A Life In Movies.

A LIFE IN MOVIES

So it came to my attention that there's this awesome little blogathon created by Fandango Groovers going down called "A Life In Movies". We're supposed to post May 8th, but I got too excited (that's what he said). The premise is to start with the year you're born, and list your favorite movie of every year up to the present. It's a good way to find out everyone's age make a list of a handful of your favorite movies, but I kinda already did that. So I don't risk completely repeating myself, like the maverick I am, I decided to switch it up a bit. Instead of listing my all time favorites (i.e., movies I respect and admire for their badassitry and consider great works of art), I'm going to list my all time guilty pleasures (i.e., generally big budget fluff movies that are like crack to me and I couldn't stop watching if I tried). Without further ado...

1989. Weekend At Bernies. My go-to movie whenever I had to stay home from school sick. I couldn't tell you how many times I've seen Larry and Richard drag that corpse around. It may account for my sick sense of humor.

1990. Goodfellas. Just a genius movie, no bones about it.

1991. The Silence Of The Lambs. I want to make sweet, sweet love to Jodie Foster's husky voice. Well, Jodie Foster period, but I'll take her voice, too.

Pierce Brosnan, tool of the year.

1992. The Lawnmower Man. Alright. Disclaimer. I hate this movie. It is ridiculous in ways I can't wrap my head around, and I've seen some fucked up shit. However, it's just way too much fun to watch at 3 AM with a room full of friends and rip into.

1993. Jurassic Park. Never gets old. Ever. Ever. DINOSAURS.

1994. Pulp Fiction. My favorite movie of all time. Though I recently watched it high and got a whole different experience from it. Just goes to show you can always learn something new about those movies you know by heart.

1995. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. Another childhood favorite. I basically grew up watching Jim Carrey talk out of his ass.

1996. From Dusk Till Dawn. This one taught me a great life lesson: kill the vampires first, cry over your fallen comrades later.

You will not remember this movie.

1997. Men In Black. This one put Will Smith on the map for me. It's just a classic.

1998. Rush Hour. I know, kill me. But it was my first Jackie Chan, and while it's hardly his best work (if anything, it's probably his worst), it made me fall for him so it has a special place in my heart.

1999. The Mummy. I bet you thought I was going to say The Matrix? Yeah, so did I. But the thing is, as dear as that movie is to me, The Mummy brings up some serious nostalgia I can't deny.

2000. Gladiator. I saw this back when I knew Joaquin Phoenix as "that dude with the weird lip". Still, it's just a solid movie.

2001. The Lord Of The Rings. C'mon. I know you can't listen to the theme song without feeling your heart swell with nerdy joy.

Say "homicide".

2002. Road To Perdition. So you know how I just said Pulp Fiction was my all time favorite? This is a close fucking second. It helped that I saw it during the period of my life when I refused to remember actors names, so I was totally blind to how many serious stars are in this movie and got to simply enjoy the pure cinematic badassness of the story and the characters.

2003. Kill Bill Vol. 1. What can I say? The Bride is the shit.

2004. Dawn Of The Dead. I'll probably get some slack for this one, what with remakes always being crap and all. But if you forget that it's a remake, it's just a fun fucking movie. Mainly thanks to this guy.

Who knew her pretty face could scream so well?

2005. The Skeleton Key. New Orleans, voodoo, Kate Hudson's ass, and old fashioned suspense. Yes, please.

2006. The Departed. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself.

2007. 300. Because THIS. IS. SPARTA.

2008. Rocknrolla. Gay gangsters, drug wastelands, and everything dirty shoved under the carpet of London. Is there anything better?

Nazi killing BAMF.

2009. Inglorious Basterds. Yeah, I know. Another Tarantino take over.

2010. Inception. Because it's hard to beat the hamster wheel fight.

2011. Hanna. I would list all the ways this movie rocks, but I'm too busy being addicted to The Chemical Brothers.

Top Ten Mindfucking Action Scenes.

TOP TEN MINDFUCKING ACTION SCENES

Neo vs. handstands.

Ah yes, action. The guns, the blood, the explosions. It's good for the testosterone, good for adrenaline, and just plain good for the soul. But, every once in a couple years, there will be that one director that pushes it that extra inch. Who takes the action to a whole new level of awesomeness. And so, in no particular order, here's my list of action scenes that fucked with my head.

2010.

2010 IN REVIEW

Ah, the end of the year. Time to reminisce over a year of some good mindfucks and some very bad buttfucks. In short, I think we can dub this the year in which all was not quite what it seemed: critics liked movies they couldn't understand, Leonado Dicaprio wouldn't stop killing his kids, and that which should have been awesome sucked major balls. And so, I give you 2010, in review:


BEST OF 2010.

*Inception.
Best movie of 2010.
Best fight scene of 2010.
Best groan-inducing ending of 2010.
So all those movies I failed to see this year because I didn't have enough money? Blame it on this movie. I went to see it about five times because I couldn't quite get enough of it. And that's the thing about this movie. It's creative, the characters are fun, but most of all--it's entertaining. I know there's going to be a lot of people who sneer in the face of Inception as it climbs the ranks of people's "best of" lists since it's "hyped" and lack some sort of intellectual depth (which I disagree with. But). Nonetheless, the point is, it's just a good movie. What makes a movie a good movie? Not because it struck some sort of deep thought chord in me and put me in an existential coma for the next couple weeks. But because I wanted to see it again, and again, and again. I attribute that most to Tom Hardy's straight up delightful character, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's fight scene, and the stunning visuals. Rock on, Nolan.

*The A-Team.
Best tank of 2010. 
Best action of 2010.
This is without a doubt the most fun you will have at the movies this year. It's absurb, it's over the top, and yet...so fucking brilliant. The writing is quick and witty, the characters are purely themselves and perfectly cast, and the action scenes are fantastic. They're imaginative, they're daring, and they're completely and utterly thrilling. The bad guys were great--Pike was the perfect blend of unstoppable badassitry and cocky fuck-you-allness that good action movies have been really lacking lately. On the flipside, the good guys were the good guys and you always loved them and the movie portrayed such a great feeling of camaraderie among them. And they flew a motherfucking tank! Not only that, but they steered it. Using the kick from their shots fired. Next question.

*Shutter Island.
Best suspense of 2010.
Best mindfuck of 2010.
If you ignore the fact that Leonardo Dicaprio is playing the exact same fucking role as he did in Inception (remember: Shutter Island came out first. Suck it, Nolan. Even if I just told you to rock on), this is the best movie of 2010. And I mean that in a completely different way than Inception. Inception is good because I want to watch it 20000 times. Shutter Island is good because it's just a fucking well done movie. The atmosphere is eerie as hell, Scorsese is not afraid to keep us waiting in anticipation, and the entirely movie leaves the audience scrambling for as many clues as it does the main character. All in all, a positively brilliant movie.

The Ghost Writer.
Best Ewan McGregor of 2010.
Which, let's face it, is the only reason I popped this one in. Turns out, it's a Polanski, and I got surprised by actually watching a really good movie. The plot (and by this I mean the barebones of ghost-writer-living-with-his-subject-temporarily) was a good one and appropriately creepy. The movie did a good job of keeping you on the edge, wondering what was what, especially when the intricacies of the plot itself were really hard to untangle. Nonetheless, it was a good watch, the tone was good, the characters were intriguing, and it was ultimately satisfying even if I couldn't figure out why.

Mark's pure dispassionate brilliance.

The Other Guys. 

Best comedy of 2010.
Normally, I hate Will Ferrell. Really, I do. Just put him in a movie and I probably won't watch it. But I made an exception for this movie and I'm so fucking glad I did. For one--he actually played in a role I liked him in. Mark Wahlberg has quickly become a favorite of mine after he spent all of The Departed (2006) cursing out Leonardo DiCaprio, which I appreciated immensely at the time since he was another one of those actors who got under my skin for no reason (as you can see by this years list, him and I have reached a truce). And finally...Samuel L. Jackson. Being himself. The ultimate badass of all badasses. His role in this movie is...is...well. Let's just say the way his character leaves the screen had me laughing for just about the rest of the movie. It was cleverly written, the plot was unique, I just plain loved it.

Machete.
Best gore of 2010.
Best use of body parts as a bungee cord of 2010.
Best villain growl of 2010.
Ah, yes. A movie with pure, unadulterated entertainment value. I could get used to this. We have a rebellion of illegal Mexican immigrants, lead by the assassin Machete. Once again, Robert Rodriguez gives everyone what they want--we've got so many body parts people are slipping over them, we've got big breasts accompanied with a pornographic beat, we've got a one-eyed Michelle Rodriguez, a snarling Jeff Fahey, and a political cowboy out of Robert De Niro. If you like fun, you will enjoy this movie. It's that simple. 

Yes, please.

Iron Man 2. 

Best use of tightfitting costumes in 2010.
Scarlett Johansson was insanely sexy. Robert Downey Jr. played a great dick. Don Cheadle matched RDJ's performance and made an excellent balance for him. And Mickey Rourke was great as always. It was a great follow up to the first Iron Man (2008) without leaving that awful bad sequel taste in your mouth. Plus, the movie was extremely self-contained, little hints here and there all paid off at the end and gave the ending an extremely satisfying feel. Overall, I'd say this franchise is doing damn well for itself.

WORST OF 2010.

Tron:  Legacy.
Wtf of 2010.
Alright. I'll be fair. The visuals were cool, Jeff was fun to watch, yeah, yeah. It just...wasn't that great. Pure and simple. The action scenes were cool, but I wasn't crazy about any of the characters, and it was all ultimately kind of meaningless. The plot was trying to be Bladerunner with a dash of the Matrix but ultimately failed. I haven't seen the first Tron, but I'm considering it just to see if it's any better. 

From Paris With Love.
Worst plot of 2010.

I was excited for John Travolta being badass because...well. He's awesome. And I missed him in being in genuinely cool roles. The problem with age is a lot of these cool actors are getting thrown into things like Wild Hogs (2007). Please no. Anyway, I wasn't crazy about this one either. The plot was convoluted, I wasn't following it, and I just wasn't really into the main character. It helps that I'm not a big Rhys fan.

Gemma Arterton wins most ethereal voiceovers of 2010. 

Clash of the Titans.
Worst gay romantic comedy of 2010. 

Sam Worthington was his normal sexy self, Liam Neeson was a perfect casting for Zeus, and Ralph Fiennes had so much chemistry with Neeson I'm pretty sure Zeus and Hades are gay for each other. However. The overall concept of the movie was a little absurd--fight the gods? What are you going to do, spit back into the sky when it starts raining? Not to mention, it just...that's not...that's not how the ancient people felt about the gods! They worshipped them instead of tried to kill them. Because they knew better.

The Expendables.
Biggest disappointment of 2010.
I would say more, but I've already complained for 1,300 words. 

BLEH OF 2010.

Knight & Day.
Best plane crash.

I actually quite liked this one. I can't help it, I think Tom Cruise is a legitimately good actor when he's not being a crazy Scientologist. He plays a great dick. I point anyone in the direction of Tropic Thunder (2008) who thinks otherwise. In any case, I was glad to see him in a comedic Mission Impossible-esque movie. And I think he played it off well. The best part of this movie, though, was the action. They had some brilliant action sequences, best of all the tight fighting in the plane aisle. Overall, the script was a little predictable, and some of the comic moments were pushed too far, but nonetheless, it was a fun movie.

Jonah Hex.
Best excuse for Megax Fox to slut it up in 2010.
So this is another movie that was, without a doubt, fun to watch. The only problem with it was that it never really...had much to ground it. The script's all over the place, it moves a little too quick, there's nothing really rooting the film down so we don't get the best over all sense of it. Nonetheless, worth a rental.

Best 90 minutes ever.

The Wolfman.

Most halfhearted movie of 2010.
What this movie did best was confuse me. But I thought Benicio Del Toro was a great actor? And Anthony Hopkins? So why are they sucking in this movie? Especially when I thought Benicio Del Toro was a perfect fit for the Wolfman. Ah well. The funny thing is, this movie was saved by Agent Smith. I mean, Hugo Weaving. He was perfect. Just brilliant. I would've watched the movie ten times if it was just his character casually stuffing his pipe and smoking it for an hour and a half.

Karate Kid. 

Best kid abuse of 2010.
For what it was? A kid's action movie about karate? I actually loved it. I think the script was brilliant, the acting was fantastic (even though someone's been watching way too many of his dad's movies. On a loop), and it was just lots of fun. My only real complaint is the Karate Kid gets beat up for like the first 40 minutes of the movie and Jackie Chan doesn't get half as much action as he deserves. By which I mean karate fights, of course. Why not a teacher's standoff? I didn't get it. 

MOVIES I JUST DIDN'T GIVE A CHANCE.

So I don't know how many of you live in New York. But if you do, you're aware it costs an arm and a leg to go to the theaters. And, frankly, I like to have both arms and legs. Balance is a pretty big thing for me. So, there were a lot of movies this year that I just couldn't shell out the dough for. Any of these worth/not worth seeing?

Movies I legitimately meant to see: Repo Men, Kick-Ass, The Losers, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Red (fuck, how did I miss that one?), True Grit (I WILL see this one, just not before midnight).

Movies I kind of hoped to see: Legion, Cop Out, The Crazies, Predators, The Last Exorcism, The Town, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, Due Date.

Movies I went out of my way not to see: The Girl Who Played With Fire (need to read the book first. I'm one of those), Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (so I wasn't actually going to see this, but I feel like it deserved a mention because of the brilliant title), Takers (fucking Anakin), The American (I'm actually tired of George Clooney being awesome), The Tourist (fucking Angelina Jolie. I don't care if she was in Gia).

And to everyone--happy new year! Here's to hoping 2011 drags in some badass flicks. Until next year.