Frank Martin Is Not A Tourist.

THE TRANSPORTER (2002)

Image from shockya.com.

Before there was Driver, there was the Transporter. Frank Martin is a no-nonsense transporter who will serve as a getaway driver as well as deliver a couple less-than-savory packages. He's slick, he blunt, and he has rules that cannot be broken. Rule #1: when it's a deal, it's a deal. Rule #2: no names. Rule #3: don't open the package. However, when the package thrown in his drunk starts squirming and crying out for help, he can't quite help but bend the rules a little. Especially when she turns out to be a smoking hot bound and gagged Asian chick. Which is when all hell breaks loose in a top-speed, knuckles bared, fight for their lives. So sorry, Ryan Gosling, save the art deco for Andy Warhol, this is how you do a motherfucking movie about getaway drivers.

Jason Statham gets all the bitches.

I'm not going to say it's perfect. There were a couple bumps on the road, to put it nicely. The bad guys, for one, could have kicked it up a gear. The head honcho turned out to be the father of our bound and gagged Asian, Lai, who looked a shit ton like Michael Jackson on a bad day. And, alright, daddy issues, I can root for that. It worked for Star Wars, we can do it again, right? And, of course, they had the complimentary American bad guy just so we don't get completely confused because what the hell is this, some foreign movie? They called the American "Wall Street", but that was about the only badass thing going for him. Other than that, he had no scars or no signature weapon, nothing that really set him apart as an awesome henchmen, so I couldn't really get into him.

The good guys, however, were something else. First off, Frank Martin. Played by Jason Statham. Just the words "Jason Statham" should give you automatic faith in the movie. Which isn't to say he hasn't played in a couple crap movies, he's done his share of crap. But the dude is just so fucking entertaining it's hard to be disappointed in him. The camera likes him. And he always delivers exactly what you expect from him--a solid performance that is exactly one thing: Jason Statham. He plays Jason Statham in every movie and we've just gotta love him for him. To top it off, Frank Martin is a character that we haven't seen the likes of in a while. Sure, he's got the swagger of an anti-hero, always treading that neutral territory between bad and good. But he's got some heart, and something that we haven't witnessed since the 90s--he doesn't actually kill anyone. Really. Watch the movie. Do people die in good, bloody gore? No. They just kind of...fall down and don't get back up. And the ones he does leave standing usually go white with fear and turn tail in the other direction. In the age of slow-motion kills when we get to watch superheroes themselves slice a coin through the bad guy's skull, there is something almost nostalgic in this movie. Something actually nice about the hero who...is an actual hero and performs badass stunts but does it with a little mercy and a lot of style.

Image from culturemob.com.

As for the stunts, I've got to say. The action scenes were a heck of a lot of fun. I mean, c'mon. Jason Statham--sorry--Frank Martin literally engages in a bit of oil wrestling with about five other guys and slips and slides all over the floor, kicking all their asses. Really, what more can you want? There's just some really brilliantly choreographed fight scenes--and we're talking hand-to-hand combat, mind you. Not a simple draw-a-gun-and-done. Mixed martial arts is always the way to go.

As a side note, there was one downside to the action. And that was the music. Who the fuck compiled this score? It's weird, it's out of place, and it doesn't get me pumped. There are some genres you can get away with bad music. Dramas, occasionally, especially when it's that Victorian-era crap. Comedies don't always need a good score if the jokes sell it for them. But action films. You need good, choreographed action, and a good soundtrack to pump it up. If you want me adrenaline going, give me something to ride it on. I don't know about you, but I don't work out to elevator music. It's Fratellis or bust. The point is, you can make the best action movie ever, but if you don't have a score supporting it, it's going to trip and fall on its face. And that, unfortunately, was the fate of The Transporter.

Still. Bad score aside, I've got to give credit where credit is due. And that credit lies in Lai, played by Shu Qi. I'm sure there are plenty reasons not to like her, but I couldn't help but be charmed by the girl. I mean, she spends the first half of the movie tied to a chair with duct tape on her mouth, rolling around trying to escape. She's incredibly endearing, especially for action movie eye candy. Badass action scenes aside, I've got to say, I think my favorite parts of the movie were when Frank was trying to maneuver around her. Whether she was stuffed in his trunk or unable to keep her mouth shut, the two had good chemistry together and they milked it.

Honey badger don't give a shit.

At the end of the day, this is just a fun as hell movie. Good action, good eye candy, and good Jason Stathem. I might've been disappointed if I'd caught this one in theaters, but as a rental or a caught-it-while-it-was-on-tv, it makes for good, brainless fun.