DINOSAURS, BITCHES.

JURASSIC PARK (1993)

"Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth."

Let's get one thing straight. Dinosaurs are badass. If you don't think dinosaurs are badass, you need to get an MRI pronto because chances are, you have a large parasite eating away at the part of your brain that differentiates badass from Justin Bieber. With that said, Jurassic Park could have easily been cool without even trying. They could've slapped a couple CGI creatures in there, and then slapped a couple hundred more flying little digital splashes of color and called it a day. Because that's how movies are made, right?

Image from www.filmofilia.com

Wrong. Jurassic Park is how movies are made. Or at least, how movies should be made. No matter how many times I've seen it, I have yet to find a single fucking flaw in the thing. When I say it's a flawless movie, I mean it's a motherfucking flawless movie. So flawless that I had to review it twice because I just couldn't contain my feelings. It is better or worse in 3D? Meh. As an avid 3D disparager, I actually didn't mind it in 3D this time around. Why? Well, because it's Jurassic Park on the big screen. They could've had those irritating television popup ads on the bottom corner of the screen every five minutes and I still would've enjoyed the shit out of it. 

What makes this movie a timeless classic is this: it brings out the child in us. And I don't mean the child who wants to go see animated spy hamsters roll around for an hour an a half (guilty as charged). I mean that feeling of absolute wonderment we get when we see something for the first time. That unbridled curiosity, the desire to know, to feel, to touch, to jump out of a moving car because hell, if the animals won't come to us, we'll go to them. Really, it's a filmmaker's wet dream, the ability to capture the essence of filmmaking in one solid film. You want to wow me, give me dinosaurs, give me lovable characters, give me a score that I can feel expand in my ribcage. 

Image from businessinsider.com.

The brilliant thing is, Jurassic Park is about so much more than dinosaurs. It's about Dr. Alan Grant, played by you'll-never-get-a-better-role Sam Neill, who finds something in him capable of change, of evolution. It's about Dr. Ellie Sattler, played by you'll-really-never-get-a-better-role Laura Dern, who constantly challenges male hierarchy and, more often than not, beats them at their own game. Can I get a holla for a badass female character who doesn't have to hide her femininity or the fact that her biological clock is ticking to be considered a "badass?" Jurassic Park is about Dr. Ian Malcolm (you'll-never-be-hotter Jeff Goldblum), who constantly warns the heroes of the chaos to come but doesn't get to say I-told-you-so until it's far too late. More than anything, however, this movie is about motherfucking John Hammond (thank-you-for-your-awesome-face Richard Attenborough), who you love, then hate, then love some more, because he's flawed to his core but hell, at the end of the day, we can't really blame him.

Of course, I have to give a shout out to my favorite people in film: the minor characters. Those who doesn't get half as much love as they should because at the end of the day, they're the shoulders the heroes stand on to get to the finish line. First, we've got a rebellion-son subplot which, honestly, didn't need to be there, but hell, the 90s were good to Wayne Knight. So sure, the storm could've come through and ripped out the security systems and let all the dinosaurs loose, but that wouldn't have been half as fun, nor would it have been half as human, to watch Dennis bumble around and taunt a small, curious, and--dare we say--sassy dilophosaurus. Then we've got the two grandkids, Tim and Lex Murphy, who just had Steven Spielberg stamped all over them. If anyone knows how to write realistic, witty, and badass children, it's Steven Spielberg. He's pretty much the only director that can throw children on the screen and not kill the movie instantly. True story.

Image from fyeahjurassicpark.tumblr.com.

But hey, this wouldn't be a Smoking Pen review if I didn't give a shout out to my man Samuel L. Jackson. Who knew he could play such a damn good nerd? Especially when he's burning through cigarettes like no tomorrow. Finally, my favorite character, Robert Muldoon, played by Bob Peck. He's a small role, but he's a hunter who gets what was coming to him while, at the same time, going out in a blaze. It's a subtle character, but you feel both satisfied by his death and redeemed. Plus, he has the line, "clever girl." Can't top that.

And the end of the day, despite the epic actors and the even more epic dinosaurs, we have to acknowledge the fact that it was the score that really put the movie miles ahead of all other monster movies. That feeling of awe you get when you see the Brachiosaurus rear up to get the high leaves? The intensity that builds as the children climb the electric fence? The moment you fall in love with motherfucking pelicans? Yes, the writing is great, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish--but can I please shake John Williams' hand? I'd wax poetic, but I'm really just going to let it speak for itself. Enjoy 3:20 of motherfucking instrumental magic. Bitches.

Fight Club Rule #4:

4. Your 3-D special effects will not save your lazy ass crap script. That's a trick you can only pull out of the hat once, and Avatar (2009) ate that rabbit.

God, Deliver Us From This Disappointing Shit.

PRIEST (2011)

Priest Does Ikea: Slot A, meet Slot fucking B.

Just once this year, I want to walk out of a movie theater and not feel like I paid $13 to get sodomized by a chainsaw. I thought Priest would be the movie to bring an end to this disappointing string of bullshit that the movie industry has been peddling like rainbow unicorn flavored acid. The trailer was promising, the concept was epic, the actors were all names I know and love. So what went wrong? I showed up in time. I paid for my ticket. I stubbornly opted for the 2D version of the film rather than the arm-and-a-leg priced 3D version, firstly because I'm a cheap bastard, and secondly because I'm sick and tired of movies that think they can replace any sort of logical plot with a waste basket of special effects. I'm not asking for a lot here. I named my blog "The Smoking Pen", I call my movies "badass", I eat poorly crafted action movies for breakfast and thoroughly enjoy them. I'm really, really not asking for a lot. Give me a couple good explosions, a couple well choreographed fights, a pair of tits and a band of morally ambiguous character I can care about and I'm good to go. I'm not asking for an epic Lord Of The Rings style plot. I'm not asking for characters with back stories that stretch all the way to their slippery push into this world. I'm not even asking for solid, airtight logic. I'm the kind of person that looks forward to the cheap crap summer movies churn out. I'm just asking for a good fucking movie. That's it. That's all I want. Something I can walk away from with a satisfied feeling in my uterus. Is that so much to ask for?

Yes. Apparently it really, really is. And, funny enough, it's a movie called Priest that made me lose all faith in 2011 cinema. Priest isn't simply a bad movie. A bad movie I could live with. Priest was a dick slap in the face. It promised so much--the premise, the action scenes, the way the trailers pushed this as the epic movie of the year. The concept is good: John Wayne meets vampires. Despite the fact that the Church, the Big Brother of this world, has claimed vampires no longer exist, there's a vampire kidnapping in which a little Lucy is whisked away. A little Lucy who happens to be the daughter of a wayward warrior Priest (Paul Bettany), the man who has to now go against the heavy hand of the Church to recover the lost girl. He's joined on his quest by Lucy's lover Hick (Cam Gigandet) and his Priestess companion (Maggie Q). Together, they set out to recover the lost Lucy before it's too late and vanquish the evil ex-Priest now-vampire (Karl Urban). Sounds cool, right? Right. And then this happens:

I. Do Not Explaineth Thine Universe.

Just because the most compelling part of your movie is the fact that it takes place in a dystopian hyper-religious world under threat of vampires, doesn't mean you actually have to expand on that dystopian hyper-religious world under threat of vampires. At all. Apparently, it's okay to throw a bunch of words around like familiars and hope the audience figure it out from context. And it's okay to say that vampires can't go out in the sunlight, and then have these half-human half-vampire things roaming around in the day time. And it's okay to have this vast, sprawling landscape of various settlements that don't quite make sense, but you included a five minute cartoon of vague exposition in the beginning, so you know what? Audiences can suck it. Literally.

In truthfulness, I blame the laziness of this movie on the myth of the ADD Generation. The fact that kids can't sit still long enough for a movie to start. It's said that in the first 15-20 minutes of your movie, the introductions should be over and the movie should really take off. Anything longer than that, more often than not, drags. However, filmmakers these days seem to have ditched those introductory 15-20 minutes all together. Instead of taking their time to flesh out a world, give our characters a little history, breath some life into that dull script, the movie give us a quick expositional cartoon blip and cuts straight into the action. Anything that might slow the movie down--flashbacks about the order of the Priests, a deeper relationship between Hicks and Lucy, a little internal battle of faith for the Priest--has to go. All of that shit that might, god forbid, make the audience care. Nah. Stuff a couple gooey vampires in their face and they'll be happy. Honestly? We will wait for a good movie to develop. I have a lot more patience for a drawn out beginning and a good couple hours than 90 minutes of eye vomit.  

II. Ditch Actors, Go With Cardboard.

"I watch sand...it hurts my eyes."

Cam Gigandet plays the Sheriff Hicks, who comes from the middle of buttfuck nowhere in this uninspiring landscape. Hicks spends his time chasing off lowlives and looking at the white sand "and stuff" (literal quote from movie). He complains that it hurts his eyes. Gee, dipshit, I wonder what happens when you stare at white desert sand for hours on end? Who wrote this, Prequel George Lucas My love is softer than sand which is rough and I don't like sand but I like you? The most depressing part? Hicks is the most compelling character of the entire movie. And he's a fucking Twilight actor, so he will forever have to try harder to impress me than most actors.

The acting gets worse, the script writing gets worse, and the names vanish. Our main character is simply "Priest". His chick friend is Priestess. The villain is Black Hat, clearly named by the writer's one year old son who's eager to show off the few words of vocabulary he knows. And how could anyone forget Brave Priest, Strong Priest, Bold Priest, and my favorite, Flashback Priest. They weren't even trying to get us to relate to these characters.

And there's the Priest himself. Didn't he just pop nicely out of that microwavable character container? He's already lost his faith in the Church, so we don't have to deal with anything messy like a character conflict. Instead, he seems to have been suspended in time, glaring at everyone in the city, waiting for some random kid to come around and tell him his daughter's been stolen. Because, you know. It's not like he can actually take the time to go out and visit her, what with his busy glaring schedule. What do we know about Priest? He's lost his faith in the Church, he seems a little shaky on the whole God thing too, in fact, he doesn't have much of a reason at all to be a Priest except that he's really fucking good at killing things. And he does it all instinctually, so he has no qualms with the fact that he's a lean, mean, killing machine. He feels bad for letting go of his friend's hand when he should've held on, but that's really the only thing that plagues him. We have no idea why he feels so bad about it anyway, it's not like we have any reason to believe they were particularly friendly with one another. All we really know is that he adheres to some abstract samurai code, but doesn't really care about anything except killing vampires, and Lucy is just a convenient way to kill some more. Note to self: you can pay tribute to The Searchers all you want, but only John Wayne can get away with that shit. 

III. Put Thine Bitches In Their Place.

Let's face it. The trailers made the chick look badass. But empowering women is really, really boring. So here's what we're going to do instead. We're going to take the Priestess, who, by the way, has willingly submitted herself to be a Priestess and fully accepted the fact that she's taken a vow of chastity. Great. So this woman with full command over her sexuality has decided that God is overrated, and what she really wants out of this life is to fuck our protagonist, hard. Paul Bettany is not a bad looking dude, and neither is a cardboard cutout of Kate Moennig, yet still I am somehow not inspired to make passionate love with hard papery material. Fine. You know what. We're an action movie, we need someone to moon over our hero, I get it. I'm on board with you. I'll even give you the benefit of the doubt for your lame ass courting scenes, which go something like this...

Sometimes, I have bad dreams....

But sometimes, I have GOOD DREAMS. WINK.

But then it goes a step further. This movie wants her to be the sex pot AND the badass woman hero. Which is fine, except for the fact that they refuse to let her be badass. Oh, she's got the moves. She's got the gadgets. She's a warrior woman dance of death. So let's throw the Special Education School Of Vampires at her. While the hero is busy dealing death to millions of deadly vampires, she's watching the car and pushing away the retard half-vampire things (can someone please explain what the fuck a familiar is anyway?). Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself...?

IV. There Is Fast....And Then There Is NITRO.

So you think your horsepower is impressive? You think that you're a badass because you went a couple miles over the speed limit in Italy? Well. You clearly haven't ridden a battery powered motorcycle...thing. It does speed. Climbs up the MPH meter like a beast. But when you're trying to outrun a speeding train filled with blind vampires, you need more than 200 MPH. You need NITRO. Nitro does not have a miles per hour because nitro IS it's own unit of measure. Nitro is tearing up the road, bitches fast. Nitro is your motorcycle on powerthirst. It's like the speed of lightspeed, but like...it bends light...and...um...it's like...BETTER. Than you. And your mom. 

V. Foreshadowing Is For Thou Pussies.

Remember when Indiana Jones told everyone his one greatest weakness was snakes, and then ended up forced in a small room covered in them? Remember when the Narrator from Fight Club went to a doctor for his insomnia, and then his lack of sleep ended up being one of the main origins of his issues? Remember every single time Q told James Bond "whatever you do, don't push the red button"?

Well. Priest has decided that it's completely okay with having the gun on the mantle the first act, and leaving it untouched for the rest of the movie. Literally half the film is spent on this single dilemma: what are they going to do if they find Lucy has already become infected? The Priest vows he'll kill her, yet Hicks in turn vows he'll kill the Priest before he has the chance. Good, healthy character tension, right? So we've established their relationship, we've established the tension, we've built it up to it's final climax, and...absolutely nothing happened. Lucy never got bitten. Which means all those arguments and all the effort they put into the conflict was purely hypothetical and ultimately meaningless. 

Verdict? There's campy, and then there's we just couldn't give a crap. I left the movie theatre and on my way out, I ran down the up escalator. Those 30 seconds were more thrilling and entertaining than the last 90 minutes I spent feeling my brain drip out of my ears. So save yourself the money and run down the up escalator for a couple hours instead. 

"Oh, And One More Thing..."

SUCKER PUNCH (2011)

Images snagged from listal.

Yeah. I was psyched for this one. I bought my tickets, saw it opening night, I was there bouncing up and down with untamed excitement like everyone else. And, like everyone else, I was ultimately disappointed with the movie. It was confusing as fuck. I thought the prostitution bit was reality, not in Baby Doll's head, I was wrong, bite me. I didn't like the fact that the entire movie took place in Baby Doll's head, especially when it didn't really have much grounding in reality and a forced prostitution ring is kind of a crap alternate reality to escape to (unless you're into that kind of thing). Except for the two sisters, none of the characters had any chemistry, what so ever, and most didn't even have a personality. Which was too bad, because they looked like cool characters. But you know what? That's all general consensus at this point. Everyone agrees this is not a movie for the sober brain. And yes, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, it looked like it could've been really fucking epic if only someone had said, "Hey, Snyder, we need a bit of a plot here". But I'm over it. The thing is, when you get passed all the whining and groaning, it's a fun badass fucking movie. Pray tell, M., what makes this movie so badass? Well, since you asked...

WEIRD FIRE NINJAS

They're probably the least impressive of the alternate world monsters, but that's the way they're supposed to be. After all, this is our hook, our "training session", this is what draws us into Baby Doll's badass fucking mind. And the fight scene is not to be sneered at. She jumps right into it, automatically destroying anything that crosses her path. And maybe she gets knocked around a couple times, because you know, this is her first big fight and all, but it doesn't even register since she somehow knows how to wield that sword like a BAMF anyway. 

ZOMBIE ROBOT NAZIS

By far, my favorite "challenge" in Baby Doll's world. They're corpses that work on some clockwork steam thing that I don't understand, but it's badass and steam punk at its finest. I could literally spend the entire movie in this one challenge. It has everything I need to exist--nazis, zombies/robot things, elaborate nazi missions. It's. So. Fucking. Cool. THIS is why Baby Doll's brain is so amazing. The worlds she goes into, even for a brief moment in time, are ridiculously elaborate. Everything is so well imagined and thought out it's hard not to get completely caught up in the awesome that is her imagination. 

ORCS ARE BACK

So we're shamelessly digging into Lord of The Rings territory here, but hey. I missed those ugly bastards just as much as the next moviegoer. And we have a cool dragon fight, so. I'm not really complaining. Though I would've thought Mama Dragon would...you know. Kinda protect her Baby Dragon a little better? Instead of just getting revenge once all was said and done. But hey. We get a cool airplane fight out of it, so I'm there. 

GLASS ROBOTS WITH GUNS

Life is not easy for glass robots. They shatter every time a fat lady sings. But as soon as you put guns in their hands, whoa. Look out. And this is what I'm talking about, design wise--the world is amazing. Not only are they glass robots, but they're also on this intricate interplanetary train ride, and everything is set up perfectly in tune with the world, down to their guns which resemble those fake plastic things you can no longer buy at kid's stores (thanks a bunch, fun-hating Bloomberg). 

THIS GUY

Scott Glenn. You are badass. And I want you to be my power animal. That is all. 

THE SCORE

What can I say? It kept me hooked in the movie. It's definitely going to be an "acquired taste" soundtrack, but it wasn't just "background music" to keep the movie going. The film definitely wielded the music with just as strong of a hand as it did the visuals, and the two worked together to keep adrenaline pumping high at all times. And you know what? It worked. For the last half of the movie, my heart was pounding and I went into a testosterone high overdose. True story.

BITCHES DONE DIED

So for the first half of this movie I was like "Wow, this is some cutesy teenbopper movie now?". I mean, we had the rabbit face on the machine, which I get, and we were bleeping out every curse with a "Mother--!", which I can understand as well. But Baby Doll was just too perfect, and I wasn't buying it. Everyone was in love with her, she just felt like a bit of a Mary Sue. And then bitches started dying. Rabidly. And suddenly I was invested. I mean, halfway through the movie, and suddenly this movie that was cute with a gritty edge turned really fucking heavy. Technically, I shouldn't have been so gutted when these personality-less characters died, and maybe it was just because they all had cool names, but I still felt it. When these strong, powerful girls sacrificed themselves, or were even killed mercilessly by some dick who had an inferiority complex. The point is, we graduated from fluffy cotton candy chick flick to a serious epic movie where lives were at stake. The shift was sudden, it was dramatic, and it made me respect the movie all the more for it. 

I FELT LIKE A PEDOPHILE

I don't know how old Emily Browning is. Early 20s or something. So technically, since she's no longer jailbait, so I shouldn't feel this bad for having the hots for her character. But when you call the character Baby Doll, dress her up in little cute outfits fit for a slutty teaparty, yeah. But Baby Doll is so hot, I'm really not complaining. 

In short? I know everyone said this movie sucked. But go see it. Enjoy it. Maybe take a flask with you to get through the plotty bits. Nonetheless, it's a fun fucking movie, it's action packed, it has an amazing world and heroic young female characters (now we'll just wait idly for Hanna for a real badass female heroine). It's worth a view on a big screen. And you want to know the best part about it? It's not in motherfucking 3D. Take THAT!

TRAILERS: Hanna/Priest

TRAILER: Hanna

Saoirse Ronan as Hanna.

Since it's been a while since I've frothed at the mouth over a trailer, I thought I'd stick in two that've peaked my interest. Starting with Hanna, staring Saoirse Ronan (also known as the fanfuckingtastic girl in Lovely Bones (2009)), Eric Bana (who's just always amazing), and Cate Blanchett (who I've finally stopped calling Galadriel). Clearly, this isn't exactly a kids movie, but it does kind of ring in the tune of a young adult novel, what with the main character being a young girl (or maybe I just read too many violent young adult novels when I was little). And frankly, it's nice for kids to have that sort of image up. I'm not saying "Yay, let's show our children how to be violent!" but rather, I like the fact that it's a young woman taking control of her life and going on this "adventure" of sorts all on her own. It's the same reason I'm admittedly psyched for Sucker Punch. It's about time we let women, especially young women, in on the little secret that they can kick as much ass as the big boys, and they don't have to put out to do it. 

TRAILER: Priest

The second trailers rings a bit of a different tune. Priest is yet another graphic-novel-turned-movie, so there's no way they can go wrong, right? Right? Well, so far, I don't see how it can disappoint. Priests, those sweet little holy men, kicking major vampire ass? Rock on. I'm there. Plus, finally we have have vampires that are--god forbid--scary! These aren't your pretty sparkly vampires who are only interested in repeating high school for three hundred years because they're too fucking stupid to even get into college at least. These vampires are mean, ugly, unholy beasts of the underworld. Plus, Paul Bettany? Karl Urban? Cam Gigandet? Paul Bettany? How could this NOT be good? The actors are great, the action looks great, and the world looks really fleshed out and believable. I'm so there.

My only problem is the 3D bit. If I can find it in 2D, I'm snagging that viewing. Because I'm so damn tired of 3D. I don't know how many of you live in New York, but it's $18 here. That's right. $18. I could student rush a Broadway show for just about that much. Plus, 3D does absolutely nothing to me except occasionally make me dizzy since I'm one of those sit-in-the-front-row types. Honestly, if you don't have the imagination to picture this vast, creative world without having it stick out at you like a pop-up book, why are you going to the movies? Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm really just riding out the craze at this point.