BAMF Of The Week: Jesus Christ

"God...you are me are DONE professionally."
Now I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination. But what with surviving the apocalypse and all, I figured it was about time I made J. C. the BAMF of the week. Storywise, it's a good one--he feeds the poor, he makes sure no one goes to work sober, and he accepts his gay tendencies with his man Judas (it's not that Christians hate the gays...it's just that when they see them kissing, they're afraid it's a signal, and they're doing their best to save the gays from crucifixion. True story). And then we've got the whole bit with the torture on the cross, rolling back a bigass rock with his body building muscles, and coming back from the dead to be the motherfucking savior of mankind. I think it's fair to say he'd give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money in the ultimate badass title. 

Except for the fact that, cinematically, Jesus has an impressive resume of resembling Shiva the Destroyer rather than any savior. When he's not doing shitty Hallmark movies, he's destroying trilogies. There's seems to be a popular theory going around that claims that so long as you put religious symbolism in your shitty action movie, your film is redeemed from all it's sins. More often than not, this is not true. You can find an expansive and entertaining list of religious faux pas here.

However. There is the occasional movie that will use religious symbolism to blow everyone else out of the holy motherfucking water. Sometimes, they just snag a line or two from the Bible to look like badasses when they're killing someone. Other times, a movie will straight up go all out with the Jesus symbolism, but will do it in such a kickass way that you can't help but bow at their altar. These false idols are to be worshipped with a constant supply of dead chickens and burned copies of Twilight on their shrine. 

Best Films: Blade Runner (1982), Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989), Pulp Fiction (1994), Boondock Saints (1999). 

Worst Films: I don't know, I don't watch the Hallmark channel. Though I will throw up Mel Gibson's snuff film.

Noteworthy Actors: Christian Bale (AKA: "God, we're fucking done professionally"), Ralph Fiennes (AKA: the only man to play both a Nazi and Jesus), William Dafoe (AKA: the only time Jesus looked like a pedophile), Kenneth Colley (AKA: the only time Jesus made me laugh), Garret Dillahunt (AKA: the redneck Jesus).

Trivia: There's a Bible audiobook in which Samuel L. Jackson is the voice of God. Now that's a sermon I might actually stay awake for. 


  1. All I can say is I need that Bible audiobook. Now.

  2. I KNOW! Whoever made that decision is a marketing genius.

  3. Totally agreed. Except their marketing genius on price goes out the window.

    £30 on Amazon?? I was just getting my card out as well, aw, crap. There must be some Youtube clips of Jackson putting his God voice on somewhere...

    Probably itunes has it, too. I just need that in my love.

    And I completely agree with you on another note too. Even not being religious, Jesus is a BAMF.

  4. Dude, that's ridiculous. Since when did religion become to expensive? I'm definitely going to have to hunt down youtube clips.

    If you do find it, let me know how it goes! It sounds fucking hilarious.

    And it's true! It's just a damn good story, whichever way you look at it.

  5. Ok, you go straight, I'll get divorced, and we run away together to Timbuktu. Deal? I heart you so much right now.

    So...you really, really hated Priest, eh?

    Mad props to the person that came up with the idea to get Sam Jackson for the Bible audiobook. Sounds like the kind of Bible I could buy (the only kind, that is).

  6. Bitch, please, if I'm going straight, at least take me to Amsterdam where there's not so much a sexual identity as there is a "I'm just too high to care right now".

    But I really, really hated Priest! It really wouldn't have been THAT bad...if I hadn't been so damn pumped for it. Why do I even bother psyching myself up for movies these days?

    And I agree! If you want to convert the rest of the world, just have Samuel L. Jackson lead the way. I'd follow him to Scientology if I had just the sound of his voice to go by.

  7. Jesus as BAMF, hells to the yeah. He kicked the Devil's ass in the ring in South Park and rescued Santa with a machine gun. Turning water to wine is the most badass skill to have, not to mention bringing people back from the dead and not as zombies either. Not to mention he turned Mel Gibson into a lunatic after the dude made Passion.

    And yeah, I'd follow Sam L anywhere, to a Nicholas Sparks film, hell to Sister Sarah's house for moose dinner. He can Promise Land me anytime.

  8. Bwahahaha! I really do have to watch more South Park. I catch it every now and then and it cracks my shit up. I don't think it took Jesus to make Mel Gibson crazy as all hell, but he did us all the favor of revealing his special brand of crazy.

    Samuel L. Jackson is a motherfuckin' BAMF on a motherfuckin' plane. That is all.


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