007 Is A Girl's Best Friend.

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971)

Jill St. John is a girl's best friend.

Now I know what you're all thinking. "What, that movie where James Bond gets really old?" Quit your bellyaching. He's older, sure. But he's still charming. Calling Sean Connery "old" is like called George Clooney or Cary Grant "old". Men like that don't sag--they just get better with age. Like wine and novelty t-shirts. Eh. Like wine. 

Diamonds Are Forever starts off strong. Blofeld's "death" is epic. It's funny, it's the first five minutes of the movie, but it's an excellent fucking five minutes. First, we get Bond, from the neck down, beating the shit out of everyone with his brilliant Connery-accent (you can't even really call it Scottish, honestly). And finally, Blofeld's entrance as the last monkey in the evolution chain, smoking his pipe (WHERE'S YOUR NECK, BLOFELD?). Excellent. Top it off with a death-by-slime and an ugly Blofeld demise, and I'm hooked. The movie could've stopped there, honestly, and I would've been happy. But the show goes on...

Characters: Felix Leighter makes one of the more charming appearances he's made in the Bond franchise. He's another old fat guy, but you know what? He's got kind eyes, and there's something just plain endearing about him. I can't see him saving the country any time soon, but I would hire him as Sheriff of Fargo any day of the week. Even if he does spend about half the movie pissed off at Bond for chasing tail. But who really listens to anything Leighter says anyway? Or Q., for that matter. Poor Q. can't even get a flighty Bond girl to sit down and listen to him yammer on about this gadget and that gadget. Don't worry, Desmond Llewelyn, we still love you.

As for one more little honorable mention, Mr. Whyte is great. Played by none other than Jimmy Dean himself, he's obnoxious, doesn't take no for an answer, and has a ridiculous as hell accent. You go, sausage man!

Plenty of Plenty is never enough.

Bond girls: Tiffany Case is great. Played by Jill St. John, she's strong from start to finish. Smoldering, quick, and above all, devious. You can never completely tell which team she's playing for (which, really, is my kind of girl). James Bond plays her more than once himself, because there's no better way to a woman's heart than a little deception. The point is, she has character. She knows what she wants out of life, and takes very purposeful steps to better herself. She isn't doing this to save a family member in peril, or out of some sense of duty for her country and fellow man--she's, simply put, out to save her own skin. But at no point in the movie does she come off desperate, instead, she's demanding, determined, and petty to the point of getting into arguments with small children ("blow up your pants"? Really, Tiffany?). But Bond slaps some good sense into her, which is always great. Good to know the best way to handle a strong woman is with a strong hand. Bond Logic, #24.

Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood--is that her real name or still Bond name?) is Plenty of everything. She's gorgeous as hell, and she's an unashamed moneygrabber. Why am I sensing a theme with the women in the movie? Nonetheless, she's a funny case of Bond girl since she doesn't have sex with Bond, and she doesn't die. What's up with that? Then again, the sex was almost there, and the pool was just good luck, so technically she dabbled in a little bit of both. 

Bambi and Thumper. Are the best. Hands down. These chicks are fucking psycho, but amazing. There is nothing I don't love about them.

I Am The Walrus?

Villains: Mr. Wint and Mr. Kid. Goodness. It'd been a while since I've seen such great henchmen. They're not your standard, run of the mill, muscle men henchmen. These are ugly nerds who've only just crawled out of their basements to hunt down enough money to squeeze in another month of World of Warcraft. Mr. Wint looks like a lovechild between Malcolm McDowell and an ironing board, and Mr. Kid is his balding walrus lover companion. How could this go wrong?? Nonetheless, these two teach a valuable lesson for all people working in the evil business of evil: when two people who you did not expect to be there hand you a package and then slowly inch away from you, the chances that you're about to blow in in five seconds just skyrocketed.

Last but not least, Blofeld. My favorite villain. There is nothing better than Blofeld. Except maybe two Blofelds. Or a Southern-accent Blofeld. Or Blofeld In drag. CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER? Is there anything more to say about this man? No, I think not. 

Bond teaches the breast stroke.

Most badass moment: This one is actually a tough call, because there are so many good ones. I'm going to have to go with two. 1) The many faces of Blofeld--or should I say, the many pussies. 2) Bambi and Thumper. And everything they did.

Most ridiculous moment: The fact that James Bond's only identification is his Playboy Club card. And by "ridiculous" here I mean "fucking awesome."

Mission report: All in all, every sequence really delivers. Bond's coffin moment is terrifying. You know those moments in every Bond film in which you know he's going to escape, somehow, you just haven't quite figured it out? It was one of those moments. Then we've got the racist ape women scene, which is unapologetic. And Bond's car chase...in a moon buggy? And Bond's car chase part two, where he outruns a bunch of coppers by literally driving his beautiful, beautiful car sideways. And the scene in which James nearly gets crushed on top of an elevator! So it's all a little disconnected, and I lost track of the plot after about twenty minutes. Usually, you can at least hold onto the general strain of logic, but this one was all over the place, tangled up in a ball of flaming explosive twine. But it's all so fucking exciting, you don't really give a damn. It's like a pile of mini-Bond movies in one mess of explosions, tits, and speeding vehicles. Thank fuck for no shark attack.

The ending is all sorts of ridiculous. Bond has way too much fun yanking Blofeld around on the crane, Tiffany Case can't shoot a gun without falling off of something, and Bond is attacked with shish kabobs of death. But its a fittingly disjointed (yet fun) end to a disjointed (yet fun) movie. No one can say Sean Connery didn't go out with an confetti covered bang.

Quotes:

Bond: "I think you have something you need to get off your chest."

Bond: "Do you want anything from Holland?"

Moneypenny: "A diamond. In a ring."

Bond: "Would you settle for a tulip?" 

Bond: "That's quite a nice little nothing you're almost wearing. I approve!"

Tiffany Case: "I'm cooperating, Mr. Leighter...I really am."
Bond: "I can vogue for that."

Blofeld: "Bright idea, Mr. Bond."
Bond: "Wrong pussy."

Mr. Whyte [as Saxby's dead body rolls down a hill]: "Burt Saxby? Tell him he's fired."

Bond: "Your problems are all behind you now."

BAMF Of The Week: Sean Connery

SEAN CONNERY

"More than anything else, I'd like to be an old man with a good face."

Image from www.topnews.com

Call it nostalgia. But as soon as I finished my review of You Only Live Twice (1967) and realized I only have one more Sean Connery style Bond in the Blogalongabond schedule, I felt a twinge of sadness. It's time for me to grit my teeth and bear George Lazenby with the lingering presence of the greatness that is Sean Connery. It didn't help that I'm late to the party and realized Sean Connery officially retired a couple years ago. So what's his legacy going to be? The man who invented the iconic figure of James Bond as we know him? Indiana Jones' wise, smart-assed father? That Scott with the accent a blind man could pick out of a line up? The thing is, Sean Connery is just such an undeniable badass, it's hard to pin down what exactly is so awesome about him. He's attractive as hell, and like wine and Beanie Babies only gets better with age. He's witty and sarcastic, but in a charming way Americans can't quite seem to pull off, and whenever they try it only comes off pretentious. And he commands the attention of the screen, no matter who he's billed beside. Dude just breaths badassitry. Cary Grant once said: "Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant." I have a feeling Sean Connery can sympathize. The good news? I skipped out on reviewing From Russia With Love (1963), so technically I've got two more Connerys to review. Who ever said procrastination doesn't pay?

Best films: Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989), The Untouchables (1987), Every Bond. 

Worst films: Let's face it, he's had a couple shitty ones. I've never see The Avengers (1999), but it has a 15% tomatometer rating, so it sounds like I'm not missing much. I would put The League Of Extraordinary Gentleman (2003) on here, but I'm not going to lie, if its on TV, its enough of a guilty pleasure that I will find myself watching it. 

Best moments: Bond. James Bond. Not to mention, telling Indy to sit down and relax and accidentally tipping open a chair-spring activated trap door. 

Go Where No Bond Has Gone Before.

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

So we've done the casino games. We've done the underwater shark fights. What's next? Well, it's 1967, we've just started poking at space, but we're still so afraid of our next door neighbors that we have to come up with a motherfucking space treaty in order to make sure no one blows up the earth. Really, it was a Bond plot waiting to happen. It only makes sense then that our first scene takes place in outer space, in what I consider to be the most thrilling Bond opening so far. First, we have our space men attacked by some weird giant outer space squid (thank you, Watchmen). Next, there's a tense political debate between the USA and the USSR, in which America is full of bulldog faces and the Soviets are "peace loving people". The UK acts as the man in the corner with a monocle who tells you all to politely go get your IQ checked and sends the Americans after the Japanese instead. Slam cut to our friend 007, who's found a whole other way to use his chopsticks. Naturally, the sly little minx double crosses him, and Bond is...wait...dead? What the hell? This is more depressing than Trail of the Pink Panther (1982). Never fear...a montage of Asian chicks against an exploding volcano with the ultimately forgettable Leslie Bricusse is here. Though I'll admit that I did a double take when I saw this: Screenplay By Roald Dahl. Well. I'll be a monkey's fucking uncle.

The plot goes something like this. Bond (elaborately) fakes his death in order to shake off some old enemies and devote himself completely to his current mission. M. sends him to Japan to find out where all these space crafts are going. It's a good thing James Bond isn't conspicuously a foot taller than everyone around him.

What I learned about Japan:

1. Sumo wrestling is a serious business.

2. All Japanese business men live in giant meditation gardens.

3. If you're a guest in a Japanese household, not only is their house yours, but so are all their possessions. Naturally.

4. In Japan, men always come first. Women come second. (I may be a lesbian, but I'm pretty sure that's not only in Japan).

5. NINJAS!

Image of batshit Ninja from thehollywoodprojects.com.

Characters: James Bond, as always, kills first and asks questions later. Which is slightly inconvenient when you finally chase down the man who killed your contact, and instead of interrogation him to find out who sent him, you kill him on the spot. Hindsight 20/20? One of the best things about this Bond movie, however, is that it seems to have weeded out the expendable characters. Instead of having a large number of bad guys who can't fight or shoot and apparently have lost all their survival instincts, we have a smaller number of bad guys, each with well choreographed fight scenes, which keeps the movie flowing at a nice, tense pace. But maybe it's just the awesome that is martial arts.

The only other character worth mention is Mr. Henderson, who...looks...surprisingly...like...Bloefield. I wonder if that's ever going to come back? WINK.

What's Up, Tiger Lily?

Bond Girls: Aki, played conveniently by Akiko Wakabayawshi, is one of the better characters in this movie. She's badass in her own right--she saves Bond's ass more than once and Bond doesn't seem to feel like he has to babysit her like he does with all of his other female companions. And, sure, she moons over Bond, but she does it in a quiet way, with small hopeful glances that somehow look adorable on her rather than irritating. Apparently it's just her timid Japaneseness. Because this movie isn't politically correct at all, of course. Unfortunately, she finally has sex with Bond, which is a mistake on her part, since she gets killed almost instantly after. Bummer.

The first emotionally-timid Asian is replaced by an even more quiet and shy Asian--Kissy Suzuki, who's name unfortunately wasn't even mentioned in the film. A real pity, because it's such a good Bond girl name to waste. She's Bond's undercover wife, and keeps her head obediently in a constant downward tilt. That is, until she opens her mouth and reveals herself to be a real cockblocking tiger mom. Damn. At least Bond can stare at her longingly while she sleeps and fan himself in an Edward Cullen fashion.

Villains: If there's one thing this movie really lacks, it's good villains. Overall, they're pussies, except of course for our friend Blofeld, but he doesn't even make an appearance until halfway through the movie anyway. And my appearance I mean "hand petting cat while evil voice speaks". That is, until the end, when...AH! We see his evil little face for the first time! And he's a terrifying little man, with a long scar running along the side of his face, one eyelid drooping down.

Mr. Osato is really one of the most boring henchmen of all time. The only thing semi-interesting about him is his gadgets--which really just involve a high-tech x-ray. So, yeah. He's about as interesting as oatmeal.

SPECTRE is full of pussies.

Helga Brandt is attractive in that she's-the-only-non-Asian-in-this-movie,-of-course-he's-gonna-fuck-her way. Plus, she stares at Bond with fuck me eyes in an extraordinarily obvious way. Right in front of her "man". But it's totally okay, because she has sex with Bond and then tries to kill him again. So the killing definitely cancels out the sex, even Bond is hesitant to bring it up after. And she gets chewed up by piranha, which is always a good way for an evil Bond girl to go in my book.

Most badass moment: Ninjas vs. SPECTRE. Does it get much better?

Most ridiculous moment: James Bond thinks he's turning Japanese. What. The. Fuck.

Image from pictoralpress.com

Best gadget: James Bond's "toy helicopter". The end.

One more thing:
Cinematically, this is when Bond really starts to get interesting. They tried out a couple new things with this Bond, and they all worked out very nice. For example, instead of the tight, up close and personal fighting scenes in which one man right after the other charges after James Bond, at the dock we have a pan-out where we get to see the fight from a bird's eye view, watching Bond knock them all down like bowling pins. And then we have the helicopter chase, where Bond doesn't realize he's being followed until he sees the shadows of the other helicopters in the mountain top. Besides the camera angle, there's a couple other nice little touches, like an entire scene in unsubtitled Russian. But when a giant space craft eating monster is opening its jaws and swallowing your spaceship, you don't really need subtitles to understand what they're saying. 

Quotes: "Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?"

Moneypenny: "We tried to think of something you wouldn't forget. I love you. Repeat it once so you don't forget."

Bond: "Well, I think it's about hotel time."

Bond: "If you're Tanaka, how do you feel about me?"
Tanaka: "I...love you?"
Bond: "Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way."

Tanaka: "My friend, now you take your first civilized bath."
Bond [surrounded by "bathing girls"]: "Really? I like the plumbing."

Tanaka: "Good choice. She's very sexiful."

Bond [As he's taking off Brandt's clothes]: "The things I do for England."

Bond: "We're supposed to be married."
Kissy: "Think again, please."

Bond's Wet T-Shirt Contest.

THUNDERBALL (1965)

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Bond in a jetpack!

If Thunderball has one thing, it is this: only opening that can boast Bond getting in a fight, first with an old lady, and then with a drag queen. And then...taking off in a jetpack? Yeah. I'm sold. 

The opening credits is everything you would want from a Bond opening. The song, sung by Tom Jones, is deliciously Bondian, we've got the silhouetted women bodies swimming through the water. Sounds good to me. Nothing particularly astounding by it, but at the same time, I couldn't really ask for more. 

Characters: Dear Felix. He's no longer an old man! Victory! Instead, he's a silver fox of a man. Who, despite the fact that he's CIA, nearly gives away Bond's cover in his first line of the movie. Well done, secret service. He's almost as bad as Archer. 

Of course, my friend Q is always amazing. It helps that he's wearing a stupid islandy pineapple shirt. I really think the chemistry between Q and Bond is some of the best chemistry in the movie. They've got their snippy banter as Q attempts to teach Bond a little more control on his motor reflexes, and yet their bromance somehow shines through every time. Sean Connery and Desmond Llewelyn have a wonderfully organic naturalness to their relationship, and I can't get enough of it. 

Bond Girls: James Bond is amazingly rapist-like in this movie. I mean, he's always a bit of a rapist, but in this movie he's particularly forceful. His first near-sex scene involves him grabbing a struggling physician and attempting to kiss her into submission. He's punished briefly with the rack of death, but then is rewarded for his efforts by blackmailing her into sex. The moral here? If devious methods to get laid doesn't work the first time, try, try again. 

Poor Paula is great. She puts up with Bond even when he abandons her to watch the car. And she's one of the few early Bond girls who doesn't actually get in Bond's pants. Which just proves my point. As a woman, you have one of two options in a Bond movie. Sleep with Bond, or die. Like dear totally not a lesbian Tilly, Paula ended up with the latter. 

And then there's Domino. She's all you need in a Bond girl, really. Sassy, hot as hell, and she turns into putty under Bond's charm, but. Eh. It happens. Unlike most poster girl Bond Girls, she actually has a little drama, what with her murdered brother and all. However, it helps that her little sob story is told through tears and bikini strings. 

Villains: SPECTRE is back. In a big way. One of the best scenes is at the very beginning, when we open up to a SPECTRE meeting of nefarious characters. Blofeld at the front, stroking his pussy, and speaking with a shade covering his face. Which is the first hint you're not working alongside justice. The second hint is when everyone in the business deal is referred to only by numbers. The third hint is when your boss kills members of the business deal via electric chair. Do not trust the comfortable looking lounge chairs. 

Largo, with his coat with floppy arms and his eye patch, is a brilliant villain. And he has a crazy band of eunuch bodyguards who wear only black and sunglasses. Between the sunglasses and the eye patch, it's like the three blind mice all over again. Speaking of blind. He also happens to be one of the only Bond villains who gets killed by his captive mistress/token Bond girl exacting revenge on her murdered brother. How epic is that? Pretty fucking epic, I'd say.  

Fiona Volpe is one badass villain. In all honesty, she's really the reason I love this movie so much. For one, she can actually act. She's precise, cunning about her kills, and deadly in a way most female villains aren't. Sure, she uses sex to get her way, but she does it with an amount of coldness that somehow makes her that much more awesome. She fucks them to get her way, but it's not simply a "distraction method" until the men get here and take care of it. She uses her time she spends with her victims to memorize their habits and use that against them. In short, she's a great villain, who just happens to be extremely foxy. And she has a fucking motorcycle that explodes things. Take me to your bedroom.

Angelo is another great one. He's just one of those guys that happens to be in the wrong business at the wrong time. First of all, he's clearly crazy as fuck. He spends two years devoting himself to this one role and getting intense plastic surgery. And then goes ahead and asks for more money. C'mon, dude. Haven't you ever seen how these things work? You ask for more money after the mission and they're just going to kill you. It's the way it happens. 

Most badass moment: Stealing a plane with warheads by hijacking one of the pilot's faces, then submerging it under water in a fake crash landing? Underwater landing strip and everything? I've got to hand it to the movie, for a Bond movie, this one actually has...well. A plot. And a good one, at that. 

Most ridiculous moment: I. Hate. Underwater. Fights. I'll say it now, and I'll repeat it every time we have one. Because Bond goes through a period in which, in every fucking movie, they have a damn underwater fight. What, did Hollywood have a surplus of maneating sharks or something? They're hard to choreograph, every moves with giant flippers, and it's just awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe it was cool the first time, but I've seen enough Bond movies to be sick of it. 

Best quotes: Codename? Thunderball...

Moneypenny: "In the conference room. Every 00 in Europe has been rushed in, and the Home Secretary too."
Bond: "Somebody's probably lost a dog."

Domino: "What sharp little eyes you've got."

Bond: "Wait until you get to my teeth."

Fiona: "Some men just don't like to be driven."

Bond: "No, some men just don't like to be taken for a ride."

Fiona: [in bathtub] "Since you are here, would you mind giving me something to put on?"

*Bond hands over shoe*

Bond: "You mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."

James Bond Does Man Talk.

GOLDFINGER (1964)

So I royally suck ass at BlogalongaBonding. I got Dr. No (1962) down no problem, somehow ended up skipping over From Russia With Love (1963), and now I'm getting Goldfinger in by the skin of my teeth. That said and done, it really would be a travesty not to review Goldfinger, since it is one of the most iconic Bond films of all time. We start with obligatory irrelevant opening sequence. And James Bond has a dead bird on his head. How can it get any better from here? But we do get a brilliant little transformation bit on Bond's part--soemthing we don't really see that much. Bond blowing something up and then doing a Superman style transformation into plain clothes. It's oddly satisfying. Almost as satisfying as Bond then going to take care of his "unfinished business" with a naked lady, only to put her in the line of fire when she double crosses him ("Shocking...positively shocking").

Entire title sequence--gold clad chicks with images reflected on their skin. So it's not quite as thrilling and CGI as the later Bonds, but there's something nice about the simplicity of it. Not to mention, Shirley Bassey pulls off a great Bond theme song--there's just something so very Bond about it. Maybe I won't listen to Shirley Bassey so much in my spare time, but she sets a perfect mood. 

Action: For a Bond movie, it actually takes up surprisingly long to get some real action going. We don't have our first bona-fide car chase until about 45 minutes in. Equipped with satisfying cars rolling off cliffs and exploding, but still. It just takes us a while to get moving. There's a lot of talking, a lot of explaining, even a whole conversation which doesn't have much importance except for Bond to slander M.'s brandy. Less talky, more explosions. 

I will say there's definitely something awesomely satisfying about watching a car getting crushed into a tiny ball, though. The movie clearly spent more time follow Oddball's venture to get this car smashed into a dense square of metal, and yet there's something about a beautiful car getting demolished under the crushing jaws of a machine that makes it hard to look away. Possibly bringing some repressed childhood emotions of The Brave Little Toaster (1987), but it is what it is. 

And of course, like a surprising number of Bond films, Bond has a moment where his manly bits are in jeopardy, chained down to a plate of gold while Goldfinger's laser draws up slowly, prepared to cut him in half from the bottom up. I mean, sure, his life is in danger here, but you know he'd be sweating a lot less if the laser's aim was to slice of his neck or something. 

One of the more interesting parts of the movie, however, is that Bond doesn't actually save the day. Yes, he kills Goldfinger (who knew a man that big could fit through something as small as an airplane window), and yes, he does all the secret agent stuff we require of him. But the one thing he doesn't do is dismantle the bomb. Because James Bond knows almost everything, but he can't always have the answers. And this is a great moment that Sean Connery pulls off perfectly. Bond, in his do or die glory, decides he's going to rip out all the wires since he can't find the right one and hope for the best. But just before he does--a hand on his arm. Finally. A fucking bomb technician, who actually knows what the hell he's doing, here to cut the right wire. It's a subtle moment, but one I give Ian Fleming all the more credit for nonetheless. 

Characters: Bond: "Felix, say hello to Dink." Felix: "Hi, Dink." Bond: "Dink, say goodbye to Felix." Dink: *Pout?* Bond: "Uh, man talk." *Ass slap*. Oh, Bond. Aaaaand Daddy's home. Speaking of Felix. He got...old? But at least he lost his nancy boy shenanigans. And I won't say there's anything wrong with a little professionalism in a Bond movie. It's just a little uninspired. Like you know he's going to be the boring one when we're surrounded by Bond girls, devious villains, and the colorful Bond himself.

Q is always amazing. Desmond Llewelyn has my heart. Though I have to admit, the best part of the entire scene is Bond's exceddingly bored expression as Q rattles off about the beautiful Aston Martin which no doubt will be destroyed over the course of the move. And, of course, there's a red button. C'mon, Q. You know Bond better than that. Don't put a red button in his car and tell him not to touch it. At least do a little reverse psychology or something--make it green and tell him it's imperative that he touches it, and he'll probably leave it the hell alone. 

I must be dreaming.

Bond girls: Jill Masterson. Her entrance is definitely worthy of a Bond girl--hell, we don't even get her face. Just her back, nicely defined in a cute little swimsuit, with her leg propped up, swinging it back and forth absently. She had a nice back and forth with Bond, before one of those "My place or yours?" moments. Then we get one of the best expositions of all time. Bond and Jill are both halfnaked, making out in his bed, as the radio beside the bed croons with: "At the white house this afternoon, the president said he was entirely satisfied--" after which Bond cuts it off. We don't even need his clever: "That makes two of us." We got it the first time. But it's all worth it for what happens next...an unconscious Bond and a golden Jill. Really, what do you say to that? It's a horrifying, yet brilliant death. 

Let's put sister with sister. Tilly Masterson is up next, and for the short amount of time she's in the film, I've gotta say I quite like her. She is one of the few Bond girls who can kind of shrug Bond off without batting her eyes at him the next second (more on that later). She goes so far as to quite literally cut him off in the middle of his "Bond, James Bond". Who does that? Tilly does that. Usually, when Bond doesn't get with a Bond girl, I'm left feeling as unsatisfied as he is, but here I was down with it.

And finally...last but definitely not least. Pussy Galore. Played by the lovely Honor Blackman, one of those actress that kind of grows on you as the movie progresses (or as she starts losing clothes...ah, chicken and egg argument there). They went all fucking out with Pussy Galore. And I loved every inch of it. After two strong, bull busting women, she kind of felt like a bit too bull busting, just because the act was running thin. However, she had one thing going for her that most Bond henchwomen don't. She didn't sleep with Goldfinger. Instead? She had a harem. Of women. Who fly planes. Does it get any better than that? I think not.

Villains: A moment for Goldfinger, now. He has probably the lamest Bond villain entrance ever onto the screen. He's in some pool resort which looks like it should be habited with spring break kids and old grandmother. Goldfinger, in his swim suit and towel, looks to be part of the later category, like he's ready for a game of bingo and a laxative. He doesn't strike you right away as the kind of guy who's about to swindle another man out of large sums of money via card games. Meanwhile, he's got a little bird perched up on the balcony--our dear Jill Masterson, who watches Goldfinger's opponent through binoculars and recites his cards to keep Goldfinger winning. You think the other man would've started to get suspicious what with an ear piece sticking out of Goldfinger's ear, but hey. He's got sunscreen in his eyes. It really is a massive blindspot that Bond challenges Goldfinger to a golf match. Really, first it's the old people's pool, now it's a golf match--is there anything about Goldfinger that doesn't scream Republican head of the NRA? He even has a freaking Asian manservant. A mute one, at that. Speaking of...

Image snagged from gonemovies.com

Oddjob is possibly one of the best things about Goldfinger. He's a mute who can crush golfballs under his bare fist and he's got a bowler hat that kills. I'm sold. Even though his hat has unpredictable properties. One second it cuts through stone and slices off a statue's head. The next, it just somehow bloodlessly knocks Tilly over and kills her. Go figure. 

My next favorite henchman has but a near cameo. But I'm sorry. If you're a grandmother with a machine gun and you still manage to almost knock Bond off his wheels, props to you.

Most badass moment: Pussy Galore's Flying Circus. I rewound and watched the entrance of those girls about ten times. Goddamn.

Most ridiculous moment: Goldfinger's delightful gang of investors might as well be known as the men who ask 1000 questions. "What's that?" "Why's that moving?" "Where's my pacifier?" Babies.

Quotes: This one had some classics, alright. Some of my favorites...

Pussy Galore: "My name is Pussy Galore."
Bond: "I must be dreaming."

Bond: "Do you expect me to talk?"
Goldfinger: "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."

Bond: "This is no time to be rescued. "

Bond: "What do you know about gold, Moneypenny? "
Miss Moneypenny: "Oh, the only gold I know about is the kind you wear... you know, on the third finger of your left hand?"

What the hell: Here's a bit of frustrating trivia--Tilly Masterton, Jill's sister, is supposed to be a lesbian. Who is attracted to Pussy Galore. WHY, MOVIE BOND, WHY? Of all the things you can cut from the book, you're going to deprive us of a lesbian Bond girl moment? I'm tempted to knock this movie down a rating just for that. 

Bond. James Bond.

DR. NO (1962)

The extraordinarily inventive Dr. No title page.

It's official. Despite the fact that MGM is apparently full of pussies with empty pockets, James Bond WILL return. Bond 23 has been on hold for a while now, but now they're saying he'll come back in true blonde form in November 2012. All of 22 months from now. I'll let that sink in. 22 months...22 current Bond movies...great Scott!!! The Incredible Suit put two and two together and came up with the BlogalongaBond, which is something that should not be attempted to say five times fast. In short, you have to do something related to the Bond film of the month every month until Bond 23 is finally released. Be still, my beating heart. And so, I have recklessly thrown myself into the Bond foray, albeit at the very tail end of January, starting this year off with the classic...Dr. No. 

The official definition runs like this: In the film that launched the James Bond saga, 007 (Sean Connery) battles the mysterious Dr. No, a scientific genius bent on destroying the U.S. space program. Bond travels to Jamaica where he encounters the beautiful Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress) and confronts the megalomaniac in his evil island lair. Great! I wasn't aware James Bond movies actually had a legitimate plot, so I'm glad we've got that out of the way. 

The film starts off with the epic first-time-ever Bond walk, turn and...shoot the audience! And then...a bunch of multicolored sillouhettes dancing to Congo music lead by a very literal interpretation of Three Blind Mice? Alright, doesn't really jive, but I'll run with it. After all, what's more amusing then three blind black guys ambling through the--Oh my god, they just killed Kenny shot a posh man! Aaand we're on. Probably one of the few Bond movies to start without 007 leaping into action at the very last second and killing everyone in sight. 

In fact, the first time we see Bond, he's beating some hot lady out of all of her money due one "lucky hand" after another. And the second he says his name, it's like everyone knows this iconic moment will go down in cinematic history. The Bond theme goes on, he's got that suave smirk planted on his lips, and says, simply: "Bond, James Bond." On with the show.

Setting the standards of Bond Girl Glory. 

James Bond: One of the great things about Sean Connery as Bond in Dr. No is that he's...quite a legitimate spy. I know, he doesn't have Q in this movie, and for that we all cry tears of sadness, however, in place of his wacky gadgets, he actually uses his brain. Imagine! He has all these nifty little tricks, like sticking a piece of his hair horizontal over the center of a door, so he'll know if it's been open. Small little things that remind us that he's in this business for reason, rather than just being an ape with a bunch of toys that make that BOOM sound. The few gadgets he does have, he forms an actually attachment to rather than throwing them around and breaking them for the fun of it. He has a pretty lengthy conversation in the beginning with M. in which he does his best to keep his Beretta close to him, despite his bosses command to lose the pussy gun.

Characters: Lois Maxwell took on the role of Miss Moneypenny for 14 of the Bond films, which has to be some sort of record. I think it's safe to say she brought Miss Moneypenny up from nothing and defined her into the iconic figure she is today, batting her eyelashes and swooning in Bond's presence. However, unlike some of the later Moneypenny's, Lois Maxwell has the endearing quality of being able to keep her shit together. She enjoys swooning over Bond, sure, but she's not going to melt in a puddle on the floor right away, she is also able to match his quips in a witty enough manner that he seems to quite enjoy playing these games just as much as she does. Which gives her characters slightly more dignity than most of the other actresses give her (I'm looking at you, embarrassing virtual reality scene in Die Another Day).

Let's face it. Felix Leiter is kind of a ponce. We have a different Leiter almost every movie, none of them seem to last very long. David Hedison made it into both Live And Let Die (1973) and Licence To Kill (1989), and now Jeffery Wright has finally sunken his hooks into the recent films. But as for Dr. No, all Leiter really does is strut around in his tan suit and act a little too sickeningly suave. C'mon, Leiter. Come out of the closet time.

Bond girls: Hot woman Bond got to play cards with and subsequently sleep with. Check. White woman/woman of Asian decent who was also a henchwoman. Relatively hot, even though she looked a little confused about where her home country might be. Then, there's Honey Ryder herself. She's blonde, she's stupid, she has a couple gems of "local knowledge" which are supposed to make her useful to the plot. But really, she's just there to...well. Sing and pick shells wearing nothing but a bikini.

Sean Connery and Ursula Andress on the set.

Villains: We had a couple weak henchmen to start off with. First there was "the man from the car service" who I actually kind of appreciated in that "he's not really a henchman, he's just some terrified dude Bond gets to beat up" type of way. Plus, he has a cyanide cigarette, which was kind of awesome. Then we had Dr. Dent, who didn't really do anything but continually fuck up. The only good thing about him, really, was the fact that he got to sweat in an interrogation room and as he told Dr. No what a loser he was. But Dr. No...for the few minutes he is in the movie, is actually rather badass. Played by the stoney Joseph Wiseman, who is merciless, calculating, and...handless? Yes, he has insane machine hands that can crush just about anything. Now we're talking.

Most badass moment: The slightly fucktarded dragon tank? I'm really not sure. Holy fuck. I take it back. The "decontamination" of Honey Ryder, which is just an excuse to get both her and Bond to strip and shower. Yes. It is good.

Most ridiculous moment: Bond can kill enemies with a single shot, but it takes him at least four smacks of his shoe to kill a spider. Only tied with the fact that, while in Dr. No's custody, James Bond takes measures to warn Honey Ryder about the fact that the room would probably be bugged for sound, but doesn't think that the tea could be...you know. Drugged. Way to go.

Quotes: The humorous one-liners aren't really what Dr. No is about. After all, this is the first James Bond movie, and he hasn't quite made enough of a name for himself to actually be campy yet. Bond takes himself rather seriously as he cooly collects evidence and dispatches the villains. Nonetheless, there were still a few snippy Bond remarks here and there, and here are a couple of my favorites:

Miss Moneypenny: "You've never taken me to dinner looking like this. You've never taken me to dinner."
Bond: "I would, you know. Only M. would have me court-martialed for...illegal use of government property."
Miss Moneypenny: "Flattery will get you nowhere--but don't stop trying."

Bond: "I hope he cooks better than he fights."
Puss Feller: "Well, no one died from my cooking...yet."

Miss Taro: "I'll just go put some clothes on."
Bond: "Oh, don't go through any trouble on my account."

Bond: "That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six."

Honey Ryder: "Are you looking for shells too?"

Bond: "No, I'm just looking."