Who's Up For Chelios Pong & Why Am I Bleeding?

CRANK (2006)

The poster art was way too good to pass up.

DEAR GOD THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANT IN A MOVIE FUCKING SHIT MOTHER LOVING MONKEY CUNT...

...and so on and so forth. I was going to write this entire review in capitals and profanity, but then I had a small seizure halfway through, ran through ten walls, and now have new M.-shaped openings to wave to my neighbors though. In case you're wondering, yes, this movie is that fucking good.

So I tried to come up with an appropriate means to honor the epicness that is Crank. And I came up with this: Chelios Pong. It's kind of like a drinking game, a la my friends at French Toast Sunday. But lets be real, if you're watching Crank, you're not drinking. You're snorting lines of coke and zapping yourself with a taser every time your heart slows down. So, in honor of the awesome that is Crank, here is a game of Chelios Pong designed for Chev Chelios himself. Unless your name is Chev Chelios, do not try this at home or anywhere else. You will die. Maybe Chuck Norris can join in, but even that's pushing it.

TAKE A DRINK EVERY TIME CHELIOS PUT A GUN TO SOMEONE'S HEAD

We'll start off easy in Chelios Pong, even though Crank starts off as anything but. We're introduced immediately to Chev Chelios, the more-than-volatile hit-man who wakes up to find out he's been poisoned in his sleep and has about an hour left to live. And the only way to keep himself alive? Keep his heart pumping. Fast. The movie starts on a high note and just gets higher. It's really something to admire when you hit the ground running and keep the tension pumping until the last very frame. It's action, action, and more action. Not needless, not extraneous--very important, life saving action. Shameless premise? Absolutely. But we need more shamelessness like this! It's a movie that never has to apologize, and even if it did, it'd prefer to spit in your face and call you a fag. And, whenever you think you're about to hit a slow point and take a breath, there's that dull thud of Chelios' heartbeat, reminding you that, when time is ticking, every beat counts. And it's time to break some skulls.

SNORT A LINE OF COCAINE EVERY TIME A BADASS CHARACTER IS INTRODUCED

Now for the list of awesomeness. For a movie filled with some of the craziest fuckers you will ever meet, all the actors and actresses held their own and were perfect for each and every role. Jose Pablo Cantillo was perfect as the henchman with a short and explosive temper. Efren Ramirez worked it as the drag queen man-on-the-street, Kaylo. DRAG QUEEN. FUCKING AWESOME. Dwight Yoakam was a hilarious mad doctor, matched only by his Chocolate, Valarie Rae Miller. There was even some celeb-spotting--credited as "Hatian Cabbie" was the black man from X-Men: First Class (wonder why he died first...?). The thing is, at the end of the day, every actor seems to accept this movie for exactly what it is--a campy ass fun fucking time--and they embrace the spirit of that with their characters. Their crazy, crazy fucking characters.

Of course, the is leaving out the best character of them all. Chev Chelios himself. The dude is a fucking superhero. An action hero. A most epic character among epic characters. Let's look at the facts: he's a hit-man with a soft spot for his girl, but he harbors sadomasochistic tendencies even when he's not hopped up on "The Chinese Shit" and he's guaranteed to fuck everyone up, including himself. He's a straight up MOTHERFUCKING BADASS. Chev Chelios has that act-first-think-later attitude that we love in James Bond, but instead of being suave about it, he's crass and brutal. What it comes down to is this: Chev Chelios' biggest obstacle is Chev Chelios. Oh. And The Chinese Shit. 

STICK YOUR HAND IN A TOASTER EVERY TIME EVE DOES SOMETHING ADORABLE

No, not that kind of toaster, you dirty, geeky bastard. Though Caprica Six is about just as deadly. Moving right along...just when you think I couldn't get more excited about this movie, it happened. Eve. Anyone who's even skimmed this blog will know I have a bit of a fetish for rough and tumble women with guns. Eve is on the exact opposite side of that spectrum. She's the eye-candy, the pretty little thing that runs around with her purse and her squeals all blonde and boobs. An action movie essential. Get it? Got it? Good. 

Except there's more to Eve than that. The thing is, she's an actual character. I think the brilliance of Eve has to be credited partly to the script and partly to Amy Smart, who absolutely owns the role. I'll spell it out for you: in action movies, we have two types, the overcompensating (but always appreciated) butch badass, or the girly girly who hops from one tit to the other and doesn't do diddly. Eve rests somewhere in between. Granted, she doesn't wield the gun in the relationship--she leaves that all to Chev. But she's not a helpless woman. And therein lies the distinction: even though Eve is femme as hell, she not only takes care of herself, but also her man. She's the rhyme and reason behind Chelios, the driving force to why he does everything he does. He's got the muscle and the badassitry, but when she tells him to fix the clock on the microwave, boy best fix the clock on the microwave. Seriously, hats off to the script writers for writing one extremely fucking rare believable romance. Which, in turn, makes Eve one badass bitch. Their chemistry is great, their relationship feels genuine, and I'm with them every step of the way. Really, Nicolas Sparks has a thing or two to learn about adrenaline junkies and their hoes. 

INJECT YOURSELF WITH SOMETHING-THAT-STARTS-WITH-E EVERY TIME A NEW STYLE COMES UP

Here's the think--Crank is a really stylized movie. But in a good way. This is the epitome of some art in an action film. On the flip side, we've got movies like Drive, that are some action in an art film (I enjoyed the movie, I swear, I just also have a shit ton of fun making fun of it). The point is, there is a fine line, and Crank balances it perfectly. We've got our crazy fucking action, but it also happens to be blended perfectly with little bouts of comic-book-esque style. It adds to the heightened sense of ridiculousness and just makes the movie that much more awesome. 

STICK UP A HOSPITAL EVERY TIME CHELIOS EXPLAINS WHAT'S GOING ON

In certain movies, especially ones with convoluted plots, the main character will have to repeat the plot over and over to various minor characters, just to let everyone know what the fuck's going in. Crank had Chelios explain his heart issues over and over again. Why? Not because it's complicated. Not because the audience has a hard time wrapping their heads around it. No, every time Chelios has a little exposition scene, the writers are bragging. They're motherfucking bragging. Why? BECAUSE IT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE COME UP WITH THIS PREMISE SOONER? WHY IS THERE BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY EAR--?

JUMP OUT OF A HELICOPTER EVERY TIME CHELIOS JUMPS OUT OF A HELICOPTER

Naturally, this is one you only have to do once. Be sure to watch out for wind interference while trying to make a phone call. 

BAMF Of The Week: Jason Statham

JASON STATHAM
"Bonjour, douchebag."

Since I fina-fucking-ly got around to watching Crank, this was the inevitable outcome. Jason Statham up on the wall of fame. I'm aware that he's an actor who people have mixed opinions about, but let's look at the facts: he's a really fucking good action hero/anti-hero. He does his own stunts, he looks lethal with a gun, and he knows how to deliver a good one-liner. Sold. The best part about it? He's British, so he knows how to sell sarcasm. Sarcastic wit is a talent they've really nailed on the head over there, and he pulls it off with his often snide, petty characters. So, yes. Jason Statham always plays Jason Statham. But really, why would you want him to be anything else?

Best Films: Crank, Snatch. (2000), and Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels (1998). Basically, he's just feeding off my Guy Ritchie fetish. Mean Machine (2001), while not movie of the year, was just a fun fucking movie and he was hilarious in it. However, if you want to see a movie that's not particularly great but leaves you going, "Wait, Jason Statham can act?", try London (2005). 

Worst Films: The Expendables (2010). Shudder. Though, to be fair, I haven't actually seen Gnomeo & Juliet (2011). 

Fun Fact: He's an asshole in real life? Orly? And Chuck Norris is a Republican, ask me how much I care. 

Upcoming: Safe (2012) just came out. So it's not a particularly original plot, but I'll be seeing that shit anyway. 

I haven't actually gotten around to The Mechanic (2011) or Blitz (2011), though I've been meaning to. Any takers?  

Frank Martin Is Not A Tourist.

THE TRANSPORTER (2002)

Image from shockya.com.

Before there was Driver, there was the Transporter. Frank Martin is a no-nonsense transporter who will serve as a getaway driver as well as deliver a couple less-than-savory packages. He's slick, he blunt, and he has rules that cannot be broken. Rule #1: when it's a deal, it's a deal. Rule #2: no names. Rule #3: don't open the package. However, when the package thrown in his drunk starts squirming and crying out for help, he can't quite help but bend the rules a little. Especially when she turns out to be a smoking hot bound and gagged Asian chick. Which is when all hell breaks loose in a top-speed, knuckles bared, fight for their lives. So sorry, Ryan Gosling, save the art deco for Andy Warhol, this is how you do a motherfucking movie about getaway drivers.

Jason Statham gets all the bitches.

I'm not going to say it's perfect. There were a couple bumps on the road, to put it nicely. The bad guys, for one, could have kicked it up a gear. The head honcho turned out to be the father of our bound and gagged Asian, Lai, who looked a shit ton like Michael Jackson on a bad day. And, alright, daddy issues, I can root for that. It worked for Star Wars, we can do it again, right? And, of course, they had the complimentary American bad guy just so we don't get completely confused because what the hell is this, some foreign movie? They called the American "Wall Street", but that was about the only badass thing going for him. Other than that, he had no scars or no signature weapon, nothing that really set him apart as an awesome henchmen, so I couldn't really get into him.

The good guys, however, were something else. First off, Frank Martin. Played by Jason Statham. Just the words "Jason Statham" should give you automatic faith in the movie. Which isn't to say he hasn't played in a couple crap movies, he's done his share of crap. But the dude is just so fucking entertaining it's hard to be disappointed in him. The camera likes him. And he always delivers exactly what you expect from him--a solid performance that is exactly one thing: Jason Statham. He plays Jason Statham in every movie and we've just gotta love him for him. To top it off, Frank Martin is a character that we haven't seen the likes of in a while. Sure, he's got the swagger of an anti-hero, always treading that neutral territory between bad and good. But he's got some heart, and something that we haven't witnessed since the 90s--he doesn't actually kill anyone. Really. Watch the movie. Do people die in good, bloody gore? No. They just kind of...fall down and don't get back up. And the ones he does leave standing usually go white with fear and turn tail in the other direction. In the age of slow-motion kills when we get to watch superheroes themselves slice a coin through the bad guy's skull, there is something almost nostalgic in this movie. Something actually nice about the hero who...is an actual hero and performs badass stunts but does it with a little mercy and a lot of style.

Image from culturemob.com.

As for the stunts, I've got to say. The action scenes were a heck of a lot of fun. I mean, c'mon. Jason Statham--sorry--Frank Martin literally engages in a bit of oil wrestling with about five other guys and slips and slides all over the floor, kicking all their asses. Really, what more can you want? There's just some really brilliantly choreographed fight scenes--and we're talking hand-to-hand combat, mind you. Not a simple draw-a-gun-and-done. Mixed martial arts is always the way to go.

As a side note, there was one downside to the action. And that was the music. Who the fuck compiled this score? It's weird, it's out of place, and it doesn't get me pumped. There are some genres you can get away with bad music. Dramas, occasionally, especially when it's that Victorian-era crap. Comedies don't always need a good score if the jokes sell it for them. But action films. You need good, choreographed action, and a good soundtrack to pump it up. If you want me adrenaline going, give me something to ride it on. I don't know about you, but I don't work out to elevator music. It's Fratellis or bust. The point is, you can make the best action movie ever, but if you don't have a score supporting it, it's going to trip and fall on its face. And that, unfortunately, was the fate of The Transporter.

Still. Bad score aside, I've got to give credit where credit is due. And that credit lies in Lai, played by Shu Qi. I'm sure there are plenty reasons not to like her, but I couldn't help but be charmed by the girl. I mean, she spends the first half of the movie tied to a chair with duct tape on her mouth, rolling around trying to escape. She's incredibly endearing, especially for action movie eye candy. Badass action scenes aside, I've got to say, I think my favorite parts of the movie were when Frank was trying to maneuver around her. Whether she was stuffed in his trunk or unable to keep her mouth shut, the two had good chemistry together and they milked it.

Honey badger don't give a shit.

At the end of the day, this is just a fun as hell movie. Good action, good eye candy, and good Jason Stathem. I might've been disappointed if I'd caught this one in theaters, but as a rental or a caught-it-while-it-was-on-tv, it makes for good, brainless fun. 

Your Mind Will Not Accept This Movie.

REVOLVER (2005)

Image from beyondhollywood.com

What is it with me and British gangster films? Nonetheless, you can't talk about British gangsters and not mention Guy. Guy Ritchie delivers a tour de force with an intellectual gangster film that's definitely one of a kind. We have guns, sharp wit, and Jewish mysticism. Seriously. Only Guy Ritchie could pull this off. That said, if you are just dipping your toes into the glory that is Guy Ritchie, I would not recommend you start with this movie. Definitely start with his earlier stuff, Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch seem to be the general consensus for "Guy Ritchie classics". On the other hand, if you're as much of a Guy Ritchie junkie as I am, this should definitely be on your to-see list. 

I know I'm going on a limb with this statement since Revolver is one of the least widely accepted Guy movies, but it's one of my favorites. And I will tell you why. The pseudo intellectual mumbojumbo. Yes, I understand, this is a big turn off for most folks. When they want an action movie, they want an action movie. When they want a documentary on cons, chess, and Judaism, they want a documentary on cons, chess, and Judaism. The thing is, I always want action. So to me, it's more like a great motherfucking movie, with the added bonus of blowing my mind. No one complained when Memento pulled the old amnesia schtick. What's wrong with a macho movie that requires a bit of thoughts to understand it?

There's a reason chess games are cliché. Because they're awesome.

Alright. So maybe I'm not giving you adequate warning. I will say this: as much as I did love a good bit of mind fuck, it took me about three views to actually understand the plot. Since there, I've seen it more than a couple times, and I still trip up on bits and pieces. Even during the commentary, there are parts when Guy Ritchie pauses then goes, "To fully understand this movie, you have to know stuff that I can't talk about on this commentary because it would take too long to explain." But when you get over the religious hump, this comes down to a story about ego and humanity. I like to think of this as the "real" version of all Guy Ritchie's other movies. He strips away the cartoon remorseless killers and makes them turn around and come face to face with their own greed. It's sort of the Requiem For A Dream of gangster films.

BUT. If you hang up your brain and give yourself over to the brilliance that is Revolver, I don't think you'll be disappointed. The characters in this movie are positively badass. Jake Green, played by one of Ritchie's favorites Jason Statham, is a recently released con man. And he's made it his mission to get a little pay back and sink his nemesis, the rich and famous Macha (the fanfuckingtastic Ray Liotta), deep in debt. However, his plans get thwarted thanks to a rare blood disease and a couple of hard hitting loan sharks (Andre Benjamin--who'da thought he could act?--and Vincent Pastore).

Do not mess with a geek with a gun.

Jason Statham for one plays a refreshing character for him. Sure, he's a cold sonofabitch, but he's not that pure testosterone meathead of a man. Instead, he plays a character with a soul, a character who has to go through some extremely strenuous self evaluation. It's the best acting I've seen from Statham yet, I was legitimately impressed. Ray Liotta is also...well. He's Ray Liotta. He's extraordinarily badass. I've yet to see him in a role where he didn't blow me away. And this is no exception. Until I saw Goodfellas, I thought this was his best role. Now I realize it's his second best. But that's still saying a lot. His performance is chilling. But then again, there's nothing scarier than watching a top dog mobster crumble under his own towering ego. The best I saved for last. Jason Statham, awesome, Ray Liotta, awesome...but the one who really sold this movie for me was Mark Strong. Strong plays Sorter, a one of a kind OCD nerdy hit man. There...is very little I can say about Sorter. Except for the fact that he wears pants just short enough to show his socks, and yet he can still drill a hole in a wall, stick a gun with it, and kill anyone on the other end with a single shot. He's a BAMF. End of story. 

One last note on this movie. DO NOT watch the American version. The American version of most things are shit, but for this movie in particularly. I picked it up just to have the commentary and the movie itself literally makes no sense. They cut out major plot twists, save characters who have EPIC deaths, and lose the entire ending. Yeah. It's awful. If you have suffered the American version, I'm sorry. You can probably download the British version floating around somewhere online or just do the Amazon thing.

And so, all you Guy Ritchie fanatics, go out and check this one out. And shine on, you crazy diamonds.

A Bad Guy Who Just Needs Finger Paint.

THE EXPENDABLES (2010)

Although I hesitated to review the movie, it's clear that this should have been one of the badass-est movies of the year. Instead? Well. I believe the title speaks for itself. The best part of this movie was the vague and mysterious promotional poster, a skull exploding with various threatening weapons and a list of enough big action movie CLASSICS. Enough to make every 13 year old boy (and 20 year old dyke) wet themselves with pure testosterone joy. Unfortunately, the mystery in the poster wasn't simply a ploy to drag audiences to the movie--it was the movie. Big names, big guns, and very, very little else. I'd give you a plot, except there was none. Something about mercenaries, an evil American capitalist, and a small town shitty Spanish country. The end.

Normally, I would not have a problem with this. I'm a James Bond fan. It's how my brain works. However. I do request a little something something. A little plot. A little character development. A little attention to dialogue. A little bone for my dog. The Expendables promised much and delivered zip. It felt more like a family reunion for all the aging action movie heros than a movie. Granted, to be fair. The big names were fun. Very fun. Schwarzenegger's appearance had me clapping, even his last "vote for me!" line was deliciously contrived. Bruce Willis also warmed the hollow place in my chest where my heart should be. But both had very little purpose to the actual film, clearly tossed in there as a last second cameo. Mickey Rourke, on the other hand, filled his small role with life and breathed some energy into the sterile script. He played a tattooist with a heart, boarding on born-again romantic, but dashed with a war torn cynicism. He was able to both straddle the line between rough and tumble and sensitive--a man with muscle and tears.

Now for the Expendables themselves. Stallone has to take the marbles out of his mouth and give Angelina Jolie her lips back. Jason Statham I love to death, thanks to every Guy Ritchie film ever made, and while he can do little wrong in my eyes, his character didn't have much of an arc and his romance troubles seemed a bit...dare I say it...expendable. Jet Li nearly saved the movie--his character was entertaining, witty, and simply fun to be around. Not to mention, bad fucking ass. Thank you short people. Lundren reminded me of Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker. Crews was every token black man in every action movie combined into one. Austin and Couture were...wait...who were they? That's right: completely forgettable. Granted, Couture had the potential to be a cool character, if he only had more than 3 lines.

"What do you find when you look up 'plotless' in the dictionary?" "What's a dictionary?"

Credit where credit is due. Everyone knows that each and every one of these actors has the potential to be larger than life badass. They wouldn't be in this movie if that wasn't so. However, the script was clearly an unfortunate afterthought. The film circles around the tightly knit group of mercenaries called The Expendables. Which would be a kickass premise in itself, if they only KEPT THE EXPENDABLES TOGETHER. C'mon, Stallone. Really. You have a cast of about a dozen extremely cool cats. And yet they're only all together in...maybe a couple scenes? They're constantly split up into groups of 2s or 3s, giving the group a disconnected feeling. The A Team isn't called "The Hannibal and Face Movie". It's about the A Team--the four main characters are almost always together, even if they've pulled each other aside for a one-on-one conversation. It kept the feeling of brotherhood running thick through the film. Here, however, I couldn't care less for half the characters. And I got the feeling the rest of the crew couldn't care much either. I understand that in their badassitry, they'd forgotten how to have emotions. But really. Don't leave all the crying to Rourke. Let's give some familial feelings to the rest of the gang.

Lucky ball.

End rant. The plot. RIGHT. The mercenaries who aren't at all tight knit end up getting buttfucked by their man Gunner who betrays them and joins the bad guy instead (who would've thought, what with them being such a friendly group at all. Maybe Gunner just wanted more hugs!). The bad guy is an American businessman James Munroe, played by a relatively creepy Eric Roberts. Munroe is manipulating General Garza, the dictator of anonymous typical South American country, into doing what he wants when he wants it and raping anonymous typical South American country for every dollar it's worth. The Expendables take the job to assassinate said hopeless Garza (who's really a friendly dictator, if only he didn't have the Americans on his back). While taking the job, Stallone (let's call it like it is, there were no characters here, just actors) runs into the beautiful Giselle Itié. She happens to be the dictator's daughter, Sandra, even though she's rebelling against Daddy so she can be the female Ché. And she paints pictures we suppose somehow symbolically represent her anonymous South American country. We also want to see her take off her clothes (which, spoiler alert, we don't. But more about that later). Munroe doesn't like the daughter. The daughter's a problem. The daughter PAINTS. This is the last straw for Munroe. He really flips out when he sees her paintings. Why? My theory is he never got enough finger painting in as a child and this is really the last straw. In any case, he takes revenge on Sandra's paintings, and the Expendables come in to save the girl, kill the bad American, and blow some random shit up.

Sandra. Let's give her a moment. What the fuck was up with her? I would have been fine with her character if the movie had just picked a role for her and ran with it. She appears in the beginning as nothing more than your typical movie sexpot. She's hot, she's clearly a shoe-in for Stallone's love interest, the stage has been set. But as the movie progresses, she turns into something else entirely. She takes a few hits for the Expendables, shines on in her rebellion, and even takes a good waterboarding. Alright. I'm on board. Waterboarding is cool. If she can take that, she must be kickass. Right? Well, no. She's actually a helpless femme fatale who can't really do anything else for the rest of the movie except get herself constantly held ransom. Alright. So what happened to the chick who was able to withstand a waterboarding two seconds ago? Finally, at the end, she parts ways with them as those she's "one of the guys". No sex, no nakedness, not even a kiss on the lips from Stallone. You know what--fine. I don't care about a soppy love interest. I respect Guy Ritchie for the fact that he knows well enough to leave actually romance OUT of a good bromance action movie. However, Stallone just can't make up his mind about what he wants to do with Sandra. Does he want to fuck her, or does he want her to fuck everyone else up? Is she going to be badass or is she going to be the token set of breasts? I'm fine with either, really, I am. Just make up your mind, because after I got no nipples and no chick-with-firearms, I'm left unsatisfied on both fronts.

To conclude: Not enough sex, not enough bromance, and not enough badassitry for what had so, so, SO much potential. Someone fix this.