The Lost Art Of The Bad Movie.

THIS MEANS WAR (2012)

It's not about the size of the gun. Er. Mostly.

So here's the deal. I didn't particularly want to see this one. Anyone could tell from the trailer that it was going to be another poor attempt at bringing "guy's night" to "date night". The girls will like it because it's a romance with hunks Chris Pine and Tom Hardy and the guys will like it because it's got, like, things-that-go-boom and, like, stuff, right? Oh my god, gag me with a spoon! Anyway, the plus side of moving to Atlanta is living with my girl, spending time with her, doing lesbian things like petting cats and driving pick ups and going to Home Depot just for the lumber smells. The downside is compromise, which means watching The Bachelor, Dr. Phil, and romantic comedies like This Means War. And so I bit the bullet and took her out to the theaters. We got popcorn, sat in the back, held hands. And then something really strange happened. I enjoyed it. And everything Dr. Phil says is right.

I know what you're thinking. M., you've gone soft. Mushy. Soon you'll be putting up The Powerpuff Girls as your BAMF of the week and whining about The Walking Dead would be better if there wen't so many icky, decomposing zombies. Wrong. Trust me, I wanted this movie to be godawful. I wanted to bitch about Reese Witherspoon's face. I wanted to leave the theater and find a toothpick to lobotomize the part of my brain that had processed the last two hours.

And then Til Schweiger stepped in the room.

As someone who doesn't familiarize themselves with German comedies on a regular basis, this is what I saw when he came on screen:

So we've got Hugo Stiglitz, Kirk, and Eames all in one movie. I'm suddenly feeling a little more confident about my chances of making it out of here alive. The plot runs something like this: Tom Hardy and Chris Pine play two CIA spies who work well together and have a great "playboy vs. professional" bromance going. COOL. Heinrich (Hugo Stiglitz) is the evil German who is doing...something...ambiguous and evil. COOL. All goes to hell when Reese Witherspoon's face shows up and the two spies fight for her affection. NOT COOL.

I'll start with the positive. The acting was, of course, spot on. Tom Hardy has yet to disappoint me, and since he's been everything from Handsome Bob to Bronson, I can cut the man a little slack. He's about to be the lead villain in a fucking Batman movie, I don't think anyone's worried about his career going into the shitter because of one Valentine's day ploy of a romantic comedy. And, quite frankly, he plays so many eccentric, bold characters, it was kind of nice to see him play the family man with a stick up his ass. Chris Pine (also soon-to-be in the Star Trek sequel...I'm not too worried about him) played his usual bad boy with a heart of gold demeanor, so I knew he'd pull it off well. Hugo Stiglitz is a fucking badass, so his presence was enough to keep me entertained even if his role was shoved a little too far under the rug.

Then there's Reese Witherspoon. I normally don't hold grudges against actors because they can't always help the roles they're giving. But really, bitch? Really? She's made an entire career out of playing dumb blondes and Mary Sues. If her characters weren't annoying enough, you can't even throw in the towel and say "well, she may be a shit actress, but at least I'll have a nice pair to stare at for a couple hours." No. She's intentionally irritating and somehow makes a lot of money. I don't get it. Her character might as well have just been played by a Hallmark that opens up every once in a while to deliver a cheesy pre-recorded romantic line. At least it would've been an interesting romance, as inanimate objects are all the rage these days.

Why does this look familiar?

But the good acting (and the irritating acting) didn't surprise me. They're big names. I expected it. What I didn't expect was for the script to be...well. Actually good. Let me explain what I mean by "good" in this context. This wasn't, in any way, shape, or form Apocalypse Now. Instead, it was a movie that knew exactly how crappy it was, and so strived to be the most entertaining crap it could be. And you know what? I was entertained. It's been a long time since we've had bad movies that are actually enjoyable. Instead, we get crap like Priest (2011), a movie that might've been good if they had just cracked a smile. Bad movies have got to stop taking themselves seriously. Let's face it, Expendables, you're all classic heroes and I will root for you all the way, but John McClane didn't become the ultimate badass by standing there with his hands on his hips and waiting for his Oscar moment. I've got a shit ton more respect for a movie that pokes fun at itself than I do for a movie that rocks back and forth on the highest of high horses for two hours. Which is the long way of saying This Means War knew exactly what it was, it knew that it was ridiculous, and it let itself be just that. Ridiculous, good fun. Did the romance fall short? Sure, but no one was expecting this to be the next great love story. So they played up the bromance, which, since helmed by two excellent actors, was perfectly believable and actually gave us something to root for. And then when the audience started to nod off, they upped the ante with another scene of Hugo Stiglitz being badass, which worked to wake everyone back up again.

Is this the movie of the year? No, it isn't. Hell, I won't even suggest you pay good bucks to see it in theaters. But I will tell you that, in case you're dragged along to see it, maybe leave the do-it-yourself lobotomy kit at home. You might surprise yourself by catching a glimpse of an increasingly endangered species in cinema, the good bad movie. 

"I Know Who You Are."

TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY (2011)

Image from buffalonews.com

Who is the mole? Was Control paranoid or on to something? Who has Irina? How can I get this popcorn bit out of my teeth? Tinker, Tailer, Soldier, Spy (2011) was a brilliantly crafted British mystery of epic proportions. But as the ticking clock of the case winds down and we all put our teletypes to sleep, the burning question remains. What is it about Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy that makes it such a damn good movie? To uncover the answer, we must first sift through the clues:

CLUE #1: The return of good old fashioned spies.

Svetlana Khodchenkova.

As everyone knows, I thoroughly enjoyed both versions of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. But you've got to admit it, mysteries just aren't quite as fun as they used to be. What do I mean by that? Well...let's take a personal favorite of mine, Angel Heart (1987). The movie takes place in the 50s, a grand time when computers didn't exist and Mickey Rourke still looked pretty. He plays a detective who isn't afraid to do the leg work--he talks to people, he taps his contacts, and he goes to New Orleans and back again to solve his case. Now cut to 2011. You can google anything you want to know. Better yet, if you're a hacker like Lisbeth Salander, you can type some fancy green code into your computer and solve the case from the comfort of your own couch. The biggest obstacle she ever had to overcome in digging up information was how long it would take her to weed out the viruses Mikael uploads every time he clicks a popup that tells him he's their 100th viewer. There's just not enough privacy left in the world for there to be any sort of good mystery stories. So, sure, the movie moves a little slow, but it's quite literally a nice change of pace.

CLUE #2: The faces.

I don't think I have to tell anyone the most obvious draw of this movie--the star-studded cast. Sure, there were the big bold letter names that appeared on the posters, but it was all about the little guys too. We had hey, you, crazy old man and why the long face? kid and the other Truman Capote. Not to mention good ol' Tommy Boy and aren't you a Bond henchman yet you terrifying man? And then there were the woman, the brilliant could she be any more British? Burke and positively stunning Svetlana Russianrussianrussian. I don't know who this Svetlana chick is, but I will be the first to say I told you so when someone shoves her in a phone booth and transports her back to the 70s, because they could not have chosen a woman more perfect for the time period. The best part about each and every actor? They were all great. Every single player in this movie. Not only were they great, but they all kept in the tone of the movie. The casting was excellent, and they blending in with the scenery perfectly.

Image from clothesonfilm.com.

CLUE #3: The faceless.

As in any good spy movie, the majority of the movie was a seesaw between what the audience got to see and what the audience didn't get to see. However, they took it a step further with this one and had some characters that only existed because we were told that they existed (and occasionally saw someone grab their ass). This worked and didn't worked for me. Where it worked: I liked that Ann didn't have a face. Great. This movie is stuffed with good British homoerotic tension as it is, let's just go all the way and leave the wives out of it. Ann was a traumatic event in Smiley's life, let's leave her at that.

Where it didn't work: Polyakov. So...I understand that the major villain is the mysterious mole. But Polyakov was still...a pretty major player. Right? I mean, they repeated his name enough times throughout the script to build me up to the feeling of wanting a little something out of this man. Even if he is a sideshow to raise the stakes. But when you drag him through the movie and then throw his face in there at the end just because you can...it just throws me. I can't really figure out why he was in the movie at all. Might as well have called him Mr. Big Russian Plot Device and left it at that.

Bromance is in the air.

CLUE #4: I didn't get it.

I mean, that's really the top mark of a good British spy movie, right? If you don't get it the first time around? I swear, every time I get into one of these movies, I tell myself I'll get it. I watched every fucking detail in this movie. I was waiting for someone's head to get caught in the lift. Yet...when it came down to the whodunit, I just didn't get it. I did understand his motivations, and frankly I didn't entirely understand exactly what he did (read: what he did that the others didn't). This will all make zero sense if you haven't seen the movie, and probably if you have seen the movie. Still, despite the build up, despite everything the fact that every detail seemed extraordinarily deliberate, I was left with that "Hmm...interesting?" feeling. I trusted the writer on this one, and still he managed to pull the rug out from under my feet. Dammit. Now I'm going to have to see it again just to see if it makes any more sense the second go-around.

CLUE #5: Badasses got their due recognition.

There were four people that really made this movie for me. Tom Hardly, but he's almost an honorable mention by this point, isn't he? Not because he wasn't good--he was--but we expect him to rock on with his badass self, he can really do no wrong in anyone's eyes. Even if it means going ginger. But it was Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, and Mark Strong who really ran away with it for me. Why? Because we know they're all very good, but it's been a long time since we've seen them all this good, and on such a grand scale. Yes, yes, Colin Firth is just winding down from an Oscar, but even in The King's Speech (2010) he was playing...Colin Firth. As we know him and love him. That charming, fumbling, adorable British man. This movie? Not so much.

All the movie snobs know Gary Oldman is a badass, but...I still get the feeling that your average American audience member hasn't quite caught on, just because they can't recognize him from one movie to the other (you old chameleon, you). Well. This movie certainly set him on the map. Lastly, Mark Strong we know and love, but only as the stone cold fox of a villain who beats up little kids. I mean, unless you've seen Revolver (2005), but who watches existential British gangster films anymore (SEE IT, BITCHES). Here, he gets a character with emotional turmoil, with deep, human issues. And...well. He does it all in style. Only he could be simultaneously trailer trash scrubbing mud off his boots and the classiest man on the screen.

Being a BAMF.

Conclusion: Mark Strong is one classy motherfucker. Gary Oldman too.

CASE CLOSED.

Reason #245 Why The Brits Do It Better.

THE TAKE (2009)

Image from guardian.co.uk

So I'm cheating a little here. The Take (2009) isn't so much a movie as it is a four part miniseries which featured on the UK's Sky1. It's got the gangster intricacies of The Godfather (1972), but with a bonus of intense family sexual drama and Tom Hardy from Inception (2010). It runs a little something like this: Freddie (Tom Hardy) has just gotten out of prison and he's ready to get back into illegal action. Except this time, he's taking his unwitting cousin, the smart but too-loyal-for-his-own-good Jimmy (Shaun Evans), down with him.

Freddie is one hell of a character. He really is. First of all, he enters back into the real world after spending four years behind bars, and he doesn't play it safe. He doesn't settle in the bushes to take scope of how things have changed. Instead, he rips a hole into the neat, organized life of crime. Settling old vendettas, clashing against opposing mob factions, and killing his way to the top. And leaving Jimmy to sweep up the pieces. Where Freddie is the impulsive shoot-first-ask-question-never type, Jimmy is the brains of the business. He slowly moves up in rank and often works as a buffer between Freddie and their locked up boss, Ozzy (played by the ever talented Brian Cox). Which comes in handy when Freddie, you know. Kills a handful of "protected" people without a blink of his eyes.

Yes, it's all guns, drugs, and unfortunately sex for Freddie, which puts his wife, Jackie (Kierston Wareing from Fish Tank) through multiple jealous and paranoid fits of rage, cooled only by the liquid touch of the bottle to her lips. Jackie, who is just as volatile as her husband, somehow pulls herself together enough to take care of the four children Freddie barely brings himself to see (which gives their youngest son daddy issues with dire consequences). Lucky for Jackie, she has Maggie (Charlotte Riley), to look after her. Maggie, Jackie's little sister, Jimmy's fiancee, and the victim of Freddie's unwanted aggressive advances. It's an incestuous little circle they have, to say the least. Maggie proves to be the unspoken anchor of the family, taking care of her sister and giving Jimmy the confidence to pursue his own "career choices" (even if she doesn't quite agree with them...namely, the whole Freddie bit.)

Threatening promotional poster of awesome.

The performances are phenomenal. Tom Hardy, in short, is off the hook. You thought he was good in Inception (2010)? Oh no. Oho no. He's fantastic in this role. Playful enough that we want to like him, but with an uncontrolled psychopathic edge that leaves us wanting to run very quickly in the opposite direction. He reflects every one of this man's thousand different sides--sadistic, vulnerable, lonely, rebellious, humorous, protective, psycho-crazy. You name it, he's got it. Shaun Evans also pulls of an amazing performance, but can't help but be constantly muted in Tom Hardy's shadow. Which is the point of his character, so he pulls it off well. When Hardy is not on the screen, however, the girls steal the show. Charlotte Riley (who, funny enough, is currently engaged to Tom Hardy) is absolutely fantastic. I'm not sure where she's been all my life. But she nails some of the most utterly painful scenes in the movie and sinks them in to the hilt. Lastly, a mention to Brian Cox, who does the cold and calculated thing like a boss, and Kierston Wareing, who is still doing a good job convincing me she'd be a shit mother, yet somehow comes across as a very strong and sympathetic character by the end.

The reason I claim the Brits do it better is this: it has all the makings of something we've seen before. Gangsters. Estranged loyalties. Twisted "family" dynamics. The old killers slowly dying while the new ones crawl in with the taste of blood. However, this one story is simply crafted so bloody well (as they say). The story is intricate and rich with strain. We feel for every single one of these characters; no one is a saint, and no one is a sinner. Where at one point we'll love a certain character, in the next ten minutes we might find a reason to hate that character. They all do a complete 360, which is what I find most compelling about the story. But don't for a second mistake this for a slow-paced family drama. This is the brilliant part of it. The miniseries moves so damn fast, keeping the viewer on the edge, that once you're hooked in it's really hard to stop. It is, in the most basic sense, a gangster movie, and never forgets that. Yet the guns and drugs are somehow interwoven seamlessly with the character drama, which is what makes this show absolutely brilliant.

If you love gangsters, violence, and Tom Hardy, this is one you'll enjoy. However, if you love gangsters, violence, Tom Hardy, and extraordinarily complex characters, this is a must see. I will give one warning though, and that is that this series is not for the squeamish. The violence is both physical and sexual, and some of the deaths are...well. Just plain twisted. But they carry so much emotional weight, I promise it's worth it. Plus, this series pulls of an ending I've never seen any other gangster film even try to attempt. I'm just saying. Do we have any feminists in the house?

Top Five Badasses Who Don't Know It

TOP FIVE BADASSES WHO DON'T KNOW IT

This is a quick and dirty list of a few actors I don't think get enough recognition for being downright awesome. These are people who for years have been skipped over, making maybe one or two really "big time" movies and then falling into dust for no good reason whatsoever. In no particular order, I give you a couple names I feel everyone should know better.

1. Michael Madsen.

"You gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?"

Why we love him: his ability to be ruthless and sadistic while wearing those puppy eyes.

Classics: The ear slice from Reservoir Dogs (1992), the proposal from Thelma & Louise (1991), the tits full of rocksalt in Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004).

Where's he at?: The made-for-tv lifetime movie, Christmas Crash (2009)? Really? Is everyone so afraid he'll cut into them if they try to film with him? The last remotely badass role of his was voicing the wolf Maugrim in Chronicles Of Narnia (2005). C'mon. 

2. Tim Roth.

"The point of the story isn't the little girl, the point of the story is they robbed a bank with a telephone."

Why we love him: his devilish smile, his British accent, his professional acting skills. 

Classics: Imagonnadie! in Reservoir Dogs (1992), Pumpkin at the diner in Pulp Fiction (1994), the sound of his suffering in Funny Games (2007).
Where's he at?: Currently staring in the constantly-on-the-verge-of-being-cancelled tv show Lie To Me. I am actually one of the few who watch the show and enjoy it, but I can still recognize that he deserves better than his lot in cinema. Instead, it seems he'll go down in history as that guy who's face you see everywhere, but you can never quite place. 

3. Summer Glau.
"Please, God, make me a stone."

Why we love her: her badass gymnastics, the fact that she looks absolutely lethal with a gun, her crazy.
Classics: her behind-the-pole kick in Serenity (2005), her epic awesomeness in Firefly (2002-3), apparently Dollhouse (2009-10)--though I wouldn't be able to vogue for that.
Where she at?: TV, generally. Which is fine, since that seems to be where she wants to be, but she should still have directors knocking down her door. Plus, she had an unfortunate stint with The Sarah Connor Chronicles (2008). She can do better than that.

4. Peter Greene.

"Ice this deadbeat!"

Why we love him: I'll admit this is a little personal vendetta of mine. But I loved him in The Mask, which I saw way too many times as a kid, and he was always the ultimate bad guy in my head. And then I saw him in The Bounty Hunter and knew I had to get revenge for this atrocity on his career. 

Classics: Dorian's growl in The Mask (1994), Zed the rapist from Pulp Fiction (1994).

Where's he at?: The Bounty Hunter (2010). Unfortunately.

5. Norman Reedus.
"And we will send you to whatever god you wish."

Why we love him: his ability to be both extremely sweet and a systematic assassin.
Classics: his terrifying bible recitations from The Boondock Saints (1999).
Where he at?: Let's face it. Most of the cast of Boondock Saints seems to have gotten shafted for no real reason except that they're all Irish or something. But he's currently in The Walking Dead, which you all know is massive cool points to me. Nonetheless, before that, he had credits that read like this: American Gangster (2007)--Detective in Morgue. Like our friend Tim Roth, he seems doomed to be another nameless face in the cinematic graveyard.

Honorable Mention: Tom Hardy

"You musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling."

Why we love him: his bod. His accent. His risky roles and ability to pull all of them off.

Classics: his muscles in Bronson (2008), his ambiguous sexuality in RocknRolla (2008), and his dreaminess in Inception (2010). 

Where he at?: Tom Hardy would be on this list if Inception hadn't put him on the map. And his upcomings look good--he's even rumored for the next Batman, The Dark Knight Rises (2010). Congratulations, Tom Hardy, I don't think you're going to leave the public eye for a good long time.

That's my list, filled with personal quarrels with the movie industry. Anyone here already too big for their britches? What're some other actors who are consistently pushed out of the spotlight?