Who's Up For Chelios Pong & Why Am I Bleeding?

CRANK (2006)

The poster art was way too good to pass up.

DEAR GOD THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANT IN A MOVIE FUCKING SHIT MOTHER LOVING MONKEY CUNT...

...and so on and so forth. I was going to write this entire review in capitals and profanity, but then I had a small seizure halfway through, ran through ten walls, and now have new M.-shaped openings to wave to my neighbors though. In case you're wondering, yes, this movie is that fucking good.

So I tried to come up with an appropriate means to honor the epicness that is Crank. And I came up with this: Chelios Pong. It's kind of like a drinking game, a la my friends at French Toast Sunday. But lets be real, if you're watching Crank, you're not drinking. You're snorting lines of coke and zapping yourself with a taser every time your heart slows down. So, in honor of the awesome that is Crank, here is a game of Chelios Pong designed for Chev Chelios himself. Unless your name is Chev Chelios, do not try this at home or anywhere else. You will die. Maybe Chuck Norris can join in, but even that's pushing it.

TAKE A DRINK EVERY TIME CHELIOS PUT A GUN TO SOMEONE'S HEAD

We'll start off easy in Chelios Pong, even though Crank starts off as anything but. We're introduced immediately to Chev Chelios, the more-than-volatile hit-man who wakes up to find out he's been poisoned in his sleep and has about an hour left to live. And the only way to keep himself alive? Keep his heart pumping. Fast. The movie starts on a high note and just gets higher. It's really something to admire when you hit the ground running and keep the tension pumping until the last very frame. It's action, action, and more action. Not needless, not extraneous--very important, life saving action. Shameless premise? Absolutely. But we need more shamelessness like this! It's a movie that never has to apologize, and even if it did, it'd prefer to spit in your face and call you a fag. And, whenever you think you're about to hit a slow point and take a breath, there's that dull thud of Chelios' heartbeat, reminding you that, when time is ticking, every beat counts. And it's time to break some skulls.

SNORT A LINE OF COCAINE EVERY TIME A BADASS CHARACTER IS INTRODUCED

Now for the list of awesomeness. For a movie filled with some of the craziest fuckers you will ever meet, all the actors and actresses held their own and were perfect for each and every role. Jose Pablo Cantillo was perfect as the henchman with a short and explosive temper. Efren Ramirez worked it as the drag queen man-on-the-street, Kaylo. DRAG QUEEN. FUCKING AWESOME. Dwight Yoakam was a hilarious mad doctor, matched only by his Chocolate, Valarie Rae Miller. There was even some celeb-spotting--credited as "Hatian Cabbie" was the black man from X-Men: First Class (wonder why he died first...?). The thing is, at the end of the day, every actor seems to accept this movie for exactly what it is--a campy ass fun fucking time--and they embrace the spirit of that with their characters. Their crazy, crazy fucking characters.

Of course, the is leaving out the best character of them all. Chev Chelios himself. The dude is a fucking superhero. An action hero. A most epic character among epic characters. Let's look at the facts: he's a hit-man with a soft spot for his girl, but he harbors sadomasochistic tendencies even when he's not hopped up on "The Chinese Shit" and he's guaranteed to fuck everyone up, including himself. He's a straight up MOTHERFUCKING BADASS. Chev Chelios has that act-first-think-later attitude that we love in James Bond, but instead of being suave about it, he's crass and brutal. What it comes down to is this: Chev Chelios' biggest obstacle is Chev Chelios. Oh. And The Chinese Shit. 

STICK YOUR HAND IN A TOASTER EVERY TIME EVE DOES SOMETHING ADORABLE

No, not that kind of toaster, you dirty, geeky bastard. Though Caprica Six is about just as deadly. Moving right along...just when you think I couldn't get more excited about this movie, it happened. Eve. Anyone who's even skimmed this blog will know I have a bit of a fetish for rough and tumble women with guns. Eve is on the exact opposite side of that spectrum. She's the eye-candy, the pretty little thing that runs around with her purse and her squeals all blonde and boobs. An action movie essential. Get it? Got it? Good. 

Except there's more to Eve than that. The thing is, she's an actual character. I think the brilliance of Eve has to be credited partly to the script and partly to Amy Smart, who absolutely owns the role. I'll spell it out for you: in action movies, we have two types, the overcompensating (but always appreciated) butch badass, or the girly girly who hops from one tit to the other and doesn't do diddly. Eve rests somewhere in between. Granted, she doesn't wield the gun in the relationship--she leaves that all to Chev. But she's not a helpless woman. And therein lies the distinction: even though Eve is femme as hell, she not only takes care of herself, but also her man. She's the rhyme and reason behind Chelios, the driving force to why he does everything he does. He's got the muscle and the badassitry, but when she tells him to fix the clock on the microwave, boy best fix the clock on the microwave. Seriously, hats off to the script writers for writing one extremely fucking rare believable romance. Which, in turn, makes Eve one badass bitch. Their chemistry is great, their relationship feels genuine, and I'm with them every step of the way. Really, Nicolas Sparks has a thing or two to learn about adrenaline junkies and their hoes. 

INJECT YOURSELF WITH SOMETHING-THAT-STARTS-WITH-E EVERY TIME A NEW STYLE COMES UP

Here's the think--Crank is a really stylized movie. But in a good way. This is the epitome of some art in an action film. On the flip side, we've got movies like Drive, that are some action in an art film (I enjoyed the movie, I swear, I just also have a shit ton of fun making fun of it). The point is, there is a fine line, and Crank balances it perfectly. We've got our crazy fucking action, but it also happens to be blended perfectly with little bouts of comic-book-esque style. It adds to the heightened sense of ridiculousness and just makes the movie that much more awesome. 

STICK UP A HOSPITAL EVERY TIME CHELIOS EXPLAINS WHAT'S GOING ON

In certain movies, especially ones with convoluted plots, the main character will have to repeat the plot over and over to various minor characters, just to let everyone know what the fuck's going in. Crank had Chelios explain his heart issues over and over again. Why? Not because it's complicated. Not because the audience has a hard time wrapping their heads around it. No, every time Chelios has a little exposition scene, the writers are bragging. They're motherfucking bragging. Why? BECAUSE IT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE COME UP WITH THIS PREMISE SOONER? WHY IS THERE BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY EAR--?

JUMP OUT OF A HELICOPTER EVERY TIME CHELIOS JUMPS OUT OF A HELICOPTER

Naturally, this is one you only have to do once. Be sure to watch out for wind interference while trying to make a phone call.