Fight Club Rule #4:

4. Your 3-D special effects will not save your lazy ass crap script. That's a trick you can only pull out of the hat once, and Avatar (2009) ate that rabbit.

"Oh, And One More Thing..."

SUCKER PUNCH (2011)

Images snagged from listal.

Yeah. I was psyched for this one. I bought my tickets, saw it opening night, I was there bouncing up and down with untamed excitement like everyone else. And, like everyone else, I was ultimately disappointed with the movie. It was confusing as fuck. I thought the prostitution bit was reality, not in Baby Doll's head, I was wrong, bite me. I didn't like the fact that the entire movie took place in Baby Doll's head, especially when it didn't really have much grounding in reality and a forced prostitution ring is kind of a crap alternate reality to escape to (unless you're into that kind of thing). Except for the two sisters, none of the characters had any chemistry, what so ever, and most didn't even have a personality. Which was too bad, because they looked like cool characters. But you know what? That's all general consensus at this point. Everyone agrees this is not a movie for the sober brain. And yes, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, it looked like it could've been really fucking epic if only someone had said, "Hey, Snyder, we need a bit of a plot here". But I'm over it. The thing is, when you get passed all the whining and groaning, it's a fun badass fucking movie. Pray tell, M., what makes this movie so badass? Well, since you asked...

WEIRD FIRE NINJAS

They're probably the least impressive of the alternate world monsters, but that's the way they're supposed to be. After all, this is our hook, our "training session", this is what draws us into Baby Doll's badass fucking mind. And the fight scene is not to be sneered at. She jumps right into it, automatically destroying anything that crosses her path. And maybe she gets knocked around a couple times, because you know, this is her first big fight and all, but it doesn't even register since she somehow knows how to wield that sword like a BAMF anyway. 

ZOMBIE ROBOT NAZIS

By far, my favorite "challenge" in Baby Doll's world. They're corpses that work on some clockwork steam thing that I don't understand, but it's badass and steam punk at its finest. I could literally spend the entire movie in this one challenge. It has everything I need to exist--nazis, zombies/robot things, elaborate nazi missions. It's. So. Fucking. Cool. THIS is why Baby Doll's brain is so amazing. The worlds she goes into, even for a brief moment in time, are ridiculously elaborate. Everything is so well imagined and thought out it's hard not to get completely caught up in the awesome that is her imagination. 

ORCS ARE BACK

So we're shamelessly digging into Lord of The Rings territory here, but hey. I missed those ugly bastards just as much as the next moviegoer. And we have a cool dragon fight, so. I'm not really complaining. Though I would've thought Mama Dragon would...you know. Kinda protect her Baby Dragon a little better? Instead of just getting revenge once all was said and done. But hey. We get a cool airplane fight out of it, so I'm there. 

GLASS ROBOTS WITH GUNS

Life is not easy for glass robots. They shatter every time a fat lady sings. But as soon as you put guns in their hands, whoa. Look out. And this is what I'm talking about, design wise--the world is amazing. Not only are they glass robots, but they're also on this intricate interplanetary train ride, and everything is set up perfectly in tune with the world, down to their guns which resemble those fake plastic things you can no longer buy at kid's stores (thanks a bunch, fun-hating Bloomberg). 

THIS GUY

Scott Glenn. You are badass. And I want you to be my power animal. That is all. 

THE SCORE

What can I say? It kept me hooked in the movie. It's definitely going to be an "acquired taste" soundtrack, but it wasn't just "background music" to keep the movie going. The film definitely wielded the music with just as strong of a hand as it did the visuals, and the two worked together to keep adrenaline pumping high at all times. And you know what? It worked. For the last half of the movie, my heart was pounding and I went into a testosterone high overdose. True story.

BITCHES DONE DIED

So for the first half of this movie I was like "Wow, this is some cutesy teenbopper movie now?". I mean, we had the rabbit face on the machine, which I get, and we were bleeping out every curse with a "Mother--!", which I can understand as well. But Baby Doll was just too perfect, and I wasn't buying it. Everyone was in love with her, she just felt like a bit of a Mary Sue. And then bitches started dying. Rabidly. And suddenly I was invested. I mean, halfway through the movie, and suddenly this movie that was cute with a gritty edge turned really fucking heavy. Technically, I shouldn't have been so gutted when these personality-less characters died, and maybe it was just because they all had cool names, but I still felt it. When these strong, powerful girls sacrificed themselves, or were even killed mercilessly by some dick who had an inferiority complex. The point is, we graduated from fluffy cotton candy chick flick to a serious epic movie where lives were at stake. The shift was sudden, it was dramatic, and it made me respect the movie all the more for it. 

I FELT LIKE A PEDOPHILE

I don't know how old Emily Browning is. Early 20s or something. So technically, since she's no longer jailbait, so I shouldn't feel this bad for having the hots for her character. But when you call the character Baby Doll, dress her up in little cute outfits fit for a slutty teaparty, yeah. But Baby Doll is so hot, I'm really not complaining. 

In short? I know everyone said this movie sucked. But go see it. Enjoy it. Maybe take a flask with you to get through the plotty bits. Nonetheless, it's a fun fucking movie, it's action packed, it has an amazing world and heroic young female characters (now we'll just wait idly for Hanna for a real badass female heroine). It's worth a view on a big screen. And you want to know the best part about it? It's not in motherfucking 3D. Take THAT!

Upcoming Attractions For 2011.

UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS

I know. I almost cried when 2010 was over too. But there is hope! 2011 is officially here, folks, and it looks like it's going to be a good year for conspiracy theories, CIA plots, and lots, and lots of little green men from outer-space. Prepare to get spacey. I give you the trailers worth watching of 2011, in order of release date. The ones I'm head-over-heels in love with already and will definitely see no matter what have (*) symbols in front of them.

*The Green Hornet. (Jan 14th) I've basically ranted my head off about this movie already. There's nothing more to say except: I will most probably see everything that comes out this year with Christoph Waltz in it. That is all.

The Mechanic. (Jan 28th) So I won't actually be waiting in the rain for days for this one. But a hitman revenge story is always a good thing. Double points if it has Jason Statham in it.

The Rite. (Jan 28th) Because who doesn't love a good devil-meets-girl movie? Especially when fucking Anthony Hopkins is in it. He'll eat your soul with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Unknown. (Feb 18th) Very The Fugitive. So glad Liam Neeson is getting roles as the badass he is. I've loved him as an action movie actor ever since Hannibal, and I'm glad he's actually getting paid just to be his awesome self.

*Drive Angry. (Feb 25th) I cannot even begin to express how fucking excited I am for this movie. The Grindhouse style voice over in the fucking trailer, the clever and yet ridiculous dialogue, the campy characters, the comedic yet intimidating bad guy, Nic Cage being a BAMF...I think my ovaries just exploded all over the place. "What's he gonna do...not let me back in?" I need this. In my life. Now.

The Adjustment Bureau. (March 4th) So Matt Damon isn't my favorite person ever, but this looks like it has the potential to be interesting. Inception meets The Matrix meets...I don't know what? If I run out of things to see, this looks like it wouldn't be a complete waste of time.

*Battle: Los Angeles. (March 11th) Definitely wins freakiest fucking trailer so far. Apparently, tis the year for aliens. But really. The music. I'm simultaneously scared for my life and hot for Michelle Rodriguez.

*Sucker Punch. (March 25th) I'm not going to lie, it took me a moment to warm up to this one. I mean, Vanessa Hudgens, Emily Browning? Aren't these teenybopper kids? But...I can't deny it, it looks badass. And, as my girlfriend pointed out, it would be good for them to be able to shed the teenybopper status and actually show that girls can really be cool without worrying about looking like real life Barbie Dolls. It's about time young girls got some real rolemodels.

Source Code. (April 15th) Ah, my favorite gay cowboy. And it just so happens that I love Michelle Monaghan, who I don't think many people are very familiar with but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang anyone? It's an interesting concept, let's see if it pans out.

Fast Five. (June 10th) I don't want to want this. I really, really don't. The first Fast And Furious movie was fun for what it was. But after that they went to shit and I just stopped paying attention. Well. This movie had the balls to catch my attention. Crap.

*Cowboys and Aliens. (July 29th) Another one I've been wetting myself like a baby over. I don't really know what to say about it except that it kills me. Every time. I'm blow away the the sheer awesomeness of it. 

Fair Game. (Nov 5th) They're really milking this one, releasing the trailer almost a year in advance [edit: I am a fucking retard, this movie game out Nov 5th...2010. No wonder! Scratch this one off your to-see list, but maybe add to the to-rent list?]. It's one of those political scam movies, which I'm not a big fan of. I had a hard time even giving Bourne Identity a chance, which I know makes me a bad action movie lover. But I do like Sean Penn? I might find a reason to see this movie eventually.

Alright. So there's a lot of conspiracy theory/aliens/alternate reality mumbojumbo this year. But you know what? I'm not complaining. It looks pretty fucking awesome. And I'm sure come summer we'll get a slew of good old fashioned kick-in-the-teeth nail-gun-to-the-head actions movies with bang and breasts. And I can't fucking wait.