Is That Your Gun Or Are You Happy To See Me?

LOVE KILLS

Image from tvwarrior.blogspot.com

Ah, Valentines Day. A day of candy boxed chocolates, small fluffy stuffed animals, and red roses. A time to turn to your partner and spend all day reminding them that you love them. A time to watch Titanic (1997) with a box of kleenex tissues. A time to rent bad, Hallmark inspired movies written specifically to make a lot of money on one day of the year and then go ignored for another 364 days. Or, in some cases, Valentines Day is the day you finally decide to let your partner tag along on your top secret mission. It's the day you tell them to relax, you'll take care of cleaning up the corpses tonight. The day you tell them what you really think about them with a limited edition Hattori Hanzo sword. This is a list of the latter group of Valentines Day participants. Without further ado, my top five duos who kill as easily as they kiss.

TOP FIVE ROMANCES

5. Nikita and Marco.

La Femme Nikita (1990)

I don't care who you are, if you find out your girlfriend is a professional assassin and you 1) never confront her with it and 2) stay with her, I'd say you're a keeper. Marco is clearly just in the movie to give Nikita some tension, so I have a feeling that the richness of their relationship can be attributed more to the actor (Jean-Hugues Anglade) than to the actual script itself. Sure, his character is occasionally a little annoying since he's not half as badass as Nikita, but his unwavering love for her must be commended. 

4. Thelma Jimmy and Louise.

Thelma And Louise (1991)

As much as I would love to see Thelma and Louise go at it in the back of their '66 Thunderbird, I couldn't help but fall for Jimmy. Louise was such a strong, complex character in her own right, I could see how it would be hard to find a man who could be a proper match. Well. Need look no farther than Michael Madsen. He's the ultimate bad boy with a heart of gold. He had a bit of a violent edge, and often to the point of it being uncomfortable (that turning over of the hotel room table was completely Madsen's own initiative). Not to mention, there's something just crass about him in general--I don't really know any other man who could get away with a passive aggressive "well, you didn't see that one comin', did ya?" for a marriage proposal. Despite that, we still get the feeling that he truly does care about Louise, and they have something genuine about their relationship that most movie romances lack.

3. Cherry Darling and El Wray.

Grindhouse: Planet Terror (2007)

Talk about a power couple. Planet Terror is very inventive for a number of reasons, but one that I (unsurprisingly) enjoy most is the way the movie treats its female characters. Where it would be easy for go-go dancer Cherry Darling to pale in the shadow of the hero of the movie, El Wray, she ultimately comes out as one of the strongest characters in the film. And together, well. Their chemistry quite literally burns up the screen. Plus, they have a rocky past which you can feel very easily in the way these characters react with one another, and it gives their relationship a very organic feeling, even in an otherwise over the top and outlandish movie.

2. Bill and The Bride.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003) and Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)

I struggled very hard with my conscience not to squeeze these two into the number one spot. But make no doubt about it, just because they're runner ups doesn't make them any less badass. I mean, a bloodbath of epic proportions went down all over Bill's scorned heart and The Bride's itch for revenge. The tenderness, the genuine ache for companionship, and the piles of mutilated corpses they trailed in their wake. Does it get any more romantic than that? I think not.

1. Mickey and Mallory Knox.

Natural Born Killers (1994)

Really, what can I say about these two? Except that they're possibly the most lethal romance in the history of romances. On one side, Mallory (Juliette Lewis), the sexually abused and merciless viper of a woman. On the other side, Mickey (Woody Harrelson), the vicious and brutal beast of a man. Apart, they're bad enough, but together? They're two badasses armed with nothing but a taste for blood and revenge against humanity. These two homicidal maniacs capture the world's imagination to the point where you can't help but root for them. Whether or not you want evil to prevail, anyone who's anyone has to admit that no matter what, their love for each other and their loyalty to each other is the one thing they never let go of. Well. That and their locked and loaded firearms.

Runner up: Seth and Kate in Dusk Till Dawn (1996), The Narrator and Marla Singer from Fight Club (1999), and of course Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese from The Terminator (1984).

Now. As lovely and mushy as all this romance stuff is, it's a little too straight edge for my taste. Plus, if you're like me, you don't watch action movies to see the leading man and lady fall madly in love. More often than not, the romantic angle in the boring, forced subplot of the action movie. If anything, you watch action films for the camaraderie, the banter, the brotherhood. Because there's nothing that says "Kodak bonding moment" like two guys hacking off the limbs of a corpse in a bathtub. So. Here's a continued tribute to the forgotten segment of Valentines Day: the bromances and sistamances.

TOP FIVE BROMANCES

1. Gay Perry and Harry Lockhart. 

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

'Nuff said. 

2. Tom, Soap, Eddie, and Bacon.

Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

It's called "tough love".

3. Mr. White and Mr. Orange.

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Because he took a bullet for him. And then...you know. Returned it.

4. Dale and Saul.

Pineapple Express (2008) 

They never said the face of true love was pretty.

5. Handsome Bob and One Two.

Rocknrolla (2008) 

What can I say? Guy Ritchie knows how to do buddy movies. Gangsters need love too.

Runner up: Everett, Pete, and Delmar from O Brother Where Art Thou? (2000). 

TOP FIVE SISTAMANCES

(is there a word for it?)

1. Thelma and Louise.

Thelma and Louise (1991)

Two of the most badass female action movie characters. Together to the end. 

2. Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly.

Chicago (2002)

Those scintillating sinners. 

3. The Angels.

Charlie's Angels (2000)

How could I say no?

4. The Bride and Oren Ishii

Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)

The compassion these two killers have for one another is gripping. Or maybe I just really want to see Lucy Liu get it on with another chick.

5. Zoe, Abernathy, Kim, and Lee.
Death Proof (2007)

A whole new reason to beware female drivers.

Runner up: The Babysitter Twins from Planet Terror (2007) and Machete (2010).

Happy Valentines Day, all. Spread the Hallmark cards love.