David Plays Basketball With His Alien Buddy.

PROMETHEUS (2012)

Image from screenrant.com.

I'll be the first to say it. This movie couldn't disappoint me if it tried. It was directed by Ridley Scott. It had chockfull of actors I admire. But best of all, its a movie about aliens and robots, which I can never get enough of. For this reason above all, I am completely unreliable when it comes to reviewing this movie. There were aliens and they fucking kill shit. There were robots and they reprogrammed everything my brain told me I should believe about robots. Put a fucking fork in me. This movie could have been called David Plays Basketball And Rides A Bicycle With His Alien Buddy For 3 Hours and I would have been completely and utterly content. But wait, there's more. With spoilers galore. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Robots in space. Win.

Truth be told, Prometheus doesn't exactly cover a lot of new ground. It wouldn't exactly be a stretch to call Prometheus the slightly-watered-down sister of Blade Runner (1982). With aliens. It coaxes out all the old questions: where did we come from? Why were we created? What happens when man comes face-to-face with his maker? However, these are questions I'll never get tired of revisiting, especially while space-octopus-monsters are skull-fucking the all the redshirts in the bunch.

Ridley Scott is, of course, a big name, especially when it comes to science-fiction. And it just so happens, he's got a lot of big names supporting him. Time to run down the list. Logan Marshall-Green played the radical scientist, Charlie. He's a great actor and too often pushed to the sidelines, so it was good to see him get his moment as the frenetic scientist. Don't even try to recognize Guy Pearce. Don't. Charlize Theron was brilliant as the straight-backed, no-nonsense Meredith Vickers. Ruthless and furious, Meredith is a force to be reckoned with. The character herself was great, steeped in personal issues that matched up nicely with the overall current of the movie (humanity vs. robots). My only issue with her character would be the moments when the words coming out of her mouth seemed to fit a little too nicely with the theme (namely, "father"). Still, her chemistry with the other actors was great, particularly up against Michael Fassbender and Idris Elba.

Rock on, Mumbles.

Speaking of. Idris Elba. Gotta love that man. His character, Janek, was--hands down--one of my favorite parts of the movie. Not to mention, probably the most human character in the entire film. He was a cool, down-to-earth cat with a good sense of humor. I need nothing else. Well, except possibly a riveting crew to support him. I'd like to give the film the benefit of the doubt. I saw it at midnight in IMAX 3D. Maybe I was overwhelmed. Maybe I was too busy hyperventilating to catch the names of the deckhands. However, after the brilliance that is the bromance in Alien (1979), I was expecting much of the same here. And I got it. In short, scattered bits and pieces.

I get it. I do. Ridley Scott has an entire fucking world to build here, he doesn't have a lot of time to spend on the spaceship family. Still...an epic, intellectual mindfuck in space will always be an epic, intellectual mindfuck in space. But it's a little hard to separate the humans from the robots when the passengers don't ever seem to have real ties to one another. The emotional connections and bromances between the different characters could have worked well to up the ante, but instead we get a lot of individual characters doing their own thing, completely oblivious to each other. Maybe I just need more foreplay than the average audience member, but I wasn't getting my anticipated warm and fuzzy feelings from any of the characters' relationships.

On the other hand, who needs warm and fuzzy feelings when you can have extended sequences of David the robot? Michael Fassbender wins again. David completely stole every single scene he was in. End of story. Part the credit goes to Fassbender's acting skills. He's proven it before and he proves it yet again--this guy can handle anything you throw at him. He's a fucking powerhouse. And David is a lot of character to carry. He's a robot, but not the kind that sits around and waits for commands. He has an inch of curiosity, pettiness, and betrayal. All-too-human emotions that look terrifying in the hands and heart of a robot.

Looking for foreign object in male patient? Go for the uterus. 

Now for my girl. Noomi Rapace. If I hadn't previously named her BAMF Of The Week, she'd be flaunting that title right now. Talk about a badass chick. There is so much badassitry in the character of Elizabeth Shaw, I had to make a list to keep it all straight:

1. Despite being a scientist, she's kept her cross and (partly) her religion. I don't care one way or the other about religious characters, but it breaks the mold of the angst-ridden, nihilistic scientist. She straddles with world of the physical and the spiritual, and does it all in a logical manner. Kudos. 
2. Her husband/boyfriend/whatever dies in a fire. She's despondent, but she hasn't lost her singular reason to live. 
3. She performs a c-section. On herself. To get rid of a terrifying alien baby.
4. ...And doesn't go maternal on the evil little thing, like 90% of thoughtless women heroines who think with their women-parts. 
5. She's just had major surgery, but she pushes forward. Like a boss. Even though everyone sees her groaning in the corner and clutching her stomach and doesn't lift a hand to help her. Damn "woman problems."
6. Alien? Maker with buyer's remorse? Fuck trying to go Chuck Norris on these bitches. Instead, she uses her smarts and kills two birds with one stone. 
7. Everyone's dead? No matter, she's still got a job to do. 
8. Of course, it probably helps that she gets to spend the rest of her life with Michael Fassbender's head. C'mon. 

In short, Elizabeth Shaw is the shit. And, after all of that, one of the things that impresses me most is the fact that she's not Ellen Ripley II. Let's face it, Ripley is one of the most badass women of all time. If they wanted to duplicate her, there would be an audience for that. I would have been one of them. But Elizabeth Shaw is her own beast. She doesn't "roll with the boys." She doesn't have guns of steel. In fact, I don't think she wields a gun period (feel free to bitch slap me if I'm wrong). Instead, she uses her intellect and her heart. She isn't butch. She isn't brawn. She's feminine, she's emotional, she's spiritual. And she still kicks everyone's asses in the end. Now let me wipe this drool off my keyboard.

A little more drool.

Of course, before I wrap this baby up, I have to devote a little time to the most anticipated character of all. The alien. 2+ hours? Worth it for 5 seconds of alien scream. All the monsters of this movie (aliens and pre-human humans alike) were, of course, epic and terrifying. I will say this, though: I failed as a moviegoer. I fell for the oldest trick in the book and let myself get caught up in the hype. So when Ridley Scott said Prometheus was going to scare the shit out of me, I was ready with a change of pants. Instead, I got a couple gruesome scenes, but nothing that forced me behind partially-spread fingers. Not quite the scare I'd been holding out for, but solid, exciting creatures nonetheless.

All in all, I've got to repeat myself. It was physically impossible for Prometheus to disappoint me. Yes, there were flaws. But nothing so frustrating that it took me out of the movie. As someone who went into a complete Prometheus black-out a couple weeks before the film to avoid any and all spoilers, this movie packed a lot of surprises and definitely left me slack-jawed and mind-fucked. Now for the inevitable sit back and wait for Prometheus II: A Girl And Her Head. Second screening, here I come.

Fight Club Rule #12:

12. FUCK YEAH ROBOTS.

Chance of me seeing a sci-fi: 50%
Chance of me seeing a sci-fi mind-fuck: 75%
Chance of me seeing a sci-fi with robots: SKYROCKETED.

"You Shouldn't Think Of Her As A Woman."

HAYWIRE (2012)

Run, Forrest, run!

"You shouldn't think of her as a woman. That would be a mistake" is the way Ewan McGregor sweet talks the freelance spy Michael Fassbender into double-crossing the force of nature, Gina Carano. Yet I couldn't ignore the fact that Gina Carano was a no nonsense, ass-kicking action heroine, and it had nothing to do with her body (well...90% not to do with her body). It's no secret that I have a soft spot for badass chicks, so when I saw the trailer for Haywire, I prayed to Chuck Norris that it would deliver. And, oh. It motherfucking delivered. And then some. Haywire was not only a movie about a badass woman...it was just a badass movie all around. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (2011) did the slightly-too-slow building espionage thriller (thriller? Can I even call it a thriller when the thrill took so long?), Drive (2011) did artsy action film (action film? Can I even call it an action film when the majority of the action happened in the first five minutes?), and while both were awesome, neither really stabbed me in the heart and sunk it in to the hilt for me. Haywire was neither too hot nor too cold--it was just as badass as it needed to be. 

Being a BAMF.

Let's start with the beating, bloody heart of it: Gina Carano. Gina Carano is an action heroine with a gritty integrity that we haven't seen since the Bruce Lees and the Arnold Schwarzeneggers and the Jean-Claude Van Dammes of the 70s and 80s. She's a mixed martial arts fighter first, an actor second. Which means, in short, that she's not your stick figure action hero woman--this woman has enough meat and muscle on her to actually look the part. You would not want to get in a bar fight with her. Up until Haywire, she'd only been in a handful of tv movies, but she'd mainly been focusing all of her energies on kicking ass. And it pays off. Eat your heart out, Zoe Bell. Granted, the role of hardass tough guy doesn't quite need a woman with a large acting range. But who ever complained that Arnold just didn't bring enough tears into Predator (1987)? The beauty of the role is that Gina Carano is an actress with no baggage and she slips into Mallory's skin seamlessly and effortlessly. 

Speaking of Mallory. One of the great things about Mallory is that, yes, she is a ruthless, professional spy. But she isn't James Bond. She doesn't blindly throw herself out of a window without any idea of where it might lead. Instead, she has moments where she'll be mid-action and she'll actually stop for a couple seconds just to look around her, take in her situation, and plot her next move. It just so happens that her next move might include throwing herself out a window...but she knows where she'll land. She's impulsive, but she's well-trained, and she easily adapts to wiggle out of every corner she gets boxed into.

Aerial ass-kickery.

As for her wiggling, the fight scenes were fantastic. Really. Did I mention this woman kicks fucking ass? The action is just brilliant. The best part about it is that it's stripped down naked. We don't get slow motion fist-collisions, we don't get that shaky camera that leaves you trying to figure out who hit what. They barely even bother with quick-cuts into different camera angles. Instead, they keep us exactly where we need to be--in the middle of the action. Right alongside Mallory. This isn't to say Steven Soderbergh doesn't have a few tricks up his sleeve. The way he filmed each action sequence was definitely unique, but in a nice, subtle way. Example, one of the most tense fight scenes happens on a beach where most of the hard physical blows are drowned out under the sound of the water breaking on the shore. So yes, there is a degree of artsy aesthetics to this movie, but not so much that it ever takes away from what the movie is at its core--a heart-pounding, violence laden action movie. 

Can haz be in Fassbender's shoes?

Even Mallory's male posse fails to distract from the action of the movie. In any other female action hero flick, there's almost always the handsome hunk who leads us astray with a dull and lifeless plot line that we only put up with so we can see the female lead take off her clothes. They do it in male lead action movies too, with a tedious and ill conceived romantic plot aimed to heighten the stakes or some bullshit. My rule? If I wanted to watch romance, I would've let my better half pick the movie tonight. And with a movie like Haywire, filled to the teeth with tasty hunks of man flesh, it's tempting to throw in the cheap romantic subplot. And Haywire isn't entirely off the hook in this regard. But when it's done, it's done. It's subtle, it's tasteful, and (thank god) short lived. And considering the amount of sexual chemistry between the two (or should I say lack thereof), it might as well be classified more as a bromance than any real romance. There is no real sexual distraction in this movie. Even during the bit where Mallory and Michael Fassbender pretend to be arm candy in the classic newlyweds play, there is no genuine sexual chemistry. Are there a good couple sexual plays during the fight scene? She wraps her thighs around his throat, you fill in the blanks. But between the characters themselves? They're both exceedingly professional and don't even bother with batting eyes at each other. Which tells us something about Mallory--papa didn't raise no foo'.

I don't think I need to tell you that all the other actors hold their own. I mean, c'mon. Michael Douglas, Ewan McGregor, Antonio Banderas, Michael Fassbender. They have it written in their contracts that they must be badass at all times. The only one I was a little worried was Channing Tatum since I know nothing about him except that he made a bunch of bad movies geared to 14 year old girls with friendship bracelets, but he held his own with the rest of them. Everyone delivered. And they all (more or less) did their own fight scenes. Rock the fuck on. 

It's a simple, clear cut, well done action movie. The acting is great. The exposition is great. The pacing is great. Honestly, my only complaint about Haywire was that there wasn't enough of it. Haywire II, anyone? I've even got a title for you: Haywire II: Revenge Of The Moose. You know you want it. 

Double O Who?

DOUBLE O WHO?

The bell tolls on yet another Bond Thanksgiving marathon. Yet, here I am, still clucking for my 007 fix. And so--a little fun (and you thought Christmas only came once a year?). I decided to get creative and do a little recasting of the Bond films--or possibly do a little casting for Bond 23 (fuck MGM). The thing is: I really don't have any qualms about Bond as-is. In fact, I give all the actors in the latest Bond films lots of love. But here's my attempt at stretching my imagination with a little "what-if" scenario. And so, if Daniel Craig got voted off the island for being too blonde, Jeffery Wright got crushed under a hugh pile of underrated, and Judi Dench exploded in a cloud of badass, I would hope the new cast would look something like this...

James Bond.

Michael Fassbender.

I know, I know. Hang me, gut me, and tar and feather me as you drag my corpse down the cobblestone streets. But he's not British!!! Well. Technically. No. But either was Pierce Brosnan, the Irish bastard, and he was the posterchild for everything people who don't watch James Bond films associate with James Bond. Fassbender may be German-Irish, but as we well know from films like Inglourious Basterds and Fish Tank, his British accent is dead-on. He's suave as all hell, he plays arrogant ridiculously well, he has great comedic timing...and...well. Just look at him. Yeah. I rest my case. 

M.

Dame Maggie Smith.

As I've stated before, no one, and I mean, no one could replace Judi Dench. She's classy, she's a dame, she's able to be feminine and yet powerful at the same time. No one else could whip Bond's ass while powdering her face. Well. Almost no one. Maggie Smith is really the only woman who I know who could take Dench's place as M. She's powerful, authoritative, and she's Judi Dench's BFF. If Maggie Smith is good enough for M., she's good enough for me. 

Q.

Hugh Laurie.

So what's the deal? Two Bond movies and no Q.? My thoughts exactly. But Hugh Laurie's got it. And I'm not talking about House M.D. I'm talking about the Hugh Laurie from his earlier stuff like Jeeves And Wooster who was British, spastic, just plain ridiculous (though, technically, Jeeves and Wooster also makes a good case for Stephen Fry). As dark and gritty as this new James Bond is,  I think it'd be nice to have some lighthearted Q. action. 

Miss Moneypenny.

Jamie King.

She's sexy, cute, and hilarious. Sure, she doesn't really get credit where credit is due in her movies at all. But she's actually an incredibly underrated actress and her comic timing is just spot on. I refer any and everyone to Kitchen Confidential who disagree with me. The only trouble with casting her would be trying to figure out why Bond doesn't tap that. 

Bond Girl.

Rose McGowan.

Finding a new Bond Girl was tricky and Rose McGowan is definitely an odd choice. The thing is, she's very...well. Funny. However, I think tossed in a serious role, she'd kick some major ass. And a little levity could balance out Craig's poutyness. Plus, she's sexy as hell. In Planet Terror, when the film burned up during her sex scene? Yeah. Everyone in the audience groaned. 

Felix Leiter.

Don Cheadle.

Don Cheadle is without a doubt the most underrated actor in recent years. He's wowed me in everything he's been in and too often been type casted as the "tough no-nonsense brotha". Well. Sorry, Cheadle, but I'm about to typecast you again. However, he's stern, yet always loveable, and an easy shoe-in for Leiter.

Villain.

Christoph Waltz.

I think you just have to look at the picture to know exactly what I'm talking about. Christoph Waltz is OLD FUCKING SCHOOL Bond villain. He's terrifying, and you do not want to be caught on the wrong side of him, and yet at the same time there's something utterly...campy about him. Something ridiculous. He could make a fool out of himself and make you piss yourself with fear at the same time. This must happen. 

Henchwoman.

Daryl Hannah.

C'mon. Just look at her. We saw her kick ass in Kill Bill Vol. 1, and then again in Kill Bill Vol. 2. She's evil, yet sexy as hell. With that perfect smug Bond Girl Villain smirk. So what if she's almost 50? MILF never looked so damn dangerously tempting. 

Henchman.

Til Schweiger.

I know, I know. Why don't I just rape the entire cast of Inglorious Basterds and get this lovefest over with? What is this, Bond directed by Tarantino? Alright. But Til Schweiger has proven his evil henchmanness way before Inglorious Basterds. He kicked Angelina Jolie's ass in Lara Croft: Cradle of Life. Or at least, he should have. He has the cold, intimidating thing about him. And the muscle. Daryl Hannah needs a meathead to back her up. 

What do you think? Have I nailed it or lost my mind completely? Who are your top choices? Come out, come out, you Bondians, I expect you to talk. 

What Happened To Your Face?

JONAH HEX (2010)

Image from http://dietrichthrall.files.wordpress.com

Alright. So this isn't Halloween per se. But Hex's face is...pretty terrifying. I mean, he's basically got an extra mouth on his cheek. So it kind of counts. The thing is, I watched the movie all the way though, and then the credits began to roll. And normally, this is the part where I go "Whoohoo! Let's do that one again!" or "Eh. That was a bad decision." Instead, I simply slouched in my couch, and I couldn't make up my mind at all about the movie. I'll say this upfront. It was a good movie. The trailers set up certain promises, and the movie fed into (nearly) every one of them. At the same time, it felt a little like it scraped by with doing the bare minimum. 

The premise was fantastic. Old world meets new weapons. Cowboys with machine guns. I'm all for it. The machinery was awesome--crossbows on fire, golden atomic bombs, and the rifle flame thrower. Clearly, someone had a lot of fun coming up with all this shit. And it worked, and blended in perfectly with the Western set up. However, the movie felt like it was trying to squeeze too much into too little. Which was silly because...it really shouldn't have had that much to work with. What the movie couldn't quite figure out was we don't CARE about the big massive super weapon. As fucking badass as it is...the whole point of the weapon is to make Turnbull this extremely powerful and dangerous villain. That's it. When I see the weapon, I want to see it explode some shit, I want to see Turnbull look sadistically pleased, and bam. End of story. I don't need to have a minor plot line where Washington officials just keep talking about how dangerous this weapon is. I saw it demolish a whole city--I know what it's capable of. 

The fact is, the movie focused too much on the logistics of the plot and didn't give us enough of what we came for: the characters. The thing is, they set us up with some really cool characters. Jonah Hex with his ugly face, his ambiguous morality, and his ability to...talk to the dead? Yeah. That was badass. That needed to introduced sooner. Not to mention, Josh Brolin has a talent for being awesome in just about anything he does. Then there was Turnbull, one of John Malkovich's less impressive roles, but nonetheless, good for what he was. And--more or less the reason I wanted to see the movie in the first place--Turnbull's right hand man, Burke, played by Michael Fassbender. Michael Fassbender and Josh Brolin nailed the feel of the movie--they overacted a little, they were extravagant, eccentric characters. Josh Brolin growled out his lines like he was chewing on bullets and Fassbender snickered his way through the movie like a sadistic leprechaun. They were comic book characters. On the other hand, Turnbull wasn't as impressive as his weapon, and Lilah (Megan Fox), the take-no-prisoners feisty prostitute, was cool, but not cool enough. She had some moments of badassitry, and yet I wanted her to be MORE badass. She was cool on her own; her little skirmish with the John was awesome. But once she's standing side-by-side with Hex, it's hard to remember that she's more than just "the girl". He's so epic, and Megan Fox hides in his shadow once they finally pair up instead of complimenting him with her own style of ruthlessness. 

My ultimate problem with the movie was that everything was, essentially, there, they just didn't use it all to it's full extent. I could feel the build up, and then the pay off somehow would lack that epic finish. I loved, for example, the moments when they really went all out. The moments when Hex was talking to the reanimated corpses, for example, or when he was being resurrected and choked out a black crow. Those moments were COOL. They were unexpected and all out. And yet at other points, the movie moved at a shy pace, as though afraid to push it too far. The best example I can think up was when Burke went to collect Lilah and had that little moment with her. Now, we know Lilah is fully capable of defending herself, and we know Burke is one sadistic shit. This has all been set up for us. And yet, when they finally come together and he's about to kidnap her, all her has to do is give her one punch and she settles into submission. I just wanted to grab the screenwriters and tell them: When in doubt, take it to the next level. Push it too far. I'd rather be shocked at something on screen than bored by it. 

All in all, the premise was fun, the movie was ultimately enjoyable, but it just lacked that extra kick that would have really made it an excellent movie.