Double O Who?

DOUBLE O WHO?

The bell tolls on yet another Bond Thanksgiving marathon. Yet, here I am, still clucking for my 007 fix. And so--a little fun (and you thought Christmas only came once a year?). I decided to get creative and do a little recasting of the Bond films--or possibly do a little casting for Bond 23 (fuck MGM). The thing is: I really don't have any qualms about Bond as-is. In fact, I give all the actors in the latest Bond films lots of love. But here's my attempt at stretching my imagination with a little "what-if" scenario. And so, if Daniel Craig got voted off the island for being too blonde, Jeffery Wright got crushed under a hugh pile of underrated, and Judi Dench exploded in a cloud of badass, I would hope the new cast would look something like this...

James Bond.

Michael Fassbender.

I know, I know. Hang me, gut me, and tar and feather me as you drag my corpse down the cobblestone streets. But he's not British!!! Well. Technically. No. But either was Pierce Brosnan, the Irish bastard, and he was the posterchild for everything people who don't watch James Bond films associate with James Bond. Fassbender may be German-Irish, but as we well know from films like Inglourious Basterds and Fish Tank, his British accent is dead-on. He's suave as all hell, he plays arrogant ridiculously well, he has great comedic timing...and...well. Just look at him. Yeah. I rest my case. 

M.

Dame Maggie Smith.

As I've stated before, no one, and I mean, no one could replace Judi Dench. She's classy, she's a dame, she's able to be feminine and yet powerful at the same time. No one else could whip Bond's ass while powdering her face. Well. Almost no one. Maggie Smith is really the only woman who I know who could take Dench's place as M. She's powerful, authoritative, and she's Judi Dench's BFF. If Maggie Smith is good enough for M., she's good enough for me. 

Q.

Hugh Laurie.

So what's the deal? Two Bond movies and no Q.? My thoughts exactly. But Hugh Laurie's got it. And I'm not talking about House M.D. I'm talking about the Hugh Laurie from his earlier stuff like Jeeves And Wooster who was British, spastic, just plain ridiculous (though, technically, Jeeves and Wooster also makes a good case for Stephen Fry). As dark and gritty as this new James Bond is,  I think it'd be nice to have some lighthearted Q. action. 

Miss Moneypenny.

Jamie King.

She's sexy, cute, and hilarious. Sure, she doesn't really get credit where credit is due in her movies at all. But she's actually an incredibly underrated actress and her comic timing is just spot on. I refer any and everyone to Kitchen Confidential who disagree with me. The only trouble with casting her would be trying to figure out why Bond doesn't tap that. 

Bond Girl.

Rose McGowan.

Finding a new Bond Girl was tricky and Rose McGowan is definitely an odd choice. The thing is, she's very...well. Funny. However, I think tossed in a serious role, she'd kick some major ass. And a little levity could balance out Craig's poutyness. Plus, she's sexy as hell. In Planet Terror, when the film burned up during her sex scene? Yeah. Everyone in the audience groaned. 

Felix Leiter.

Don Cheadle.

Don Cheadle is without a doubt the most underrated actor in recent years. He's wowed me in everything he's been in and too often been type casted as the "tough no-nonsense brotha". Well. Sorry, Cheadle, but I'm about to typecast you again. However, he's stern, yet always loveable, and an easy shoe-in for Leiter.

Villain.

Christoph Waltz.

I think you just have to look at the picture to know exactly what I'm talking about. Christoph Waltz is OLD FUCKING SCHOOL Bond villain. He's terrifying, and you do not want to be caught on the wrong side of him, and yet at the same time there's something utterly...campy about him. Something ridiculous. He could make a fool out of himself and make you piss yourself with fear at the same time. This must happen. 

Henchwoman.

Daryl Hannah.

C'mon. Just look at her. We saw her kick ass in Kill Bill Vol. 1, and then again in Kill Bill Vol. 2. She's evil, yet sexy as hell. With that perfect smug Bond Girl Villain smirk. So what if she's almost 50? MILF never looked so damn dangerously tempting. 

Henchman.

Til Schweiger.

I know, I know. Why don't I just rape the entire cast of Inglorious Basterds and get this lovefest over with? What is this, Bond directed by Tarantino? Alright. But Til Schweiger has proven his evil henchmanness way before Inglorious Basterds. He kicked Angelina Jolie's ass in Lara Croft: Cradle of Life. Or at least, he should have. He has the cold, intimidating thing about him. And the muscle. Daryl Hannah needs a meathead to back her up. 

What do you think? Have I nailed it or lost my mind completely? Who are your top choices? Come out, come out, you Bondians, I expect you to talk. 

Turkey Dinner: Shaken, Not Stirred.

CASINO ROYALE (2006)

Bond. James Bond.

Ah, Thanksgiving. To most, Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, to enjoy the company of family, and wear elastic waistband pants. To me, Thanksgiving means one thing: the James Bond marathon on Spike TV (which has been switched to the Syfy channel this year because Spike decided Gangland was a better way to celebrate Thanksgiving? Spike. C'mon). How this became an annual "thing" I'm not sure, I really don't know what British spies have to do with the most American tradition to date. Nonetheless, I find that every year my attempt to kick back and enjoy an epic 007 marathon is thwarted by the people who want to sit across from me and eat a giant turkey. Well. In attempt to get my Bond fix in DESPITE this alleged holiday called Thanksgiving, I decided to do a movie review of Casino Royale. Why Casino Royale? You might ask. It's recent, it's controversial, and it happens to be one of my favorite Bond movies. Groan. How unloyal of me to enjoy a Bond film that didn't have the God of all Bond, Sean Connery, in it, right? Well, I will not disagree with you there. Sean Connery is THE James Bond. However, I think the last two Bond movies have something very interesting going on in them that really switches up the entire franchise as we know it. 

We've seen it happening to other movies. Batman Begins (2005) is a great example. Do we remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger was Mr. Freeze, and not in the cool Terminator way, but in the Campy McCampster way? Or Adam West, the most hilarious and most schizophrenic Batman yet? Christopher Nolan took a sudden and extremely dark and serious turn with Patrick Bateman's heavy growl and angsty forehead. Tis the season for dark and angsty, and 007 picked it up right away. Despite the range of opinions on Daniel Craig's portrayal of James Bond, one thing is for certain: he definitely changed the face of 007 from here on out, and it's not because of the blonde hair. Casino Royale is dark, grimy, and deadly. Gone are the cartoonish (though classic) villains like Jaws and the near superhero Bond who drove invisible ice cars (good fucking riddance). Instead, we have a Bond who's actually human. The opening ten minutes literally demolish every Bond that's come before. Bond is sloppy, Bond has origins, Bond is devilishly clever instead of all out muscle. And it's like falling back in love after 20 years of marriage. 

Daniel Craig: the only 007 to steal the bathing suit shot from the Bond Girls.

Granted, I'm extraordinarily biased. I could see Daniel Craig as Bond the second he was cast, thanks to Layer Cake. I know there are a lot of people who have multiple problems with him, some of which I can't disagree with. Yes, I did miss the constant witty quips of the previous Bond movies, though they did make a real effort to toss them in there now and then. And yes, maybe Craig has a hard time smiling and therefore smirking arrogantly, which no Bond can be without. Nonetheless, I stand by him and hope to see him in many more Bond films to come. Also, Craig has voted for a gay Bond scene. I would literally die happy. Possibly in my theater seat. 

Pure Bond Girl glory.

Craig aside, the movie had a lot of great perks. Case in point, Vesper Lynd, played by the extraordinarily gorgeous Eva Green. She was a classic Bond Girl--sexy, sexy, and sexy. She also happened to be extremely clever and a nice counterpoint to Bond--both with her humanity and her willingness to constantly challenge him. Speaking of "origin" stories, it was nice to see a sort of...pre-Bond Bond. A Bond who developed trust issues with women thanks to a certain Vesper Lynd. Sure, he has a heavy petting session with Caterina Murino, but who wouldn't? Bond has a heart, to the point where he almost gets married. And not in the awkward On Her Majesty's Secret Service way. In a way that we go "Ahhh...now we understand where the womanizer comes from."

For some noteworthy moments, we got Jeffery Wright as Felix Leiter, which was a great choice. He's gruff, but has a great brotherly chemistry with 007. And Judi Dench, of course, returned as M. I hope that woman never leaves--there is really no other M. for me. Who doesn't love Bond bleeding some Mommy issues? Lastly, Le Chiffre. Overall, he's not so intimidating. He's clearly just a man who got himself in a bad spot and is currently paying hell for it. However, he does cry blood, and that's fucking great. It's a little nod to the comic book style Bond of simpler times. 

Lastly, some great moments. The card game was riveting, which is extraordinarily hard to do when it's...you know. A long card game in the middle of an action film. Also, the torture scene was great. Again. Never before has Bond had his masculinity so...well. Beaten. But he took it like a sport. I had the joy of seeing this scene with my grandmother. I'm pretty sure I traumatized her for the rest of her days.  

I could go on. Bond has a very special place in my heart and there's little I love more than ranting about it. However, I will just leave with a bit of advice for the next movies: Please, God, PLEASE give me Miss Moneypenny and Q back!!! You can reinvent Bond all you want, but they're classics. And Judi Dench, never die. That is all.