BAMF Of The Week: Noomi Rapace

NOOMI RAPACE
"I'm interested in people's darker side."

It's really no secret that I want to have all of Noomi Rapace's babies. But this is coming from a woman who harbors an unhealthy lust for Uma Thurman, so I have a bit of a sweet tooth for women with guns. The thing about Noomi Rapace is she's not your average pretty woman. She's got that harsh Swedish thing going on, that whole "fuck you, I'm a woman in control of my destiny" vibe, which in Hollywood terms means she might as well have leprosy. Still, she's shaken off her Swedish skin and has been very quickly climbing the ladder of American cinema, purely on account of the fact that she just exudes badassitry. And that is something you've really got to give an actress props for. There are very few women who can hold their own in Hollywood without playing the damsel in distress every other film (and by "very few women", I really mean just one), but Rapace seems to really be digging her heels into mainstream movies and landing great roles. So maybe Hollywood will chew her up and spit her out in a couple years, so while this trend of badassitry is climbing high for her, I'm going to enjoy it while I can. 

Best films: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009), Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows (2011).

Worst films: To my knowledge, none, yet. Granted, I haven't checked out any of her Swedish films, because...you know. AMERICA! But if anyone knows if any of them are good, toss them my way.

Best moments: "I'M A SADISTIC PIG AND A RAPIST."

Upcoming films: She landed a leading role alongside Michael Fassbender in Ridley's Scott's Prometheus (2012). Has there ever been so much badassitry in one sentence?

2011 In Review.

2011: In Review

Image from stardusttrailers.com.

It's that time again. Time to wrap up the year with a bundle of theater tickets and see which $12.50 I regretted spending the most. I've got to say, where last year felt mostly like a very steep roller coaster with some movies reaching high portions of epicness while others threw me under the bus, 2011 was a bit of a relief. Despite most of the crap 3D churned out, overall I'd say it was a pretty even keel year. Some good shit, some bad shit, end of story. Nothing that completely mindfucked me into oblivion, and I'd probably be hard pressed to call any of these movies "classics". Still, I feel like I got a lot of nice, feel good movies that I'll find myself watching over and over again in the years to come, which is really more than I could ask for. With that, drum roll please...

What's not to love?

BEST OF 2011:
*Hanna.
Best movie of 2011.
So Hanna now seems miles away, having come out at the very start of the year, but I've got to say, despite all the great films that popped up over the course of 2011, still nothing could top this. Great action, great music, great acting, great, simple plot. Great little girl badass. I'm sold. It's really fucking hard to do better than Saoirse Ronan kicking the shit out of everyone who stands in her way.

*X-Men: First Class.

Best gay sex of 2011.

It's like Brokeback Mountain. But with funny hats. Wait. Still like Brokeback Mountain. Anyway, by far one of the best X-Men films out there (if not the). A fucking great origins story, which is especially refreshing after Wolverine did some shit so nonsensical that even he didn't want to remember it. Fassbender (who seems to have stolen this year out from under everyone's nose) and McAvoy did a brilliant job with their characters and with their bromance. Best of all? The script was airtight. It was just good, clean fun. And very, very gay.

*Cowboys & Aliens.

Best cowboys of 2011.

Best aliens of 2011.

It was just a good movie. Straight up. Everything that it set out to do with a title like Cowboys & Aliens, it did. Somewhere along the line, someone figured out if you just give your movie an easy title like Hot Tub Time Machine, everyone knows what they're getting into and no one's disappointed. This was my Hot Tub Time Machine of the year. I got exactly what I wanted--Harrison Ford strutting atop his horse, aliens with terrifying stomach hands, and best of all, an excuse to dyke-it-out and wear chaps for Halloween.

Super 8.

Best anti-drug PSA of 2011.

Basically, it's the year of the kickass little people heroes. And no one does little people heroes quite like Steven Spielberg. I mean, J.J. Abrams. Sorry, who wrote this movie again? Tomatoes, tomahtoes. Either way, it was just a fun alien movie. Like Cowboys & Aliens but...you know. Nice aliens. I'll rephrase: nice aliens who don't share Olivia Wilde's brand of creepy face.

Warrior.

Best "I''m not crying, I've just got something in my eye" of 2011.

I've got a soft stop for Tom Hardy, I'm not gonna lie. And this movie just confirmed my instincts. If The Fighter hadn't sucked up everyone's interest in ring fighting for the next couple years, this one would've done it. It was rough and tumble, but with a good deal of heart. 

And by devil I mean her legs.

Drive.

Best hammer of 2011.

Here's the thing. I wasn't half as crazy about Drive as most people were. I don't think it's particularly the movie of the century. But movie of the year? Yeah, I can give it that. Might not top everything that is badass in Hanna, but it's a good, solid film. Ryan Gosling certainly gave Michael Fassbender a run for his money this year as one or the other seemed to show up in every movie poster. 

Drive Angry.

Best devil of 2011.

I need to write up a review for this movie. Need to, need to, need to. But let's face it. This movie would've been good if it had just been William Fichtner disappearing and reappearing in random places, spouting caustic one-liners and performing deeds of massive badassitry. Oh wait--that is what this movie is? I'M THERE! And Amber Heard is a lesbian. So really. Really. There is nothing for me NOT to like. 

Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
Best "that was fun, let's do it again!" of 2011.
Was it as good as the Swedish version? Maybe not. But it had a lot going for it--acting wise, direction wise, script wise. Overall, a solid, good movie on it's own. Too bad it has a equally pretty sister. But who said anything about choosing when you can have them both?

BLEH OF 2011:
Let's start with the positives. There were a couple good surprises this year, and I always approve of a little mindfuckery. The movies that really caught me off guard with their awesome included Red State, which just happened to be even more brilliant than it promised. Then there was Thor, also known as the best other hammer of the year. Maybe not a great superhero movie, but hell, it was a great comedy. Someone clearly just stacked it in the wrong shelf. And for the most surprising surprise yet, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes? Awesome. Who knew? Not me.

Draco Malfoy playing...Draco Malfoy.

Next up, those movies that were just...you know. Good. Worth the watch. Contagion was good in a sort of "this is a good movie but takes itself too seriously for me to watch more than once" kind of way. 30 Minutes Or Less appealed to both the audience member in me who likes to watch things blow up and enjoys Danny McBrides's crazy tomfoolery. Horrible Bosses was amusing in it's own way, and that way was namely referred to as Jason Bateman's comic timing. I think Captain America: The First Avenger was good, but I was also pretty stoned at the time so it's really hard to say. And Sherlock Holmes had even more gay sex that X-Men, which is saying a lot, so even though the plot was shoddy I forgave it for the bromance.

Lastly, there were the movies that...were just okay. Movies that had good spots and bad spots, but to me were...just fun movies. To every one else, they seemed to have polarizing effect--you loved it or you hated it. Me? Eh. It wasn't total shit, but it wasn't movie of the year either. Those two movies for me were The Hangover Pt II and Sucker Punch. Love it or leave it. I'll leave both, but won't regret seeing them either.

WORST OF 2011:
And now for the best part. The most fun you'll have out of the theaters all year...

This is how an acting career dies.

Priest.
Biggest dick slap in the face of 2011.
Sucked balls. Sucked major balls. I cannot even begin to tell you how many balls it sucked. Spoiler alert: lots of them.

The Green Hornet.
Greenest movie of 2011.
A superhero movie. With cool gadgets. And Christoph Waltz. Sounds promising, right? Well, that's what I thought too. Until I saw it. And it was like someone had taken a large, green, 3D crap on the screen. Yeah. Not so much fun.

Apollo 18.
Best comedy of 2011.
I'm going to own up to something. I snuck into this one, I caught the last half of it, and I'm fucking glad I didn't have to suffer through the first half. There was no bromance, nothing interesting about the two main characters, and no matter how many "legitimate" URLs you put at the end of your movie, I'm not going to believe moon rocks are out to get me.

MOVIES I JUST DIDN'T GIVE A CHANCE.

Yet another year goes by in which I failed my Pokemon Master and could not catch them all. Here's the list of all the movies I missed out on this year...any worth checking out? Any I should avoid like the bubonic plague? Let me know!

Movies I legitimately meant to see: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (I will see this one, just not before midnight). Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (ditto). Shame. The Rum Diary. The Mechanic. The Guard. The Debt.

Movies I kind of hoped to see: Dream House. Immortals. Fright Night. Killer Elite. Colombiana. Rampart. Fast Five. Tower Heist. The Adjustment Bureau. Unknown. Conan the Barbarian.

Movies I went out of my way not to see: In Time. Limitless. Source Code. The Three Musketeers. Battle: LA. Season Of The Witch. The Lincoln Lawyer. Transformers: Dark Of The Moon.

That's all, folks! Hope everyone celebrates the New Year with champagne, car chases, and couple well timed fruit cart explosions. See you next year!

"I'll More Than Alarm You."

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011)

Prepare for battle...

Everyone's thinking it, not so many people are saying it. Let's just go all out, shall we? I call it...BATTLE OF THE REMAKE! In one corner, those crazy Swedish bastards. In the other corner, AMERICA! It should be known that the referee is only literate in the language of Chuck Norris' body hair, so she was unable to read the novel these movies were based on. It should also be known that copious spoilers lay ahead, and honey badger don't give a shit. Let the fighting commence!

Round One:

The thing that really sold the US version of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo for me was the new and improved Mikael. Honestly, I can't tell you what it is about Michael Nyqvist. Maybe I just don't like his face. Whatever the case, Nyqvist bored me to tears. I couldn't get into his character, I couldn't get into him period. But I didn't really have time to care because I was too busy drooling over Noomi Rapace's awesome. Either way, I went into the US version expecting much of the same. Sure, I love Daniel Craig and I've got a lot of faith in him. But Mikael is just...a white rice character. Well. Let's just say I was pleasantly surprised, and I owe 99% of that to one very important character. The cat. I don't know what it is, probably a cat woman dyke thing, but watching 007 play with a kitty cat is incredibly endearing. And so I decided Mikael could have a place in my heart. He likes cats, he's got a good personality, and he's got multiple little faucets of his self for us to touch on--his affair, his ex-wife, his daughter. All of it rounds out to a good, interesting Mikael Blomkvist. In short, Daniel Craig has to work very hard to disappoint me.

And the winner is...Daniel Craig and his pussy.

Round Two:

Ah, what I wouldn't give for this to be a physical cat fight. The thing about Rooney Mara is I liked her. A shit ton more than I thought I would. Let's face it, the woman had big shoes to fill and tiny feet to fill them with. But instead of completely trying to replicate Noomi Rapace's job well done, she took the character down a La Femme Nikita road. Lisbeth became much more pure animal instinct, and for that, I have to give the little ball of energy Rooney Mara mad props. But with her almost too-intense eyes peering out of her doll face, she felt less like Lisbeth Salander and more like something Tim Burton might concoct. Noomi Rapace is a gritty, badass punk who still carries with her a sharp edge of humanity underneath the smoldering flames of the violence that lives inside of her. Or I just want to get in her pants. Either or. 

And the winner is...Noomi Rapace (be still my beating heart).

Round Three:

If anyone remembers my previous review of the Swedish version (The Girl With The Occasional Hangnail), you'll know that I bitched at length about Mikael and Lisbeth's relationship. There was just something about it that simply didn't sit right with me. Then I saw Craig and Rooney Mara. I do get the feeling I might have been subliminally forced into liking it since there were so many attractive promotional images of the two together. Nonetheless, Mara and Craig had great on screen chemistry. They worked brilliantly off each other, and despite their clear differences, somehow seemed to fit. I think what it all comes down to is the fact that Fincher took the time to include trivial, yet touching intimate moments. Something as simple as Lisbeth demanding Mikael to keep his hands on her while she worked somehow added that much more to their relationship, making it feel natural and flow easily through the movie instead of forcing a connection.

And the winner is...Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara.

Round Four:

Also known as, "and then another incestuous Swede walks into a bar...". One of the main problems with the first movie was that I just couldn't follow along. Maybe it was the subtitles. It's entirely possible I'm just that much of a stupid American. Whatever the case, everyone just felt like another Swedish Nazi having sex with his sister. In the American version, Fincher seemed to breath a little more life into the important family members and then shrugged off the rest of the snippy old bitches like dried up snake skin. Sure, I'm sure important plot points were lost thanks to America's "time is money" philosophy. But who really wants to listen to Aunt Helga whine and cough up cat fur?

And the winner is...David Fincher.

Round Five:

Alright. So I'll be blunt. With tag lines like "the feel bad movie of the year", I was expecting to feel a little more brutalized. Yes, the rape was brutal as all hell. Yes, the post-rape shower made me physically uncomfortable. Good job. But skip ahead a little bit to Lisbeth's revenge. Yes, she goes through the exact same motions. But what's that? While she was tying her rapist up, she had time to do her makeup? So you're telling me she just decided, in the middle of this emotionally and physically violent scene, to play a little dress up? Alllllrighty then. Skip ahead a little more. When Mikael is squirming between the jaws of Vanger Jr. Martin Vanger has Nazi blood, a childhood fraught with violence, and he's a pathological sadist who gets off on brutally raping and killing random women. Got it. Now look at Craig. He looks...vaguely uncomfortable? He's got a neck brace on. Now, I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever had to wear a neck brace will tell you how extraordinary uncomfortable they are. Because, you know. They chafe and stuff. Right. Now let's skip to Nyqvist, who has a hangman's cheap noose wrapped around his throat. Call me old fashioned, but there's something about Nyqvist's torture that hits a more visceral note, despite Craig's good acting and the excellent help of our friend the plastic bag.

What I'm trying to get at here is between the heavily made up raccoon eyes Rooney Mara sports while she sodomizes her rapist and the odd little neck brace, I get the feeling Fincher got a little caught up in the theatrics when he really just needed to zero in on the genuine, visceral, bloody heart of the moment. The more visually appealing brutality is, the less it hurts. I know what you're thinking. M., lay off. It just looks cool. You're right. You're totally right. I mean, it's not like people are going to entirely miss the point of the movie and make a clothing line based off a mildly psychopathic rape victim, right?...Guys? Right?

And the winner is...Noomi Rapace and her terrifying tattoo skills.

Round Six:

All's well that ends well. Or, you know. Drags out to the point of nibbling on popcorn kernels. Here's the thing. We kind of...don't give that many shits about Mikael's case. It was just a plot device used to get us to this super interesting missing woman case, and now that the case is solved, mission completed, job well done, we're ready to pack up and go home. Alright, so I get that this one isn't that easy to wrap up, we have to explain how Mikael gets off, we have to give Lisbeth a last moment of badassitry, we have to see our hero ride into the sunset with...well...a girl. But did it really need to last as long as it did? I was having LOTRs deja vu watching the multiple endings drag out in front of me. Yeah, so the Swedish version dragged on just as long. But somehow I expected it to drag, since the whole movie had been a lot slower, a lot quieter. Fincher's version was much more fast paced and action packed, so when he dragged his feet through the end, I felt it. 

And the winner is...Zer Svedish.

And The Winner Is...

Er...that's a bit of a tough answer. Especially considering the fact that they've officially tied and I've got no tie-breaker. Look, what it comes down to is, they were both excellent movies in their own right. Usually I feel strongly about one version, but this time I could swing either way. Really, if we could just do this movie one more time mixing and matching the best bits from each movie, I'd be happy. As it is, I'll be content to watch both versions multiple times to satisfy my masochistic love for this brilliant, dark movie.

BAMF Of The Week: Daniel Craig

DANIEL CRAIG

"Life is so fucking good I can taste it in my spit."

Whew, it's been a while since I knocked Michelle Rodriguez off her pedestal. But I was having so much fun watching her glare at me from the corner of my screen, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Daniel Craig seems to be a worthy enough badass to take the place, however, and I figure the timing's about right what with his next big film opening tomorrow. I know there are naysayers. People who think he's too old, too blonde, and it's too hard to find a crack in his tough exterior to fit a smile. But these people clearly haven't seen him laugh at the cards life dealt him and tell a child how the world is just too fucking hilarious. Nor have they seen him steal the screen time and again from Israeli assassins. Nor have they seen him make out with Toby Jones, Rhys Ifans, and Derek Jacobi (but I take your point, who wants to see that?) 

The point is, sure, he's had a Hollywood sell-out here and there, but he also takes some pretty wild risks and pulls them off in true badass form--with a deft gun hand, a wry smile, and an order of vodka martini, shaken, not stirred. It's impossible to talk about Craig's badassitry without mentioning his take on Bond, which is a departure from the franchise, no doubt, but with balls of steel (quite literally), Craig manages to pull it through (without, of course, outshining you-know-who). So I've drank the punch, I have my faith in the man, you wanna fight about it? 

Best films: Road To Perdition (2002), Casino Royale (2006), Layer Cake (2004). 

Worst films: Defiance (2008). I just didn't get it. 

Best moments: "Shaken or stirred?" "Do I look like I give a damn?"

Upcoming films: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo? I'm there. And Skyfall? Don't even get me started. 

Winter Is Coming...

DECEMBER MOVIES

If case you're wondering where I am this December, you can find me stalking the movie theaters at any one of these dates:

Shame (December 2nd)

Fassbender. Mulligan. Sex addiction. I'm there.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (December 9th)

It's been talked about so much I feel like I've already seen it. Still, that won't stop me from running to the theaters.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows (December 16th)

Noomi Rapace is not in my bed. There is no god.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (December 23rd)

Speak of the tattooed devil. Even without the Rapace love, I will see it and enjoy it, dammit.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (December 23rd)

The amount of excitement I have for this movie is actually borderline unhealthy.


And these are the reasons I'll be at home hating the world and drinking myself into oblivion:

New Year's Eve

Unless this movie ends with Hugo Stiglitz killing every man, woman, and child the moment the ball drops, I'm not interested.

The Sitter

No.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

What self respecting six year old sees these movies?

The Girl With The Occasional Hangnail.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009)

Moral? Do not fuck with a chick with nose rings.

Alright. I'll start off with the confession that I haven't read the book. Because books are for losers and don't have enough car chases in them. But then I saw the trailer. You know. The trailer. The trailer which put me into spasms of motherfucking awesome, and just put my girlfriend into spasms of epilepsy (and then gave me the silent treatment for putting her through that). Anyway, I figured if I'm going to be wetting myself over the American trailer, I might as well do the good thing and see the Swedish movie first. And let me tell you--holyfuckingawesome. I know movie critics have this moral code called "if everybody loves it and it isn't over thirty years old, it must be shit". And yes, the movie and the books got a shit ton of hoopla. But there's a very rare occasion when the movie that everyone considers badass really is that badass. This is one of those movies. 

Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth.

The plot is simple enough. Reporter Mikael Blomkvist (played conveniently by Michael Nyqvist, who apparently only stars in movies with extraordinarily vague titles...ah, Svedens) is only months away from getting locked away at Stockholm and decides to use the spare time he has left to take on another case. He's hired by a sweet old (and slightly insane) grandfatherly type, Henrik Vanger, who is obsessed with the disappearance of his niece, Harriet, who went missing some 40 years ago. Mikael hops on board to take on the assignment, slowly picking through clues, sifting through evidence. He's your standard, older man sleuth, who works his way though boxes upon boxes of evidence bundled up in front of a fireplace. You can't help but find him completely endearing, and noble in a sort of old fashioned gentleman detective way. 

On the flip side, we have Lisbeth Salander, played by the extraordinarily talented and just plain sexy Noomi Rapace. Would that I could explain all the ways Lisbeth is a fucking badass. She's a talented computer hacker, who gets herself involved in the case by hacking into Mikael's computer. She's also everything I could ask for in a female heroine. She puts up a hell of a good fight against the boys, she doesn't censor herself for anyone, and she believes revenge is a dish best served hog-tied and sodomized. But best of all? She doesn't have all of that "I'm a woman, therefore I'm the emotional one" in this movie. Instead, she closes off completely, to everyone, no exceptions. And she gets herself into some fucked up tight spots, but she never plays the victim. She carries her demons on her back and wears them well. She doesn't need the male lead to help her with the load, thank you very much. But then again, I might just love her so much because she's half-dyke. 

Image from moviesmedia.ign.com.

About Lisabeth and Mikael. I'll say this. I had a problem with them. Which is weird, because I spent the entire first half of the movie waiting for them to finally bump into each other. And I was there with these characters through it all. From Mikael's careful mental avoidance of his prison sentence, to Lisabeth's (fucking intense) rape. I was there, I was with them. I was loving every second of it. And then they started to share the screen, and something shifted. Mikael, for one, turned into a love sick puppy dog. And I get it. I'd probably do the same, and it makes sense for his character. But still. That previous gentleman nobility about him kind of went out the window. So I lost a good chunk of respect for him. 

But there was something stilted about their relationship in general. The characters were acting just as I would expect them to--he was falling for her and she wasn't really giving him the time of day--but somehow their chemistry just wasn't doing it for me. It wasn't their acting, and it wasn't the writing, because both were spot on. It was just something uncomfortable in the relationship period. Maybe it was because I'd hoped they would have some sort of father-daughter bond instead of going the easy way out with a love interest. Maybe it was just that Mikael does awkward as hell sex scenes. Whatever it was, it rubbed me the wrong way, and apparently rubbed Lisbeth the wrong way, who couldn't seem to wait to step out of every scene she was in with him. And if this had been one, doomed, awkward relationship in the course of both their lives, I would've been fine with that. They both got what they wanted--he got to drive a car for the first time since his divorce, and she got her good-man lovin'. So they grew as characters and could move on, and Lisbeth could be the new James Bond and have a Bond Boy (or Girl) in every movie. Except somehow I get the feeling Mikael isn't leaving us for a good while. Let's just hope he works on his sex face. 

I think we all know who wears the pants in this pair.

Complaints about their relationship aside, it was a really fucking good film. It was paced well (even though the slowish beginning did pick up a little too fast for me towards the end), it had some painfully realistic and intense senses, and it was a movie that wasn't afraid to go there. Really, I thought since it was so popular among soccer moms it was going to be fluffier than this, but it had some scenes that spun out into dark, unnerving places. Which makes sense when you realize the original Swedish title is Men Who Hate Women. Especially since...this movie had nothing to do with a dragon tattoo. Except that she had it. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Might as well call it The Girl With The Occasional Hangnail.  

While watching the film, I couldn't help but wonder the eternal question: "How the fuck is Hollywood going to pull this one off?" My prediction is that, if its anything like the trailers (which, experience has told me, it probably isn't, but I'll keep hoping!), it'll probably be epic. I don't doubt they'll cut out a good portion of the easy, slow pace in the beginning (because who needs subtle tension building, really?), but they may make up for it with a more cohesive relationship between Mikael and Lisbeth (let's face it, if there's one thing Americans are good at, it's contrived romantic sub-plots). Daniel Craig I happen to be a big fan of, so I have some hope there. Rooney Mara may look cool punked-out and she has impressed me before, but I know it's impossible to beat Noomi Rapace's complete and utter badassitry, so I won't even hold that expectation against her. I love Led Zeppelin like my unborn fetus. So the fact that I give Trent Reznor's version of The Immigrant Song the thumbs up is a major compliment. All in all? I'm still looking forward to feeling bad, come Christmastime.