And Then A Wild Merman Appears!

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2011)

Image from empireonline.com.

Let's start this off by saying: I'm shamelessly, shamelessly biased when it comes to Joss Whedon. Really. The man has my heart and then some. If I could somehow steal the brain cells from Joss Whedon, Quentin Tarantino, and Guy Ritchie and inject them into my own skull, I'd probably be set for life. Robert Rodriguez can come too. The point is, Joss Whedon can do no wrong. I was destined to love this movie at first sight.

With that said, Joss Whedon isn't the only one who brings something to the table. Here are my five main reasons why I absolutely loved this one:

1. Men Behind The Curtain

It's one thing to create a mysterious evil company that does evil, mysterious things. It's another thing to create a mysterious evil company that does hilarious, common day workplace things and still maintains and aura of evil mystery. Despite the fact that the organization is clearly completely evil, you can't help but be fascinated, mortified and mildly endeared by their daily shenanigans. Even though we were supposed to be rooting for our friends in the woods, I would've been okay with watching the psychopathic puppeteers the entire time.

2. Dat Ass

Just when I thought a woman making out with a mounted animal head could not possibly be sexy...it is. Or maybe it's just the fact that she engages in a couple minutes of shameless ass shaking over the fireplace. Either way...you go, Anna Hutchison. Keep up the good ass. 

3. Fran Kranz

Here's the thing. Since I'm in the middle of watching Dollhouse (2009) on Netflix (hello, Joss Whedon fixation), I kind of already have a man-crush on Fran Kranz. So the fact that he spent the whole movie smoking up and trolling everyone made me adore him even more. The rest of the cast was good, don't get me wrong. Kristen Connolly was wide-eyed. Jesse Williams was...there. Chris Hemsworth was Chris Hemsworth. But, in my biased opinion, Kranz kind of stole the show. Plus, he has a pipe that transforms into a coffee mug. Now I know what I'm asking Santa for this year.

4. Motherfucking Merman

If you're going to have a creature movie, you've got to have excellent creatures. The zombies were cool. Particularly for their pain fetish. But things really got awesome when we got to see all the different creatures tucked away "downstairs." Most are familiar, but there were a few inventive scares that I had to give the movie props for. I, for one, wasn't actually really scared by this movie, but that doesn't mean I couldn't appreciate good creature designs. And if you have any doubts about the creatures, let me list off a couple creature names from the behind the scenes: Angry Molesting Tree, Balding Menace, Face Peeler, Man In Transparent Tarp, Exploding Shard Babies, and Snake Pubic Hair Woman. C'mon. I want a Cabin in the Woods II just so we can get more insane creature screen time.

And then there's the Merman. The most satisfying creature in the movie. You're waiting for it. Waiting for it. And then when it appears...it's more amazing than you anticipated. Karma wrapped up in a slimy, fanged, fishy mess. And the blowhole. THE BLOWHOLE. A thousand female fantasies suddenly sunk to the bottom of the lake and I absolutely loved it.

5. More Than Meets The Eye

At the end of the day, there's a reason Joss Whedon gets all my love. It's because he's a brilliant writer who has the uncanny ability to create deceptively simple stories with incredibly complex undertones. The Cabin in the Woods is, on the surface, a flawless, by-the-book shameless teenagers-meet-scary-cabin movie. We've got our stereotypical jocks, sluts, nerds, virgins, and that-best-friend-with-a-heart-of-gold. Hell, we've even got the old, gnarly man at the gas station who warns the teens of what lies ahead. And yet, it's so much more than that. On one hand, it's a borderline spoof of cabin-in-the-woods movies, entangled with a social commentary on our culture's voyeurism and lack of empathy. It's horror with touches of science fiction and a generous splash of comedy. And it works. Joss Whedon's talent truly lies his ability to create multiple layers all while making it look easy.

Basically, though I was probably one of the last people to see Cabin in the Woods and it was in grave danger of getting overhyped, it still managed to keep me hooked and then some. Which says a lot. Overall, I'd call this a successful satire, if not a successful, solid horror film in its own right. And Sigourney Weaver. I rest my case.

Don't Mistake My Appetite For Apathy!

THOR (2011)

Powerful. Epic. Alcoholic.

In antici....pation for the badfuckingass Avengers (2012) movie coming out, directed by the man I'd go intellectually straight for, Joss Whedon, I've decided to do a little catching up. To be honest, I was generally doing my best to avoid ever having to see Thor (2011). I'm not a huge comic book geek--I'll sell out to see the movies, but that's about as far as I go. And usually, I do dig on comic book movies--but generally stay to the grittier side of things (Frank Miller, I'm looking at you). So as much as I am a 12 year old boy from time to time, I couldn't leave a trail of candy tempting enough to get the kid in me to shell out the big bucks for this one. With that said, I did shell out the small bucks to rent it...and was glad that I did.

God of Thunder meets House of Pancakes.

This movie's saving grace really lies in its great sense of humor. Here's what I expected: a candy cane flavored bucket of made-for-3D action figures come to life. Here's what I got: a movie that didn't take itself too seriously and had a hell of a lot of fun being itself. I mean, really. How do you portray someone like THOR, who speaks in all caps and demands a stage worthy of his all powerful Godly presence? Well, you strip him of his powers, throw him down in the middle of bumfuck America, and watch him stumble around like a self-important drunkard. Instead of trying to compete for the spotlight with Iron Man and Captain America, Thor made the very wise choice to be the comedy relief of the bunch. The movie is littered with moments of brilliant, hilarious script writing, and I found myself literally laughing out loud as Thor demanded a dog, cat, or bird "big enough to ride" out of the pet store.

On the topic of the God himself, a moment for Chris Hemsworth. Alright, so Thor wasn't exactly a huge departure from his last big role of Kirk in Star Trek (2009). Still, he was somehow totally unrecognizable (must be the facial hair), and there wasn't a second that I didn't believe he was a giant, self important Norse God. He owned the role of Thor, and added a level of humor and humanity to the character that sold me. Onto the rest of the Thor family. I did not recognize Anthony Hopkins. Maybe I'm getting old, or he is. Either way, it wasn't until the credits started rolling did I actually recognize my friend Hannibal. So he spent most of the movie in a Odincoma, but hey. He was larger than life and just as badass when he was on his feet. Thor's evil little brother, Loki, was brilliant. Helmed by Tom Hiddleston, the man did killer job. As someone not familiar with the comics, I was pleased with the neat little twist in the simple fact that Loki...wasn't really a bad guy. At least, not in the beginning anyway. At the start of the movie you're going "Well, shit. Thor's off his fucking rocker, give the throne to Loki, he's the only sensible one in the bunch". And he's got that innocent face, that gentle expression...that is, until he turns into a maniacal little bastard. In short, I'm stoked to see him kick ass in Avengers.

Guarding gay bridges and taking names.

Outside the Thor family, we have some more great actors. I've already got a massive love affair with Idris Elba thanks to the work he's done with Guy Ritchie, and so I was overjoyed to see him kick ass as Heimdall, the gatekeeper. Seriously. He was the most badass part of the movie. Dude was so cool as the stoic, powerful, and justice-abiding Heimdall, I'd trust him with the gate of the universe any day of the week. Thor's band of merry warrior friends were also great--I don't know if it was the acting or the script, but you really got the sense that they would all live and die for each other. And I'm more or less just salivating over Sif, played by the beautiful Jaimie Alexander. Now that's a badass warrior woman. She had no love interest, just intense bromances, and a warrior's heart. Badfuckingass. For a super hero movie, I've got to give this one props for the way it treats its woman folk. Even Thor's love interest, Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), does a lot of standing on her own two feet. So, yes, she is a bit Mary Suey from time to time. But she does have her research that she cares about more than anything, and that has to count for something, right? I'll also note here that Natalie Portman stuck out like a sore thumb from time to time. I love the woman to pieces, and she did a great job. But that's just it. After winning the academy award for best actress, it's a little hard not to do a double-take when you see her in a super hero movie. Not to...diss super hero movies. But you know what I mean. Pressing on...

Now for the downside. The plot was too twisted. I didn't really get it. Something about...Frost Giants...rainbow bridges...you had to read the comic to understand, apparently. By the time the third act came around, I was more or less completely lost. But the thing was, that didn't really matter. You got the references or you didn't, Thor didn't really bother so much trying to put all their eggs in the plot basket. So they did something I actually have to give them respect for--they said "fuck this shit with the plot, the only ones who really care about plot are the comic book geeks who've seen it already. Instead, let's just build strong characters and a strong script". Which is really more than you can ask for in a superhero movie. All in all, more or less all over the place narrative-wise, but a fun as hell movie and good for a few unexpected laughs.

Did I mention she's badass?