"You Shouldn't Think Of Her As A Woman."

HAYWIRE (2012)

Run, Forrest, run!

"You shouldn't think of her as a woman. That would be a mistake" is the way Ewan McGregor sweet talks the freelance spy Michael Fassbender into double-crossing the force of nature, Gina Carano. Yet I couldn't ignore the fact that Gina Carano was a no nonsense, ass-kicking action heroine, and it had nothing to do with her body (well...90% not to do with her body). It's no secret that I have a soft spot for badass chicks, so when I saw the trailer for Haywire, I prayed to Chuck Norris that it would deliver. And, oh. It motherfucking delivered. And then some. Haywire was not only a movie about a badass woman...it was just a badass movie all around. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (2011) did the slightly-too-slow building espionage thriller (thriller? Can I even call it a thriller when the thrill took so long?), Drive (2011) did artsy action film (action film? Can I even call it an action film when the majority of the action happened in the first five minutes?), and while both were awesome, neither really stabbed me in the heart and sunk it in to the hilt for me. Haywire was neither too hot nor too cold--it was just as badass as it needed to be. 

Being a BAMF.

Let's start with the beating, bloody heart of it: Gina Carano. Gina Carano is an action heroine with a gritty integrity that we haven't seen since the Bruce Lees and the Arnold Schwarzeneggers and the Jean-Claude Van Dammes of the 70s and 80s. She's a mixed martial arts fighter first, an actor second. Which means, in short, that she's not your stick figure action hero woman--this woman has enough meat and muscle on her to actually look the part. You would not want to get in a bar fight with her. Up until Haywire, she'd only been in a handful of tv movies, but she'd mainly been focusing all of her energies on kicking ass. And it pays off. Eat your heart out, Zoe Bell. Granted, the role of hardass tough guy doesn't quite need a woman with a large acting range. But who ever complained that Arnold just didn't bring enough tears into Predator (1987)? The beauty of the role is that Gina Carano is an actress with no baggage and she slips into Mallory's skin seamlessly and effortlessly. 

Speaking of Mallory. One of the great things about Mallory is that, yes, she is a ruthless, professional spy. But she isn't James Bond. She doesn't blindly throw herself out of a window without any idea of where it might lead. Instead, she has moments where she'll be mid-action and she'll actually stop for a couple seconds just to look around her, take in her situation, and plot her next move. It just so happens that her next move might include throwing herself out a window...but she knows where she'll land. She's impulsive, but she's well-trained, and she easily adapts to wiggle out of every corner she gets boxed into.

Aerial ass-kickery.

As for her wiggling, the fight scenes were fantastic. Really. Did I mention this woman kicks fucking ass? The action is just brilliant. The best part about it is that it's stripped down naked. We don't get slow motion fist-collisions, we don't get that shaky camera that leaves you trying to figure out who hit what. They barely even bother with quick-cuts into different camera angles. Instead, they keep us exactly where we need to be--in the middle of the action. Right alongside Mallory. This isn't to say Steven Soderbergh doesn't have a few tricks up his sleeve. The way he filmed each action sequence was definitely unique, but in a nice, subtle way. Example, one of the most tense fight scenes happens on a beach where most of the hard physical blows are drowned out under the sound of the water breaking on the shore. So yes, there is a degree of artsy aesthetics to this movie, but not so much that it ever takes away from what the movie is at its core--a heart-pounding, violence laden action movie. 

Can haz be in Fassbender's shoes?

Even Mallory's male posse fails to distract from the action of the movie. In any other female action hero flick, there's almost always the handsome hunk who leads us astray with a dull and lifeless plot line that we only put up with so we can see the female lead take off her clothes. They do it in male lead action movies too, with a tedious and ill conceived romantic plot aimed to heighten the stakes or some bullshit. My rule? If I wanted to watch romance, I would've let my better half pick the movie tonight. And with a movie like Haywire, filled to the teeth with tasty hunks of man flesh, it's tempting to throw in the cheap romantic subplot. And Haywire isn't entirely off the hook in this regard. But when it's done, it's done. It's subtle, it's tasteful, and (thank god) short lived. And considering the amount of sexual chemistry between the two (or should I say lack thereof), it might as well be classified more as a bromance than any real romance. There is no real sexual distraction in this movie. Even during the bit where Mallory and Michael Fassbender pretend to be arm candy in the classic newlyweds play, there is no genuine sexual chemistry. Are there a good couple sexual plays during the fight scene? She wraps her thighs around his throat, you fill in the blanks. But between the characters themselves? They're both exceedingly professional and don't even bother with batting eyes at each other. Which tells us something about Mallory--papa didn't raise no foo'.

I don't think I need to tell you that all the other actors hold their own. I mean, c'mon. Michael Douglas, Ewan McGregor, Antonio Banderas, Michael Fassbender. They have it written in their contracts that they must be badass at all times. The only one I was a little worried was Channing Tatum since I know nothing about him except that he made a bunch of bad movies geared to 14 year old girls with friendship bracelets, but he held his own with the rest of them. Everyone delivered. And they all (more or less) did their own fight scenes. Rock the fuck on. 

It's a simple, clear cut, well done action movie. The acting is great. The exposition is great. The pacing is great. Honestly, my only complaint about Haywire was that there wasn't enough of it. Haywire II, anyone? I've even got a title for you: Haywire II: Revenge Of The Moose. You know you want it. 

"I'm Not Frightened. A Little Terrified, Maybe."

SHALLOW GRAVE (1994)

The ultimate third date movie?

So this one has a bit of a back story. Every now and then, my girlfriend and I have "date night", in which we, like the cinematic junkies we are, pull a movie from the pile and cuddle up like good lesbians to watch it. We'd just done her choice of a James Marsden fest (who if you don't know him, you'd do well to get acquainted with, he's another one of those underrated actors that slips under the radar)--Gossip (2000) followed up by Enchanted (2007). Enchanted I appreciated since it was literally just an excuse to get the handsome Marsden to act completely ridiculous for an hour and half, but Gossip lit up my imagination. I'm not going to go into too much detail, except to say that it's a story about three roommates (James Marsden plus Lena Headey and Normal Reedus, two very under-appreciated yet always brilliant actors) who decide to start up a little strain of gossip as a class project, but end up getting themselves involved in a twisted bit of lies, manipulation, and rape. You can also watch it instantly on netflix if you have the netflix power.

When was the last time you heard these exact words:
"You are the sunshine of my life?"

The three-roommates-getting-themselves-in-shit plot line immediately reminded me of a little gem I'd seen a while back--you guessed it, Shallow Grave. So, for our next date night, I suggested we watch Shallow Grave. Dudes and dykes, a tip: there's scary movies, and then there's traumatizing movies. Scary movies make a great date night. Pop in Paranormal Activity (2007) and you'll have your lovely lady clinging to you the entire night. However, pop in The Human Centipede (2010) and you might as well make yourself at home on the couch. 

I for one forgot how fucking traumatizing Shallow Grave is. I should've expect it, really. It's Danny Boyle's first movie that wasn't made-for-TV, and we know him as the father of such uplifting movies such as Trainspotting (1996). However, no baby crawling up the ceiling can really prepare you for Shallow Grave. The plot is simple enough: three friends, Alex Law (Ewan McGregor), David (Christopher Eccleston, waaaaaay before Dr. Who), and Juliet (Kerry Fox) find their new flat mate dead in his room with a suitcase of money. And they decide to do the right thing: hand it over to the police. Draw curtains. Wasn't that a good movie? If only. Instead, they do what every film character who has ever found a suitcase full of money does: take it for themselves. However, what makes this movie different is the devastating reality of it all. The characters feel real, the situation feels real, and there is little more terrifying than watching humanity disintegrate. In many ways, I'm glad this is Danny Boyle's first movie. It's a little low budget, darkly filmed, very, very basic. And it's because there are no fancy CGI images or ultra-cinematic polishing of the images that it feels so gritty and real. 

Practicing for I Love You, Philip Morris?

The thing is, Danny Boyle sets the stage perfectly. They're just kids, ridiculous fucking kids, who want a lot of money so they can blow it on expensive camera equipment, lots of alcohol, and a couple of fancy dresses for Alex to crossdress in. And then of course, there's David. Mr. Debbie Downer. Who didn't want anything to do with this in the first place, but ended up being the one who had to saw off the dead man's hands and feet and smash his face in. I can't image what he's so upset about. And thus begins David's spiral into insanity as he hides the suitcase of money in the attic and lives there, protecting it from his roommates and anyone else who might come after it. Like the two mobsters who kill everyone in between them and the suitcase, or the detective who stumbles across the dead body and haunts the flat.

The deaths are definitely the most horrific parts of the whole movie. That seems a bit obvious, but...normally, seeing characters murdered doesn't really rub me the wrong way. It's movies, it's fun. However, there's just something about the way it's filmed that really sucks you in...so when one man gets shoved in an ice box with cement bags holding down the lid, you feel the suffocating horror of being there with him. It's so visceral the only thing I can compare it to is The Bride's initial reaction to being shoved in a coffin and buried 6 feet under. Tell me you weren't holding your breath the first time you saw that. And then there are the little subtle details. The sound of feet pattering against the ceiling as David paces back and forth in his attic cave, the way the light bleeds in the from his floorboards, the Cabbage Patch whateverthefuck baby crawling mechanically across the floor. Subtle little details that really make the movie the psychological mindfuck of an experience it is. 

As for the acting, it's genius. In my opinion, it's one of Ewan McGregor's better roles, as he gets to get a little outside of his "nice guy" image and plays something of a manic prick. Plus, it's the best mane of his career. Eccleston is brilliant; he's subtle, and we fluctuate constantly with sympathizing with him and being completely terrified of him. Kerry Fox I thought occasionally left some to be desired, but that was sort of who her character was--a semi-decent actress playing the stage of life who got by with a little manipulation and charm. Plus, her character herself was great, Juliet wasn't the temptress per se, but instead matched Alex's competitive streak and worked well to balance the two men of the house. She was untrustworthy, yet foxy enough in that British sort of way that we forgave her. And she has a great final scene of pure panic, and pulls it off brilliantly. And if anyone was looking for a movie that show cases Ewan McGregor's ability to sound like he's actually in a shit ton of pain with his groans and pathetic little squeaky noises, this is it. 

The thing about this movie is that it's fucking brilliant. It hooks you in, right away, and makes you care about these characters, even if they're all kind of assholes. But the script is so good, that even when they are assholes--such as Alex's multiple digs at poor Cameron--you can't help but laugh along with them; the many comedic lines lift the heaviness of the actual film here and there, making it one of those movies you laugh and cry at simultaneously. It mindfucks you into oblivion with them, and just when you think it couldn't get any more clever, the twist at the ending is so fucking satisfying that instead of telling you what it is and ruining the movie, I'll leave you with this image:

And they all lived happily ever after.