Hey, Kid. You Want A Toothpick?

DRIVE (2011)

Driver being a Beast.

If you're looking for anything other than an anti-Hollywood, slow, Danish movie complete with long silences and 80s music, you will be disappointed. However, if you accept all of the above, you will be more than happy with the result. Drive will not let you get away with an adrenaline-infused car chase, a short stop, and a larger-than-life explosion. Instead, Drive is one of those movies that straps you in shotgun and won't let you go even after the ride has come to a full and complete stop. 

Image from listal.

The thing is, it's less a movie about cars and more a movie about Driver (Ryan Gosling). Driver is a beast. A straight-up, violent, brutal beast of a man. And there lies the brilliance of the movie. It starts off with a stilted romance between Driver and Irene (Carey Mulligan). It's awkward. They can't have a single conversation without five minute lulls between every sentence. They spend a lot of time doing what I can only call "look into each other's eyes, smile, and fall in love". Falling asleep yet? I was. Until I came up with a theory. And I hope like hell it's right, because otherwise that's just a fuck ton of awkward screenwriting, and I've seen Bronson (2008), so I know Nicolas Winding Refn is better than that.

Here's the theory: being human is hard for Driver. He has to be deliberate about it. He has to think about his words, he has to force them out of it. But as soon as you put him in the driver's seat...as soon as you put a lethal weapon in his hand, he becomes something else entirely. A beast. Being a killer is natural to him. Suddenly his words are quick and intense, thick with conviction. He doesn't have to think, he doesn't hesitate or freeze up. He simply does. The best part is, it only takes two scenes for this to really sink into the hilt. The first is his abrupt "teeth down your throat" conversation, the other is when he kicks the man's head in in the elevator. Brilliant, subtle, but to the point.

75% of the movie.

With that, I would very much like to call this a brilliant movie about one man's humanity and wash my hands of it. Except there's still something nagging. And that's the girlfriend, Irene, played by Carey Mulligan. I've got no problem with Carey Mulligan personally, she's gorgeous, I approve. The one thing that bugs me is the fact that she's just as socially awkward as Driver. Which wouldn't be a problem...except for the fact that it undermines my whole fucking argument. What're we supposed to glean from the fact that she seems just as comfortable to sit in silence for five minutes and smile at him? Is she some secret Bride-style killer who has trouble being human too? I don't think so. Whatever's going on there, it blows a hole in my theory and rubs me the wrong way.

Inconsistency aside, everyone else in the movie is brilliant. Bryan Cranston pulls off a fantastically frantic Shannon, Oscar Isaac does a great recently ex-con yet extremely sympathetic Standard, Christina Hendricks is a hilarious double-crossing whore (some things never change), and Albert Brooks plays a terrifying mobster. And Ron Perlman. Where the hell has he been on my life? Doing voice-overs? Ah, no, man. You've got a face like the fucking Hulk--use it! He steals every seen he's in with his vulgar, impulsive mobster brother, Nino. Through the two brothers, and on Driver's part, we get a lot of excellent gore. The gore is always shocking and never apologetic, which is a compliment considering the fact that we've all been numbed when it comes to excessive gore. Yet, somehow, they've managed to bring that hitched-inhale back into a good slit wrist, so more props to them.

The last thing I will harp on this movie for is the fact that it doesn't do well with closing minor arcs. They throw in bits of things that should have so much potential--the battered race car, as the most infuriating example. The thing literally does not leave the garage. And then there was that scene where he's driving away from the pawn shop at full speed...and just happens to have a bad guy crawling up his tail. What's this? I thought Driver was the best man behind the wheel out there? Does he suddenly have a nemesis who can beat him at his own game? No, not really. The "Nemesis Driver" goes up in smoke two seconds later and we never see him again. Little things that could've been fleshed out instead turn out to be red herrings, which really just leaves me itching to get my hands on the script and fill in the blank spaces. 

Other than that, the complaints are minor. The music was a little jarring from time to time, and not always in a good way. In a half-the-theater-broke-into-laughter kind of way. But, as I said, accept that it's a European style movie relying heavily on inspiration from Scorsese's Taxi Driver (1976), strap in, and enjoy the ride. And don't be surprised if you come out with a hankering for Driver's scorpion jacket.

Fight Club Rule #6:

6. Brits always do it better, so do even try. AKA: Unless you're the first insane enough to drive a car through the North Pole, unless you try (and fail in style) to make a boat that floats, and unless you have The Stig, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. 

THIS

Explosions, near-death experiences, British hilarity.

NOT THIS

Two and a half bros.

BAMF Of The Week: Car Commercials

CAR COMMERCIALS

1970 Dodge Challenger AKA Vanishing Point FTW.

Yeah. I said it. Car commercials. Like the great mind Matty V., I felt like I had to do something dedicated to the wowness that was the Superbowl this year. Normally, I'm not that big of a football fanatic, but this time around I actually paid attention and was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. What I was NOT pleasantly surprised by was how hard the commercials sucked this year. Every other year, I was one of those people who flipped on the Superbowl, got all excited when it was time for commercials, and then went and entertained myself while the actual game was on. And this year, I've got to say, I was not impressed. 

However. If there's one section of advertisement that's preeeetty hard to fuck up, it's the car commercials. I know a few people who hate car commercials, and they're all in the feminine side of the race. Which is probably because car commercials are pure and utter testosterone. A good car commercial will:

1. Have little to nothing to do with the car.

2. Have a rock song with a heavy beat. 

3. Flash many random images at the viewer with the speed of a subliminal message. 

4. Include a naked woman, a car chase, and/or an explosion. 

Or you can just do what these guys did:

Kato And That Dude Who Makes Fart Jokes.

THE GREEN HORNET (2011)

Christoph Waltz does not approve. 

...Is more or less what the movie should've been called. If you're like me and went to this movie because you know nothing about the actually radio show/comic book The Green Hornet but you just wanted to see Christoph Waltz blow shit up, I'll give you the quick and dirty of it. Britt Reid (Seth Rogen) has major daddy issues (hey, at least he got it better than this guy. What is it with Tom Wilkinson and bad parenting?), which is fine until his old man kicks the bucket. So he goes putzing around for a bit, wishing he could do something useful with his life, when he comes across his dad's coffee maker mechanic, Kato. The two form a bond over being losers and decide to take control of their lives and become superheros--thus forming the identity of The Green Hornet and...Kato. Meanwhile, Britt Reid has to come to terms with inheriting his father's newspaper company and the responsibility that comes with it, while offing the bad guys in order to get to the king pin--Chudnofsky. 

Image from alanbobet.blogspot.com

My problem with the movie broils down to this. Chudnofsky, Christoph Waltz's character, carries around a two barreled gun. In theory, a two barreled gun is a good idea. You give it one squeeze of the trigger, and bam. Two opponents down in one blow. Great, right? Well, kinda. Except I'm thinking, you get behind that gun, where's your sight? Do you look down one barrel, aim, and hope the second bullet hits? Or do you aim for somewhere directly in between the targets and pray your bullet makes it there? What I'm trying to say is, simultaneously firing at two targets with one shot is a tricky task, and I'm sure with Seth Rogen's comedic gold on the left and the high action film budget on the right, the directors thought they'd hit both the action junkies and the collegehumor crowd in one blow. Weeell...not quite. 

It was a noble effort. I will say that. I don't think it's a crime to mix the action super hero addicts and the couch potato stoners. Just ask any superhero movie made in the 80s and 90s. Batman And Robin (1997)? Even Ghostbusters (1984) had a similar campy edge, even if they weren't superheros per se. Frankly, I think between Christian Bale's growly angst, Spiderman's "dark side", and now even Blondie Thor furrowing his brow in serious contemplation, it's about time we lifted the superhero genre with a much needed stop taking yourself so seriously injection. Give us something campy, something ridiculous! And, finally, The Green Hornet answered that call.

But the next step is actually pulling the comedic superhero action movie off, and there I think The Green Hornet came up short. This isn't to say I was stonefaced throughout the entire movie. It did pull some laughs--mainly from the banter between Britt Reid and Kato. Their petty, competitive little digs were nicely done, especially during their tiff about the Green Hornet gun. Seth Rogen's payback for shooting himself in the face was nicely done. But otherwise, the comedy just felt forced and out of place. And I'm still scratching my head as to why. I loved Pineapple Express (2008), written and directed by the same Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. And Pineapple Express was a great example of a comedy-action movie that also happened to be a stoner movie, and came out perfectly on all fronts.

Image from schmoozequeentv.blogspot.com

The only way I can come to terms with the non-grooviness of The Green Hornet is the fact that...well. It wasn't a ridiculous stoner movie. It was a high budget action film with some larger than life action scenes and some badass Kato karate. But most of all, it was a superhero film, and with a superhero film, there are certain things you want to feel: fear of the bad guy, the badassitry of the good guys, and the overall sense of justice being served. And I felt none of the above. The Green Hornet was a crybaby loser, Cudnofsky (who I'll get to in a second) wasn't taken seriously by anyone, and I definitely felt no justice being served. Except for the first fight right after he's severed the head of his father's statue. Besides that...they were basically killing a lot of people who didn't need to die? They were killing small time crooks who may have never killed anyone. Not rending them unconscious, not handing them to the cops, killing them. And they did the same with...just about everyone else. Which didn't make them seem like the villains. It made them the villains. Even the ways in which they put down the real villains of the movie seemed a little cruel and unnecessary. Having a hero movie where justice doesn't feel...justified...is like having a Samuel L. Jackson movie in which his only part is to read The Little Engine That Could to retarded kids. It just plain doesn't work.

Welcome to Hollywood, land of bad career choices.

Enough of that. On to the acting. Seth Rogen was Seth Rogen, love him or hate him. I happen to just like the fact that a normal looking big-boned fella can now act in roles such as playboy. I think Hollywood's starting to come a long way with its "hunky men" stereotype--believe it or not, girls like a guy for his personality. Now if only I could say the same about Hollywood's women. On the flip side, we have Cameron Diaz, or Lenore Case. I will give Lenore props in that she only dates the sidekick once and doesn't go all the way with either of the men in the movie. Nor does she seem interested in them. Good for her! But if you're going to make a woman "the brainiac" and want her to be a strong character, it'd be a good thing to, somewhere along writing the script, actually insert a personality. I understand that Seth Rogen is better with the bromance and not so much with the writing strong chicks, but someone give him a hand here.

And then there's Kato, played by Jay Chou. Me, being the non-comic book reading freak I am, immediately went to Cato, who just happened to be inspired by the Green Lantern's sidekick. Who knew? First, I'm going to say that the Kato in the trailers was way more badass than the Kato on screen (seriously, am I crazy, or was the plot in the trailers an entirely different movie?). With that, he was a really awesome character. Even if he got pushed around way more than he deserved. And, honestly, I didn't see any sparks flying with him and Britt Reid. The bromance wasn't really doing it for me. Mostly because Britt Reid was a major dick, and Kato deserved much better. His marshal arts were the bomb, his technology work was amazing, in fact, by the end of it I was kind of hoping he'd get the girl because at least then he'd be getting something out of this very one sided relationship.

Of course, I've saved the best for last. As you may or may not know, I was practically salivating when I learned Christoph Waltz was to be the villain in a superhero movie. Christoph Waltz + guns + over the top action? Sign me up. After all, he's the ultimate villain, how could they go wrong, right? What I did not except was the most inappropriate casting choice of all time. How do you cast Christoph Waltz as the pathetic and desperate for attention Chudnofsky/Bloodnofsky? I'll repeat myself: how do you cast the most charming and subtly frightening villain in recent years as the non-threatening, non-charismatic, washed up hasbeen? The logic just does NOT compute to me. With that said, I will add that Christoph Waltz, being, you know, the genius that he is, does pull his own weight to make the character believable. The man's a professional actors, and as painful as it is to watch him turn off the charm, he does it well. And what Waltz adds to the character is an amazing--and yes, frightening! For the love of god, you have an intimating character, play it up!--lack of compassion and complete and utter apathy towards human life. In fact, he quite enjoys killing, and he'll do it just to lighten his mood, thankyouverymuch.

Image from www.eatsleepgeek.com

To bring this to a close, the movie had a heck of a lot of potential, and I feel like most of it went down the drain. But I will give it this: it was a fun movie, it has laughs, it has decent action, you won't feel like shooting yourself in the foot after seeing it. Just don't expect an Academy Award on this one.

...One last thing. I will say this. For the gear heads out there? I may not know one car from the other, but I am aware that this film was packed with many sexy sports cars. About that big budget?