When I Was A Young Lad...

THE LONE RANGER (2013)

Image from www.salon.com.

As a young, 12-year-old boy growing up in the 1950s, I have fond memories of sitting down in front of the ol' black-and-white and watching episodes of The Lone Ranger while ma cooked up a post-dinner apple pie. No? Not buying it? Okay, so maybe I'm an 80s child with a healthy dose of penis envy, but the point is, I wanted to be that little boy with the Lone Ranger mask who ran around terrorizing the neighborhood cat with a slingshot. So when they announced that they were doing a Lone Ranger movie, I (and all the baby-boomers twice my age) had a purely sentimental reaction. Because, for about an hour and thirty minutes, I could be that little troublemaker who goes strutting into the Wild West tent at the carnival, craving adventure. 

 Pretty sure she picks movies for the wardrobe.

Of course, therein also lies the problem of the movie. It's a sentimental film, but also a very selectively sentimental film. The Lone Ranger was big in its day, sure. But it doesn't have a lot of modern day relevance. Like Dark Shadows, it's a passion project that's going to miss a lot of viewers simply because...well. It's old. You can remake fairytales until the cows come home because we're still reading those bedtimes stories about princesses and frogs and slightly rape-y sleep-kisses. However, there aren't a lot of kids who are still watching black-and-white reruns of The Lone Ranger. 

Which is my way of saying: this movie was doomed from the start. It just doesn't have the audience it used to. However, the plot itself was pretty simple. John Reid--a by-the-book lawyer--suffers a dramatic event and learns to drop his old, law-abiding ways to follow the road of justice. Eventually. This is an origins story more than anything, so there isn't a heck of a lot of the Lone Ranger being the Lone Ranger. Rather, there's a lot of John Reid being wishy-washy, arguing with Tonto, and struggling to stand by his moral compass in an immoral world. 

For a simple plot, the writers managed to twist it up in a couple of convoluted knots that just didn't need to be there. Most of the rickety storytelling came from the fact that the story had an unreliable narrator--old and weathered Tonto--who often lost the thread and had to retrace his steps. There's a good way to do this (a la Kiss Kiss Bang Bang), and a bad way to do this. This fell somewhere in the middle--it didn't lose me at any point, but sometimes, it just felt a little gimmicky and unnecessary. Plus, there were too many characters and small, subplot arcs thrown around. What was the deal with the American army and did it really need to play such an integral role? Nope. Don't think so.

Cowboys doing cowboy shit.

The plot aside, the actors were great. I believed 100% that Armie Hammer was just as much of a goody-two-shoes as he presented himself to be. He pulled off the character well, even though his teeth could've been a little less damn shiny (this is the wild west. C'mon). Johnny Depp was Johnny Depp--thoroughly silly and thoroughly enjoyable. Of course, many fucks were given over the fact that some white dude was playing Tonto, but Johnny Depp is at least a shamelessly ridiculous replacement, where I might add, Khan was supposed to be taken completely, unflinchingly seriously. So sit on that for a couple white-washing seconds. 

Two of my favorite actors--Tom Wilkinson and William Fichtner--played our main villains, which was just...lovely. They're both so good at being bad, I have no complaints. Plus, William Fichtner just has such an interesting face, that man can do anything with it. Speaking of chameleons, a moment for James Badge Dale, who proved that no matter what the role, he can pull it off flawlessly. Granted, his roles are often a little extravagant and there's never anything really subtle about his characters (big metal flame guy in Iron Man 3 and prick boss in Shame), but he's always exactly the character the movie needs and manages to fit in seamlessly with the mood of the film. All the awards for James Badge Dale. I guess I should mention Helena Bonham Carter, but she was just...Helena Bonham Carter. Lovely and ridiculous and clearly written into someone's contract. 

And Silver did a great job being a horse.

Which brings me to my final point...you don't need to know a heck of a lot about The Lone Ranger to enjoy this one. I think the real draw of this film is the world it exists in. It's more than a homage to the old Lone Ranger series--rather, it's a homage to spaghetti westerns period. It's got all the necessary ingredients--train robberies, whore houses, indians, mines, the railroad, the hunt for gold and silver. It's almost like a mash-up of the "best of Westerns." And, at the end of the day, that was what stuck with me. To its credit, the movie spared no expense in world-building. They took us through even the little details of the world--that heavy-hoofed patter as the horses raced to catch up with a steam-billowing train. The grimy, snaggletooth villains that'll kill their grandmothers for just a little extra coin. The clattering awe of the first trains, chugging down freshly laid tracks--

Well. It was the feeling of being a slack-jawed, twelve-year old boy clutching a slingshot. 

If you want a movie that brings up purely nostalgic western feelings, you'll enjoy this one. If you want a shamelessly fun summer flick, you'll enjoy this one. If you want to spend two hours in air conditioning, you'll enjoy this one. With that, I'm off to buy a cowboy hat and attempt to lasso my girlfriend's yorkie for a couple of hours. Hi-yo, Silver, away--!

Low Expectations And Great Fun.

THE PURGE (2013)

Image from horrorcultfilms.co.uk.

I've heard this movie get a bad rap by a couple reviews, yet I was pulled along to see it because 1) the lady wanted a horror flick and 2) Lena Headey. Enough said. Here's what I assumed it would be: a mildly updated version of Panic Room (2002). I figured it would be just another they're-stuck-in-the-house-and-sort-of-scary-shit-happens movie. The kind of movie where they say things like "this will be the scariest movie of the summer" and then you watch them play with shadows for an hour and a half. Needless to say, I did not go in with high expectation. 

And then...well, hell. It looks like I'm rooting for the underdog all year (I kid you not; a positive review of After Earth is imminent). 

The thing is, I liked this one. It was fun. It was exactly what it needed to be. And it exceeded expectations (keeping in mind that my expectation was that it was going to be a poorly written should've-been-straight-to-DVD B-horror flick). Here's the thing: the concept is great. Pure genius. It's the kind of thing I wish I'd come up with; after all, it's not really a stretch of the imagination with all the IRL violence that's been going on lately (yeah, I just used acronyms, what up?). The concept of a Purge one day a year in which Americas are able to unleash their inner rage and violent tendencies is very relevant right now. You can either chose to hole up inside or join the violence and chaos outside and in the morning, all sins are forgiven. At the end of the day, it's a solid premise. 

Image from spinoff.comicbookresources.com.

Now, with this premise, the writers had two options. On one hand they could've created an all-out science fiction flick that went deep into the world and the mindset these people live in. A sort of dystopian film that dealt with the heavy moral implications of a night of violence. On the other hand, they could make a relatively light-hearted horror film that grazed on these issues but, at the end of the day, was just looking for a couple good screams. They chose the path of least resistance. 

As a science-fiction junkie, I say this without any judgement or prejudice. If you want to make a campy horror film, make a campy horror film. They're easy to digest and usually pretty easy sells at the box office. The Purge, however, was a campy horror film on the surface with a super clever premise underneath. 

So could they really pull it off? Well, yeah. I think they did. Ultimately, the movie was a hell of a lot more successful at delivering on its promise than I thought it would be. Did it have issues? It sure as hell did. Let me get them out of my system right now:

1. Why was their house so frustratingly enormous?
2. So if there's a homeless, possibly insane stranger running around their house, are the parents really going to let their daughter go and throw a bitch fit?
3. Why does everyone partaking in The Purge talk like an evil doll brought to life?
4. Why isn't Mrs. Terminator killing more bitches?
5. Did we really need that terrible in-car exposition with the secretary going, "You're number one!"

Look on the bright side, at least they're not bunnies.

...You get the point. There were a couple bad eggs, a couple spots that could have been cleared up with another run through of the script. But overall...I was surprised by how not-stupid the script was. They delivered on a lot of the moral implications of The Purge, playing through a couple great character driven dilemmas. The reintroduction of the boyfriend at the moment of The Purge was the first moment when I realized that this movie--surprise, surprise--might actually know what it's doing. The boyfriend was great, the homeless man was great (and the dog tags were an excellent surprise), and, most of all, the husbands arc (is he protecting or is he Purging?) was ultimately satisfying. Yes, a lot of it was predictable, but that's the campy horror movie aspect. It still had plenty twists and turns I did not see coming, and those I did see coming still felt satisfying.

At the end of the day, while it was maybe not movie of the year and certainly won't be winning any Oscars anytime soon, it was a clever concept and a smart script. The actors played their parts nicely; hell, even the children engaged my interest instead of irritating me (and by children I mean the little boy). Ethan Hawke was great, and that's coming from someone who generally doesn't get what the big deal is with Ethan Hawke. I loved Lena Headey--but hell, I always love Lena Headey (especially during her final scenes of the movie). And "Polite Stranger," AKA: batshit crazy Rhys Wakefield was fantastic; exactly the kind of overacted, yet unrestrained creepinesses the role needed. 

Yep. I even liked the kid.

Ultimately, the movie felt a little like a Funny Games that didn't take itself so seriously and threw in a splash of violence and humor just to keep the energy going. As someone who can solidly appreciate a simply enjoyable movie with a killer concept, I'd recommend this one over the "oh, god, something is movie in the blankets again" mindless horror flick any day of the week. 

"America's Not A Country. It's A Business."

KILLING THEM SOFTLY (2012)

Image from screenrant.com.

Killing Them Softly takes place in a dystopian world where America is enslaved by its own debt. People live like vultures in poverty, killing and stealing just to get by in an economy that chews them up and spits them out, leaving them with no other options except self-destruction. 

Oh. Wait. This isn't science fiction. This is a raw and bloody reminder of America after the Bush years, when the economy fell on its face thanks to a couple shaky-fingered puppeteers and the little guy was the one chosen to pick up the soap. I know you thought you were going to the movies to see Brad Pitt be a fucking badass and kill some bitches, but you were wrong. This movie is a blood-fest, no doubt about it, but it's a political commentary, first and foremost. And don't worry, Republicans, Obama gets shit for it too. 

Honestly, it's hard for me to give this movie a proper response. As an action movie, it falls a little short. The script has holes. There are long stretches of monologue. The third act leaves a little to be desired. As a cynical as fuck commentary on the state of the world, it succeeds. In short, this is the kind of thing that might've made a better play than it does a movie (all the satire and none of the explosions), if it wasn't for the brilliant editing and shocking imagery. 

Let's start with the good stuff. The first thirty minutes or so are flawless. The dialogue is great, the characters are sharp and well defined. We've got Frankie (Scoot McNairy) and Russell (Ben Mendelsohn), two less-than-professional gangsters who will do just about any hairy job for a little money. They get hired to rob a regular high-stakes card game, run by Markie Trattman (Ray Liotta). So you know how Ray Liotta always plays the unflinching, can-kill-you-with-my-pinky badass? Well. Ray Liotta takes a turn for the worst as a sniveling push-over who gets the crap beaten out of him (by none other than Racetrack from Newsies. Think about it. Guess he bet on the wrong horse.). Maybe I'm being a little harsh on Trattman--he does, after all, hold up well under pressure and sticks to his story no matter how hard you punch him. Still, it's...well. Possibly one of the most gruesome beatings I've seen a guy take on the big screen. It's the kind of visceral, sickening violence that makes you want to send Ray Liotta a couple Get Well Soon balloons and a script for a Christmas-themed family comedy. 

On the topic of awesome characters, I have to mention Mickey, the emo hitman, played by James Gandolfini. Mickey has issues. He drinks, he fucks whores, and he spends a lot of time sopping up his tears while waxing poetic about his wife. Really, Gandolfini does an excellent job as a washed out hitman who's so miserable he can hardly get up the motivation to get out of his bathrobe. He's a pathetic character, but a well written pathetic character. 

Then there's our main man, Jackie (Brad Pitt). He's a cold, hard negotiator who knows how to talk his way out of most any situation. He's generally a "good guy," except for the whole killing thing. Really, he's a character I should be able to get behind. Except for the fact that the movie doesn't seem to do him justice. He's badass character, but he spends most of the film talking Mickey off the ledge. We don't get a lot of time seeing him in action. And when we do seem him beat the shit out of some people, well, sure, it's cool, but somehow it just doesn't feel like enough to live up to this awesome reputation he's built up for himself. Which maybe has something to do with the fact that his character never really breaks a sweat. He gets mildly irritated from time to time, but he never really faces any major obstacles. Because he doesn't have a "low point," it's hard to feel really satisfied when he pulls his badass moves and closes the job.

Brad Pitt's third-act issue isn't an isolated incident. Unfortunately, too many of the excellent characters (including Mickey the emo hitman) fail to get a decent wrap-up. Instead, they get a one-line sentence of exposition explaining how they did or didn't get their comeuppance, and leave it at that. Especially Dillon. Don't get me started on Dillon. Despite the fact that he's apparently a major antagonistic character, we never really see him, we never hear him. He just floats around like the Black Smoke Monster or something. And then when we finally hear about how he gets his, it comes without rhyme or reason. I take it back, the Black Smoke Monster had more personality than this guy. 

Stylistically, this movie holds up well. They play with sharp cuts and purposefully jarring editing. Another favorite moment of mine is when Russell the Aussie gets high and keeps floating in and out of consciousness. It's an effective style, even if they draw it out a little too long, and got a good chuckle from me. 

All in all, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this movie. The characters were really unique and enjoyable to watch. The acting was excellent (I hope to see Scoot McNairy a heck of a lot more after this). The monologues were great. The political commentary was on point, even if it did smother the plot from time to time. At the end of the day, it's a movie that tries pretty hard to blend two different genres and doesn't entirely pull it off. However, it's still an enjoyable movie with a lot of excellent violence and memorable characters. And Ray Liotta. Gets the shit beat out of him. I rest my case. 

Jeremy Renner Blows Shit Up.

THE BOURNE LEGACY (2012)

Image from filmireland.net.

I'm going to be straight up with you guys. I am not actually the biggest fan of the Bourne series. I know, I know. It's a quintessential action film with all the right twists and turns. I get it. And really, it does have all the elements I like and I should (and will) give it a second go around. Still, there was just something about the Bourne movies that never got my blood pumping the way it should. So I cautiously tiptoed into The Bourne Legacy. 

Could I tell you what it's about? Not really. The plot is kind of all over the place. Aaron Cross, a CIA lab rat with superhuman strength and shit, is on the hunt for his little blue pills with all the desperation of a college girl after a bad one-night stand. Meanwhile, back in the CIA headquarters, some video about some people no one really cares about goes on youtube and it's like...a big deal. For some reason. Seems a little petty to me, but hey, I'm not Edward Norton, what do I know? Anyway, because the CIA clearly has no control over youtube, they decide to cut their losses and destroy one of their largest and most profitable secret projects out there! Wow. Okay. So that...seems like a massive overreaction. But, again, Edward Norton has a lot of conviction in those crazy eyes of his, and I don't really feel like getting in a fight with Tyler Durden. 

Image from tqsmagazine.co.uk.

Anyway. The CIA goes about not only annialating its undercover "Outcome" agents, but also its scientists. One of who happens to be Dr. Marta Shearing, AKA: the lovely Rachel Weisz. And so, of course, Aaron Cross runs to Marta's rescue because...you know. Morning after pills. Anyway, after saving her ass, it turns out, he doesn't actually need the pills. Never did. Well...okay. That kind of...took the tension out of that shit. Note to self: this movie does not know how to hold tension. Either way, they get to go to the Philippines to make sure Aaron Cross kicks his drug habit and becomes even more badass then he was before. 

If you haven't gotten it already, I'll jump skip to the end. It's basically a rehash of the Terminator: Salvation ending, in which the film gives a big "fuck you" to the audience right before they leave with the lines, "thank you for sitting through this whole, epic movie in which a lot of shit happened and we saved the world...oh, and by the way, this was just a small, inconsequential battle in the scheme of things, we actually didn't do shit. Be sure to throw out your popcorn bags on the way out." There wasn't a real, satisfying ending because there wasn't a real, satisfying plot. It was just Aaron Cross cutting his ties with the CIA via his pill habit and moving on. That's it. No real combat was made against the CIA themselves. No real punches were thrown their way. And no real punches were necessary since the CIA were always ten steps behind (more on that later). In short, this movie was really just an introduction to Aaron Cross. That's it. We've got a new Bourne face, fine by me. Thank you for the prologue, now give me something I can sink my teeth into.

Being a BAMF.

All that said, you'd think I'd come out of the movie muttering bitterly to myself. But I didn't. Why? One simple explanation: Jeremy Renner. The guy is just so fucking likable. I have yet to see him in a movie that I don't like him in. Which, at the end of the day, makes him an interesting action hero. Nine times out of ten, action heroes fall under two categories: they're either stoically badass or they're snarky little antiheroes. Rarely is there any wiggle room. Aaron Cross, however, is neither. He's just...a regular Joe. A good guy. A mountain man with generally good intentions and no real red in his ledger. He's got an interesting backstory, sure, and they hint at it multiple times but never really give you a lot to go on. Yet at the end of the day, he's just one of those guys who apologizes for killing animals, tries to get to know people, and will probably hold the door open for you. His easy, happy-go-lucky attitude even confuses his fellow Agents, who don't seem to really know how to respond to the guy who steps through the door unarmed, with his defenses down, and has a casual conversation over dinner. He's just not your typical action hero, which somehow makes him all the more endearing and generally fun to watch. At the end of the day, I will probably see more Aaron Cross movies solely for Jeremy Renner.

Which is a shame, really, because the rest of the cast has a lot of potential. Namely, the main antagonist of the film, Eric Byer (Edward Norton). Eric Byer is a great character. Really. He's a stone cold bastard who doesn't budge for anyone. However, he spends the entire movie in boardroom meetings and watching Aaron Cross' progress on computer screen. The most active thing he does the entire film is clear out a office space by aggressively telling everyone to leave. Number one rule of screenwriting: give your antagonist and protagonist some face-to-face time. Naturally, rules are made to be broken, and for some movies, they can get away with that. This is not one of them. Not only do Eric Byer and Aaron Cross never meet, they also never have a threatening phone conversation. They never have any interaction, period. 

Edward Norton doing...nothing.

To top it all off, Eric Byer can never catch up with Aaron Cross. I get it, Aaron Cross is super strong and super smart. But you've got a whole team of CIA Agents who created him. Surely, they can at least ride Aaron's ass. Instead, they stay ten steps behind him at all times, picking up his trash. Aaron Cross doesn't ever have to worry about outrunning or outsmarting them because they're lost chasing their own tails. 

For that reason alone, the movie doesn't actually start for me until about halfway through, when they introduce Larx (Louis Ozawa Changchien). Larx is a super soldier, like Aaron Cross, but (for some reason) one the CIA isn't interested in killing. Rather, Larx has a leg up on Aaron--he lacks the capacity for emotion and he never, ever stops. It's the oldest trick in the book: what do you do when your main character is Iron Man? You have him fight a bigger, stronger Iron Man. So we finally have someone in this movie who can match Aaron Cross blow for blow. Finally, Aaron has a challenge. At that point, things pick up a hell of a lot of speed. Thank God and Chuck Norris for Louis Ozawa Changchien, you scary fucking bastard. 

Overall, the action sequences are pretty good. We've got a couple good chase scenes in there. And, of course, it's always fun to watch a super soldier beast mankind. They really don't stand a chance in hell. Another thing this film does really well, however, is splicing in flashbacks. It's a strange thing to compliment a movie for, but heck. Maybe it was because the present was so often moving a little too slow for me, but the flashbacks were always nicely timed and caught my attention. A little too vague at times, but hey. That's what the second movie's for, right? 

Image from indiewire.com.

Oddly enough, my favorite scene in the film didn't actually feature Aaron Cross. Maybe I'm just overly tired of all the censorship crap, but I highly enjoyed the scene in which a previously lovable scientist, Dr. Donald Foite (Zeljko Ivanek...one of those faces you know, even if you can't place the name), locks himself in one of the labs and systematically kills all of his colleagues. It's the acting, the way it's shot, the way Rachel Weisz scurries through the lab all too aware of his history with the shooter. Most importantly: tension. Yes. Human on human violence. Terrifying, because they're all the same speed and they've got no "superman" to save them. It's a very visceral and well-done scene. In short, hat's off to Zeljko Ivanek.

All in all, I can't completely bash or praise this movie. It is what it is: a very obvious introduction to the Aaron Cross franchise. Did we need this movie? Probably not. It had a lot of plot holes (or, rather, a plotless hole). It introduces really epic Outcome Agents that I would have loved to got to know better, only to kill them two seconds later. But so long as you take it for what it is, it's fun. And Jeremy Renner. End of story. That said, was I the only one waiting the entire movie for a Matt Damon cameo? I mean, his name's in the fucking title. It's kind of like having a Terminator movie without ever bringing the Terminator into it. Why do I have so many Terminator references in this review? Answers to all life's questions with epic twists and turns...next time!

Frank Martin Is Not A Tourist.

THE TRANSPORTER (2002)

Image from shockya.com.

Before there was Driver, there was the Transporter. Frank Martin is a no-nonsense transporter who will serve as a getaway driver as well as deliver a couple less-than-savory packages. He's slick, he blunt, and he has rules that cannot be broken. Rule #1: when it's a deal, it's a deal. Rule #2: no names. Rule #3: don't open the package. However, when the package thrown in his drunk starts squirming and crying out for help, he can't quite help but bend the rules a little. Especially when she turns out to be a smoking hot bound and gagged Asian chick. Which is when all hell breaks loose in a top-speed, knuckles bared, fight for their lives. So sorry, Ryan Gosling, save the art deco for Andy Warhol, this is how you do a motherfucking movie about getaway drivers.

Jason Statham gets all the bitches.

I'm not going to say it's perfect. There were a couple bumps on the road, to put it nicely. The bad guys, for one, could have kicked it up a gear. The head honcho turned out to be the father of our bound and gagged Asian, Lai, who looked a shit ton like Michael Jackson on a bad day. And, alright, daddy issues, I can root for that. It worked for Star Wars, we can do it again, right? And, of course, they had the complimentary American bad guy just so we don't get completely confused because what the hell is this, some foreign movie? They called the American "Wall Street", but that was about the only badass thing going for him. Other than that, he had no scars or no signature weapon, nothing that really set him apart as an awesome henchmen, so I couldn't really get into him.

The good guys, however, were something else. First off, Frank Martin. Played by Jason Statham. Just the words "Jason Statham" should give you automatic faith in the movie. Which isn't to say he hasn't played in a couple crap movies, he's done his share of crap. But the dude is just so fucking entertaining it's hard to be disappointed in him. The camera likes him. And he always delivers exactly what you expect from him--a solid performance that is exactly one thing: Jason Statham. He plays Jason Statham in every movie and we've just gotta love him for him. To top it off, Frank Martin is a character that we haven't seen the likes of in a while. Sure, he's got the swagger of an anti-hero, always treading that neutral territory between bad and good. But he's got some heart, and something that we haven't witnessed since the 90s--he doesn't actually kill anyone. Really. Watch the movie. Do people die in good, bloody gore? No. They just kind of...fall down and don't get back up. And the ones he does leave standing usually go white with fear and turn tail in the other direction. In the age of slow-motion kills when we get to watch superheroes themselves slice a coin through the bad guy's skull, there is something almost nostalgic in this movie. Something actually nice about the hero who...is an actual hero and performs badass stunts but does it with a little mercy and a lot of style.

Image from culturemob.com.

As for the stunts, I've got to say. The action scenes were a heck of a lot of fun. I mean, c'mon. Jason Statham--sorry--Frank Martin literally engages in a bit of oil wrestling with about five other guys and slips and slides all over the floor, kicking all their asses. Really, what more can you want? There's just some really brilliantly choreographed fight scenes--and we're talking hand-to-hand combat, mind you. Not a simple draw-a-gun-and-done. Mixed martial arts is always the way to go.

As a side note, there was one downside to the action. And that was the music. Who the fuck compiled this score? It's weird, it's out of place, and it doesn't get me pumped. There are some genres you can get away with bad music. Dramas, occasionally, especially when it's that Victorian-era crap. Comedies don't always need a good score if the jokes sell it for them. But action films. You need good, choreographed action, and a good soundtrack to pump it up. If you want me adrenaline going, give me something to ride it on. I don't know about you, but I don't work out to elevator music. It's Fratellis or bust. The point is, you can make the best action movie ever, but if you don't have a score supporting it, it's going to trip and fall on its face. And that, unfortunately, was the fate of The Transporter.

Still. Bad score aside, I've got to give credit where credit is due. And that credit lies in Lai, played by Shu Qi. I'm sure there are plenty reasons not to like her, but I couldn't help but be charmed by the girl. I mean, she spends the first half of the movie tied to a chair with duct tape on her mouth, rolling around trying to escape. She's incredibly endearing, especially for action movie eye candy. Badass action scenes aside, I've got to say, I think my favorite parts of the movie were when Frank was trying to maneuver around her. Whether she was stuffed in his trunk or unable to keep her mouth shut, the two had good chemistry together and they milked it.

Honey badger don't give a shit.

At the end of the day, this is just a fun as hell movie. Good action, good eye candy, and good Jason Stathem. I might've been disappointed if I'd caught this one in theaters, but as a rental or a caught-it-while-it-was-on-tv, it makes for good, brainless fun. 

The Lost Art Of The Bad Movie.

THIS MEANS WAR (2012)

It's not about the size of the gun. Er. Mostly.

So here's the deal. I didn't particularly want to see this one. Anyone could tell from the trailer that it was going to be another poor attempt at bringing "guy's night" to "date night". The girls will like it because it's a romance with hunks Chris Pine and Tom Hardy and the guys will like it because it's got, like, things-that-go-boom and, like, stuff, right? Oh my god, gag me with a spoon! Anyway, the plus side of moving to Atlanta is living with my girl, spending time with her, doing lesbian things like petting cats and driving pick ups and going to Home Depot just for the lumber smells. The downside is compromise, which means watching The Bachelor, Dr. Phil, and romantic comedies like This Means War. And so I bit the bullet and took her out to the theaters. We got popcorn, sat in the back, held hands. And then something really strange happened. I enjoyed it. And everything Dr. Phil says is right.

I know what you're thinking. M., you've gone soft. Mushy. Soon you'll be putting up The Powerpuff Girls as your BAMF of the week and whining about The Walking Dead would be better if there wen't so many icky, decomposing zombies. Wrong. Trust me, I wanted this movie to be godawful. I wanted to bitch about Reese Witherspoon's face. I wanted to leave the theater and find a toothpick to lobotomize the part of my brain that had processed the last two hours.

And then Til Schweiger stepped in the room.

As someone who doesn't familiarize themselves with German comedies on a regular basis, this is what I saw when he came on screen:

So we've got Hugo Stiglitz, Kirk, and Eames all in one movie. I'm suddenly feeling a little more confident about my chances of making it out of here alive. The plot runs something like this: Tom Hardy and Chris Pine play two CIA spies who work well together and have a great "playboy vs. professional" bromance going. COOL. Heinrich (Hugo Stiglitz) is the evil German who is doing...something...ambiguous and evil. COOL. All goes to hell when Reese Witherspoon's face shows up and the two spies fight for her affection. NOT COOL.

I'll start with the positive. The acting was, of course, spot on. Tom Hardy has yet to disappoint me, and since he's been everything from Handsome Bob to Bronson, I can cut the man a little slack. He's about to be the lead villain in a fucking Batman movie, I don't think anyone's worried about his career going into the shitter because of one Valentine's day ploy of a romantic comedy. And, quite frankly, he plays so many eccentric, bold characters, it was kind of nice to see him play the family man with a stick up his ass. Chris Pine (also soon-to-be in the Star Trek sequel...I'm not too worried about him) played his usual bad boy with a heart of gold demeanor, so I knew he'd pull it off well. Hugo Stiglitz is a fucking badass, so his presence was enough to keep me entertained even if his role was shoved a little too far under the rug.

Then there's Reese Witherspoon. I normally don't hold grudges against actors because they can't always help the roles they're giving. But really, bitch? Really? She's made an entire career out of playing dumb blondes and Mary Sues. If her characters weren't annoying enough, you can't even throw in the towel and say "well, she may be a shit actress, but at least I'll have a nice pair to stare at for a couple hours." No. She's intentionally irritating and somehow makes a lot of money. I don't get it. Her character might as well have just been played by a Hallmark that opens up every once in a while to deliver a cheesy pre-recorded romantic line. At least it would've been an interesting romance, as inanimate objects are all the rage these days.

Why does this look familiar?

But the good acting (and the irritating acting) didn't surprise me. They're big names. I expected it. What I didn't expect was for the script to be...well. Actually good. Let me explain what I mean by "good" in this context. This wasn't, in any way, shape, or form Apocalypse Now. Instead, it was a movie that knew exactly how crappy it was, and so strived to be the most entertaining crap it could be. And you know what? I was entertained. It's been a long time since we've had bad movies that are actually enjoyable. Instead, we get crap like Priest (2011), a movie that might've been good if they had just cracked a smile. Bad movies have got to stop taking themselves seriously. Let's face it, Expendables, you're all classic heroes and I will root for you all the way, but John McClane didn't become the ultimate badass by standing there with his hands on his hips and waiting for his Oscar moment. I've got a shit ton more respect for a movie that pokes fun at itself than I do for a movie that rocks back and forth on the highest of high horses for two hours. Which is the long way of saying This Means War knew exactly what it was, it knew that it was ridiculous, and it let itself be just that. Ridiculous, good fun. Did the romance fall short? Sure, but no one was expecting this to be the next great love story. So they played up the bromance, which, since helmed by two excellent actors, was perfectly believable and actually gave us something to root for. And then when the audience started to nod off, they upped the ante with another scene of Hugo Stiglitz being badass, which worked to wake everyone back up again.

Is this the movie of the year? No, it isn't. Hell, I won't even suggest you pay good bucks to see it in theaters. But I will tell you that, in case you're dragged along to see it, maybe leave the do-it-yourself lobotomy kit at home. You might surprise yourself by catching a glimpse of an increasingly endangered species in cinema, the good bad movie. 

Modesty Blaise: Double Feature!

MODESTY BLAISE (1966)

Image from listal.

It's really only fair that Modesty Blaise follows James Bond (with a little Haywire in between--I got a little too excited about that movie and prematurely reviewaculated), as she is the 007 of women. She's the women every man wants and every woman wants to be. I mean...you know. James Bond with tits and a bad acid trip. The thing about Modesty Blaise is that it's your quintessential 60s movie. You have to go in knowing that or else you might squawk in surprise for the first half of the film like a violated chicken. Everything is weird and nothing makes sense, but you leave with the vague impression that you've been smacked in the face with an Andy Warhol.

I'm pretty sure there was a plot. Something about Modesty Blaise, the government spy type, being doubled crossed by...someone. I'm also pretty sure I zoned out halfway through, so I'm sure there was a little more to the plot than that. But the fact that my attention fizzled and died says it all, really. Credit where credit is due--Modesty Blaise packs some punches. Naturally, her biggest asset as a spy is her pretty smile and her way to charm everyone she meets (really. Everyone. She even has a small army of stereotypical arabs in her pocket). But the really wild thing about her is she's not afraid to kill. With a smile. Which is honestly a little chilling, because she's more or less what Audrey Hepburn would look like if she went M16. Now imagine Holy Go-fuckin'-lightly pulling a Patrick Bateman at the end of Breakfast at Tiffany's and you catch my drift. As for the actors themselves, Monica Vitta plays Modesty Blaise and does a good job of it. The only other one really worth mentioning is Terence Stamp, who plays her platonic (question mark?) partner in crime. I have a large soft spot for Terence Stamp, which is weird because he doesn't actually have a very large claim to fame, but he's always done good in my book.

But what this movie really has to offer is atmosphere. In bucketfuls. I don't know what was more colorful in this movie--the characters or the wallpaper. The outfits would have made David Bowie blush, the set design is trippy as hell, and the props are quite literally out of this world. And did I mention there are musical numbers? It couldn't get campier if two unicorns were having sex on a rainbow. Lady Gaga, eat your heart out.

In short, it's a great movie to have in the background while you have the pot smoke burning and the lava lamps glowing. As a cinematic story, I'm not sure it actually holds up. But it's visually amazing, generally good fun, and has a couple ridiculous musical numbers if that's your kind of thing.

MY NAME IS MODESTY (2004)

Image from www.blurayvn.com.

So, for reasons unbeknownst to...just about everyone in the modern world, for some reason, we've decided to pull Miss Modesty Blaise out of retirement. I have a vague suspicion that it might have something to do with the fact that Quentin Tarantino produced it. My Name Is Modesty has very little do with the original movie. We've picked up the pace, we've cut down on the flash, and we've modernized it. A shit ton. 

My Name Is Modesty follows Modesty Blaise, who now works in a casino. Which is all well and fine. Until, of course, a group of criminals come to collect what's theirs at the casino and find one very challenging roadblock in their way--Modesty Blaise. The only one who can let them into the vault. And so begins a long night of a cat and mouse game between Modesty Blaise and her captors. On a bet, she ends up telling them her history in entirety. It's really an origins story for Modesty Blaise, splashed with the nice tense background of a hold up at a casino. 

Modesty and the 7th Dwarf.

Modesty Blaise is played by Alexandra Staden, who comes across as a sleek, manipulative woman, always in control of herself and those around her. She has an edge of morbid humor and an uncanny ability to stare her attackers in the eye, even when they have a gun pointed at her. In short, she's a badass, but subtly so. In the other corner, we have the thief, Miklos, played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. If that name sounds familiar, you've been watching too much Game Of Thrones. Yes, Modesty is a badass, but this guy really steals the movie. He's sadistic, but in that way that taps into the campy, B-movie spirit of the film. He's smarmy, but at the same time very human. He's used to being in control when he has a gun in his hand, and it's a lot of fun watching him trying to figure out how to psych out Modesty, who is unshakable. 

Her origins story itself is a lot of fun. It has everything you could want from it--the wise old mentor, the young rebel girl, the story of these two surviving against the odds. Despite the fact that there's only really one fight scene at the end, the movie moves along at a clip pace and keeps you engaged. It helps that it runs a neat 77 minutes and is on instant play on Netflix. If you need a good rainy day movie or have an hour to kill, My Name Is Modesty is good, solid, B-movie fun. 

Bond Wars: Episode II

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (1974)

Image from bond-girl.net.

So I suck balls as blogalongabonding. Or bondalongablog...you know what, I suck. That's the important part. In a desperate attempt to plug on no matter what, I'm continuing with next one on the list: The Man With The Golden Gun. And I will say this: this movie made me actually glad that I took a couple month break from Roger Moore.

We start off with a sideshow of freaks. A man with a third nipple, a midget servant, and attractive woman who dotes on them all. A nefarious man walks in with rotten intent...and finds himself lost in a circus nightmare. I thought two men fighting for their lives was excellent. But that was before The Man With The Golden Gun introduced me to two men fighting for their lives while being trolled by a sadsitic midget. In short, this is everything I want from an opening sequence. Followed by a rocking theme song and a simple but sensual little title sequence. 

Characters: "Good morning, sir" is Bond's first line. I feel like that more or less sums up Roger Moore for me. He's just...such a good boy. Put a collar on him and give him a Scooby Snack. I like the fact that he's got this very inquisitive thing going on. You get the feeling he's really trying hard to figure things out. Solving the case. The kind of British espionage everyone either loved or hated in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. It makes him seem always in control of the case. Always in control of the situation. Which is very good for him. But I can't help but wish he was a little more impulsive. A little less methodical and a little more instinctual. After all, that is the bad boy Bond we all know and love. What makes James Bond different from every other spy? It's that he works with his gut, his dick, and his trigger finger. But his brain? That's a part of the body reserved only for coming up with sharp quips and making everyone else look like an ass. 

I will, however, give Roger Moore this. His cool and calm attitude definitely pays off multiple times throughout the movie. Mainly during his interrogation scenes. When Bond has the gun seller at gun point and is grilling him...Bond is ruthless, but collected, which somehow makes him all the more terrifying. I would be whimpering too. Same goes for when he has the lovely half-naked Andrea Anders (Maud Adams) pinned underneath him with her arm taut behind her back, ready to break. Imagining Sean Connery in this scenario, I think of the scene in which he plays with Bambi and Thumper. He more or less waterboards them to get information out of them, but he does it all with a charming smile and a lighthearted pat on the ass. Moore is a little less witty and a little more mechanically trained. Really, the argument could be made that we shouldn't have been so surprised when Daniel Craig come out and started popping bitches with a black man's smile, because Roger Moore already had the strains of a darker Bond. Which would be cool, except then Roger Moore goes and ruins his image by doing something "comedic" and stupid. So he's either forcing you to talk, or he's giving a man a wedgy and giggling about it afterwards. It makes for an uneven and just plain confusing Bond.

Goodnight and her ass of doom.

Bond Girls: Andrea Anders. Blows everyone out of the park. She's your classic Bond girl...in trouble, the bad guy's mistress, yet ready to drop her clothes for Bond at the drop of a hat. But the best part about her? She's not a ditz. Every one of her moves is calculated. She doesn't want to get into Bond's bed, but she'll do it to get what she wants...the death of the man who's enslaved her, Count Dooku. While Goodnight flat out admits that she's weak, Anders gives us something more...a strong Bond woman. Did I actually say those words? I think I did. A strong fucking Bond woman, who will do what she has to in order to get what she wants. Nothing she does is out of "weakness", instead she bides her time, waiting in the shadows to make it out alive when the gun smoke clears. Or, you know. Not. 

Goodnight is irritating. But Bond does majorly shaft her by forcing her into a closest so she can listen to him fuck another woman for two hours, so I can't really blame her. Oh, and then of course what every woman wants to hear: "Forgive me, darling, you turn will come." Roger Moore's charmingness plummeted through the floor. I can't really tell whether or not Goodnight is a heroine or a villain yet, though. Even though she's one of the good guys, she makes so many lethal mistakes she might as well be working for Count Dooku. But we forgive her, because...you know. She's hot as shit. 

Epic face-off.

Villains: Speaking of the devil. Count Dooku is terrifying. Any man who gets his rocks off by caressing his lover with his gun...yeah. Phallic metaphors aside, he's just a creepy fuck. And he has those intense evil eyebrows. He doesn't even need to say anything, he just stares at you, and you know. Coupled with a cheery smile before he kills you and a badass gun, he's brilliant. Rock on, Christopher Lee, rock on. 

As for henchmen, since he was a lonely bastard he had all of two henchmen. One never said a word and instead molested Goodnight briefly, just so we know he's a "bad guy". The other was Nick Nack. Nick Nack is at times amusing, at times over the top. I would've liked it if they just went all out and made him a little evil fuck. He clearly had a sadistic streak and used it well. But then to have that all undermined at the end when he got shoved into a suitcase like the odd little midget he is...well. It left me feeling not so crazy about Nick Nack. 

Most badass moment: An extremely cool car flip. Which just happened to be ruined by the Looney Toons noise it made when it flipped and J.W.'s subsequent flipping out with his ass in the air. WHY? This is only tied with the fact that the headquarters are on the half sunken Queen Elizabeth. Brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant. Not only does it look cool, but it adds to the whole circus ambiance of the thing with its sideways doors and slanted staircases. 

Most ridiculous moment: Return of the J.W...no. For one, you can't repeat that. For two, a racist white trash all-American Louisiana sherif isn't going to vacation ins Hong Kong. He's truly the Jar Jar Binks of Bond films. 

"The bridge is that way!!!"

Quotes:

Bond: "There's really not very much for us to do tonight...or is there?" He's like the narrator for a horror movie trailer. Worst Bond pick up line. EVER. And he's surprised when it doesn't work? No...no. The audience is surprised when it does.

Count Dooku: "You seem, Mr. Bond, I thought I always liked animals. Then I discovered I liked killing people even more."

Mission report: I honestly couldn't tell you how I feel about this movie if I tried. On one hand, the pacing is good, it's entertaining, Andrea Anders is the shit. On the other hand, it's too gimmicky, Goodnight is ridiculous, and J.W. is just too much. There was a lot of awesome, but a lot of shit as well. I'm just going to have to say it was a pretty good Bond movie and leave it at that. 

Shut The Fuck Up!

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