Feast On This.

BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997)

Bromance is in the air.

So I didn't really want to see this movie. I didn't. I thought this was going to be a stupid movie about Mark Walhberg's dick. I was wrong. It's an excellent movie about Mark Walhberg's dick. If you've seen Boogie Nights, you know why 13 is an important number. If you haven't, I'm not going to elaborate. And so I give you 13 inches reasons why Boogie Nights is the most badass fucking movie I've seen in a long time.

1. Dirk and Reed's bromance. I've gotta say, out of all the things I enjoyed in this movie, there was little I enjoyed more than the bromance that existed between Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothchild. Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly have amazing chemistry, and their back and forth banter really makes you fall in love with the characters easily. So Reed may not be the splitting image of Han Solo, but they can play like children and spend hours one-upping each other. Yet despite the constant competition, you always get the feeling that they've got each other's back, and it makes for a solid bromance. 

2. Mark Wahlberg's...face. I bet you thought I was going to devote one of these numbers to another attribute of Mark Wahlberg's, didn't you? Wrong. Did I mention I'm a lesbian? But in all honesty, it makes me jealous and I don't want to talk about it Wahlberg's subtle expressions really renewed my faith completely in his acting skills. I'm speaking, of course, about the last chapter, "Long Way Down (One Last Thing)", in which Dirk, Reed, and Todd find themselves trapped in a drug lord's den. And the camera stays on Mark Wahlberg's face. For a good fifty seconds. Exactly. I counted. And in those fifty seconds, we see a complete shift in Dirk's character. A wordless, effortless self-realization of where he is, who he is, of the fact that he's hit rock bottom. It's a compliment to the director, the script, and the actor that they had enough faith in themselves and in the audience to have the turning point of the movie rely entirely on this charged yet utterly subtle moment. Aaaand I'm done gushing.

3. Little Bill's demise. It's one of those scenes you just watch, feeling the tension grow, knowing what's going to come next but not quite believing it, and then finally--BAM. And all you can think is, "Fuck, why couldn't I have written that?"

4. The characters. We actually gave a crap about them. Is the movie long? It's two and a half hours and knows it. But it's a character epic. Every character is fleshed out, important, and has his or her own story. There are no sloppy extras, no stand ins. Everyone feels like they have a purpose, which makes the world feel very real.

5. The chicks. What's great about this movie? It's about the porn industry, and yet none of these women come off as "the victim". We don't have any of that stereotypical "paying my way through college" bullshit. All these characters are here because they have a real reason to be here, they all want to be in the industry--whether that desire is a masochistic one or not. Which in turn means that we don't get any women who are victims of circumstance and therefore think they're badass because they're crass and bitter. Instead, we get women who actually take control of their sexuality, which empowers them way more than any sulking pity party would.

Amber (Julianne Moore) could have been a helpless character. While she is a tragic character and definitely has a lot of drama in her life, she's never pathetic--we see her constantly making her own choices and trying to make control of her own life. Rollergirl (AKA: the best thing Heather Graham has ever done with her life) takes control by actually enjoying her job. She respects herself, respects her lifestyle, and will stomp you in the face with her roller-skates of fucking doom if you dare disrespect her. Both lead women are powerful characters, and amazing as fuck actresses. 

6. The dicks. The guys in this movie are just as great as the chicks. Sex is a big part of their lives, but not all of it--they've got their own complexes going on. Dirk Diggler just wants to be famous. Jack Horner (Burt Reynolds) just wants to make a good movie. Buck Swope (Don Cheadle) just wants to open his own records store. Little Bill (William H. Macy) just wishes his wife would stop sleep around. Scotty (is that...Philip Seymour Hoffman?) just wants to be loved. They're all great, lovable characters. And the acting. William H. Macy (AKA: "my fucking wife has an ass in her cock") can be my sperm donor. So can Don Cheadle. Fuck it, anyone in this movie. I can find fault with none of them. Between the script and the acting, this long ass movie has you enjoying every long ass minute. 

7. Reed's poem. Everything about Reed is amazing. Porn star, magician, poet. I give you...an original work of art by Reed Rothchild. 

I love you, you love me. Going down the sugar tree. We'll go down the sugar tree, and see lots of bees: playing, playing. But the bees won't sting, because you love me.

Can you tell this movie renewed my respect for John C. Reilly and his comic timing?

8. Porn. Porn in the 70s/80s. It was actually that ridiculous. Dirk Diggler was for the most part based off an early porn star known as John Holmes. And let me just say that if you thought that fake-dialog from movie was bad, it was nothing compared to the amazing awfulness that John Holmes worked with. He shows his lady a picture of his mother. He mourns a future life with 30-40 cats. And he cries. No worries, the clip below is completely work and grandmother friendly, though you may find yourself compulsively touching your funny bone. 

9. The sex. Reason number one why this is a badass movie. Boobies. So maybe it doesn't have as much sex as Shame (2011), but it has its raunchy bits and it uses them well. For a movie about the porn industry, there actually isn't as much sex as you'd probably expect. Nonetheless, the moments they do have hot and steamy bits are used well, and help the plot along. By which I mean, Julianne Moore is really smokin' hot. On the flip side, there are other sex scenes which will not turn you on. Scenes that will give you that sick, ugly feeling in your gut when the characters spiral downhill. Which, really, is just as good.

10. The drugs. Reason number two why this is a badass movie. Welcome to the 80s. Welcome to blow. Gratuitous white powder, angry drug lords, and strung out porn stars. 

11. The rocknroll. Reason number three why this is a badass movie. 99 Luftballoons. I don't know what the fuck this chick's saying, but it's the shit. The soundtrack is great, I dig it. 

12. The silence. Which builds something called suspense. The more you linger on a scene, the more invested the audience becomes in finding out what happens next. Simple as that. Why didn't P. T. ever do any horror movies?

13. The premise. It's genius. An epic about Marky Mark's dick. By setting the bar so low with a seemingly ridiculous plot that couldn't possibly take itself seriously, the movie subtly sucks you in and makes you fall for every one of the characters. It's just one of those rare examples of a brilliant concept, a brilliant script, a brilliant cast, and a brilliant prosthetic limb all coming together.

If you haven't seen this movie, give yourself an early Christmas present and check it out.

The Pride Of Lowell.

THE FIGHTER (2010)

Finally got around to seeing it. Because I'm a cheapskate who wouldn't shell out for theater tickets. My rule of thumb these days seems to be if it doesn't have large explosions and/or vast, imaginative worlds, it can wait for rental. And so The Fighter collected a bit of dust until I finally got around to seeing it. It didn't help that it's a boxing movie. I have some sort of weird aversion to boxing movies. The funny thing is, it's not the fighting that turns me off. Clearly, I'm a sucker for a little good bloody fun. What turns me off is that gritty hyper-realistic dramatic feel that they all seem to have. In the same way I refuse to watch a slasher flick filmed entirely in "oh, look at us, we're decaying and rotten" blue-green filter, I have to be in a very certain mood to stomach that "handheld camera gritty" style most boxing movies seem to adopt. So call me a movie snob. But when it comes down to it, movies are all about the art of eyecandy, and when something rubs my vision the wrong way, I ain't gonna be racing to the theaters to catch it.

Needless to say, the beginning turned me off. Not only is it a "gritty boxing movie", they start it off in this reality TV show style. Which is eyevomit in my opinion. But I'm just not a reality TV person at all. And when I see a movie, I want to see something that looks good, not something with a high budget doing its best to look low budget (exceptions to this rule being super stylized movies, like Grindhouse). But. For all my bitching, after a bit, I finally settled into the skin of the movie. The "home video" thing grew on me after a bit, and I'll admit it definitely added a sense of reality to the whole thing. And I'll say this: for me, the movie didn't start until we realized what exactly Dicky's reality show was about. Then things started getting interesting. It was no longer a movie about the boxing legend Micky Ward--instead, it clearly dug its heels in as a movie that was going to revolve around the characters and their very human struggles.

Speaking of Micky and Dicky. Best bromance ever. The center of this film really isn't Micky, or Dicky, or the crazy bitches that surround the world they live it. It's about the bromance these two brothers have. And let me tell you, they've got a great chemistry. Out of all the characters in the film, they're the only ones that seem to have anything really genuine going on between them. I think this is partly praise on the writing and partly praise on the acting. Every other character relationships is strained--with the mother, it's all about how she's their "manager", and their various sisters just seem to serve her as little hellish minions. On the other hand, there's Charlene, who you like at first, and maybe if you're not me you continue liking her, but in my opinion she comes out to be a bit of a tool at the end.

I'd rather fist fight Micky any day.

And then there's Micky and Dicky. Christian Bale manages to draw a lot of brilliant, subtle little details in Dicky's skin--we have his larger than life character, and then we have the way his brother tames him. He instantly calms whenever he's around Micky, dropping the "big man" act and just being genuinely himself. His love and loyalty to his brother shine through in those moments. And then we've got Micky, who does something of the reverse effect. When he's around his brother, he actually opens his mouth. He talks to him. He even yells at him from time to time. He allows himself to get emotional and passionate. He feels safe to break out of his tight shell.

It's that tight shell of his that had me questioning Mark Wahlberg's acting skills the entire movie. I've known him mostly from The Departed and The Other Guys, both roles in which he played outrageous douchebags. This was something else. At first, I just thought he was so overshadowed by the other actors that Marky Mark wasn't really trying all that hard. But with a little benefit of the doubt and some wise words from Jose at Movies Kick Ass Blog, I rethought my stance. The thing is, Micky really is that lethargic. He's closed in, he keeps everything tight to his chest, he's an extremely introverted character.

Lastly, the oscars were deserved. Christian Bale put his heart, soul, and stomach in this role. Really. Someone give this man a role where he's an overweight couch potato. Between this and The Machinist (more on that soon!), I need to see someone give this man a hamburger. And mama was a raving bitch. Really, Melissa Leo deserves that oscar just because I hated every second of her. She was brilliant in 21 Grams, and she returned to the screen to be brilliant in this one, so I say more power to her. She's a heck of a woman, that's for sure. And when you put the two of them together...they were definitely great. But maybe I'm just saying that because watching Christian Bale leap out the window into a trash can to avoid the wrath of his mother was just about the highlight of the movie for me.

"When You Have To Shoot, Shoot. Don't Talk."

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY (1966)

Image from pafterb.blogspot.com

You know the symptoms. Someone you know comes up to you and says, "Oh my god, I saw [insert movie] last night, and it was LEGENDARY." So you make a note to put it on your list. But then you come across your pretentious coworker who berates you for never seeing [insert movie] and threatens you to watch it or suffer pain of death. So you tell them you'll see it. And then, just when you casually mention that you've finally downloaded it (legally, of course. Er.), your friend who can mouth all the lines to [insert movie] insists on seeing it with you. Well. By this point, you're just plain fucking sick of hearing of it.

Such is the story of Me Vs. The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly (1966). I knew it was a classic. I knew it would be extraordinary. I knew it was one of those movies everyone claimed to love, even if just out of principal. I knew it was Tarantino's all time favorite. Despite all that--it did something that took me completely by surprised. It lived up to its hype. Ten times over. I know I should be working by example and using reverse psychology--telling you just what complete crap this movie is so the margin of people who are stubborn two year olds like will actually see it. All I can say is this: I've been there, I've done that, and the petty pride is not worth depriving yourself of this epic masterpiece. And without further ado...The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

THE GOOD

"I've never seen so many men wasted so badly."

The Character: If you're anything like me, you hear a character defined as "The Good" and you flinch. Instantly, I'm waiting for John Wayne to swagger up, flanked by Captain America wielding his red, white, and blue shield and warm apple pie for Little Timmy. Which just goes to show how much I know about Sergio Leone. The thing that attracts me most to this movie is Leone's bold and unapologetic commentary on human morality. Despite the simplistic titles each character is given, the characters themselves are far from easy to pin down. Clint Eastwood plays "Blondie", aka "The Good", who just so happens to make his living by conning people out of their reward money by pretending to capture wanted criminals only to help them escape after he's got the green in his hand.

Alright. So far, not so good. But, to be fair, he's just about as good as good gets in the wild west. He sneers at criminals, he sees his deals to the end,  and he's honest. He's "the moral one". Ironically enough, it's because he's so "good" that he's actually one of the more unlikable characters in the film. And it has nothing to do with him being a goodie-two-shoes, because he's not. It has to do with the fact that he's the stubbornly moral character stuck in an immoral world, and frankly, we're rooting on the bad guys in this one. In fact, his saving grace for the audience is the fact that he holds such disdain for "crooked" characters, and therefore often comes off as a big dickwad. What it comes down to is a simple blaring contradiction: in order to be "the good guy", he has to be a loner, he can't get emotionally attached to the devious characters he attracts, despite the travels they go through and the brotherhood that they form. Because he's incapable of really bonding with the other characters in the movie, he comes off as cold and even callous--even if we still love him for his warrior-like devotion to his own moral code. Clint Eastwood, of course, blows the role out of the park, with his "blondie" good looks, marred by an unfortunate desert incident, and his cool swagger.

The Movie: As for the movie itself. It's so fucking epic, it's hard to actually pinpoint what to compliment. And when I say epic, I don't mean it in that bro "whoa, that wheely was way epic, dude" way. I mean War and Peace EPIC. It's a long movie, sure, but the journey we go through with these characters--their relationships, their traumas, their brotherhood--it's human. And you care deeply about each and every one of the characters.

Credit where credit is due. Leone knows how to film a movie. It's rare that I'll compliment a movie stylistically like that, but. Each shot was fantastic, and so hyper-stylized it's hard to believe that this wasn't filmed in this decade. Lots of close up eye shots, for all your eye-fetishies. You know who you are.

The music is phenomenal. Ennio Morricone I recognized from countless Tarantino films, which I know is a bit of a backwards way to do it, but. C'est la vie. He has that type of instrumental music that really gets inside you like a good bong hit and invades your blood stream. It quickens the heart, draws you into the center of the action...just listening to it makes me want to jump on a horse and ride eighty miles through the Italian Western desert.

THE BAD

"But you know the pity is, when I'm paid, I always follow my job through. You know that."

The Character: Christoph Waltz, you've just met your match. Never has there been a smoother, more intimidating, and yet somehow sympathetic villain as "Angel Eyes" Sentenza. Just when you thought this movie couldn't get anymore morally ambiguous, Leone calls his villain "Angel Eyes". Be still, my heart. Sentenza is Bad. Fucking. Ass. He spends the first what feels like ten minutes of the movie simply walking into a man's house, sitting down across from him at his kitchen table, and slicing into his food. Never has "two men eating breakfast" been so tense. The best part about Sentenza? He's a near mirror of Blondie. He's gives off the vibe of a man who's just "doing his job". There's nothing inherently evil about Sentenza. He's not pure viciousness, and there's no real evidence that he gets any satisfaction from being sadistic. He just happens to have a job that involves killing people. So he's good at his job, so sue him. He's a dedicated, mean, lean, badass machine. Lee Van Cleef manages to balance the line between a completely terrifying and subtly human perfectly.  

The Movie: So the movie is long. A good three hours long. Suck it up, you ADD jackasses. Take some Ritalin if you have to. It's worth it. I know our generation is used to the good ol' instant gratification slam, bam, thank you, ma'am. However. The weight of the movie lies in the strength of the characters and the emotional journeys they go through. By the end of the movie, I knew them so well I asked Tuco to be the best man at my wedding. It was that kind of relationship.  I know, Leone has some scenes that just seem to be a couple men glaring at each other for about five minutes. But you know what, when it runs alongside Ennio Morricone's score, you really can't complain.

The one scene I will pick a small fight with was when Blondie and Tuco came across a civil war battle and try to disguise themselves as union soldiers. It was the one time I really directly felt the hand of the '60s in the film, a little war commentary seeping in there. It could've come right out Apocalypse Now (1979), honestly (even if Apocalypse Now is some 13 years later. You wanna fight about it?). The thing was, I was there with these characters throughout the whole movie. I didn't mind the length of the film because the action wasn't there simply to fill plot holes--everything that happened to these characters was character driven. If they ended up at a prisoner of war camp, it had less to do with the politics of the time and more to do with the fact that the characters where fucks ups who couldn't tell the Union and Confederacy apart (though, to be fair, desert dust is hell). But everything that happened to the movie came straight from the dynamics of the characters, and not from the writer's "hand of god". Here, I wasn't feeling it so much. We got introduced to Lt. Dan--I mean--"unnamed alcoholic Union Captain", who was supposed to be inspiring and...something. Maybe I'm being dense. Maybe I just didn't get it. But the thing was, it was the only time I felt Blondie and Tuco were just...randomly thrown into a situation. Frankly, I didn't care about the Captain. I just cared about Blondie and Tuco. I get that the scene under the bridge was important for the two characters and definitely a necessary and vital bit to the movie, but it was the whole scene itself that felt a little...out of place to me. But I could just be a picky bastard. Onward.

THE UGLY

"There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend: those with the rope around the neck, and the people who have the job of doing the cutting."

The Character: You would think that in a movie that has two characters labeled "The Good" and "The Bad", The Ugly would be the least of everyone's concerns. However, The Ugly steals the motherfucking show. Reason 341 why Leone is straight up genius. Eli Wallach plays Tuco, the Mexican bandit who will steal, cheat, and kill to get his way. He's dirty, he's malicious, he's ridiculous, and yet he's the most human character in the entire movie and (if you're me) the character you're really rooting for. In any other movie, he might serve as a bit of "comedic relief" or even the bit part villain. However, we get to know him as a man who's simply always living under the heels of everyone else, and squirms and claws and fights his way to get on top. He's merciless, greedy, repulsive--but there's more than that. There's a distinct sense of loneliness about good old Tuco--he aches for some sort of companionship, someone he can trust and call "brother". Even if, you know. He dragged so-called brother nearly 100 miles under the desert sun until his face was peeling off in chunks. But hakuna matata, right?

In many ways, there is something very "comedic relief"-esque about Tuco. He adds a certain amount of levity to the movie, which is much needed considering "The Good" and "The Bad" are such heavyhanded motherfuckers. Despite this, he's the one character who we really know anything about. He has a past, he has a brother that comes back to haunt him. He has some dramatic highs and lows--between losing his partner in crime, to tormenting him, to regaining him back. He's really the one who seems to have the most at stake when it comes to hunt for the buried gold. He's the one who goes through the most changes--from being the greedy loner to finally reaching out and finding a partnership in Blondie (a trust, we discover, that is not mutual. But then again, Tuco isn't exactly above scamming his own brothers either). And he's the one, at the end, who really gets the last word in all this (quite literally). And so, despite the fact that Angel Eyes and Blondie are such epic, intense characters--Tuco is the real human of the story, the one who somehow manages to balance both the "good" and the "bad".

The Movie: Unless you know Italian, there's a good chance the dubbing is going to bug the crap out of you. You get used to it after a while. But it's a Spaghetti Western, it is what it is. Take it or leave it. And I think they do a pretty fantastic job of getting the voices and mouths spot on, so. You know. You take what you can get. Also, if you can't stand that gritty 60s feel, well. It's what real people look like. Not glossed over with way too many special effects and all that photoshop crap.

Pwn, amigo.

In short...this movie is badass to the extreme. Now excuse me while I go rewatch it another ten times.

Is That Your Gun Or Are You Happy To See Me?

LOVE KILLS

Image from tvwarrior.blogspot.com

Ah, Valentines Day. A day of candy boxed chocolates, small fluffy stuffed animals, and red roses. A time to turn to your partner and spend all day reminding them that you love them. A time to watch Titanic (1997) with a box of kleenex tissues. A time to rent bad, Hallmark inspired movies written specifically to make a lot of money on one day of the year and then go ignored for another 364 days. Or, in some cases, Valentines Day is the day you finally decide to let your partner tag along on your top secret mission. It's the day you tell them to relax, you'll take care of cleaning up the corpses tonight. The day you tell them what you really think about them with a limited edition Hattori Hanzo sword. This is a list of the latter group of Valentines Day participants. Without further ado, my top five duos who kill as easily as they kiss.

Reason #245 Why The Brits Do It Better.

THE TAKE (2009)

Image from guardian.co.uk

So I'm cheating a little here. The Take (2009) isn't so much a movie as it is a four part miniseries which featured on the UK's Sky1. It's got the gangster intricacies of The Godfather (1972), but with a bonus of intense family sexual drama and Tom Hardy from Inception (2010). It runs a little something like this: Freddie (Tom Hardy) has just gotten out of prison and he's ready to get back into illegal action. Except this time, he's taking his unwitting cousin, the smart but too-loyal-for-his-own-good Jimmy (Shaun Evans), down with him.

Freddie is one hell of a character. He really is. First of all, he enters back into the real world after spending four years behind bars, and he doesn't play it safe. He doesn't settle in the bushes to take scope of how things have changed. Instead, he rips a hole into the neat, organized life of crime. Settling old vendettas, clashing against opposing mob factions, and killing his way to the top. And leaving Jimmy to sweep up the pieces. Where Freddie is the impulsive shoot-first-ask-question-never type, Jimmy is the brains of the business. He slowly moves up in rank and often works as a buffer between Freddie and their locked up boss, Ozzy (played by the ever talented Brian Cox). Which comes in handy when Freddie, you know. Kills a handful of "protected" people without a blink of his eyes.

Yes, it's all guns, drugs, and unfortunately sex for Freddie, which puts his wife, Jackie (Kierston Wareing from Fish Tank) through multiple jealous and paranoid fits of rage, cooled only by the liquid touch of the bottle to her lips. Jackie, who is just as volatile as her husband, somehow pulls herself together enough to take care of the four children Freddie barely brings himself to see (which gives their youngest son daddy issues with dire consequences). Lucky for Jackie, she has Maggie (Charlotte Riley), to look after her. Maggie, Jackie's little sister, Jimmy's fiancee, and the victim of Freddie's unwanted aggressive advances. It's an incestuous little circle they have, to say the least. Maggie proves to be the unspoken anchor of the family, taking care of her sister and giving Jimmy the confidence to pursue his own "career choices" (even if she doesn't quite agree with them...namely, the whole Freddie bit.)

Threatening promotional poster of awesome.

The performances are phenomenal. Tom Hardy, in short, is off the hook. You thought he was good in Inception (2010)? Oh no. Oho no. He's fantastic in this role. Playful enough that we want to like him, but with an uncontrolled psychopathic edge that leaves us wanting to run very quickly in the opposite direction. He reflects every one of this man's thousand different sides--sadistic, vulnerable, lonely, rebellious, humorous, protective, psycho-crazy. You name it, he's got it. Shaun Evans also pulls of an amazing performance, but can't help but be constantly muted in Tom Hardy's shadow. Which is the point of his character, so he pulls it off well. When Hardy is not on the screen, however, the girls steal the show. Charlotte Riley (who, funny enough, is currently engaged to Tom Hardy) is absolutely fantastic. I'm not sure where she's been all my life. But she nails some of the most utterly painful scenes in the movie and sinks them in to the hilt. Lastly, a mention to Brian Cox, who does the cold and calculated thing like a boss, and Kierston Wareing, who is still doing a good job convincing me she'd be a shit mother, yet somehow comes across as a very strong and sympathetic character by the end.

The reason I claim the Brits do it better is this: it has all the makings of something we've seen before. Gangsters. Estranged loyalties. Twisted "family" dynamics. The old killers slowly dying while the new ones crawl in with the taste of blood. However, this one story is simply crafted so bloody well (as they say). The story is intricate and rich with strain. We feel for every single one of these characters; no one is a saint, and no one is a sinner. Where at one point we'll love a certain character, in the next ten minutes we might find a reason to hate that character. They all do a complete 360, which is what I find most compelling about the story. But don't for a second mistake this for a slow-paced family drama. This is the brilliant part of it. The miniseries moves so damn fast, keeping the viewer on the edge, that once you're hooked in it's really hard to stop. It is, in the most basic sense, a gangster movie, and never forgets that. Yet the guns and drugs are somehow interwoven seamlessly with the character drama, which is what makes this show absolutely brilliant.

If you love gangsters, violence, and Tom Hardy, this is one you'll enjoy. However, if you love gangsters, violence, Tom Hardy, and extraordinarily complex characters, this is a must see. I will give one warning though, and that is that this series is not for the squeamish. The violence is both physical and sexual, and some of the deaths are...well. Just plain twisted. But they carry so much emotional weight, I promise it's worth it. Plus, this series pulls of an ending I've never seen any other gangster film even try to attempt. I'm just saying. Do we have any feminists in the house?

Kato And That Dude Who Makes Fart Jokes.

THE GREEN HORNET (2011)

Christoph Waltz does not approve. 

...Is more or less what the movie should've been called. If you're like me and went to this movie because you know nothing about the actually radio show/comic book The Green Hornet but you just wanted to see Christoph Waltz blow shit up, I'll give you the quick and dirty of it. Britt Reid (Seth Rogen) has major daddy issues (hey, at least he got it better than this guy. What is it with Tom Wilkinson and bad parenting?), which is fine until his old man kicks the bucket. So he goes putzing around for a bit, wishing he could do something useful with his life, when he comes across his dad's coffee maker mechanic, Kato. The two form a bond over being losers and decide to take control of their lives and become superheros--thus forming the identity of The Green Hornet and...Kato. Meanwhile, Britt Reid has to come to terms with inheriting his father's newspaper company and the responsibility that comes with it, while offing the bad guys in order to get to the king pin--Chudnofsky. 

Image from alanbobet.blogspot.com

My problem with the movie broils down to this. Chudnofsky, Christoph Waltz's character, carries around a two barreled gun. In theory, a two barreled gun is a good idea. You give it one squeeze of the trigger, and bam. Two opponents down in one blow. Great, right? Well, kinda. Except I'm thinking, you get behind that gun, where's your sight? Do you look down one barrel, aim, and hope the second bullet hits? Or do you aim for somewhere directly in between the targets and pray your bullet makes it there? What I'm trying to say is, simultaneously firing at two targets with one shot is a tricky task, and I'm sure with Seth Rogen's comedic gold on the left and the high action film budget on the right, the directors thought they'd hit both the action junkies and the collegehumor crowd in one blow. Weeell...not quite. 

It was a noble effort. I will say that. I don't think it's a crime to mix the action super hero addicts and the couch potato stoners. Just ask any superhero movie made in the 80s and 90s. Batman And Robin (1997)? Even Ghostbusters (1984) had a similar campy edge, even if they weren't superheros per se. Frankly, I think between Christian Bale's growly angst, Spiderman's "dark side", and now even Blondie Thor furrowing his brow in serious contemplation, it's about time we lifted the superhero genre with a much needed stop taking yourself so seriously injection. Give us something campy, something ridiculous! And, finally, The Green Hornet answered that call.

But the next step is actually pulling the comedic superhero action movie off, and there I think The Green Hornet came up short. This isn't to say I was stonefaced throughout the entire movie. It did pull some laughs--mainly from the banter between Britt Reid and Kato. Their petty, competitive little digs were nicely done, especially during their tiff about the Green Hornet gun. Seth Rogen's payback for shooting himself in the face was nicely done. But otherwise, the comedy just felt forced and out of place. And I'm still scratching my head as to why. I loved Pineapple Express (2008), written and directed by the same Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. And Pineapple Express was a great example of a comedy-action movie that also happened to be a stoner movie, and came out perfectly on all fronts.

Image from schmoozequeentv.blogspot.com

The only way I can come to terms with the non-grooviness of The Green Hornet is the fact that...well. It wasn't a ridiculous stoner movie. It was a high budget action film with some larger than life action scenes and some badass Kato karate. But most of all, it was a superhero film, and with a superhero film, there are certain things you want to feel: fear of the bad guy, the badassitry of the good guys, and the overall sense of justice being served. And I felt none of the above. The Green Hornet was a crybaby loser, Cudnofsky (who I'll get to in a second) wasn't taken seriously by anyone, and I definitely felt no justice being served. Except for the first fight right after he's severed the head of his father's statue. Besides that...they were basically killing a lot of people who didn't need to die? They were killing small time crooks who may have never killed anyone. Not rending them unconscious, not handing them to the cops, killing them. And they did the same with...just about everyone else. Which didn't make them seem like the villains. It made them the villains. Even the ways in which they put down the real villains of the movie seemed a little cruel and unnecessary. Having a hero movie where justice doesn't feel...justified...is like having a Samuel L. Jackson movie in which his only part is to read The Little Engine That Could to retarded kids. It just plain doesn't work.

Welcome to Hollywood, land of bad career choices.

Enough of that. On to the acting. Seth Rogen was Seth Rogen, love him or hate him. I happen to just like the fact that a normal looking big-boned fella can now act in roles such as playboy. I think Hollywood's starting to come a long way with its "hunky men" stereotype--believe it or not, girls like a guy for his personality. Now if only I could say the same about Hollywood's women. On the flip side, we have Cameron Diaz, or Lenore Case. I will give Lenore props in that she only dates the sidekick once and doesn't go all the way with either of the men in the movie. Nor does she seem interested in them. Good for her! But if you're going to make a woman "the brainiac" and want her to be a strong character, it'd be a good thing to, somewhere along writing the script, actually insert a personality. I understand that Seth Rogen is better with the bromance and not so much with the writing strong chicks, but someone give him a hand here.

And then there's Kato, played by Jay Chou. Me, being the non-comic book reading freak I am, immediately went to Cato, who just happened to be inspired by the Green Lantern's sidekick. Who knew? First, I'm going to say that the Kato in the trailers was way more badass than the Kato on screen (seriously, am I crazy, or was the plot in the trailers an entirely different movie?). With that, he was a really awesome character. Even if he got pushed around way more than he deserved. And, honestly, I didn't see any sparks flying with him and Britt Reid. The bromance wasn't really doing it for me. Mostly because Britt Reid was a major dick, and Kato deserved much better. His marshal arts were the bomb, his technology work was amazing, in fact, by the end of it I was kind of hoping he'd get the girl because at least then he'd be getting something out of this very one sided relationship.

Of course, I've saved the best for last. As you may or may not know, I was practically salivating when I learned Christoph Waltz was to be the villain in a superhero movie. Christoph Waltz + guns + over the top action? Sign me up. After all, he's the ultimate villain, how could they go wrong, right? What I did not except was the most inappropriate casting choice of all time. How do you cast Christoph Waltz as the pathetic and desperate for attention Chudnofsky/Bloodnofsky? I'll repeat myself: how do you cast the most charming and subtly frightening villain in recent years as the non-threatening, non-charismatic, washed up hasbeen? The logic just does NOT compute to me. With that said, I will add that Christoph Waltz, being, you know, the genius that he is, does pull his own weight to make the character believable. The man's a professional actors, and as painful as it is to watch him turn off the charm, he does it well. And what Waltz adds to the character is an amazing--and yes, frightening! For the love of god, you have an intimating character, play it up!--lack of compassion and complete and utter apathy towards human life. In fact, he quite enjoys killing, and he'll do it just to lighten his mood, thankyouverymuch.

Image from www.eatsleepgeek.com

To bring this to a close, the movie had a heck of a lot of potential, and I feel like most of it went down the drain. But I will give it this: it was a fun movie, it has laughs, it has decent action, you won't feel like shooting yourself in the foot after seeing it. Just don't expect an Academy Award on this one.

...One last thing. I will say this. For the gear heads out there? I may not know one car from the other, but I am aware that this film was packed with many sexy sports cars. About that big budget? 

"At The Crime Scene, LOL."

THE OTHER GUYS (2010)

Image from blog.timesunion.com

Alright, director Adam McKay. You win. I wasn't that big a fan of Anchorman (2004), even though the rest of the world seems to have loved it, and I didn't bother going to see Step Brothers (2008) because, again, not crazy about Adam McKay's work. Or Will Ferrell. Actually, there's something about Will Ferrell that just plain pisses me off. It's not personal, it's just an unwarranted vendetta I have going against his face. I see his face and I'm turned off to the movie all together. However. Saving grace. Mark Wahlberg. Ah, Mark Wahlberg. All it took was one viewing of Scorsese's film The Departed (2006) and I was hooked on him. It was that character--Staff Sgt. Dignam. In case you've forgotten who he is, you can refer here. In any case, he was a character hard not to fall in love with. So, imagine my pleasant surprise when I found the exact same character in another movie--Adam McKay's creation The Other Guys. Except instead of being Staff Sgt., he was pencil pusher Terry Hoitz with anger management issues, a surprisingly good ballet foot, and a restraining order. There is a God. 

Image from http://mimg.ugo.com/

The Other Guys follows Terry Hoitz and Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell), two police partners who spend most of their time behind the desk, filling out paperwork. While this is a more than satisfactory job for Allen, Terry can't stand being harassed by the so called "heros" of New York City and hungers to get his gun out and his hands dirty. In a classic bit of "be careful what you wish for", Allen unwittingly gets them involved in a major Ponzi Scheme-type case and they get in over their head. And that's the plot. Which, in a comedy or an action movie, is usually just about the least important part of the movie. On to the good stuff.

First, I have to say something about the genre of the movie. Yes, it's a comedy. We've got that much down. But it's also...just a good movie. It's not a string of one-liners haphazardly thrown together. It's got interesting characters we can relate to, a fleshed out plot, and...wait for it...some really badass action scenes. That's right. It makes a legitimately good action movie just on it's own. We have our hero characters, we have rival police partners, we have the bad guys. They've got an awesome fight scene in the office where Mark Walhberg slides down the table shooting up the office (to the sounds of the White Stripes "Icky Thump"...the music makes half the action, really. That goes for most action films in my opinion. Put a killer score to it...and I'm with you). There's a couple well placed car chase scenes, and another great moment when Terry and Allen go drinking. In short, it's a cop movie spoof, sure. But it's done clearly from someone who digs cop movies, and it shows. 

Will Ferrell, Steve Coogan, and Mark Wahlberg.

Another surprise this movie threw my way. I actually liked Will Ferrell. Yeah, I know, everyone's like "Oh, but Elf (2003) was really touching". I failed to see the heartwarming Christmas movie about Will Ferrall being a super tall cast out elf, so I wouldn't know. But in most everything else, he's one of those comedic actors that just rubs me the wrong way. His characters come off kind of arrogant and repulsive in a way I can't quite put my finger on. However, as Allen, his character is, for once, the soft and gentle one. He just wants to sit behind his desk and stay out of everyone's way. And he actually acted it really well. I was endeared. It helped that he had great chemistry with Mark Walhberg, and their characters balanced each other out well. Allen's calm and rational attitude worked well against Terry's violent outbursts, drug lord paranoia, and constant petty insecure hissy fits (which were magically tamed by Eva Mendes' fantastic rack). The best moments in the movie revolved around them bantering it out--and usually ended with spilt coffee, a destroyed FBI mug, or convoluted Miranda Rights.

Image from listal.

Well. Most of the best moments. Every other moment was stolen completely by Samuel L. Jackson. If it's not obvious, I think this man is the shit. And he was perfectly cast in this role. Why? Because the whole premise of the character revolved around the fact that the audience could believe that, no matter what he did, he would come out without a scratch on the other end. And, since he was Samuel L. Jackson, I was with them the entire way, I believed he could do anything. Which made the ultimate punch line for his character that much more rewarding. I didn't stop laughing about that one until about halfway through the movie.

The Other Guys has a great sense of humor, badass action sequences, and an excellent buddy-buddy dynamic. In short, it's kind of hard not to enjoy. In case you need a little more convincing, I give you this Animal Planet gem. Enjoy.

Shoot First, Sightsee Later.

IN BRUGES (2008)

Thank you Dublin.

If you, like I, long to go out to see some brilliant movies that are coming out such as Black Swan or something fun and stupid like Due Date, but are stuck in the bone-softening, temperature-sensitive, curl-up-under-the-blankets-and-hibernate winter mode, here's one to put on your list to watch from the warm comfort of your yule log. Martin McDonagh, the acclaimed Irish playwright of the black comedy The Pillowman (shout out to my theatre connoisseur girlfriend for that one), proves once again that Europe just knows how to do gangster flicks better with his sharp-whited crime film, In Bruges. Don't get me wrong, fellow Americans--we've got the explosives. We've got the quick, extensive, choreographed fight scenes. We've got the mafia. But what we don't have is that gritty, harsh, sarcastic sense of humor in the macabre that Europeans seem to nail on the head every time. The close attention to character, dramatic relationships, and--thank god--crisp dialogue is something that is extraordinarily rare in American action films, and yet In Bruges captures it all and gives us a damn entertaining film worth its weight in expletives.

Image from www.poptheology.com

Welcome to the sleepy, Hallmark town of Bruges, Belgium. The resting place of waffles, medieval architecture, and two hitmen laying low after a job to off a priest turns sour when a little boy gets caught in the crossfire. Ken (played by the always-brilliant Brendan Gleeson) babysits his partner, the guilt-ridden Ray (Colin Farrell), as the two simply do their best to keep their sanity as they wait for their boss to give them the green light to come home. The simple enough premise gets thorny when Ken is assigned to a task that goes against the grain of his moral obligations and Ray, meanwhile, vies for the attention of a drop-dead gorgeous drug pusher (Clemence Poesy) with lethal complications.

It's really hard to give an accurate description of this movie without sounding like I'm pandering to the pseudo-intellectuals in us. But the truth is--yes, if you enjoy symbolism, redemption and damnation, and lovely little cinematic molehills planted in the beginning of the film which spin into mountain-sized explosive payoffs--this is the movie for you. However, if you just want to sit back, kick up your feet, and liquidate your brain--this is also the movie for you. The entertainment value is not to be undermined, and while the literary lovefest of deeper meanings and subtle complexities is there--there is excessive cursing, there are drugs, there are midgets (or dwarfs) who hang off the arms of Amsterdam whores. In short, it is impossible not to love this movie.

Image from the Guardian.

I may not be the biggest Colin Farrell fan (hey, anyone remember that movie Alexander? No? My point exactly), but he tore the house down in this film. It's hard not to love Ray, with his childlike impatience and punch-first-apologize-later attitude, who simultaneously carries a heavy burden of guilt on his shoulders. He's silly, absurd, and heartbreaking all at once, and between McDonagh's purely brilliant dialogue and Farrell's ease with which he slips into Ray's skin, the performance is amazing (the judges thought so too--Farrell won a Golden Globe for best actor in a musical/comedy). As for his buddy Ken, Bredan Gleeson, no surprise here, pulls off another fantastic performance as the "stick in the mud" yet sensible one of the two. And then there's their boss, Harry: father, husband, and top-dog gangster. Is there anything Ralph Fiennes can't do? His comic timing is hilarious, and he plays the perfect "cunt". Lastly, a shout out to Clemence Poesy, who some may know as Fleur from Harry Potter, but who I know as the charming, man-eating pusher with a sadistic edge, and Jordan Prentice, who deserves many more roles than simply "the token midget" and proves you don't have to be "this tall" to be a great actor.

And so don't get up out of bed this winter season. You may have to be a retarded farmer to enjoy Bruges, but anyone who's anyone will be thoroughly entertained by In Bruges. I bet my santa hat on it.

"Fucking Females Is For Poofs."

LAYER CAKE (2004)

In the style of Guy Ritchie's earlier films (Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels), Layer Cake gives us our hero, Your Neighborhood Friendly Drug Dealer. Also known as XXX [character's name modified for the purposes of fulfilling movie watching]. I know what you're thinking. Goodfellas, Scarface, Pineapple Express. That dude Brad Pitt played in True Romance. No, no, no. XXX, portrayed by one of my favorites, Daniel Craig, is not like that at all. He's a down to earth modern day Odysseus with a suit and a stubborn attitude. Everything must be clean, clean, clean. He runs his business, nevermind that he'd dealing drugs. Business is business. He keeps his nose out of the dirt and lets everyone else do the heavy lifting political banter. In fact, he's even taking the high road and getting out while the gettin' is good. Yes indeed, life seems good for our friend XXX. Except for one problem. He's too good at his job to get out and now that he's trying to scram, he's making friends with all the wrong people. And he stumbles his way through the thick of it, losing ground fast into the sink hole of drugs, money, and guns while still trying to keep his face clean and his tie straight. 

Image from www.smh.com.au

I first saw this movie when rumors of Daniel Craig were just starting to filter in from that thing we call the internet. And I thought, Yeah, okay. I can see it. I like to think of this movie as the reason anyone might've thought he would make a good Bond. Because, let's face it. He's not your poster boy for smokin' hot (though he can give this lesbian a woody any day of the week). He's not particularly witty. And you have to pull a couple of teeth to get a good smile out of his permanently frowned mouth. But if Layer Cake does anything, it makes a 007 out of him. Only a 007 that does just about everything wrong, is hardly suave, and is extremely anal retentive yet somehow undeniably charming, loveable, and--wait for it--badass. 

Other worthy mentions in this movie go to his two cronies, Morty and Gene. Morty, played by George Harris (most commonly known these days as Kingsley Shacklebolt, AKA, Could He Be Anymore Stereotypically African?), is XXX's harder-than-stone partner in crime who's rejoined the gang after doing ten years jail time. He keeps his mouth shut and his blood temperature level for the most part, but when he explodes...you sure as hell better hope he's not going to go off on you. The fight scene (or should I say the beat-to-shit scene since the opposing party didn't have a chance to put up much of a fight) between him and the man who put him away is epic. The Brits do love their tea.

The second honorable mention goes to Gene, played by Colm Meaney, one of those actors who's been in...just about everything, but you still love him for it. Gene knows his guns like his cock and he's probably one of the more bona fide gangster types in the movie. And for a gangster movie, this one pokes a lot of fun at gangsters. On one hand, we have The Duke (Jamie Foreman), who's one of the most inept wanna be gangsters on the screen. Then we have Crazy Larry, who I wish they'd done a prequel of just so I could see Jason Flemyng's ridiculous hair for another two hours. Last but not least, a shout out to my boy Tom Hardy who went really quite fey, and XXX's love interest Tammy, who was played by Sienna Miller's ass and legs. 

AssAndLegs deserves an Oscar. 

All in all, I really do love this movie. It's entertaining, it's bloody with a sense of humor, it takes occasional risks with the style, and it has some top notch actors. Not to mention, it deals with all of the stuff that all the other gangster movies forgot to mention. Like the fact that most self-proclaimed gangsters are complete fuck ups, that killing a man actually does do some pretty shit things to your soul, and that the underdog does not always win.

Because I'm a bitcher, I will bitch about a thing or two, though. Number one, I've seen this movie multiple times and I'm still not crystal clear on what exactly happened in the plot. But I blame that on book to movie adaptations. And this is just me being a stupid American, but I definitely missed about a couple good sentences here and there due to the thick accents. I had to watch it with subtitles with my parents. But a complex plot and nonsensical talk is a trivial complaint when it comes to a movie as fun as this one is. Oo th'fock needs it anyways, eh?

Oh, and Daniel Craig's character? His name? Well, to figure that out, you'll have to see the--