Double O Who?

DOUBLE O WHO?

The bell tolls on yet another Bond Thanksgiving marathon. Yet, here I am, still clucking for my 007 fix. And so--a little fun (and you thought Christmas only came once a year?). I decided to get creative and do a little recasting of the Bond films--or possibly do a little casting for Bond 23 (fuck MGM). The thing is: I really don't have any qualms about Bond as-is. In fact, I give all the actors in the latest Bond films lots of love. But here's my attempt at stretching my imagination with a little "what-if" scenario. And so, if Daniel Craig got voted off the island for being too blonde, Jeffery Wright got crushed under a hugh pile of underrated, and Judi Dench exploded in a cloud of badass, I would hope the new cast would look something like this...

James Bond.

Michael Fassbender.

I know, I know. Hang me, gut me, and tar and feather me as you drag my corpse down the cobblestone streets. But he's not British!!! Well. Technically. No. But either was Pierce Brosnan, the Irish bastard, and he was the posterchild for everything people who don't watch James Bond films associate with James Bond. Fassbender may be German-Irish, but as we well know from films like Inglourious Basterds and Fish Tank, his British accent is dead-on. He's suave as all hell, he plays arrogant ridiculously well, he has great comedic timing...and...well. Just look at him. Yeah. I rest my case. 

M.

Dame Maggie Smith.

As I've stated before, no one, and I mean, no one could replace Judi Dench. She's classy, she's a dame, she's able to be feminine and yet powerful at the same time. No one else could whip Bond's ass while powdering her face. Well. Almost no one. Maggie Smith is really the only woman who I know who could take Dench's place as M. She's powerful, authoritative, and she's Judi Dench's BFF. If Maggie Smith is good enough for M., she's good enough for me. 

Q.

Hugh Laurie.

So what's the deal? Two Bond movies and no Q.? My thoughts exactly. But Hugh Laurie's got it. And I'm not talking about House M.D. I'm talking about the Hugh Laurie from his earlier stuff like Jeeves And Wooster who was British, spastic, just plain ridiculous (though, technically, Jeeves and Wooster also makes a good case for Stephen Fry). As dark and gritty as this new James Bond is,  I think it'd be nice to have some lighthearted Q. action. 

Miss Moneypenny.

Jamie King.

She's sexy, cute, and hilarious. Sure, she doesn't really get credit where credit is due in her movies at all. But she's actually an incredibly underrated actress and her comic timing is just spot on. I refer any and everyone to Kitchen Confidential who disagree with me. The only trouble with casting her would be trying to figure out why Bond doesn't tap that. 

Bond Girl.

Rose McGowan.

Finding a new Bond Girl was tricky and Rose McGowan is definitely an odd choice. The thing is, she's very...well. Funny. However, I think tossed in a serious role, she'd kick some major ass. And a little levity could balance out Craig's poutyness. Plus, she's sexy as hell. In Planet Terror, when the film burned up during her sex scene? Yeah. Everyone in the audience groaned. 

Felix Leiter.

Don Cheadle.

Don Cheadle is without a doubt the most underrated actor in recent years. He's wowed me in everything he's been in and too often been type casted as the "tough no-nonsense brotha". Well. Sorry, Cheadle, but I'm about to typecast you again. However, he's stern, yet always loveable, and an easy shoe-in for Leiter.

Villain.

Christoph Waltz.

I think you just have to look at the picture to know exactly what I'm talking about. Christoph Waltz is OLD FUCKING SCHOOL Bond villain. He's terrifying, and you do not want to be caught on the wrong side of him, and yet at the same time there's something utterly...campy about him. Something ridiculous. He could make a fool out of himself and make you piss yourself with fear at the same time. This must happen. 

Henchwoman.

Daryl Hannah.

C'mon. Just look at her. We saw her kick ass in Kill Bill Vol. 1, and then again in Kill Bill Vol. 2. She's evil, yet sexy as hell. With that perfect smug Bond Girl Villain smirk. So what if she's almost 50? MILF never looked so damn dangerously tempting. 

Henchman.

Til Schweiger.

I know, I know. Why don't I just rape the entire cast of Inglorious Basterds and get this lovefest over with? What is this, Bond directed by Tarantino? Alright. But Til Schweiger has proven his evil henchmanness way before Inglorious Basterds. He kicked Angelina Jolie's ass in Lara Croft: Cradle of Life. Or at least, he should have. He has the cold, intimidating thing about him. And the muscle. Daryl Hannah needs a meathead to back her up. 

What do you think? Have I nailed it or lost my mind completely? Who are your top choices? Come out, come out, you Bondians, I expect you to talk. 

Top Five Badass Tarantino Women.

TOP FIVE BADASS TARANTINO WOMEN

Quentin Tarantino is known for swearing like a sailor, for his excessive and gruesome violence, and for being one of my all time favorite directors. And...for being a feminist? That's right, Tarantino may be everyone's favorite controversy story, but one thing that attracts me to his movies most is...well. His attractive woman. And I'm not talking about Bond Girls. I'm talking about women who can hold their own and kick everyone's ass in the process. And so...a list of Tarantino's top five badasses with breasts:

5. Zoë. (Grindhouse: Death Proof)

Zoë Bell. 

Flixster.com

While Grindhouse: Death Proof (2007) is one of Tarantino's lesser widely-acclaimed recent movies, it just so happens I personally have a soft spot for it. And I'll tell you why. One name: Zoë Bell. Living proof that hardwork pays: after working as Tarantino's favorite stunt double for years (she was the Bride in Kill Bill, as well as Shossana in Inglorious Basterds. She may very well be the reason Tarantino always has blonde protagonists), she finally landed her own role. Front and center. Playing for all intents and purposes, herself. QT didn't even bother changing her name. Her accent (Kiwi, not Aussie) is gorgeous, she has a sweet aurora about her, and...she's the most badass woman on the road. Hands down, the best car chase scene I've come across. Ever. My heart was in my throat watching Zoë cling to the hood of the Vanishing Point car as it careened down the road at top speed. And the best part? She is her own motherfucking stunt double.

4. Jackie Brown. (Jackie Brown)
Pam Grier.

Movie poster.

Next to Grindhouse, Jackie Brown (1997) is definitely one of the more underrated Tarantino movies of it's time. It's different for sure--for starters, it's not exactly Tarantino's. It's a book-to-movie adaptation about a hardhitting foxy woman turned con artist. Pam Grier plays one gorgeous thief as she winds her way around some pretty mean motherfuckers. It's a shameless tribute to blaxploitations films of the 70s, but it pays it well, mostly thanks to 1) Samuel L. Jackson's hair, 2) Robert De Niro (I know, he's the last person I would ever expect to see in a Tarantino movie too), and 3) the leading lady. Oh, and this. Any movie that can make Bridget Fonda that sexy...well. Back on topic. In short, Jackie Brown is a no nonsense all-woman woman. She puts the Fatale in Femme fatale. Who said the 70s were over?

3. Elle Driver. (Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2)

Daryl Hannah. 

Dear God, that smirk.

Elle Driver. AKA: California Mountain Snake. AKA: The most badass woman villain to ever grace the screen. From her pirate eye patch to her smoker's fingers, she just exudes badassitry. The arch of her eyebrows, the twisted, wicked smirk...and that whistle that no one, no one can hear without running for cover. Once again, Tarantino defies all gender stereotypes in this role. Is she sexy? Yes. Does she have a "Master" who she's absolutely putty for? You bet. But being a woman doesn't prevent her from being a natural born killer. She doesn't use her sex as a weapon, nor does she use it to her advantage. Instead, she wields only her deadly snakes, her Hattori Hanzo sword, and her burning, impatient sadism. She keeps her calm at all times and never misses a beat to snap back with a witty comeback or a harsh jab. Bill may be the Snake Charmer, but with a woman like Elle Driver, it's hard to really be sure of who is charming who. After all, between her hatred of the Bride and her murder of Bill's brother, it seems that Elle gets what Elle wants, no matter who's throat she has to slit to get it. Elle Driver is cold, callous, merciless, and one badass chick you do not want to cross. Plus, she made nurses sexy again. C'mon. 

2. The Bride. (Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2)

Uma Thurman.

Image snagged from www.btvision.bt.com.

AKA: Black Mamba. AKA: Beatrix Kiddo. AKA: Bea. AKA: Mommy. It's really, really hard not to put every single woman featured in the Kill Bill (2003/04) series on this list. However, it is equally impossible not to include the Bride. She's Superman with ovaries. Finally, we have an action movie woman with guts. Like Elle Driver, we have a woman who doesn't have to put out or look sleezy in order to be a BAMF. The Bride does just fine on her own, thankyouverymuch. It's said that when a child is trapped under a car, a mother can summon superhero strength in order to lift in. What the wives tales leave out is a mother can also defeat an entire squad of highly trained assassins and all their 88+ body guards. One of my favorite parts of The Bride has to be Uma Thurman herself. For a woman who, for the most part, isn't really the best actress Hollywood has to offer, she can make Tarantino's characters sing. She nails The Bride and creates one of the best female action film characters in history. Not to mention, a lovely little tidbit, the character of The Bride, the film claims in the credits, is created by Q & U. Who might Q & U be, you ask? Quentin & Uma. She's got the body, the blade, and the brains. I'm sold.

1. Shosanna Dreyfus. (Inglourious Basterds)

Mélanie Laurent. 

Image from movieset.com.

I know what you're thinking. Blasphemy! How can you possibly put Shosanna from Inglourious Basterds (2009) before The Bride? Well. It was not an easy call to make. And in all fairness, they come neck in neck. But Shosanna has something The Bride doesn't. Humanity. Don't get me wrong. The Bride, as I've said--BAMF. However, The Bride lives in her own comic book world. Shosanna lives in motherfucking WWII. She's a French Jew who just manages to escape out from under the nose of one of the most terrifying SS Officers ever. And what does she do? She doesn't run. Well, she does run, but for like, two minutes. But after running, she heads straight back...into the belly of the beast. She digs her heels into France and stays. And plots her own revenge on those Nazi bastards (not Basterds) who took the lives of her family and her fellow countrymen. Shosanna is badass because she's able to do badass things, such as, says, kill a fuck ton of Nazis, but she's also able to be weak. We see her scared shitless. We see her cry. And we see her be a woman, wear the dress, put on the makeup. She's human, and we can appreciate her moments of complete extraordinary awesome so much better because of it. Plus. She's French. I rest my case. 

In short...?

Tarantino's. One. Lucky. Mother. Fucker. And this woman can suck it.