BAMF Of The Week: Lena Headey

LENA HEADEY

"I hate being looked at."

It has come to my attention that Lena Headey has yet to be my BAMF of the week. Like...what? How did I allow this to go unnoticed for so long? Never mind the fact that I may/may not (okay, definitely may) have a major crush on Miss Headey, the thing is, this woman is just badass. In everything she does. She's been typecast more than once as the strong, female lead because she can nail it. And that's something to be proud of. She's the epitome of take-no-prisoners BAMFitry, and for that, I must salute her. 

Best films: She played the stoney, kickass Queen in both 300 (2006) and Game of Thrones (2011). And though she wasn't exactly "badass" in it, can we all appreciate the fact that she was in a lesbian romcom with Piper Perabo? All that aside, my favorite role has to be the way she played off the gritty, bones-to-the-wall Ma-Ma in Dredd (2012). Own it. 

Worst films: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (2008) bombed pretty spectacularly. Which is a shame, because I love Lena Headey, I love Summer Glau, and, most of all, I love motherfucking Sarah Connor. To be honest, I've only seen an episode or two, so you can make up your own mind about this one. Maybe it was just too good to be true? 

Upcoming: I think she's pretty set as Cersei. Though apparently there's going to be a sequel to 300...? I'm going to let you sit with that for a second.

BAMF Of The Week: M.

M. (JUDI DENCH)

"To Hell with dignity! I'll retire when my goddamn job is finally done."

If we know James Bond films for nothing else, we know them for the Bond girls. The sleek, sexy little pieces of eyecandy with stripper names. Yet so often, we fail to recognize the Bond girl among Bond girls: M. Sure, maybe one day I'll do a BAMF Of The Week for all M.s, but Judi Dench's M. has a special place in the car battery strapped to my ribcage. She's hard-edge and, above all, gets the job done. Whatever it takes. Even if that means having her own agents go through with some rather questionable tasks. She's a cold, hard bitch is there ever was one, but even passed her stoney exterior, we get constant glimpses of something more to her. Hints that she's a mother, that she was once a woman who fell in love with a poet. Little things like that only add to the awesomeness that is her character and make her even more impressive for never, ever folding under pressure. 

And, of course, there is her incredible relationship with Bond. While at times they may be at each other's throats, you get the impression (especially with the Craig series) that she's one of the few people who knows the Bond behind his martinis and charming smile. They share a trust if only because they both distrust everyone else--like soldiers caught behind enemies lines. And at the end of the day--no matter how much of a brat Bond can be and no matter how much of an ice queen M. can be, they have each other's backs. In one way or other. Even if that means M. trusts Bond enough to let him dig himself out of his own bloody grave.

Best films: Casino Royale (2006) and Skyfall (2012), without a doubt. Judi Dench's M. and Daniel Craig's Bond have a brilliant relationship. At times weirdly maternal (Archer style), at times masochistic, they always manage to bring out the best and worst of each other. And I physically cannot get enough of it. 

Worst films: Did I like Judi Dench with Pierce Brosnan? Sure. He introduced her into this world, I'm glad she's stuck around for so long. However, I got the feeling they were really holding her on a tight leash in the Brosnan days. Her character had so much potential and instead of letting her fly, they kept her to the sidelines looking like a grandmother bull-dyke. 

Best quotes: "I love keeping naughty boys in order."

Fun fact: Her ringtone is the James Bond theme song. Also, she's the reason my first name has been shortened to "M." Not that I'm a fangirl or anything. Er.

Don't Dread Dredd.

DREDD 3D (2012)

Image from flicksandbits.com.

So here's a funny story. I got two tickets to go see Dredd 3D for free. It was an early screening and one of the actors, Wood Harris, would be there. So I thought, why not? I figured it would be a decent, action-packed, sci-fi flick with a lot of gorgeous Lena Headey.

I was wrong. It was an excellent action-packed, sci-fi flick with a lot of gorgeous Lena Headey.

Being a BAMF.

Let me explain. It's been a long, long time since I've seen a solid, airtight action movie. Action movies these days (especially sci-fi action) always have one, creaky wheel that ruins the rest of the movie. Most of the time, they load up their budget on special effects and 3D eye-candy and forget that they actually need a script. This results in high-profile names, an exciting trailer, and the disappointment of fans everywhere when they find out that it was nothing but 90 minutes of empty dialogue from empty characters. Other times, the concept is promising, the talent is promising, but they just try too hard to remake the wheel. It's come to the point where I just about pee myself with glee when I find a solid, good movie. It doesn't need to be great. It doesn't need to an artistic masterpiece. I just want to walk into the movie theater, sit down, and enjoy my money's worth.

Dredd delivers. And then some. The really great thing about Dredd is that they don't try to remake the wheel. The concept is bare-bones simple: in a world where crime runs rampant, two Judges get locked into mob territory and have to fight their way out. Done. No social political agenda, nothing particularly philosophical or mindfucky to see here. Just a couple of consistent characters, some balls-to-the-wall action, and complete lack of plot holes. Can I get an amen?

Let's start off with the man himself. Dredd. Dredd is played by Karl Urban, but you wouldn't know it since he spends the whole time behind a mask speaking in his Batman voice. Dredd is kind of what you imagine RoboCop might look like if he became mildly suicidal and bled his sadomasochistic tendencies by putting holes in bad guy's heads. Basically, what RoboCop might've looked like if Jason Statham took on the role. Only Dredd is a man of the law...at least, a man of whatever law there is left to protect. For that reason alone, he is a sympathetic character and keeps us on his team. That, and the fact that he's never at loss for a smart, growled comeback. 

Image from collider.com.

Dredd gets teamed up with Anderson, AKA: Rookie. Anderson is played by Olivia Thirlby, an actress who I have only now gotten acquainted with and who is officially in my good book. She takes the role and owns it. While she's got a nice, subtle feminine quality to her, she can also look intimidating as shit with the right, icy dialogue under her tongue. Anderson is not only Dredd's beating heart, but also his brain--thanks to radioactive fallout, she's a mutant in a fucked-up society. A psychic. Which comes in handy and saves her ass, along with Dredd's, every step of the way. She pulls her own weight time and again and together, they make an unstoppable team.

Well. Almost unstoppable. Enter my personal, biased favorite: Mama. It's no secret that I'm a giant Lena Headey fan and she, once more, proved to be exceptionally badass. A little backstory on the character: Mama is an ex-prostitute who got her face slashed by a John and from then on, decided to take her anger out on the world. She became a mob-leader of the Mama Clan and kicked the asses of every other clan in her side of town. She's a bloodthirsty, drug addicted mob leader and takes absolutely no prisoners. In short: she's Dredd's dark side. She's just as violent and stubborn as he is, only she's on the other side of the law. This makes her a perfect villain for this movie and amps up the tension tenfold. 

So...where can I get me some Slo-Mo?

Which brings us to "Slo-Mo," the drug that Mama's Clan pushes. Slo-Mo makes things...well. Slow. So maybe it's not a particularly creative name, but it's a creative drug. I should start this off by saying I am an avid hater of slow-motion. Seriously. I would ban slow motion in all films if I could. I hate "emotional slow motion," when someone falls to their knees and makes stupid, agonized faces. I hate dramatic slow motion. I hate romantic slow motion. If you want me to feel something, slowing it to impossible speeds just irritates me, it doesn't make me feel any harder. 

However, there are a couple exceptions to my slow motion hate--and this is one of them. If it's used artistically in an action sequence, I can stomach it. In Dredd, they took "artistic action sequence" to a whole other level. I saw camera angles I don't remember seeing, ever. Just wait for the final fall from grace. Slow, detailed, blood-splattering, face-crushing goodness. I'm there. That said, there was nothing over-the-top and artsy about it. The creative visuals kept in time with the action and didn't interrupt the flow; instead, it worked with the script to build a unique, stunning visual experience. 

Image from moviecarpet.com.

With the lively characters, the sharp dialogue, and the eye-candy action, Dredd is just a good, solid, shoot-'em-up. If you want a movie theater experience you that will not only leave you satisfied but also really fucking pumped, I highly suggest checking this one out. Plus. Lena Headey.

My Ass May Be Dumb, But I Ain't No Dumbass.

JACKIE BROWN (1997)

AKA: The Ordell Robbie story.

It's the last day of the month, which can only mean one thing: time for me to sneak in my Tarantino review! This month, we've got none other than the dear Jackie Brown (1997). To be honest, Jackie Brown is not exactly my favorite Tarantino. Don't get me wrong: I still love it to death. It's like broken Oreo in the box--it's still got all the right ingredients, it's just not as satisfying as the rest. It's also probably the Tarantino that I've seen the least. With that said, I think Jackie Brown is highly underrated by many--especially me. Rewatching it this time around gave me a level of appreciation for the film's subtleties that I'd brushed off the last time around while I was waiting for a gun to go off. 

Swag.

The Plot: Jackie Brown is a rarity among Tarantino movies for one simple reason: it's not original material. Rather, it's based off of Rum Punch by Elmore Leonard. In a way, it shows. While it still certainly feels like a Tarantino movie, Jackie Brown is a little more "tame" than most Tarantinos go. There's not a lot of excessive swearing, shooting, or shamelessness. Rather, it's Tarantino's tribute to blaxploitation films, all while showing off the lovely Pam Grier. 

The Music: Like all Tarantino films, the music is spot on. Some of it is background music, but most of the music is used as part of the scene--something Jackie Brown puts on her record player or something Ordell cranks up on his car radio. It adds a little something to the film and puts the audience right in the middle of it, rather than keeping us as a voyeuristic distance. Also, fun fact: they play (a fucking epic) Strawberry Letter 23 by the Brothers Johnson, which also appears on the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. Go figure. 

The Characters: I know the movie is called Jackie Brown, but in my mind, this is the Ordell Robbie story. If you watch this movie for anything, you have to watch it for Samuel L. Jackson. This is, hands down, my favorite performance he's ever given. Granted, Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction is probably my favorite character Samuel L. Jackson has under his belt, but if you want a solid display of Jackson's acting skills, turn to Ordell. Ordell is a mean motherfuckin' gangster. Hard like panther. He's not Samuel L. Jackson's typical anti-hero or Jedi. He's a genuinely manipulative, evil son of a bitch. But he's also a character with a lot of subtly to him. He's paranoid, he's got a big ego, and he's got a soft spot for his "surfer girl." Oh, and did I mention the hair? Scrap everything I just said. See it for the hair.

Max Cherry + Puppy Dog Eyes.

Then, of course, there's my girl Jackie Brown. One of the most badass Tarantino women of all time. What's so great about Jackie Brown? Well, for starters, she's about the least likely badass around. She's a 40-something fight attendant working for a shitty airport. Despite her humble appearances, she's got the brain of an expert thief and works the system to her advantage. She knows how to smuggle, how to steal, but more importantly, how to get exactly what she wants. The funny thing is, she's not even that great of a manipulator. She manipulates by telling the truth. If she wants something, she'll tell you upfront exactly what she wants. She doesn't beat around the bush. But she's so confident and methodical, it's really hard to say no.

Of course, the interesting thing about Jackie Brown is that she is a really human character. She has her weaknesses. She gets emotional, she doesn't like being yelled at, and she has a soft spot for clothes shopping. But she's her own woman, and that is, in the end, what makes her stand out from the rest. She falls in love, but she doesn't give herself over to it. At the end of the day, she's still Jackie Brown: the one woman act. 

Speaking of love interest, Max Cherry, played by Robert Forster, is not actually my all-time favorite character. I understand he's supposed to be the hardboiled detective-style nice guy, and maybe that's the problem. Tarantino is talented at writing clever, can't-help-but-love-'em badasses who carry guns and wreck havoc. Max Cherry doesn't even drink or smoke. He just has too much of a halo for Quentin Tarantino's pen. Or maybe it's just Robert Forster I'm not a big fan of. Either way, his character has a bad habit of draining the energy from the screen, which is something this dude cannot abide. The only time he gets really interesting is when he mentions holding a stun gun, but by that time we're already more than halfway into the movie and he's already racked up too many yawns.

AKA: the misfits of the criminal world.

And then we've got our lovable side-characters. Robert De Niro, possibly one of the last people I'd expect in a Tarantino film, is hilarious as the frumpy ex-convict. But his best bits are, without a doubt, his scenes with Bridget Fonda. She's gorgeous and has great feet, which is really all you want from a Tarantino-girl. She plays the snide, pothead surfer-girl, Melanie, and possibly one of my favorite characters in the film if only for her snark and her attitude. Together, they're brilliant and add a good deal of energy to the movie. 

Other than that, we've got Michael Keaton playing Ray Nicolette, the sneaky tool of an ATF agent. He's slick, and more than that, a lot slicker than he thinks he is. His partner is the slightly more down-to-earth Mark Dargus (Michael Bowen), with an excellent mustache to his name. Chis Tucker plays his typical high-energy fuck up. And be on the look out for Simone. That's all I can say about her.

The Conversation: The phone debate. Without a doubt. It's the first full-scene of the film (minus the Jackie Brown credit sequence) and yet has got to be my favorite. Ordell goes off on his love of guns ("AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes."), Melanie shows off her legs, and Louis (De Niro) looks stuck somewhere in between the two. And then the phone goes off, and Ordell and Melanie get caught in a game of chicken, fighting over who has to answer the phone. If ever a man could explode someone's head with his eyes, it would be Samuel L. Jackson.

The Iconic Moment: Ordell spends about five minutes convincing Beaumont to get inside the trunk of his car so Beaumont can help him with the element of surprise during a trade-off. After a good couple guilt-trips, threats, and finally an appeal to Beaumont's stomach, the other man climbs in the trunk of Ordell's car. Ordell pumps up the music, smiles, and drives around the block into an abandoned lot, where he opens the trunk and unloads his gun in Beaumont. Genius. Pure genius. Everything about that scene drips with brilliant screenwriting. And this is why Tarantino is iconic. 

The Mexican Standoff: Don't remember the Mexican Standoff in Jackie Brown? That would be because there isn't one. It's one of the few Tarantino films that doesn't have a Mexican Standoff, though I am tempting to count the phone-debate in this category.

Classic Tarantino shot.

And that's all for Jackie Brown! Brilliant, underrated Tarantino film. If you haven't seen it, fix that. Immediately. Up next in the QT Blogathon is...drum roll...Kill Bill Vol. 1! It's one of my favorites, one of the Tarantinos I've seen the most, and has the gorgeous Uma Thurman. I'm stoked. If you have any Jackie Brown posts, hit me up at mhufstader (at) gm.slc.edu sometime around today or tomorrow and I'll put them up. So far, I've got no one in the Jackie Brown camp, so I might just have a post solely for you! Otherwise, email me between now and the end of August with something about Kill Bill Vol. 1 and I'll add it to my jar of eyeballs collection. 

BAMF Of The Week: Joss Whedon

JOSS WHEDON

"Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE."

It's hard to ignore Joss Whedon. While he occasionally gets lost in the cracks of fandom, cult, and short-lived shows, it's impossible to turn a blind-eye to the brilliance that is Whedon. And with the success of The Avengers, it's clear that Whedon is ready for some long-due, wide-spread recognition. But to all the people who love spaceships, aliens, and anti-heroes, we've had Whedon on our radar for a long time. Why? Because the man's a fucking genius. He is to sci-fi what Taratino is to the gangster genre. His worlds are always well-developed. His characters are always complex and relatable. And you always cry when someone dies. He knows how to develop actual arcs, something that seems completely foreign to scripts these days. It makes every character an important, essential part to the story, where they might otherwise exist solely for some pre-slotted comic relief. Instead, they're all full, well-developed, relatable people. Every character will give you a reason to love them at some point, and a reason to hate them. Ensemble casts are really where his strength lies--but damn, do they shine. Oh, and did I mention he's created some of the scariest fucking monsters ever?

The real essence of his work, however, lies in the utter humanity of it all. There's always a very human element to the way the characters relate to each other, to the way they speak to each other, to the way they fuck up and redeem themselves. And he does it all with crisp snark and engaging dialogue. As Melissa says in her review of The Avengers: "You would never mistake the dialogue in a Whedon project with any other. It would be like saying a Kawasaki sounds just like a Harley-Davidson." Amen, sister.

Best Works: The Avengers (2012), Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (2008), Firefly (2002-3). I know, I know. But where the hell is Buffy the Vampire Slayer? I have many reasons to watch Buffy. There's a strong, attractive female lead, there's a crap-ton of badassitry, Anthony Head is in it, and there's a lesbian supporting character. Not to mention, it's the show that single-handedly put Whedon on the map. All the things in the world I love. I just...haven't quite got around to it yet. I know. Stab me with a stake and let's be done with.

Worst Works: He's Joss Whedon, bitch. Bad script isn't in his vocabulary.

Best Quote: Whedon is a master of words and it's hard to pick one epic monologue from another. However. It's imperative that everyone watches the following clip. I know I do a lot of talk about badass women, but. This. Fucking. This.

Other than that, I'm in the middle of Dollhouse (2009) and I have yet to see The Cabin in the Woods (2011). Onto the to-do list!

The Girl On Fire. Who Played With Fire. Fire Fire.

THE HUNGER GAMES (2012)

Image from themoviebanter.com.

If theres anything I love more than midnight showings, it's midnight showing with a big fan base. It happened with Harry Potter, it happened with Lord of the Rings, and it happened with The Hunger Games. When it's not so much a movie as it is an event--people waiting in line for hours wearing shirts with lines like "I'd go gay for Gale" or Capitol citizen costumes. Others curled up against the wall, noses in the books. As someone who's read all the Hunger Games trilogy, (what the crap, literacy?), I was stoked. And whether it was midnight movie fever or something in the water, the movie gave me everything I wanted. And then some. But there was one, small thing nagging me. Pulling at the back of my brain. One tiny little detail, not about the movie itself, but about the hype around the movie that gets under my skin. Therefore, in order to rectify the atrocities committed to this movie regarding the controversy surrounding it, let's settle this once and for all, shall we? Fifteen paces, draw your weapon, aim, and--

7 REASONS
WHY I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU COMPARE HUNGER GAMES TO TWILIGHT:

1. Panem > Sparkly Vampires

Image from cleancutmedia.com.

Out of everything I was looking forward to, it was definitely the world of Panem itself that had me on the edge of my seat. There is little I love more than futuristic dystopian societies and the world laid out in The Hunger Games is really something else. It's well thought out, epic, and the movie doesn't miss a detail. I'd say more about it, but you really have to see it to understand.

2. Elizabeth Banks > Kristen Stewart

Image from mplyinfo.blogspot.com.

The acting. Was phenomenal. And I'm super fucking picky when it comes to book-to-movie character adaptations. If an actor doesn't have the right face (which, let's face it, he never will, because no one can ever live up to fictional expectations), I get cranky and bitch and hold grudges (why, Tom Hanks, why did you ever think you could pull off Robert Langdon?). So I was fully expecting to have an actor or two to gripe about by time the movie finished. But the credits began to roll and I, to my surprise, had no complaints. Literally. None. The actors were all spot on, perfectly cast, and acted exactly how I imagined the characters to be. They each stayed true to the spirit of the book--and, hell, even surpassed it sometimes. Seneca Crane? I did not pay attention to that bastard in the novel. Couldn't even remember his name. In the movie, however, he was a stark raving badass. And I wholeheartedly approve. Another mention has to go to Elizabeth Banks, who killed the role. In a good way. I mean, slaughtered it and skullfucked it. She owned Effie Trinket and stole every shot she was in. Even Peeta, who's an annoying little bitch of a character, completely came to life under Josh Hutcherson's practiced smile.

And I have to give a moment for Katniss. Simply because something very, very weird happened. I have a lot of faith in Jennifer Lawrence's acting skills, so I knew she could pull off the reluctant rebel. However, what I didn't expect was that I actually liked Katniss more in the movie than I did in the book. Mainly because I didn't have to get inside her head and listen to every petty teenage girl thought that came out of her head. Katniss simply was--a young woman who will do anything to survive so she can go home and take care of her sister. A character a little rough around the edges, but someone we can connect to on a very human level. In short, Jennifer Lawrence, you win.

3. Haymitch > Everything

Image from aceshowbiz.com.

Woody Harrelson has never failed to impress me in the past, and he certainly shines on as Katniss and Peeta's bitter and alcoholic mentor who is given the task to train them for the battlefield. Because, really, when you're about to enter an arena with 23 other bloodthirsty kids fighting for their lives, who doesn't want a drunken Woody Harrelson to guide the way? So maybe he's not Katniss' choice power animal, but he's definitely a scene stealer. I saw the midnight opening-night showing of Hunger Games, so the audience was especially lively, but it didn't take an expert to realize that every time Woody Harrelson showed his face, it lit a match under everyone's funny bone. Even with the fugly blonde hair.

4. Slaughtering Children > Teen Pregnancy

Really. What do you want to watch, an teen battle with the drama of getting pregnant by her vampire boyfriend or children with fucking bows and arrows and swords and throwing knives slaughtering one another mercilessly? You want the barely legal bloodbath, am I right? Right? No? Just me? Er, moving right along...

5. Feeling Things > Feeling Nothing

Image from thesnipenews.com.

One thing I did not expect from Hunger Games was the tone of the movie. When you have a big budget film based on a high grossing novel, you tend to expect it to be sleek and smooth and polished off with that shiny, fake Hollywood polish. Especially when it's rated PG-13. But they didn't back away from the grittier side to Hunger Games. Instead, the movie is intense, even brutal at times, and always visceral. We're with Katniss, in her head, without the bad side-effects of an angst teenager's inner monologue. When she's on stage, we get the overwhelming sensation of being in front of a large audience, their cheers overpowering. When she's hazy and feverish, we get the stilted feeling of being jerked in and out of a linear reality. It's one of those things you'll either love or hate, but I personally really enjoyed. It made it impossible to simply watch the movie without feeling completely involved, eyes and body.

There is a downside to visceral-type movies, though. They're usually not great at action scenes. Why? Well, because when you're getting the shit kicked out of you, everything is a fuzzy, jolting blur. Which is bad enough to experience, but incomprehensible to watch. There were a couple fight scenes that had me scratching my head to figure out who exactly was punching what now? Still, I stand by that this technique works...most of the time. They just need to learn how to keep the camera still for action sequences and we'll be good.

6. Katniss > Bella Swan

Image from allkindsofcomplicated.blogspot.com.

I know, I know. I ogle any hot woman with a lethal weapon in hand. Guilty as charged. That aside, Katniss is the shit. She holds her own, she's epic with a bow and arrow, and she's extraordinarily self-sufficient. Bitch doesn't need no man carrying her purse. She's a strong and able woman who can (more or less) stand on her own two feet. Sure, she's a teenage girl and occasionally needs a kick in the right direction. But what we like about Katniss is that she's completely self-reliant.

And, yes. There's romance. There's a love triangle. It's going to turn into this long, drawn out thing for the rest of the series. But while Bella Swan was torn between a stalker and a furry, Katniss is torn between two men who have faith in her strength and support her. C'mon. Not to mention, the main love of Katniss' life isn't some guy. It's her little sister. Their relationship is palpable in the movie. You feel how much she loves her little sister and then directs that love onto Rue. And look--two women! In a movie! In a competitive sport! Getting along! The horror, the horror! Rue and Katniss have a lovely little sistamance, and it warms my cold and shrinking heart. 

7. Resistance > Domestic Abuse

Image from themoviebanter.com.

Forget every reason that's come before this, because this is the real kicker. And where I show my true, blue colors. The thing that really kills me about both The Hunger Games and Twilight is that they're Young Adult novels. Meant for...young adults. Kids. The movies always slide under the R rating so they can get a young audience to see them. However, when I have a kid and I name her Badass Jr., the last thing I want is for her to come to me and say, "Hey, guess what I learned about today! Sex is evil and men verbally threaten women to show affection and babies eat their way out of their mother's stomach!" No. Not cool. Kids need knowledge. Especially in this day and age, the age of movements like the Egyptian Revolution and Occupy Wall Street, they need stories about government and rebellion. Star Wars does it--the tyrannical government, the rebellion that fights for all the right causes.

The Hunger Games gives us a girl who doesn't care much for politics--she just wants to feed her family. But she gets swept up in the wave of it and comes face to face with government corruption as well as the various walls you hit when fighting a resistance: who is the enemy? Where do you draw the line between "what they are capable of" and "what we are capable of"? How do you defeat the enemy without playing the enemy's game? Now, maybe there's some grand message about the role of vampires in society in Twilight that I'm missing out on because, frankly, my dear, I just don't give a shit, but what it comes down to is The Hunger Games is a smart, relevant movie and good for Rebel Alliance children of all ages.

So let this be the last time The Hunger Games is ever mentioned alongside Twilight just because they're both successful YA novels. The Hunger Games is not Twilight, President Obama is not a muslim, and marrying your cousin is still a bad idea. Now that we've got some basic facts in our brainpan, let's compare Hunger Games to movies that it can actually relate to, like Battle Royale, even if Suzanne Collins is still pretending she's never seen it. Or even Hanna (2010), which the movie itself gave a nod to by including Marissa's Flashback from the Hanna soundtrack (and I wet myself with excitement just a little bit). Really, this movie is fucking epic. If bloodthirsty teenagers, Woody Harrelson, and epic sistamances are your thing, see it. 

Top Five Deadly Little Kids

TOP FIVE DEADLY LITTLE KIDS

Here we are, just a day away from Hunger Games (2012). At least, a day if you're crazy like me and already have tickets to thursday's midnight show. Either way, that shit's coming up soon, and in the meantime we're all going to rock back and forth and pray that is doesn't turn into some Twilight sparkly eye candy crap. I want children, on a big screen, getting their guts torn out. Is that so much to ask for? Either way, to boost my hope that this movie will be as wonderfully, epically violent as the books were, I've decided to compile a list of the top five deadly little kids you do not want to steal candy from.  

5. Anakin Skywalker. 

Last Spotted: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999). 

Body Count: This little turd killed the hopes and dreams of thousands upon thousands of Star Wars fans. It's geek genocide.

4. Go-Go.

Last Spotted: Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003).

Body Count: She gives The Bride a run for her money. Plus, she goes fucking medieval on her ass.

3. Hit-Girl.

Last Spotted: Kick-Ass (2010).

Body Count: How many people can beat the shit out of Mark Strong and get away with it? And how many of those people are child assassins? 

2. Mitsuko.

Last Spotted: Battle Royale (2000). Also known as the better and bloodier Hunger Games.

Body Count: She manipulates and slaughters her way through the arena. With a fucking scythe. What is it with me and Japanese school girls today?

1. Hanna.

Last Spotted: Hanna (2011).
Body Count: She's a lean, mean, scrappy little fighting machine. Seriously. Don't mess with this bitch.

And if those five deadly children don't scare you into ripping your uterus out, these might:
Those two little shits from The Shining (1980).

Mahilda from Leon: The Professional (1994).
John Connor from Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991).
Claudia from Interview With The Vampire (1994).
Hayley Stark from Hard Candy (2005).

Pedophiles: this is your final warning. Any lethal children I missed?

"Put It On Your Google Calendar."

THE CODE (2011)

The Code movie poster.

Today is the day for much badassitry! First off, I hit 50 followers. Which might sound like chicken feed to most of you, but for me, it's warms my armor-clad heart to know there are so many badasses out there, who have been oh-so-good to me and who I will all count on to line up behind with with a weapon of choice when the Mayan zombies come (I call crossbow). And so, since I'd like you guys to have my back when those brain munchers go for my skull, I have to give a shout-out to my 50th follower--Rojo's Film Reviews!--who have found an excellent way to spice up the marriage bed...competitive movie reviews! Check them out, they're good fun. 

Speaking of zombies! I have to call in the second order of badassitry today. Just yesterday, I was contacted by actor Taylor Brandt, who requested that I take a look at his short film, The Code (2011), which won the Splatterfest Festival in Houston. I'd been both looking forward to and dreading the day when I would get a personal appeal for a review--after all, no one wants to be that reviewer to have to rip apart a film that goes out of its way to make itself known to you. Luckily, I didn't have to suffer that dilemma--The Code was badass all on its own. The Code is a short, 6 minute horror-comedy (horcom?) that contemplates the age old question--when you throw two human victims at a bunch of movie monsters, who gets the first bite?

The killer cast of characters includes a slew of flesh-eating zombies, a slasher villain, a vampire, and, of course, Bigfoot. Only this time the zombies are the more logical-minded "in the know" bunch, the slasher villain whines when he doesn't get his way, the vampire is too elusively goth for anyone to care, and Bigfoot is...well. Bigfoot. Not to mention the unfortunate picnicking human couple who end up at the top of the menu (one of them is a porn star...you have two guesses to figure out which one). The banter between the leader zombie, Shaun, and the slasher villain, Carl, while they argue over whose day of the week it is to kill is hilarious and, thanks to the short running time, doesn't overstay its welcome.

Past the half-brain jokes and blood seeping jaws, the real draw of this short for me was, of course, my ultimate weakness. My kryptonite. A beautiful woman with a baby doll smile who wields a lethal weapon with ease. None other than the classy and vicious Vanna Helsing who completely steals the third act from the undead jaws of the other players in a brilliantly executed twist. I could've watched her beat the shit out of Hollywood horrors for another 30 minutes without getting tired of her swagger. In short: yes, Vanna Helsing, I am enjoying this as much as you are.

Catch the short yourself on funnyordie here.

BAMF Of The Week: Gina Carano

GINA CARANO

"You better run."

Don't even pretend like you're surprised. I know she's a bit of a "baby BAMF" since Haywire is her own real claim to faith so far, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm smitten. And this time, it has nothing only a little to do with the fact that I'm a lumberjack dyke. It's the fact that Gina Carano is just that badass. And more than that--she's bringing old school badassitry back. What I like most about Gina Carano is that she offers us hope. Hope that we can ditch the heartless, soulless age of CGI and return to what's real. Don't get me wrong--I like a good, pretty, special effects filled movie just as much as the next person. But it's been a while since we've had action heroes of Arnold Schwarzenegger proportions. Or Bruce Lee. Or Jackie Chan. These men are legends for a reason. They're built for war, they do their own stunts, and they're badass to the core.

There's a difference between actors who play the role of ass kicker and ass kickers who play the role of actors. I'm not saying one is particularly "better" than the other but...I am saying that, despite the recent trend for actors to do their own stunts, it's been a while since we've had a professional athlete like Gina Carano own the stage. In short, this BAMF Of The Week half goes to Gina Carano, and half goes to the hope that we'll see more action heroes like Gina Carano and Zoe Bell in days to come. You know. Before the Mayan Zombies eat our brains.

Best film: Haywire (2012).

Worst film: I haven't seen anything else of hers, but there's rumors that she'll be in the next Percy Jackson movie. I'm hoping this isn't true, since it kind of blows a very large giant hole in...this entire BAMF post.

Best moments: Whooping Michael Fassbender's ass.

Upcoming: No other news besides Percy Jackson...but I've still got my fingers crossed for Mallory reprise.

In the end, there's no better way to sum her up except to say in the wise words of the interwebs...

Modesty Blaise: Double Feature!

MODESTY BLAISE (1966)

Image from listal.

It's really only fair that Modesty Blaise follows James Bond (with a little Haywire in between--I got a little too excited about that movie and prematurely reviewaculated), as she is the 007 of women. She's the women every man wants and every woman wants to be. I mean...you know. James Bond with tits and a bad acid trip. The thing about Modesty Blaise is that it's your quintessential 60s movie. You have to go in knowing that or else you might squawk in surprise for the first half of the film like a violated chicken. Everything is weird and nothing makes sense, but you leave with the vague impression that you've been smacked in the face with an Andy Warhol.

I'm pretty sure there was a plot. Something about Modesty Blaise, the government spy type, being doubled crossed by...someone. I'm also pretty sure I zoned out halfway through, so I'm sure there was a little more to the plot than that. But the fact that my attention fizzled and died says it all, really. Credit where credit is due--Modesty Blaise packs some punches. Naturally, her biggest asset as a spy is her pretty smile and her way to charm everyone she meets (really. Everyone. She even has a small army of stereotypical arabs in her pocket). But the really wild thing about her is she's not afraid to kill. With a smile. Which is honestly a little chilling, because she's more or less what Audrey Hepburn would look like if she went M16. Now imagine Holy Go-fuckin'-lightly pulling a Patrick Bateman at the end of Breakfast at Tiffany's and you catch my drift. As for the actors themselves, Monica Vitta plays Modesty Blaise and does a good job of it. The only other one really worth mentioning is Terence Stamp, who plays her platonic (question mark?) partner in crime. I have a large soft spot for Terence Stamp, which is weird because he doesn't actually have a very large claim to fame, but he's always done good in my book.

But what this movie really has to offer is atmosphere. In bucketfuls. I don't know what was more colorful in this movie--the characters or the wallpaper. The outfits would have made David Bowie blush, the set design is trippy as hell, and the props are quite literally out of this world. And did I mention there are musical numbers? It couldn't get campier if two unicorns were having sex on a rainbow. Lady Gaga, eat your heart out.

In short, it's a great movie to have in the background while you have the pot smoke burning and the lava lamps glowing. As a cinematic story, I'm not sure it actually holds up. But it's visually amazing, generally good fun, and has a couple ridiculous musical numbers if that's your kind of thing.

MY NAME IS MODESTY (2004)

Image from www.blurayvn.com.

So, for reasons unbeknownst to...just about everyone in the modern world, for some reason, we've decided to pull Miss Modesty Blaise out of retirement. I have a vague suspicion that it might have something to do with the fact that Quentin Tarantino produced it. My Name Is Modesty has very little do with the original movie. We've picked up the pace, we've cut down on the flash, and we've modernized it. A shit ton. 

My Name Is Modesty follows Modesty Blaise, who now works in a casino. Which is all well and fine. Until, of course, a group of criminals come to collect what's theirs at the casino and find one very challenging roadblock in their way--Modesty Blaise. The only one who can let them into the vault. And so begins a long night of a cat and mouse game between Modesty Blaise and her captors. On a bet, she ends up telling them her history in entirety. It's really an origins story for Modesty Blaise, splashed with the nice tense background of a hold up at a casino. 

Modesty and the 7th Dwarf.

Modesty Blaise is played by Alexandra Staden, who comes across as a sleek, manipulative woman, always in control of herself and those around her. She has an edge of morbid humor and an uncanny ability to stare her attackers in the eye, even when they have a gun pointed at her. In short, she's a badass, but subtly so. In the other corner, we have the thief, Miklos, played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. If that name sounds familiar, you've been watching too much Game Of Thrones. Yes, Modesty is a badass, but this guy really steals the movie. He's sadistic, but in that way that taps into the campy, B-movie spirit of the film. He's smarmy, but at the same time very human. He's used to being in control when he has a gun in his hand, and it's a lot of fun watching him trying to figure out how to psych out Modesty, who is unshakable. 

Her origins story itself is a lot of fun. It has everything you could want from it--the wise old mentor, the young rebel girl, the story of these two surviving against the odds. Despite the fact that there's only really one fight scene at the end, the movie moves along at a clip pace and keeps you engaged. It helps that it runs a neat 77 minutes and is on instant play on Netflix. If you need a good rainy day movie or have an hour to kill, My Name Is Modesty is good, solid, B-movie fun. 

"You Shouldn't Think Of Her As A Woman."

HAYWIRE (2012)

Run, Forrest, run!

"You shouldn't think of her as a woman. That would be a mistake" is the way Ewan McGregor sweet talks the freelance spy Michael Fassbender into double-crossing the force of nature, Gina Carano. Yet I couldn't ignore the fact that Gina Carano was a no nonsense, ass-kicking action heroine, and it had nothing to do with her body (well...90% not to do with her body). It's no secret that I have a soft spot for badass chicks, so when I saw the trailer for Haywire, I prayed to Chuck Norris that it would deliver. And, oh. It motherfucking delivered. And then some. Haywire was not only a movie about a badass woman...it was just a badass movie all around. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (2011) did the slightly-too-slow building espionage thriller (thriller? Can I even call it a thriller when the thrill took so long?), Drive (2011) did artsy action film (action film? Can I even call it an action film when the majority of the action happened in the first five minutes?), and while both were awesome, neither really stabbed me in the heart and sunk it in to the hilt for me. Haywire was neither too hot nor too cold--it was just as badass as it needed to be. 

Being a BAMF.

Let's start with the beating, bloody heart of it: Gina Carano. Gina Carano is an action heroine with a gritty integrity that we haven't seen since the Bruce Lees and the Arnold Schwarzeneggers and the Jean-Claude Van Dammes of the 70s and 80s. She's a mixed martial arts fighter first, an actor second. Which means, in short, that she's not your stick figure action hero woman--this woman has enough meat and muscle on her to actually look the part. You would not want to get in a bar fight with her. Up until Haywire, she'd only been in a handful of tv movies, but she'd mainly been focusing all of her energies on kicking ass. And it pays off. Eat your heart out, Zoe Bell. Granted, the role of hardass tough guy doesn't quite need a woman with a large acting range. But who ever complained that Arnold just didn't bring enough tears into Predator (1987)? The beauty of the role is that Gina Carano is an actress with no baggage and she slips into Mallory's skin seamlessly and effortlessly. 

Speaking of Mallory. One of the great things about Mallory is that, yes, she is a ruthless, professional spy. But she isn't James Bond. She doesn't blindly throw herself out of a window without any idea of where it might lead. Instead, she has moments where she'll be mid-action and she'll actually stop for a couple seconds just to look around her, take in her situation, and plot her next move. It just so happens that her next move might include throwing herself out a window...but she knows where she'll land. She's impulsive, but she's well-trained, and she easily adapts to wiggle out of every corner she gets boxed into.

Aerial ass-kickery.

As for her wiggling, the fight scenes were fantastic. Really. Did I mention this woman kicks fucking ass? The action is just brilliant. The best part about it is that it's stripped down naked. We don't get slow motion fist-collisions, we don't get that shaky camera that leaves you trying to figure out who hit what. They barely even bother with quick-cuts into different camera angles. Instead, they keep us exactly where we need to be--in the middle of the action. Right alongside Mallory. This isn't to say Steven Soderbergh doesn't have a few tricks up his sleeve. The way he filmed each action sequence was definitely unique, but in a nice, subtle way. Example, one of the most tense fight scenes happens on a beach where most of the hard physical blows are drowned out under the sound of the water breaking on the shore. So yes, there is a degree of artsy aesthetics to this movie, but not so much that it ever takes away from what the movie is at its core--a heart-pounding, violence laden action movie. 

Can haz be in Fassbender's shoes?

Even Mallory's male posse fails to distract from the action of the movie. In any other female action hero flick, there's almost always the handsome hunk who leads us astray with a dull and lifeless plot line that we only put up with so we can see the female lead take off her clothes. They do it in male lead action movies too, with a tedious and ill conceived romantic plot aimed to heighten the stakes or some bullshit. My rule? If I wanted to watch romance, I would've let my better half pick the movie tonight. And with a movie like Haywire, filled to the teeth with tasty hunks of man flesh, it's tempting to throw in the cheap romantic subplot. And Haywire isn't entirely off the hook in this regard. But when it's done, it's done. It's subtle, it's tasteful, and (thank god) short lived. And considering the amount of sexual chemistry between the two (or should I say lack thereof), it might as well be classified more as a bromance than any real romance. There is no real sexual distraction in this movie. Even during the bit where Mallory and Michael Fassbender pretend to be arm candy in the classic newlyweds play, there is no genuine sexual chemistry. Are there a good couple sexual plays during the fight scene? She wraps her thighs around his throat, you fill in the blanks. But between the characters themselves? They're both exceedingly professional and don't even bother with batting eyes at each other. Which tells us something about Mallory--papa didn't raise no foo'.

I don't think I need to tell you that all the other actors hold their own. I mean, c'mon. Michael Douglas, Ewan McGregor, Antonio Banderas, Michael Fassbender. They have it written in their contracts that they must be badass at all times. The only one I was a little worried was Channing Tatum since I know nothing about him except that he made a bunch of bad movies geared to 14 year old girls with friendship bracelets, but he held his own with the rest of them. Everyone delivered. And they all (more or less) did their own fight scenes. Rock the fuck on. 

It's a simple, clear cut, well done action movie. The acting is great. The exposition is great. The pacing is great. Honestly, my only complaint about Haywire was that there wasn't enough of it. Haywire II, anyone? I've even got a title for you: Haywire II: Revenge Of The Moose. You know you want it. 

BAMF Of The Week: Noomi Rapace

NOOMI RAPACE
"I'm interested in people's darker side."

It's really no secret that I want to have all of Noomi Rapace's babies. But this is coming from a woman who harbors an unhealthy lust for Uma Thurman, so I have a bit of a sweet tooth for women with guns. The thing about Noomi Rapace is she's not your average pretty woman. She's got that harsh Swedish thing going on, that whole "fuck you, I'm a woman in control of my destiny" vibe, which in Hollywood terms means she might as well have leprosy. Still, she's shaken off her Swedish skin and has been very quickly climbing the ladder of American cinema, purely on account of the fact that she just exudes badassitry. And that is something you've really got to give an actress props for. There are very few women who can hold their own in Hollywood without playing the damsel in distress every other film (and by "very few women", I really mean just one), but Rapace seems to really be digging her heels into mainstream movies and landing great roles. So maybe Hollywood will chew her up and spit her out in a couple years, so while this trend of badassitry is climbing high for her, I'm going to enjoy it while I can. 

Best films: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009), Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows (2011).

Worst films: To my knowledge, none, yet. Granted, I haven't checked out any of her Swedish films, because...you know. AMERICA! But if anyone knows if any of them are good, toss them my way.

Best moments: "I'M A SADISTIC PIG AND A RAPIST."

Upcoming films: She landed a leading role alongside Michael Fassbender in Ridley's Scott's Prometheus (2012). Has there ever been so much badassitry in one sentence?

"I'll More Than Alarm You."

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011)

Prepare for battle...

Everyone's thinking it, not so many people are saying it. Let's just go all out, shall we? I call it...BATTLE OF THE REMAKE! In one corner, those crazy Swedish bastards. In the other corner, AMERICA! It should be known that the referee is only literate in the language of Chuck Norris' body hair, so she was unable to read the novel these movies were based on. It should also be known that copious spoilers lay ahead, and honey badger don't give a shit. Let the fighting commence!

Round One:

The thing that really sold the US version of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo for me was the new and improved Mikael. Honestly, I can't tell you what it is about Michael Nyqvist. Maybe I just don't like his face. Whatever the case, Nyqvist bored me to tears. I couldn't get into his character, I couldn't get into him period. But I didn't really have time to care because I was too busy drooling over Noomi Rapace's awesome. Either way, I went into the US version expecting much of the same. Sure, I love Daniel Craig and I've got a lot of faith in him. But Mikael is just...a white rice character. Well. Let's just say I was pleasantly surprised, and I owe 99% of that to one very important character. The cat. I don't know what it is, probably a cat woman dyke thing, but watching 007 play with a kitty cat is incredibly endearing. And so I decided Mikael could have a place in my heart. He likes cats, he's got a good personality, and he's got multiple little faucets of his self for us to touch on--his affair, his ex-wife, his daughter. All of it rounds out to a good, interesting Mikael Blomkvist. In short, Daniel Craig has to work very hard to disappoint me.

And the winner is...Daniel Craig and his pussy.

Round Two:

Ah, what I wouldn't give for this to be a physical cat fight. The thing about Rooney Mara is I liked her. A shit ton more than I thought I would. Let's face it, the woman had big shoes to fill and tiny feet to fill them with. But instead of completely trying to replicate Noomi Rapace's job well done, she took the character down a La Femme Nikita road. Lisbeth became much more pure animal instinct, and for that, I have to give the little ball of energy Rooney Mara mad props. But with her almost too-intense eyes peering out of her doll face, she felt less like Lisbeth Salander and more like something Tim Burton might concoct. Noomi Rapace is a gritty, badass punk who still carries with her a sharp edge of humanity underneath the smoldering flames of the violence that lives inside of her. Or I just want to get in her pants. Either or. 

And the winner is...Noomi Rapace (be still my beating heart).

Round Three:

If anyone remembers my previous review of the Swedish version (The Girl With The Occasional Hangnail), you'll know that I bitched at length about Mikael and Lisbeth's relationship. There was just something about it that simply didn't sit right with me. Then I saw Craig and Rooney Mara. I do get the feeling I might have been subliminally forced into liking it since there were so many attractive promotional images of the two together. Nonetheless, Mara and Craig had great on screen chemistry. They worked brilliantly off each other, and despite their clear differences, somehow seemed to fit. I think what it all comes down to is the fact that Fincher took the time to include trivial, yet touching intimate moments. Something as simple as Lisbeth demanding Mikael to keep his hands on her while she worked somehow added that much more to their relationship, making it feel natural and flow easily through the movie instead of forcing a connection.

And the winner is...Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara.

Round Four:

Also known as, "and then another incestuous Swede walks into a bar...". One of the main problems with the first movie was that I just couldn't follow along. Maybe it was the subtitles. It's entirely possible I'm just that much of a stupid American. Whatever the case, everyone just felt like another Swedish Nazi having sex with his sister. In the American version, Fincher seemed to breath a little more life into the important family members and then shrugged off the rest of the snippy old bitches like dried up snake skin. Sure, I'm sure important plot points were lost thanks to America's "time is money" philosophy. But who really wants to listen to Aunt Helga whine and cough up cat fur?

And the winner is...David Fincher.

Round Five:

Alright. So I'll be blunt. With tag lines like "the feel bad movie of the year", I was expecting to feel a little more brutalized. Yes, the rape was brutal as all hell. Yes, the post-rape shower made me physically uncomfortable. Good job. But skip ahead a little bit to Lisbeth's revenge. Yes, she goes through the exact same motions. But what's that? While she was tying her rapist up, she had time to do her makeup? So you're telling me she just decided, in the middle of this emotionally and physically violent scene, to play a little dress up? Alllllrighty then. Skip ahead a little more. When Mikael is squirming between the jaws of Vanger Jr. Martin Vanger has Nazi blood, a childhood fraught with violence, and he's a pathological sadist who gets off on brutally raping and killing random women. Got it. Now look at Craig. He looks...vaguely uncomfortable? He's got a neck brace on. Now, I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever had to wear a neck brace will tell you how extraordinary uncomfortable they are. Because, you know. They chafe and stuff. Right. Now let's skip to Nyqvist, who has a hangman's cheap noose wrapped around his throat. Call me old fashioned, but there's something about Nyqvist's torture that hits a more visceral note, despite Craig's good acting and the excellent help of our friend the plastic bag.

What I'm trying to get at here is between the heavily made up raccoon eyes Rooney Mara sports while she sodomizes her rapist and the odd little neck brace, I get the feeling Fincher got a little caught up in the theatrics when he really just needed to zero in on the genuine, visceral, bloody heart of the moment. The more visually appealing brutality is, the less it hurts. I know what you're thinking. M., lay off. It just looks cool. You're right. You're totally right. I mean, it's not like people are going to entirely miss the point of the movie and make a clothing line based off a mildly psychopathic rape victim, right?...Guys? Right?

And the winner is...Noomi Rapace and her terrifying tattoo skills.

Round Six:

All's well that ends well. Or, you know. Drags out to the point of nibbling on popcorn kernels. Here's the thing. We kind of...don't give that many shits about Mikael's case. It was just a plot device used to get us to this super interesting missing woman case, and now that the case is solved, mission completed, job well done, we're ready to pack up and go home. Alright, so I get that this one isn't that easy to wrap up, we have to explain how Mikael gets off, we have to give Lisbeth a last moment of badassitry, we have to see our hero ride into the sunset with...well...a girl. But did it really need to last as long as it did? I was having LOTRs deja vu watching the multiple endings drag out in front of me. Yeah, so the Swedish version dragged on just as long. But somehow I expected it to drag, since the whole movie had been a lot slower, a lot quieter. Fincher's version was much more fast paced and action packed, so when he dragged his feet through the end, I felt it. 

And the winner is...Zer Svedish.

And The Winner Is...

Er...that's a bit of a tough answer. Especially considering the fact that they've officially tied and I've got no tie-breaker. Look, what it comes down to is, they were both excellent movies in their own right. Usually I feel strongly about one version, but this time I could swing either way. Really, if we could just do this movie one more time mixing and matching the best bits from each movie, I'd be happy. As it is, I'll be content to watch both versions multiple times to satisfy my masochistic love for this brilliant, dark movie.