BAMF Of The Week: M.

M. (JUDI DENCH)

"To Hell with dignity! I'll retire when my goddamn job is finally done."

If we know James Bond films for nothing else, we know them for the Bond girls. The sleek, sexy little pieces of eyecandy with stripper names. Yet so often, we fail to recognize the Bond girl among Bond girls: M. Sure, maybe one day I'll do a BAMF Of The Week for all M.s, but Judi Dench's M. has a special place in the car battery strapped to my ribcage. She's hard-edge and, above all, gets the job done. Whatever it takes. Even if that means having her own agents go through with some rather questionable tasks. She's a cold, hard bitch is there ever was one, but even passed her stoney exterior, we get constant glimpses of something more to her. Hints that she's a mother, that she was once a woman who fell in love with a poet. Little things like that only add to the awesomeness that is her character and make her even more impressive for never, ever folding under pressure. 

And, of course, there is her incredible relationship with Bond. While at times they may be at each other's throats, you get the impression (especially with the Craig series) that she's one of the few people who knows the Bond behind his martinis and charming smile. They share a trust if only because they both distrust everyone else--like soldiers caught behind enemies lines. And at the end of the day--no matter how much of a brat Bond can be and no matter how much of an ice queen M. can be, they have each other's backs. In one way or other. Even if that means M. trusts Bond enough to let him dig himself out of his own bloody grave.

Best films: Casino Royale (2006) and Skyfall (2012), without a doubt. Judi Dench's M. and Daniel Craig's Bond have a brilliant relationship. At times weirdly maternal (Archer style), at times masochistic, they always manage to bring out the best and worst of each other. And I physically cannot get enough of it. 

Worst films: Did I like Judi Dench with Pierce Brosnan? Sure. He introduced her into this world, I'm glad she's stuck around for so long. However, I got the feeling they were really holding her on a tight leash in the Brosnan days. Her character had so much potential and instead of letting her fly, they kept her to the sidelines looking like a grandmother bull-dyke. 

Best quotes: "I love keeping naughty boys in order."

Fun fact: Her ringtone is the James Bond theme song. Also, she's the reason my first name has been shortened to "M." Not that I'm a fangirl or anything. Er.

And Then A Wild Aston Martin Appears!

SKYFALL (2012)

Obligatory bare-Craig-chest image.

Ever since Pierce Brosnan, we've become accustomed to a bigger, faster, explodier Bond. Each new movie had new gadgets, new gear, new nonsense. We propelled Bond into the future with invisible cars, cheap smiles, and all the luxuries of modern cinema. And we drank the punch. We expected Bond to get increasingly more hip and in-tune with our culturally relevant standards. We were waiting for Bond to switch out Q. for Google and start sexting his Bond girls.

And then Sam Mendes said, "Well. Fuck that."

Skyfall reminds us exactly why we loved the Bond films in the first place. If nothing else, it's a very loving homage to the Bond of the good old days. Bond is no longer clowned up and jumping around like a kangaroo on cocaine; he's a genuine spy. Yes, he's still the bold, brash bastard we all know and love, but he's a little more in control of the situation. Of course, the genius of this movie is that, for most of the movie, we get Bond completely out of his element. He spends the first half of the movie a battered, alcoholic mess with a very, very bruised ego. After twenty-three movies of a perfect shot, there's something extraordinarily satisfying about watching Bond miss his target. So not only do we have a highly competent organization set out to trip up Her Majesty's Secret Service, but we also have a damaged Bond struggling to keep up. I mean, why didn't anyone think of this before?

I think I've said all I can through my teeth. The twists in this movie are so epic that I would have to throw myself onto a Hattori Hanzo sword if I thought I spoiled this movie for anyone (even though, if you're a rabid Bond fan, you can see most of them coming ahead of time, it STILL doesn't change the fact that the "big reveals" are massively satisfying). That said, the spoiler portion of my review is under the cut! Otherwise, just see it, yeah? Or I will judge you. JUDGE.

BOND IS BACK!

Rejoice and be merry! Shit just got real. I'm so excited, I have no words. None. Just watch, enjoy, and repeat until November. 

"I'll More Than Alarm You."

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011)

Prepare for battle...

Everyone's thinking it, not so many people are saying it. Let's just go all out, shall we? I call it...BATTLE OF THE REMAKE! In one corner, those crazy Swedish bastards. In the other corner, AMERICA! It should be known that the referee is only literate in the language of Chuck Norris' body hair, so she was unable to read the novel these movies were based on. It should also be known that copious spoilers lay ahead, and honey badger don't give a shit. Let the fighting commence!

Round One:

The thing that really sold the US version of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo for me was the new and improved Mikael. Honestly, I can't tell you what it is about Michael Nyqvist. Maybe I just don't like his face. Whatever the case, Nyqvist bored me to tears. I couldn't get into his character, I couldn't get into him period. But I didn't really have time to care because I was too busy drooling over Noomi Rapace's awesome. Either way, I went into the US version expecting much of the same. Sure, I love Daniel Craig and I've got a lot of faith in him. But Mikael is just...a white rice character. Well. Let's just say I was pleasantly surprised, and I owe 99% of that to one very important character. The cat. I don't know what it is, probably a cat woman dyke thing, but watching 007 play with a kitty cat is incredibly endearing. And so I decided Mikael could have a place in my heart. He likes cats, he's got a good personality, and he's got multiple little faucets of his self for us to touch on--his affair, his ex-wife, his daughter. All of it rounds out to a good, interesting Mikael Blomkvist. In short, Daniel Craig has to work very hard to disappoint me.

And the winner is...Daniel Craig and his pussy.

Round Two:

Ah, what I wouldn't give for this to be a physical cat fight. The thing about Rooney Mara is I liked her. A shit ton more than I thought I would. Let's face it, the woman had big shoes to fill and tiny feet to fill them with. But instead of completely trying to replicate Noomi Rapace's job well done, she took the character down a La Femme Nikita road. Lisbeth became much more pure animal instinct, and for that, I have to give the little ball of energy Rooney Mara mad props. But with her almost too-intense eyes peering out of her doll face, she felt less like Lisbeth Salander and more like something Tim Burton might concoct. Noomi Rapace is a gritty, badass punk who still carries with her a sharp edge of humanity underneath the smoldering flames of the violence that lives inside of her. Or I just want to get in her pants. Either or. 

And the winner is...Noomi Rapace (be still my beating heart).

Round Three:

If anyone remembers my previous review of the Swedish version (The Girl With The Occasional Hangnail), you'll know that I bitched at length about Mikael and Lisbeth's relationship. There was just something about it that simply didn't sit right with me. Then I saw Craig and Rooney Mara. I do get the feeling I might have been subliminally forced into liking it since there were so many attractive promotional images of the two together. Nonetheless, Mara and Craig had great on screen chemistry. They worked brilliantly off each other, and despite their clear differences, somehow seemed to fit. I think what it all comes down to is the fact that Fincher took the time to include trivial, yet touching intimate moments. Something as simple as Lisbeth demanding Mikael to keep his hands on her while she worked somehow added that much more to their relationship, making it feel natural and flow easily through the movie instead of forcing a connection.

And the winner is...Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara.

Round Four:

Also known as, "and then another incestuous Swede walks into a bar...". One of the main problems with the first movie was that I just couldn't follow along. Maybe it was the subtitles. It's entirely possible I'm just that much of a stupid American. Whatever the case, everyone just felt like another Swedish Nazi having sex with his sister. In the American version, Fincher seemed to breath a little more life into the important family members and then shrugged off the rest of the snippy old bitches like dried up snake skin. Sure, I'm sure important plot points were lost thanks to America's "time is money" philosophy. But who really wants to listen to Aunt Helga whine and cough up cat fur?

And the winner is...David Fincher.

Round Five:

Alright. So I'll be blunt. With tag lines like "the feel bad movie of the year", I was expecting to feel a little more brutalized. Yes, the rape was brutal as all hell. Yes, the post-rape shower made me physically uncomfortable. Good job. But skip ahead a little bit to Lisbeth's revenge. Yes, she goes through the exact same motions. But what's that? While she was tying her rapist up, she had time to do her makeup? So you're telling me she just decided, in the middle of this emotionally and physically violent scene, to play a little dress up? Alllllrighty then. Skip ahead a little more. When Mikael is squirming between the jaws of Vanger Jr. Martin Vanger has Nazi blood, a childhood fraught with violence, and he's a pathological sadist who gets off on brutally raping and killing random women. Got it. Now look at Craig. He looks...vaguely uncomfortable? He's got a neck brace on. Now, I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever had to wear a neck brace will tell you how extraordinary uncomfortable they are. Because, you know. They chafe and stuff. Right. Now let's skip to Nyqvist, who has a hangman's cheap noose wrapped around his throat. Call me old fashioned, but there's something about Nyqvist's torture that hits a more visceral note, despite Craig's good acting and the excellent help of our friend the plastic bag.

What I'm trying to get at here is between the heavily made up raccoon eyes Rooney Mara sports while she sodomizes her rapist and the odd little neck brace, I get the feeling Fincher got a little caught up in the theatrics when he really just needed to zero in on the genuine, visceral, bloody heart of the moment. The more visually appealing brutality is, the less it hurts. I know what you're thinking. M., lay off. It just looks cool. You're right. You're totally right. I mean, it's not like people are going to entirely miss the point of the movie and make a clothing line based off a mildly psychopathic rape victim, right?...Guys? Right?

And the winner is...Noomi Rapace and her terrifying tattoo skills.

Round Six:

All's well that ends well. Or, you know. Drags out to the point of nibbling on popcorn kernels. Here's the thing. We kind of...don't give that many shits about Mikael's case. It was just a plot device used to get us to this super interesting missing woman case, and now that the case is solved, mission completed, job well done, we're ready to pack up and go home. Alright, so I get that this one isn't that easy to wrap up, we have to explain how Mikael gets off, we have to give Lisbeth a last moment of badassitry, we have to see our hero ride into the sunset with...well...a girl. But did it really need to last as long as it did? I was having LOTRs deja vu watching the multiple endings drag out in front of me. Yeah, so the Swedish version dragged on just as long. But somehow I expected it to drag, since the whole movie had been a lot slower, a lot quieter. Fincher's version was much more fast paced and action packed, so when he dragged his feet through the end, I felt it. 

And the winner is...Zer Svedish.

And The Winner Is...

Er...that's a bit of a tough answer. Especially considering the fact that they've officially tied and I've got no tie-breaker. Look, what it comes down to is, they were both excellent movies in their own right. Usually I feel strongly about one version, but this time I could swing either way. Really, if we could just do this movie one more time mixing and matching the best bits from each movie, I'd be happy. As it is, I'll be content to watch both versions multiple times to satisfy my masochistic love for this brilliant, dark movie.

BAMF Of The Week: Daniel Craig

DANIEL CRAIG

"Life is so fucking good I can taste it in my spit."

Whew, it's been a while since I knocked Michelle Rodriguez off her pedestal. But I was having so much fun watching her glare at me from the corner of my screen, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Daniel Craig seems to be a worthy enough badass to take the place, however, and I figure the timing's about right what with his next big film opening tomorrow. I know there are naysayers. People who think he's too old, too blonde, and it's too hard to find a crack in his tough exterior to fit a smile. But these people clearly haven't seen him laugh at the cards life dealt him and tell a child how the world is just too fucking hilarious. Nor have they seen him steal the screen time and again from Israeli assassins. Nor have they seen him make out with Toby Jones, Rhys Ifans, and Derek Jacobi (but I take your point, who wants to see that?) 

The point is, sure, he's had a Hollywood sell-out here and there, but he also takes some pretty wild risks and pulls them off in true badass form--with a deft gun hand, a wry smile, and an order of vodka martini, shaken, not stirred. It's impossible to talk about Craig's badassitry without mentioning his take on Bond, which is a departure from the franchise, no doubt, but with balls of steel (quite literally), Craig manages to pull it through (without, of course, outshining you-know-who). So I've drank the punch, I have my faith in the man, you wanna fight about it? 

Best films: Road To Perdition (2002), Casino Royale (2006), Layer Cake (2004). 

Worst films: Defiance (2008). I just didn't get it. 

Best moments: "Shaken or stirred?" "Do I look like I give a damn?"

Upcoming films: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo? I'm there. And Skyfall? Don't even get me started. 

Bond 23: SKYFALL

SKYFALL (2012)

Bond 23, we've got a name...Skyfall!  Alright, maybe not the most clever name they've ever come up with, but hey. I'm just about flailing with excitement anyway. Skyfall has no direct connection to Craig's first two movies (no need to beat a dead horse), and it's not based on any Flemming novel (we've run out of material there anyway). Javier Bardem is cast as our villain, Albert Finney is an intelligance officer, and Naomie Harris plays a stunning field agent. Bérénice Marlohe is giving the title of Bond Girl a little French flair. The ever-loved familiar faces of Ralph Fiennes and Helen McCrory are also cast, though the details of their roles haven't yet been leaked. When asked about the various "unnamed" roles, Director Sam Mendes said: "[Bond fans] might recognize them...on the other hand, they might not." Q. and Moneypenny yes please and thank you?? And, of course, the lovely Judi Dench and Daniel Craig are still in the game. Now excuse me while I go hyperventilate with excitement.

COWBOYS AND MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS!

COWBOYS & ALIENS (2011)

Cowboys & Aliens, Bond & Jones, how can this go wrong? Answer: it can't.

In one of the more pivotal moments of the film (which I won't give away--midnight showing at all, I'm actually being responsibly spoil free tonight), the mysterious Olivia Wilde grabs the cold, battle-hardened Daniel Craig by the arm and tells him the only way he can defeat the aliens is if he shuts off his brain. And, in many ways, that's really the only way to go into this movie. With an empty brain ready for some action. I'm not trying to downplay the movie in the slightest--on the contrary, I consider it a compliment. It was the best mindless, exciting, and all-out-fucking fun adventure film I've seen in recent history. Say what you want about your Casablancas and Gone With The Winds, at the end of the day there is really nothing better than a good "bad movie". You know what I'm talking about. Paint-by-numbers character arcs, snappy one-liners, and excessive, explosion action. The difference between this and less thrilling bad "bad movies" like Priest? You don't feel stupid for having seen this movie. Maybe you don't come out learning any life lesson besides how to kill creepy ass aliens, but you don't leave the theater feeling like you just sat through two hours of the director talking smack about you and your mother. In fact, if you're like me, you come out gearing up to see it again. On to the movie. 

COWBOYS

Image from daemonsmovies.com

The best part about this movie? It's exactly what you expect it to be. A homage to two different genres--old westerns and alien horror movies. As for the old western bit, they really pulled out all the stops. We've got your typical lone wolf John Wayne-type hero, the lassie dog that stands by his side, the kid from True Grit, Tonto from The Lone Ranger, the sherif, the barman, the candlestick maker. Anyone and everyone you'd every expect from a cowboy movie they piled up into this film. 

And, sure, maybe some of it didn't pay off 100%. Maybe they could've done without the whole "getting stoned with the Indians" bit. But considering the fact that it was such a campy homage and clearly not taking itself too seriously, you couldn't help but just keep along for the ride. Overall, I think their crowning achievement in the way of westerns had to go to the fact that they were able to make a real hero out of Daniel Craig's Jake Lonergan. It's all in the ending, really, and they could've gone completely Hollywood with it and gave us the mass produced slop your average modern day audience is used to ingesting. No, instead, we get the clop of Jake's hoofs, and you get the satisfied feeling of a campy homage done right. 

ALIENS

Image from beyondhollywood.com

First thing's first: the aliens were fucking creepy! And I'm not talking "creepy for a bad movie" creepy. Not even "they popped up in random places and scared the crap out of me" creepy. I'm talking "genuine creature movie creature" creepy. The cowboys half might've been a bit on the campy side, but they took their aliens dead seriously. I don't know who designed those bastards, but their ugly stomach arms got under my skin. They were ferocious, merciless, beasts of doom and destruction. And it wasn't like there was one main character dead for every twenty aliens they killed--oh, no, these bitches were indestructible, and they flattened our cowboy compadres. They were ugly, they had an (incredibly well designed) imaginative home base, and they flew ships that might've made reavers blush. The weird fishing lines they use to catch humans? Yeah. These bitches mean business.

One of the best things about this movie, without a doubt, was the action. The fight scenes were fantastic--the battles against the aliens themselves weren't only visually stunning, but emotionally harrowing. I'm not sure whether to credit the script or the director on that one, but either way, you feel the claustrophobic panic of being in a warzone of creatures bigger, stronger, and better than you. Sure, they get away with the old "peek-a-boo" alien here and there, but the main tug of the action lies in the mounting tension of it all. And, just for a last note on the aliens, the flashback scenes of the spaceship? Holy fucking God. Now that is what I call a proper alien abduction. Sodomized Hillbilly Hank ain't got nothin' on these guys. 

THE HUMANS

I've died and gone to heaven.

It's really hard to go wrong in a movie were your two leading men just happen to also be Indiana Jones and James Bond. Daniel Craig owned his role as Jack Lonergan and created a great, modern cowboy hero from the dust of classics past. He's always been good at that cold, distant thing, and he pulled it off yet again. Not to mention, he's killer when it comes to action scenes. And I'm not just talking about giving it to someone--the way he looks when he pounds a guy's face in and you just know that sorry bastard isn't getting up again. But he takes it like a pro--when the invincible Jack Lonergan starts to eat dust, you can really feel the stakes kicked up a notch. 

Harrison Ford I'm not going to get into too much detail with because the trailer lead me to believe one thing about his character while his role in the movie itself ended up being a very pleasant surprise. All I'll say is he doesn't get enough diverse roles that he can really sink his teeth into, and I think it's about time we've given the man some respect for that. Sure, he doesn't have the young, charming looks he did some twenty years ago. But he's still got an extraordinary talent and, given the right role, he really runs away and shines with it. Here's to hoping Harrison Ford keeps trucking like the badass he is. And while I'm on the topic, he had brilliant chemistry with Daniel Craig. But maybe the action adventure lover in me was still just seeing stars with the whole Jones/Bond bit. I will say this much--I am very disappointed in Harrison Ford's hat for never having fallen off, only to get snatched up at the last second. It was not his hat's best role, and I expect better from it in the future. 

What's she doing? Stalking? Staring? What do you want??? Take my wallet!

Now for Olivia Wilde. By far, the weakest point of the entire film. Weaker than the hat. I could've done without every single one of her scenes and I would've been happy. Well. Alright. Up until the last ten minutes (after the conversation that started this review), I learned to appreciate her character. And that in itself should be proof of how badass this movie is. But for the other, you know, one hour and fifty minutes of the movie? Yeah. Maybe it was the character, maybe it was the actress, maybe it was the fact that I couldn't get over how strikingly inhuman she looks on a regular basis (am I the only one screaming cylon?). Whatever it was, she sucked giant horse balls. Moving along. 

The rest of the cast falls under a handful of honorable mentions. Paul Dano did a stellar job at the pathetic and proud rich little daddy's boy Percy Dolarhyde, and the only problem with his character was that I simply couldn't get enough of him. But then again, he more or less stole every shot he was in, so it was for the sake of the movie really that they kept his character to a minimum. Keith Carradine played an excellent sheriff and just imbibed the whole period aspect, as did Sam Rockwell. Adam Beach did the best with what his role afford him, which wasn't much more than a typical "token minority" role. And finally, I have to give a shout out to my boy David O'Hara, who was practically unrecognizable in this movie. For the life of me, I don't understand why he goes paycheck to paycheck on bit parts, the dude's a damn good actor. 

End summation? If you're the type of person where just title Cowboys & Aliens has you wetting yourself, go see this movie. End of story. 

TRAILER: Cowboys And Aliens

TRAILER: Cowboys And Aliens

http://i.telegraph.co.uk

The title is almost all you need to jump up and down on your mattress springs in pure, unadulterated glee. Okay. Number one. It has cowboys. And, like, not this new-fangled kind of angsty gritty cowboy thing the Coen Brothers cooked up and everyone else seems to have taken a liking to. No, this is old school, double-saloon doors squeaking while a stray tumbleweed rolls down the dusty prairie floor. And if it couldn't get any better, there are aliens. ALIENS. All I needed were fucking Ninjas and I would've died on the spot. Maybe the Aliens are also Ninjas? Who knows! 

But to be serious about it. The best part of this whole thing is the casting. Olivia Wilde, okay, I kind of liked her better before House M.D. to be perfectly honest, even though I have nothing against House, I was addicted to that show for a few good years. But I'm willing to let her blow me away again. Daniel Craig, I love. Harrison Ford, yes please. Harrison Ford, just to elaborate, deserves this role. He really, really does. Because he's a fucking good actor. And I know, I know, age did not treat him well. He's not the hot hunk of a man he used to be. But you know what? I'm sorry he didn't get 1,000 plastic surgery operations to make himself look like a walking piece of a wax museum. But his ruggish looks were only half the joy of watching him. He really sold us with his genuine great acting skills. Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Rick Deckard--these are classic fucking characters. Character that defined the cinematic world as we know it. And what roles is he getting these days? Some grumpy news anchor in the romcom Morning Glory? Are you shitting me? It's about fucking time he got a role in which he could be his true badass self once again. Oh, but the best part? The BEST part??? And this part I'm really way too excited for. Are you ready? Really ready? It's going to be legen...wait for it...James Bond and Indiana Jones are going to be in the same fucking movie!!! All my wishes have been granted. Next life please. 

Jon Favreau is directing. Steven Spielberg's fingers of awesome are in this pie. It's based off a comic book, which means it automatically has to be the shit. I'm so excited I could behead ten kittens on the spot.

Turkey Dinner: Shaken, Not Stirred.

CASINO ROYALE (2006)

Bond. James Bond.

Ah, Thanksgiving. To most, Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, to enjoy the company of family, and wear elastic waistband pants. To me, Thanksgiving means one thing: the James Bond marathon on Spike TV (which has been switched to the Syfy channel this year because Spike decided Gangland was a better way to celebrate Thanksgiving? Spike. C'mon). How this became an annual "thing" I'm not sure, I really don't know what British spies have to do with the most American tradition to date. Nonetheless, I find that every year my attempt to kick back and enjoy an epic 007 marathon is thwarted by the people who want to sit across from me and eat a giant turkey. Well. In attempt to get my Bond fix in DESPITE this alleged holiday called Thanksgiving, I decided to do a movie review of Casino Royale. Why Casino Royale? You might ask. It's recent, it's controversial, and it happens to be one of my favorite Bond movies. Groan. How unloyal of me to enjoy a Bond film that didn't have the God of all Bond, Sean Connery, in it, right? Well, I will not disagree with you there. Sean Connery is THE James Bond. However, I think the last two Bond movies have something very interesting going on in them that really switches up the entire franchise as we know it. 

We've seen it happening to other movies. Batman Begins (2005) is a great example. Do we remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger was Mr. Freeze, and not in the cool Terminator way, but in the Campy McCampster way? Or Adam West, the most hilarious and most schizophrenic Batman yet? Christopher Nolan took a sudden and extremely dark and serious turn with Patrick Bateman's heavy growl and angsty forehead. Tis the season for dark and angsty, and 007 picked it up right away. Despite the range of opinions on Daniel Craig's portrayal of James Bond, one thing is for certain: he definitely changed the face of 007 from here on out, and it's not because of the blonde hair. Casino Royale is dark, grimy, and deadly. Gone are the cartoonish (though classic) villains like Jaws and the near superhero Bond who drove invisible ice cars (good fucking riddance). Instead, we have a Bond who's actually human. The opening ten minutes literally demolish every Bond that's come before. Bond is sloppy, Bond has origins, Bond is devilishly clever instead of all out muscle. And it's like falling back in love after 20 years of marriage. 

Daniel Craig: the only 007 to steal the bathing suit shot from the Bond Girls.

Granted, I'm extraordinarily biased. I could see Daniel Craig as Bond the second he was cast, thanks to Layer Cake. I know there are a lot of people who have multiple problems with him, some of which I can't disagree with. Yes, I did miss the constant witty quips of the previous Bond movies, though they did make a real effort to toss them in there now and then. And yes, maybe Craig has a hard time smiling and therefore smirking arrogantly, which no Bond can be without. Nonetheless, I stand by him and hope to see him in many more Bond films to come. Also, Craig has voted for a gay Bond scene. I would literally die happy. Possibly in my theater seat. 

Pure Bond Girl glory.

Craig aside, the movie had a lot of great perks. Case in point, Vesper Lynd, played by the extraordinarily gorgeous Eva Green. She was a classic Bond Girl--sexy, sexy, and sexy. She also happened to be extremely clever and a nice counterpoint to Bond--both with her humanity and her willingness to constantly challenge him. Speaking of "origin" stories, it was nice to see a sort of...pre-Bond Bond. A Bond who developed trust issues with women thanks to a certain Vesper Lynd. Sure, he has a heavy petting session with Caterina Murino, but who wouldn't? Bond has a heart, to the point where he almost gets married. And not in the awkward On Her Majesty's Secret Service way. In a way that we go "Ahhh...now we understand where the womanizer comes from."

For some noteworthy moments, we got Jeffery Wright as Felix Leiter, which was a great choice. He's gruff, but has a great brotherly chemistry with 007. And Judi Dench, of course, returned as M. I hope that woman never leaves--there is really no other M. for me. Who doesn't love Bond bleeding some Mommy issues? Lastly, Le Chiffre. Overall, he's not so intimidating. He's clearly just a man who got himself in a bad spot and is currently paying hell for it. However, he does cry blood, and that's fucking great. It's a little nod to the comic book style Bond of simpler times. 

Lastly, some great moments. The card game was riveting, which is extraordinarily hard to do when it's...you know. A long card game in the middle of an action film. Also, the torture scene was great. Again. Never before has Bond had his masculinity so...well. Beaten. But he took it like a sport. I had the joy of seeing this scene with my grandmother. I'm pretty sure I traumatized her for the rest of her days.  

I could go on. Bond has a very special place in my heart and there's little I love more than ranting about it. However, I will just leave with a bit of advice for the next movies: Please, God, PLEASE give me Miss Moneypenny and Q back!!! You can reinvent Bond all you want, but they're classics. And Judi Dench, never die. That is all. 

"Fucking Females Is For Poofs."

LAYER CAKE (2004)

In the style of Guy Ritchie's earlier films (Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels), Layer Cake gives us our hero, Your Neighborhood Friendly Drug Dealer. Also known as XXX [character's name modified for the purposes of fulfilling movie watching]. I know what you're thinking. Goodfellas, Scarface, Pineapple Express. That dude Brad Pitt played in True Romance. No, no, no. XXX, portrayed by one of my favorites, Daniel Craig, is not like that at all. He's a down to earth modern day Odysseus with a suit and a stubborn attitude. Everything must be clean, clean, clean. He runs his business, nevermind that he'd dealing drugs. Business is business. He keeps his nose out of the dirt and lets everyone else do the heavy lifting political banter. In fact, he's even taking the high road and getting out while the gettin' is good. Yes indeed, life seems good for our friend XXX. Except for one problem. He's too good at his job to get out and now that he's trying to scram, he's making friends with all the wrong people. And he stumbles his way through the thick of it, losing ground fast into the sink hole of drugs, money, and guns while still trying to keep his face clean and his tie straight. 

Image from www.smh.com.au

I first saw this movie when rumors of Daniel Craig were just starting to filter in from that thing we call the internet. And I thought, Yeah, okay. I can see it. I like to think of this movie as the reason anyone might've thought he would make a good Bond. Because, let's face it. He's not your poster boy for smokin' hot (though he can give this lesbian a woody any day of the week). He's not particularly witty. And you have to pull a couple of teeth to get a good smile out of his permanently frowned mouth. But if Layer Cake does anything, it makes a 007 out of him. Only a 007 that does just about everything wrong, is hardly suave, and is extremely anal retentive yet somehow undeniably charming, loveable, and--wait for it--badass. 

Other worthy mentions in this movie go to his two cronies, Morty and Gene. Morty, played by George Harris (most commonly known these days as Kingsley Shacklebolt, AKA, Could He Be Anymore Stereotypically African?), is XXX's harder-than-stone partner in crime who's rejoined the gang after doing ten years jail time. He keeps his mouth shut and his blood temperature level for the most part, but when he explodes...you sure as hell better hope he's not going to go off on you. The fight scene (or should I say the beat-to-shit scene since the opposing party didn't have a chance to put up much of a fight) between him and the man who put him away is epic. The Brits do love their tea.

The second honorable mention goes to Gene, played by Colm Meaney, one of those actors who's been in...just about everything, but you still love him for it. Gene knows his guns like his cock and he's probably one of the more bona fide gangster types in the movie. And for a gangster movie, this one pokes a lot of fun at gangsters. On one hand, we have The Duke (Jamie Foreman), who's one of the most inept wanna be gangsters on the screen. Then we have Crazy Larry, who I wish they'd done a prequel of just so I could see Jason Flemyng's ridiculous hair for another two hours. Last but not least, a shout out to my boy Tom Hardy who went really quite fey, and XXX's love interest Tammy, who was played by Sienna Miller's ass and legs. 

AssAndLegs deserves an Oscar. 

All in all, I really do love this movie. It's entertaining, it's bloody with a sense of humor, it takes occasional risks with the style, and it has some top notch actors. Not to mention, it deals with all of the stuff that all the other gangster movies forgot to mention. Like the fact that most self-proclaimed gangsters are complete fuck ups, that killing a man actually does do some pretty shit things to your soul, and that the underdog does not always win.

Because I'm a bitcher, I will bitch about a thing or two, though. Number one, I've seen this movie multiple times and I'm still not crystal clear on what exactly happened in the plot. But I blame that on book to movie adaptations. And this is just me being a stupid American, but I definitely missed about a couple good sentences here and there due to the thick accents. I had to watch it with subtitles with my parents. But a complex plot and nonsensical talk is a trivial complaint when it comes to a movie as fun as this one is. Oo th'fock needs it anyways, eh?

Oh, and Daniel Craig's character? His name? Well, to figure that out, you'll have to see the--