Enchant This, Bitches.

 ENCHANTED (2007)

Prince Charming will keep you safe at night.

Robert is nervous. 

Ah, Disney. The magical castle of princesses, handsome knights and talking animals. People break out into song with lavish choreographed numbers that involve the whole town/kingdom/kitchen set. The villains come from the land of Pure Evil born for the sole purpose of wrecking havoc on the main characters. And there's always the romantic horseride into the sunset on a beach with angels singing at the end. Well. At least, that was the Disney we knew and loved. Enchanted introduces us to a new magical world--a world where songs are saved for the funerals, where the kingdom bleeds corruption and backhand politics, where animal abuse doesn't even begin to cover it. 

In short, Enchanted explores the concept of what would happen if you took animated characters out of their fairytale land and into the real world. I would give a more elaborate summary of this movie, but even to describe the dehumanizing violence and remember the agonizing feats these characters accomplished in moments of pure desperation sends shivers down my spine. Never has the world seen a movie this brutally violent since The Guinea Pig series. However, if you watch it with your eyes covering most of your face and keep a bucket next to you, the movie is actually a very riveting story with characters that won't leave your memory bank easily. 

Amy Adams does one of the more disturbing performances of her career, playing the young damsel in distress Giselle, who falls into a portal and lands in the Real World, New York City. She's fully wed to the rules of her animated world, and has trouble understanding why she can't break out in spontaneous song mass homicide. She's picked up by divorce lawyer Robert Philips (Patrick Dempsey), single father of young little Morgan. His cynicism about relationships, love, and life heals with true love just grows deeper with every murder under Giselle's blade, and he tries desperately to hide the bodies of her victims to keep her innocent. This does not go well for him. 

"When you grow up, if you still feel raw about it...I'll be waiting."

This chipmunk's got nuts.

The handsome James Marsden, however, steals the show as Prince Edward, who chases Giselle into the Real World and intends to make her his own. His character is reminiscent of Mr. Blonde on speed. He's volatile, savage, and merciless. Yet does it all with a smile. His high-energy drives the movie forward, determined to get to his goal, yet constantly sidetracked with ADD tendencies and a thirst for destruction. And all the while he's charming, ridiculous, and downright goofy. He carries with him his sidekick (Giselle's companion), Pip, the fast-talking silver-tongued Chipmunk. Pip has clearly lead a hard life somewhere in the dregs of Brooklyn--he started with small beginnings riding along side Travis Bickle, but moved up in the world when he joined the underground mafia of Andalasia and became the most dangerous chipmunk with an Uzi.

The headless mannequin is just another victim. 

Another notable mention to the ladies of the movie--one of my all time favorite Broadway performers Idina Menzel spends the entire time uh...not singing. Well then. However, what the writers have denied her in song, they make up for in bloodshed. She shows she can act on and off the stage, playing the micromanaging girlfriend of Robert. Oh, and she's also a Ninja Assassin on the side, also known as the deadliest woman with ninja throwing stars. And they say perfection is overrated. She ultimately joins Prince Edward in a romance that the world hasn't seen since Mickey and Mallory Knox. And finally, who can forget Susan Sarandon. She's...well. The villain. Reprising her role from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975), she plays a dominatrix who goes by Queen Narissa, and keeps that rat man from Harry Potter as her personal slave. She's great in everything she does, and this sexually disturbing role is no exception. Just be prepared to donate your dead libido to the black market. The rat man, however, seems bitter towards rodents these days, and--a note to the activists--ends up performing a crucifixion on Pip after he refuses to talk and betray his men. I only pray animals were not harmed in the making of this film. 

Actual still from movie.

Overall, this movie contains brutality of catastrophic proportions and shouldn't be seen by anyone under 90 or over 16. Oh, and a happy birthday shout out to my lovely girlfriend.