Blogathon: The Movie Of My Life.

So I stumbled upon Wide Screen World's blogathon "The Movie Of My Life" a while ago. The general idea of the thing is you cast the people in your life with actors who have qualities similar to your homies. Which is good fun, but I realized jumping on this bandwagon would be the perfect way for me to let you peeps know about a little change in my life that's coming up which may alter what goes down on this blog ever so slightly. Fasten your seat belts, because the contents of reality may shift during this post. 

Here's a story. M., the tiny, white girl with a lust for all things action, can clearly only be played by one actor:
Who were you expecting, bitch?
But M. has a problem. Her girlfriend/better half/the-only-person-she'd-watch-Enchanted-for is currently residing all the way in Atlanta, Georgia. Which sucks, because her girlfriend is drop dead gorgeous. Bond Girl Eva Green is here to help me explain the level of her gorgeousness:
Now, M. is on a quest to move down to Atlanta and move in with said girlfriend. But before you go thinking this is a romantic comedy, there's one test that M. has to conquer. The one test that no New Yorker should ever have to face. The evil...merciless...sadistic...DRIVING TEST. Which will be played by none other than my favorite villain, Mark Strong.
I wish I had 1% of this man's swag.
In order to prepare herself for the challenges she must face to defeat the evil that is the driving test, M. must be tutored. Trained. Prepared in the art of subtle turns and easing up on the gas pedal. It should be noted that my driving teacher has a completely unintelligible accent, so there was really only one person who could fill his shoes.
"B'careful not t'hit tha caravan, ey? Dem dawgs're in der."

And so, M.'s training had begun. She sparred on the beach at dawn, she carried bucketfuls of water up and down long, winding steps, and she learned how to use chopsticks. Oh, and did some parallel parking on her down time. Granted, there were a few "bumps in the road"...

But M. was assured these things happen, and M. worked tirelessly to become a master of the driving art. Still, the driving test looms menacingly in the not-so-distant distance, but with a few wise words from her mentor (at least, she thinks they were words) and long hours of grueling training, M. has high hopes that she will prevail. Or, you know. Fail miserably and try again.

But in all seriousness, whether it takes me one try or twenty, I'm defeating that motherfucking driving test and moving to Atlanta with my girl. Which means my few and far between alerts on NYC movie madness (midnight screenings and the like) will be nonexistent. But...considering the fact they were pretty nonexistent to begin with, I don't think they'll be missed. But if I have any Atlanta readers (hesitant question mark?), I might throw a bone here and there once I settle in and find the sweet happenings in Atlanta.

And now I will return to Jules patting me on the back and use his badassitry to kill that test.


  1. Best of luck with everything so you can make this move! I personally will not feel a loss when NYC movie happenings go the way of Kodak - that I live in NC could be the reason for that. If I can help with that driving test let me know. On several years of driving I've only been in cars that have flipped once...

  2. Bwahaha, thanks! NC is a great place--I have spent many a visit there. An an ignorant New Yorker, I afraid I would find people with pitchforks. Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised, though I suddenly looked very out of place as the only one wielding a pitchfork. If I could successfully Bond-style flip a car, I think they might give me my license on the spot.

  3. LMAO!! You should totally be a casting director. Sam L is a great choice. I could see him as you. Good luck with the driving test. I finally got my license when I was 25 because I'd grown up on public transpo and within walking/biking distance of everything so a car was out of the question. After all these years, however, I'm a pro and think maybe I can qualify for NASCAR. LOL

  4. As a fellow New Yorker who can't drive either, I can definitely relate. Thanks much - hope you and your lady are very happy together.

  5. @ Melissa--Amiright? I'm glad you found it amusing! And thanks! Public transport is the best. I don't know what I'm going to do without subways on every corner. More likely than not, purchase a bike. And I can so see you NASCARing it up! I'll be waiting!

    @ Rich--For real! Who needs to drive when you live in New York? No one. People aren't supposed to move that fast. Unless they're in a subway. But the blogathon pleasure was mine! much fun. Thanks for the good wishes!

  6. Ha as a New Jerseyan I was always jealous of the New York kids who had the easy 4-question written test (NJ's written is long and hard and I failed it 3 times). But then I'd be reminded that NY's actual driving part is like, on the real streets and not a closed course. Good luck, I know it's hard but you are badass enough to prevail! Your movie will have an attractive happy ending when Sam Jackson and Eva Green make out in Atlanta!

  7. Sounds like a good movie to me! Good luck getting together all the baddassitry you need.

  8. I meant to share this with you a while ago, here's is this hilarious little clip from Epic Rap Battles of History Abe Lincoln vs. Chuck Norris. I love it!


  9. Yeah, I think SLJ was destined to play a tiny, white girl. With the right script, an Oscar win is a sure thing.

    Totally off-topic: as for Epic Rap Battles of History, Beethoven vs. Justin Bieber is a must.


  10. It is a damn shame that you're leaving! Dang lesbians, you'll do anything for a chick.

    But seriously, don't sweat the test too much. Just feel a desire to drive the car when you're behind the wheel, don't get too nervous, and try not to hit anything =)

  11. @ Alex--New Jerseyan! I think we have to duke it out. I have no idea what the driving test is like in Jersey, but I've become an expert at yelling at cabbies. And then have a heart attack when I have to drive on the freeway. Thanks for the good luck! I will need it.

    @ Brent--Thanks, homie! I'll be collecting badassitry like a greedy leprechaun.

  12. @ Melissa--HAHAHA! "I AM CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS!" That is epic! And Chuck Norris wins. Every time. Sorry, Honest Abe. He really is everyone's master.

    @ Shaft--Right? SLJ could totally make Oscar material doing white face and drag. I'm ready for it.

    And...dear god. Beethoven. Kicked Biebers ass so hard. Though the best part about that was probably this person's comment: "any one who said justin won i will find you and kill you with a rusted spoon." Word, my friend, word.

    @ Thaddeus--It's true! I think with my ovaries, what can I say? Thanks for the advice--I'll keep it in mind! So long as I pretend I'm SLJ, everything will be cool. Like Fonzie.

  13. Girrrrrrl you crack me up! If you pass through Baltimore come out for drinks with the FTS crew or else!

  14. Bwhahaha! I'm glad you appreciated it! Damn straight I will! Even if that's my only reason for going to Baltimore. The beer and the movie talk. I dig it.

  15. YES! Hahah, Baltimore meetup is in order if you ever make the journey, that would be awesome!

  16. When the Baltimore fairy whisks me away to Baltimore, you all will be the first to hear about it!

  17. Congrats on the move! That sounds awesome, man.

    Unfortunately, though I'd like to join you in the driving test ranks, I have no money to do so - but good luck on that, too, M!

    (This post had me laughing a fair bit, btw!)

  18. Thanks! Glad to make you chuckle! The move is so far, so good!

    Driving tests are definitely a bitch. The first try was a bit of a fail, but I'm gearing up for the next one.


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