COWBOYS AND MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS!

COWBOYS & ALIENS (2011)

Cowboys & Aliens, Bond & Jones, how can this go wrong? Answer: it can't.

In one of the more pivotal moments of the film (which I won't give away--midnight showing at all, I'm actually being responsibly spoil free tonight), the mysterious Olivia Wilde grabs the cold, battle-hardened Daniel Craig by the arm and tells him the only way he can defeat the aliens is if he shuts off his brain. And, in many ways, that's really the only way to go into this movie. With an empty brain ready for some action. I'm not trying to downplay the movie in the slightest--on the contrary, I consider it a compliment. It was the best mindless, exciting, and all-out-fucking fun adventure film I've seen in recent history. Say what you want about your Casablancas and Gone With The Winds, at the end of the day there is really nothing better than a good "bad movie". You know what I'm talking about. Paint-by-numbers character arcs, snappy one-liners, and excessive, explosion action. The difference between this and less thrilling bad "bad movies" like Priest? You don't feel stupid for having seen this movie. Maybe you don't come out learning any life lesson besides how to kill creepy ass aliens, but you don't leave the theater feeling like you just sat through two hours of the director talking smack about you and your mother. In fact, if you're like me, you come out gearing up to see it again. On to the movie. 

COWBOYS

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The best part about this movie? It's exactly what you expect it to be. A homage to two different genres--old westerns and alien horror movies. As for the old western bit, they really pulled out all the stops. We've got your typical lone wolf John Wayne-type hero, the lassie dog that stands by his side, the kid from True Grit, Tonto from The Lone Ranger, the sherif, the barman, the candlestick maker. Anyone and everyone you'd every expect from a cowboy movie they piled up into this film. 

And, sure, maybe some of it didn't pay off 100%. Maybe they could've done without the whole "getting stoned with the Indians" bit. But considering the fact that it was such a campy homage and clearly not taking itself too seriously, you couldn't help but just keep along for the ride. Overall, I think their crowning achievement in the way of westerns had to go to the fact that they were able to make a real hero out of Daniel Craig's Jake Lonergan. It's all in the ending, really, and they could've gone completely Hollywood with it and gave us the mass produced slop your average modern day audience is used to ingesting. No, instead, we get the clop of Jake's hoofs, and you get the satisfied feeling of a campy homage done right. 

ALIENS

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First thing's first: the aliens were fucking creepy! And I'm not talking "creepy for a bad movie" creepy. Not even "they popped up in random places and scared the crap out of me" creepy. I'm talking "genuine creature movie creature" creepy. The cowboys half might've been a bit on the campy side, but they took their aliens dead seriously. I don't know who designed those bastards, but their ugly stomach arms got under my skin. They were ferocious, merciless, beasts of doom and destruction. And it wasn't like there was one main character dead for every twenty aliens they killed--oh, no, these bitches were indestructible, and they flattened our cowboy compadres. They were ugly, they had an (incredibly well designed) imaginative home base, and they flew ships that might've made reavers blush. The weird fishing lines they use to catch humans? Yeah. These bitches mean business.

One of the best things about this movie, without a doubt, was the action. The fight scenes were fantastic--the battles against the aliens themselves weren't only visually stunning, but emotionally harrowing. I'm not sure whether to credit the script or the director on that one, but either way, you feel the claustrophobic panic of being in a warzone of creatures bigger, stronger, and better than you. Sure, they get away with the old "peek-a-boo" alien here and there, but the main tug of the action lies in the mounting tension of it all. And, just for a last note on the aliens, the flashback scenes of the spaceship? Holy fucking God. Now that is what I call a proper alien abduction. Sodomized Hillbilly Hank ain't got nothin' on these guys. 

THE HUMANS

I've died and gone to heaven.

It's really hard to go wrong in a movie were your two leading men just happen to also be Indiana Jones and James Bond. Daniel Craig owned his role as Jack Lonergan and created a great, modern cowboy hero from the dust of classics past. He's always been good at that cold, distant thing, and he pulled it off yet again. Not to mention, he's killer when it comes to action scenes. And I'm not just talking about giving it to someone--the way he looks when he pounds a guy's face in and you just know that sorry bastard isn't getting up again. But he takes it like a pro--when the invincible Jack Lonergan starts to eat dust, you can really feel the stakes kicked up a notch. 

Harrison Ford I'm not going to get into too much detail with because the trailer lead me to believe one thing about his character while his role in the movie itself ended up being a very pleasant surprise. All I'll say is he doesn't get enough diverse roles that he can really sink his teeth into, and I think it's about time we've given the man some respect for that. Sure, he doesn't have the young, charming looks he did some twenty years ago. But he's still got an extraordinary talent and, given the right role, he really runs away and shines with it. Here's to hoping Harrison Ford keeps trucking like the badass he is. And while I'm on the topic, he had brilliant chemistry with Daniel Craig. But maybe the action adventure lover in me was still just seeing stars with the whole Jones/Bond bit. I will say this much--I am very disappointed in Harrison Ford's hat for never having fallen off, only to get snatched up at the last second. It was not his hat's best role, and I expect better from it in the future. 

What's she doing? Stalking? Staring? What do you want??? Take my wallet!

Now for Olivia Wilde. By far, the weakest point of the entire film. Weaker than the hat. I could've done without every single one of her scenes and I would've been happy. Well. Alright. Up until the last ten minutes (after the conversation that started this review), I learned to appreciate her character. And that in itself should be proof of how badass this movie is. But for the other, you know, one hour and fifty minutes of the movie? Yeah. Maybe it was the character, maybe it was the actress, maybe it was the fact that I couldn't get over how strikingly inhuman she looks on a regular basis (am I the only one screaming cylon?). Whatever it was, she sucked giant horse balls. Moving along. 

The rest of the cast falls under a handful of honorable mentions. Paul Dano did a stellar job at the pathetic and proud rich little daddy's boy Percy Dolarhyde, and the only problem with his character was that I simply couldn't get enough of him. But then again, he more or less stole every shot he was in, so it was for the sake of the movie really that they kept his character to a minimum. Keith Carradine played an excellent sheriff and just imbibed the whole period aspect, as did Sam Rockwell. Adam Beach did the best with what his role afford him, which wasn't much more than a typical "token minority" role. And finally, I have to give a shout out to my boy David O'Hara, who was practically unrecognizable in this movie. For the life of me, I don't understand why he goes paycheck to paycheck on bit parts, the dude's a damn good actor. 

End summation? If you're the type of person where just title Cowboys & Aliens has you wetting yourself, go see this movie. End of story. 

"When You Have To Shoot, Shoot. Don't Talk."

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY (1966)

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You know the symptoms. Someone you know comes up to you and says, "Oh my god, I saw [insert movie] last night, and it was LEGENDARY." So you make a note to put it on your list. But then you come across your pretentious coworker who berates you for never seeing [insert movie] and threatens you to watch it or suffer pain of death. So you tell them you'll see it. And then, just when you casually mention that you've finally downloaded it (legally, of course. Er.), your friend who can mouth all the lines to [insert movie] insists on seeing it with you. Well. By this point, you're just plain fucking sick of hearing of it.

Such is the story of Me Vs. The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly (1966). I knew it was a classic. I knew it would be extraordinary. I knew it was one of those movies everyone claimed to love, even if just out of principal. I knew it was Tarantino's all time favorite. Despite all that--it did something that took me completely by surprised. It lived up to its hype. Ten times over. I know I should be working by example and using reverse psychology--telling you just what complete crap this movie is so the margin of people who are stubborn two year olds like will actually see it. All I can say is this: I've been there, I've done that, and the petty pride is not worth depriving yourself of this epic masterpiece. And without further ado...The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

THE GOOD

"I've never seen so many men wasted so badly."

The Character: If you're anything like me, you hear a character defined as "The Good" and you flinch. Instantly, I'm waiting for John Wayne to swagger up, flanked by Captain America wielding his red, white, and blue shield and warm apple pie for Little Timmy. Which just goes to show how much I know about Sergio Leone. The thing that attracts me most to this movie is Leone's bold and unapologetic commentary on human morality. Despite the simplistic titles each character is given, the characters themselves are far from easy to pin down. Clint Eastwood plays "Blondie", aka "The Good", who just so happens to make his living by conning people out of their reward money by pretending to capture wanted criminals only to help them escape after he's got the green in his hand.

Alright. So far, not so good. But, to be fair, he's just about as good as good gets in the wild west. He sneers at criminals, he sees his deals to the end,  and he's honest. He's "the moral one". Ironically enough, it's because he's so "good" that he's actually one of the more unlikable characters in the film. And it has nothing to do with him being a goodie-two-shoes, because he's not. It has to do with the fact that he's the stubbornly moral character stuck in an immoral world, and frankly, we're rooting on the bad guys in this one. In fact, his saving grace for the audience is the fact that he holds such disdain for "crooked" characters, and therefore often comes off as a big dickwad. What it comes down to is a simple blaring contradiction: in order to be "the good guy", he has to be a loner, he can't get emotionally attached to the devious characters he attracts, despite the travels they go through and the brotherhood that they form. Because he's incapable of really bonding with the other characters in the movie, he comes off as cold and even callous--even if we still love him for his warrior-like devotion to his own moral code. Clint Eastwood, of course, blows the role out of the park, with his "blondie" good looks, marred by an unfortunate desert incident, and his cool swagger.

The Movie: As for the movie itself. It's so fucking epic, it's hard to actually pinpoint what to compliment. And when I say epic, I don't mean it in that bro "whoa, that wheely was way epic, dude" way. I mean War and Peace EPIC. It's a long movie, sure, but the journey we go through with these characters--their relationships, their traumas, their brotherhood--it's human. And you care deeply about each and every one of the characters.

Credit where credit is due. Leone knows how to film a movie. It's rare that I'll compliment a movie stylistically like that, but. Each shot was fantastic, and so hyper-stylized it's hard to believe that this wasn't filmed in this decade. Lots of close up eye shots, for all your eye-fetishies. You know who you are.

The music is phenomenal. Ennio Morricone I recognized from countless Tarantino films, which I know is a bit of a backwards way to do it, but. C'est la vie. He has that type of instrumental music that really gets inside you like a good bong hit and invades your blood stream. It quickens the heart, draws you into the center of the action...just listening to it makes me want to jump on a horse and ride eighty miles through the Italian Western desert.

THE BAD

"But you know the pity is, when I'm paid, I always follow my job through. You know that."

The Character: Christoph Waltz, you've just met your match. Never has there been a smoother, more intimidating, and yet somehow sympathetic villain as "Angel Eyes" Sentenza. Just when you thought this movie couldn't get anymore morally ambiguous, Leone calls his villain "Angel Eyes". Be still, my heart. Sentenza is Bad. Fucking. Ass. He spends the first what feels like ten minutes of the movie simply walking into a man's house, sitting down across from him at his kitchen table, and slicing into his food. Never has "two men eating breakfast" been so tense. The best part about Sentenza? He's a near mirror of Blondie. He's gives off the vibe of a man who's just "doing his job". There's nothing inherently evil about Sentenza. He's not pure viciousness, and there's no real evidence that he gets any satisfaction from being sadistic. He just happens to have a job that involves killing people. So he's good at his job, so sue him. He's a dedicated, mean, lean, badass machine. Lee Van Cleef manages to balance the line between a completely terrifying and subtly human perfectly.  

The Movie: So the movie is long. A good three hours long. Suck it up, you ADD jackasses. Take some Ritalin if you have to. It's worth it. I know our generation is used to the good ol' instant gratification slam, bam, thank you, ma'am. However. The weight of the movie lies in the strength of the characters and the emotional journeys they go through. By the end of the movie, I knew them so well I asked Tuco to be the best man at my wedding. It was that kind of relationship.  I know, Leone has some scenes that just seem to be a couple men glaring at each other for about five minutes. But you know what, when it runs alongside Ennio Morricone's score, you really can't complain.

The one scene I will pick a small fight with was when Blondie and Tuco came across a civil war battle and try to disguise themselves as union soldiers. It was the one time I really directly felt the hand of the '60s in the film, a little war commentary seeping in there. It could've come right out Apocalypse Now (1979), honestly (even if Apocalypse Now is some 13 years later. You wanna fight about it?). The thing was, I was there with these characters throughout the whole movie. I didn't mind the length of the film because the action wasn't there simply to fill plot holes--everything that happened to these characters was character driven. If they ended up at a prisoner of war camp, it had less to do with the politics of the time and more to do with the fact that the characters where fucks ups who couldn't tell the Union and Confederacy apart (though, to be fair, desert dust is hell). But everything that happened to the movie came straight from the dynamics of the characters, and not from the writer's "hand of god". Here, I wasn't feeling it so much. We got introduced to Lt. Dan--I mean--"unnamed alcoholic Union Captain", who was supposed to be inspiring and...something. Maybe I'm being dense. Maybe I just didn't get it. But the thing was, it was the only time I felt Blondie and Tuco were just...randomly thrown into a situation. Frankly, I didn't care about the Captain. I just cared about Blondie and Tuco. I get that the scene under the bridge was important for the two characters and definitely a necessary and vital bit to the movie, but it was the whole scene itself that felt a little...out of place to me. But I could just be a picky bastard. Onward.

THE UGLY

"There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend: those with the rope around the neck, and the people who have the job of doing the cutting."

The Character: You would think that in a movie that has two characters labeled "The Good" and "The Bad", The Ugly would be the least of everyone's concerns. However, The Ugly steals the motherfucking show. Reason 341 why Leone is straight up genius. Eli Wallach plays Tuco, the Mexican bandit who will steal, cheat, and kill to get his way. He's dirty, he's malicious, he's ridiculous, and yet he's the most human character in the entire movie and (if you're me) the character you're really rooting for. In any other movie, he might serve as a bit of "comedic relief" or even the bit part villain. However, we get to know him as a man who's simply always living under the heels of everyone else, and squirms and claws and fights his way to get on top. He's merciless, greedy, repulsive--but there's more than that. There's a distinct sense of loneliness about good old Tuco--he aches for some sort of companionship, someone he can trust and call "brother". Even if, you know. He dragged so-called brother nearly 100 miles under the desert sun until his face was peeling off in chunks. But hakuna matata, right?

In many ways, there is something very "comedic relief"-esque about Tuco. He adds a certain amount of levity to the movie, which is much needed considering "The Good" and "The Bad" are such heavyhanded motherfuckers. Despite this, he's the one character who we really know anything about. He has a past, he has a brother that comes back to haunt him. He has some dramatic highs and lows--between losing his partner in crime, to tormenting him, to regaining him back. He's really the one who seems to have the most at stake when it comes to hunt for the buried gold. He's the one who goes through the most changes--from being the greedy loner to finally reaching out and finding a partnership in Blondie (a trust, we discover, that is not mutual. But then again, Tuco isn't exactly above scamming his own brothers either). And he's the one, at the end, who really gets the last word in all this (quite literally). And so, despite the fact that Angel Eyes and Blondie are such epic, intense characters--Tuco is the real human of the story, the one who somehow manages to balance both the "good" and the "bad".

The Movie: Unless you know Italian, there's a good chance the dubbing is going to bug the crap out of you. You get used to it after a while. But it's a Spaghetti Western, it is what it is. Take it or leave it. And I think they do a pretty fantastic job of getting the voices and mouths spot on, so. You know. You take what you can get. Also, if you can't stand that gritty 60s feel, well. It's what real people look like. Not glossed over with way too many special effects and all that photoshop crap.

Pwn, amigo.

In short...this movie is badass to the extreme. Now excuse me while I go rewatch it another ten times.

I'm Looking For The Man That Killed My Father.

TRUE GRIT (2010)

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It's no secret that I'm a Coen Brother's fan. I recently highlighted them as number 5 in my list of Top Ten Killer Directors. Fargo (1996), O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000), Blood Simple (1984)--time and again, they've churned out classic after classic. And so, when I saw the trailer for True Grit, I was hooked. Granted, I've never seen the John Wayne version, nor have a read the book, but as a Coen Brothers die-hard, I was into it. What I got, I still have mixed feelings about. 

The film starts off with the conflict: the young but persistent Mattie Ross (Hailee Steinfeld) has taken it on herself to hunt down Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin), the man who robbed and murdered her father. She enlists the help of the washed up Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges), who gets a lot of slack for being old, being a drunk, and, oh...killing people unnecessarily. A lot. Texas Ranger LaBoeuf (Matt Damon) is also on a quest to track down Tom Chaney and claim the earnings, so he joins them to form an unlikely trio of three people who really don't want to be near each other.

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Overall, it ran a lot like O Brother, Where Art Thou?. The people on a very barebones quest, meandering about trying to find some semblance of direction. Honestly, they spent so much of the movie turned around, I'm surprised they found Chaney at all. The thing is, it's a movie filled with long and strange pauses, with scenes that just seem to stretch on. Which is fine by me, because the dialogue was fun and the characters were enjoyable to be around, so I didn't mind lingering from scene to scene with them. It just didn't give the film as a whole a very tight feeling. And then just when everyone is "solving their character problems" and I think the plot is becoming a little kitschy, the Coen Brothers manage to turn it on its head. Suddenly, what was a blatantly obvious film about revenge and perseverance turns into something else: a more subtle and tender story of loyalty, the bonds of friendship, redemption and growing up. It sounds cliché, but I think the Coen Brothers did eventually turn it around with a very nicely placed snakebite. 

As for the actors. Little Hailee Steinfeld was just stunning. She was hands down the best part of the movie. I believed her every second she was on the screen. She played a bold young girl, without coming off as pretentious, and her chemistry with the other actors was great. Especially with Matt Damon, who I actually liked in this movie, even though I'm usually not that big of a fan of him. Someone give this man more comedic roles. That said, his character had a pseudo-romance with little Mattie Ross, and while it stayed harmless and didn't go into any potentially pedophile awkward space, it did pop up here and there with a couple twisted spanking scenes and gave a little something interesting to their dynamic. Jeff Bridges was Jeff Bridges. Always brilliant. 

The one character I would've liked to see more of was Cogburn's nemesis with woolly legs, Lucky Ned. He seemed to have come out of nowhere and they gave the impression that there was a history there, but it was never really explained. As much as I appreciate subtly, I'm not getting any rewards if this epic fight out with Lucky Ned is simply...an epic fight out, and I don't really have anything to back up their strife with. I was waiting for a "he poked out my eye" story, but that never happened. I suppose that might've been too much, but just a little something-something and I'd have been happy. 

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Lastly, the film itself ended on a bit of a flat note for me. I really enjoyed the journey, and the characters, and getting to know them. The standoff with Cogburn and the four men was riveting, and then I loved the whole snakebite scene. However...well. Alright. I'll just say it. I got emotional with the horse. Not going to lie. Kill all the men you want--but Little Blackie! I was mourning, and the Coen Brothers offered no relief. And then I'm fine with an unresolved ending. Really, I am. The cutting-off-her-arm thing was cool. I was all for that. But overall, leaving without word of LaBoeuf, and then going to see Cogburn only to not see Cogburn...it just didn't seem necessary to me. Like, we learned that she lost her arm and never got married. That was about it. I'm all for following up with the characters, I just felt like we could've used a little more than that. And actually-14-year-old Hailee was a much better actor than the woman who played grown up Mattie Ross. Is all I'm saying. 

What do you guys think? Did this movie have true grit?

TRAILER: Cowboys And Aliens

TRAILER: Cowboys And Aliens

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The title is almost all you need to jump up and down on your mattress springs in pure, unadulterated glee. Okay. Number one. It has cowboys. And, like, not this new-fangled kind of angsty gritty cowboy thing the Coen Brothers cooked up and everyone else seems to have taken a liking to. No, this is old school, double-saloon doors squeaking while a stray tumbleweed rolls down the dusty prairie floor. And if it couldn't get any better, there are aliens. ALIENS. All I needed were fucking Ninjas and I would've died on the spot. Maybe the Aliens are also Ninjas? Who knows! 

But to be serious about it. The best part of this whole thing is the casting. Olivia Wilde, okay, I kind of liked her better before House M.D. to be perfectly honest, even though I have nothing against House, I was addicted to that show for a few good years. But I'm willing to let her blow me away again. Daniel Craig, I love. Harrison Ford, yes please. Harrison Ford, just to elaborate, deserves this role. He really, really does. Because he's a fucking good actor. And I know, I know, age did not treat him well. He's not the hot hunk of a man he used to be. But you know what? I'm sorry he didn't get 1,000 plastic surgery operations to make himself look like a walking piece of a wax museum. But his ruggish looks were only half the joy of watching him. He really sold us with his genuine great acting skills. Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Rick Deckard--these are classic fucking characters. Character that defined the cinematic world as we know it. And what roles is he getting these days? Some grumpy news anchor in the romcom Morning Glory? Are you shitting me? It's about fucking time he got a role in which he could be his true badass self once again. Oh, but the best part? The BEST part??? And this part I'm really way too excited for. Are you ready? Really ready? It's going to be legen...wait for it...James Bond and Indiana Jones are going to be in the same fucking movie!!! All my wishes have been granted. Next life please. 

Jon Favreau is directing. Steven Spielberg's fingers of awesome are in this pie. It's based off a comic book, which means it automatically has to be the shit. I'm so excited I could behead ten kittens on the spot.