Girls Kissing And...Whatever.

TRAILERS

There are a couple reasons I'll see a movie. If it has a good script, I'll see it. If it has a good director, I'll see it. If it has a lesbian Noomi Rapace, I'll see it. It's been a while since I've been completely, utterly shameless, so it's about that time again. Here are a couple movies I'm seeing, first and foremost, for the hotness factor:

TRAILER: PASSION (2012)

No words can describe my emotions. Probably because my brain fell somewhere between my legs. Is this real life?

DREDD 3D (2012)

I love Lena Headey much more than I should after the failure that was the Terminator TV series. Still. She's fucking Lena Headey. Your argument is invalid. 

David Plays Basketball With His Alien Buddy.

PROMETHEUS (2012)

Image from screenrant.com.

I'll be the first to say it. This movie couldn't disappoint me if it tried. It was directed by Ridley Scott. It had chockfull of actors I admire. But best of all, its a movie about aliens and robots, which I can never get enough of. For this reason above all, I am completely unreliable when it comes to reviewing this movie. There were aliens and they fucking kill shit. There were robots and they reprogrammed everything my brain told me I should believe about robots. Put a fucking fork in me. This movie could have been called David Plays Basketball And Rides A Bicycle With His Alien Buddy For 3 Hours and I would have been completely and utterly content. But wait, there's more. With spoilers galore. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Robots in space. Win.

Truth be told, Prometheus doesn't exactly cover a lot of new ground. It wouldn't exactly be a stretch to call Prometheus the slightly-watered-down sister of Blade Runner (1982). With aliens. It coaxes out all the old questions: where did we come from? Why were we created? What happens when man comes face-to-face with his maker? However, these are questions I'll never get tired of revisiting, especially while space-octopus-monsters are skull-fucking the all the redshirts in the bunch.

Ridley Scott is, of course, a big name, especially when it comes to science-fiction. And it just so happens, he's got a lot of big names supporting him. Time to run down the list. Logan Marshall-Green played the radical scientist, Charlie. He's a great actor and too often pushed to the sidelines, so it was good to see him get his moment as the frenetic scientist. Don't even try to recognize Guy Pearce. Don't. Charlize Theron was brilliant as the straight-backed, no-nonsense Meredith Vickers. Ruthless and furious, Meredith is a force to be reckoned with. The character herself was great, steeped in personal issues that matched up nicely with the overall current of the movie (humanity vs. robots). My only issue with her character would be the moments when the words coming out of her mouth seemed to fit a little too nicely with the theme (namely, "father"). Still, her chemistry with the other actors was great, particularly up against Michael Fassbender and Idris Elba.

Rock on, Mumbles.

Speaking of. Idris Elba. Gotta love that man. His character, Janek, was--hands down--one of my favorite parts of the movie. Not to mention, probably the most human character in the entire film. He was a cool, down-to-earth cat with a good sense of humor. I need nothing else. Well, except possibly a riveting crew to support him. I'd like to give the film the benefit of the doubt. I saw it at midnight in IMAX 3D. Maybe I was overwhelmed. Maybe I was too busy hyperventilating to catch the names of the deckhands. However, after the brilliance that is the bromance in Alien (1979), I was expecting much of the same here. And I got it. In short, scattered bits and pieces.

I get it. I do. Ridley Scott has an entire fucking world to build here, he doesn't have a lot of time to spend on the spaceship family. Still...an epic, intellectual mindfuck in space will always be an epic, intellectual mindfuck in space. But it's a little hard to separate the humans from the robots when the passengers don't ever seem to have real ties to one another. The emotional connections and bromances between the different characters could have worked well to up the ante, but instead we get a lot of individual characters doing their own thing, completely oblivious to each other. Maybe I just need more foreplay than the average audience member, but I wasn't getting my anticipated warm and fuzzy feelings from any of the characters' relationships.

On the other hand, who needs warm and fuzzy feelings when you can have extended sequences of David the robot? Michael Fassbender wins again. David completely stole every single scene he was in. End of story. Part the credit goes to Fassbender's acting skills. He's proven it before and he proves it yet again--this guy can handle anything you throw at him. He's a fucking powerhouse. And David is a lot of character to carry. He's a robot, but not the kind that sits around and waits for commands. He has an inch of curiosity, pettiness, and betrayal. All-too-human emotions that look terrifying in the hands and heart of a robot.

Looking for foreign object in male patient? Go for the uterus. 

Now for my girl. Noomi Rapace. If I hadn't previously named her BAMF Of The Week, she'd be flaunting that title right now. Talk about a badass chick. There is so much badassitry in the character of Elizabeth Shaw, I had to make a list to keep it all straight:

1. Despite being a scientist, she's kept her cross and (partly) her religion. I don't care one way or the other about religious characters, but it breaks the mold of the angst-ridden, nihilistic scientist. She straddles with world of the physical and the spiritual, and does it all in a logical manner. Kudos. 
2. Her husband/boyfriend/whatever dies in a fire. She's despondent, but she hasn't lost her singular reason to live. 
3. She performs a c-section. On herself. To get rid of a terrifying alien baby.
4. ...And doesn't go maternal on the evil little thing, like 90% of thoughtless women heroines who think with their women-parts. 
5. She's just had major surgery, but she pushes forward. Like a boss. Even though everyone sees her groaning in the corner and clutching her stomach and doesn't lift a hand to help her. Damn "woman problems."
6. Alien? Maker with buyer's remorse? Fuck trying to go Chuck Norris on these bitches. Instead, she uses her smarts and kills two birds with one stone. 
7. Everyone's dead? No matter, she's still got a job to do. 
8. Of course, it probably helps that she gets to spend the rest of her life with Michael Fassbender's head. C'mon. 

In short, Elizabeth Shaw is the shit. And, after all of that, one of the things that impresses me most is the fact that she's not Ellen Ripley II. Let's face it, Ripley is one of the most badass women of all time. If they wanted to duplicate her, there would be an audience for that. I would have been one of them. But Elizabeth Shaw is her own beast. She doesn't "roll with the boys." She doesn't have guns of steel. In fact, I don't think she wields a gun period (feel free to bitch slap me if I'm wrong). Instead, she uses her intellect and her heart. She isn't butch. She isn't brawn. She's feminine, she's emotional, she's spiritual. And she still kicks everyone's asses in the end. Now let me wipe this drool off my keyboard.

A little more drool.

Of course, before I wrap this baby up, I have to devote a little time to the most anticipated character of all. The alien. 2+ hours? Worth it for 5 seconds of alien scream. All the monsters of this movie (aliens and pre-human humans alike) were, of course, epic and terrifying. I will say this, though: I failed as a moviegoer. I fell for the oldest trick in the book and let myself get caught up in the hype. So when Ridley Scott said Prometheus was going to scare the shit out of me, I was ready with a change of pants. Instead, I got a couple gruesome scenes, but nothing that forced me behind partially-spread fingers. Not quite the scare I'd been holding out for, but solid, exciting creatures nonetheless.

All in all, I've got to repeat myself. It was physically impossible for Prometheus to disappoint me. Yes, there were flaws. But nothing so frustrating that it took me out of the movie. As someone who went into a complete Prometheus black-out a couple weeks before the film to avoid any and all spoilers, this movie packed a lot of surprises and definitely left me slack-jawed and mind-fucked. Now for the inevitable sit back and wait for Prometheus II: A Girl And Her Head. Second screening, here I come.

BAMF Of The Week: Noomi Rapace

NOOMI RAPACE
"I'm interested in people's darker side."

It's really no secret that I want to have all of Noomi Rapace's babies. But this is coming from a woman who harbors an unhealthy lust for Uma Thurman, so I have a bit of a sweet tooth for women with guns. The thing about Noomi Rapace is she's not your average pretty woman. She's got that harsh Swedish thing going on, that whole "fuck you, I'm a woman in control of my destiny" vibe, which in Hollywood terms means she might as well have leprosy. Still, she's shaken off her Swedish skin and has been very quickly climbing the ladder of American cinema, purely on account of the fact that she just exudes badassitry. And that is something you've really got to give an actress props for. There are very few women who can hold their own in Hollywood without playing the damsel in distress every other film (and by "very few women", I really mean just one), but Rapace seems to really be digging her heels into mainstream movies and landing great roles. So maybe Hollywood will chew her up and spit her out in a couple years, so while this trend of badassitry is climbing high for her, I'm going to enjoy it while I can. 

Best films: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009), Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows (2011).

Worst films: To my knowledge, none, yet. Granted, I haven't checked out any of her Swedish films, because...you know. AMERICA! But if anyone knows if any of them are good, toss them my way.

Best moments: "I'M A SADISTIC PIG AND A RAPIST."

Upcoming films: She landed a leading role alongside Michael Fassbender in Ridley's Scott's Prometheus (2012). Has there ever been so much badassitry in one sentence?

"I'll More Than Alarm You."

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2011)

Prepare for battle...

Everyone's thinking it, not so many people are saying it. Let's just go all out, shall we? I call it...BATTLE OF THE REMAKE! In one corner, those crazy Swedish bastards. In the other corner, AMERICA! It should be known that the referee is only literate in the language of Chuck Norris' body hair, so she was unable to read the novel these movies were based on. It should also be known that copious spoilers lay ahead, and honey badger don't give a shit. Let the fighting commence!

Round One:

The thing that really sold the US version of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo for me was the new and improved Mikael. Honestly, I can't tell you what it is about Michael Nyqvist. Maybe I just don't like his face. Whatever the case, Nyqvist bored me to tears. I couldn't get into his character, I couldn't get into him period. But I didn't really have time to care because I was too busy drooling over Noomi Rapace's awesome. Either way, I went into the US version expecting much of the same. Sure, I love Daniel Craig and I've got a lot of faith in him. But Mikael is just...a white rice character. Well. Let's just say I was pleasantly surprised, and I owe 99% of that to one very important character. The cat. I don't know what it is, probably a cat woman dyke thing, but watching 007 play with a kitty cat is incredibly endearing. And so I decided Mikael could have a place in my heart. He likes cats, he's got a good personality, and he's got multiple little faucets of his self for us to touch on--his affair, his ex-wife, his daughter. All of it rounds out to a good, interesting Mikael Blomkvist. In short, Daniel Craig has to work very hard to disappoint me.

And the winner is...Daniel Craig and his pussy.

Round Two:

Ah, what I wouldn't give for this to be a physical cat fight. The thing about Rooney Mara is I liked her. A shit ton more than I thought I would. Let's face it, the woman had big shoes to fill and tiny feet to fill them with. But instead of completely trying to replicate Noomi Rapace's job well done, she took the character down a La Femme Nikita road. Lisbeth became much more pure animal instinct, and for that, I have to give the little ball of energy Rooney Mara mad props. But with her almost too-intense eyes peering out of her doll face, she felt less like Lisbeth Salander and more like something Tim Burton might concoct. Noomi Rapace is a gritty, badass punk who still carries with her a sharp edge of humanity underneath the smoldering flames of the violence that lives inside of her. Or I just want to get in her pants. Either or. 

And the winner is...Noomi Rapace (be still my beating heart).

Round Three:

If anyone remembers my previous review of the Swedish version (The Girl With The Occasional Hangnail), you'll know that I bitched at length about Mikael and Lisbeth's relationship. There was just something about it that simply didn't sit right with me. Then I saw Craig and Rooney Mara. I do get the feeling I might have been subliminally forced into liking it since there were so many attractive promotional images of the two together. Nonetheless, Mara and Craig had great on screen chemistry. They worked brilliantly off each other, and despite their clear differences, somehow seemed to fit. I think what it all comes down to is the fact that Fincher took the time to include trivial, yet touching intimate moments. Something as simple as Lisbeth demanding Mikael to keep his hands on her while she worked somehow added that much more to their relationship, making it feel natural and flow easily through the movie instead of forcing a connection.

And the winner is...Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara.

Round Four:

Also known as, "and then another incestuous Swede walks into a bar...". One of the main problems with the first movie was that I just couldn't follow along. Maybe it was the subtitles. It's entirely possible I'm just that much of a stupid American. Whatever the case, everyone just felt like another Swedish Nazi having sex with his sister. In the American version, Fincher seemed to breath a little more life into the important family members and then shrugged off the rest of the snippy old bitches like dried up snake skin. Sure, I'm sure important plot points were lost thanks to America's "time is money" philosophy. But who really wants to listen to Aunt Helga whine and cough up cat fur?

And the winner is...David Fincher.

Round Five:

Alright. So I'll be blunt. With tag lines like "the feel bad movie of the year", I was expecting to feel a little more brutalized. Yes, the rape was brutal as all hell. Yes, the post-rape shower made me physically uncomfortable. Good job. But skip ahead a little bit to Lisbeth's revenge. Yes, she goes through the exact same motions. But what's that? While she was tying her rapist up, she had time to do her makeup? So you're telling me she just decided, in the middle of this emotionally and physically violent scene, to play a little dress up? Alllllrighty then. Skip ahead a little more. When Mikael is squirming between the jaws of Vanger Jr. Martin Vanger has Nazi blood, a childhood fraught with violence, and he's a pathological sadist who gets off on brutally raping and killing random women. Got it. Now look at Craig. He looks...vaguely uncomfortable? He's got a neck brace on. Now, I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever had to wear a neck brace will tell you how extraordinary uncomfortable they are. Because, you know. They chafe and stuff. Right. Now let's skip to Nyqvist, who has a hangman's cheap noose wrapped around his throat. Call me old fashioned, but there's something about Nyqvist's torture that hits a more visceral note, despite Craig's good acting and the excellent help of our friend the plastic bag.

What I'm trying to get at here is between the heavily made up raccoon eyes Rooney Mara sports while she sodomizes her rapist and the odd little neck brace, I get the feeling Fincher got a little caught up in the theatrics when he really just needed to zero in on the genuine, visceral, bloody heart of the moment. The more visually appealing brutality is, the less it hurts. I know what you're thinking. M., lay off. It just looks cool. You're right. You're totally right. I mean, it's not like people are going to entirely miss the point of the movie and make a clothing line based off a mildly psychopathic rape victim, right?...Guys? Right?

And the winner is...Noomi Rapace and her terrifying tattoo skills.

Round Six:

All's well that ends well. Or, you know. Drags out to the point of nibbling on popcorn kernels. Here's the thing. We kind of...don't give that many shits about Mikael's case. It was just a plot device used to get us to this super interesting missing woman case, and now that the case is solved, mission completed, job well done, we're ready to pack up and go home. Alright, so I get that this one isn't that easy to wrap up, we have to explain how Mikael gets off, we have to give Lisbeth a last moment of badassitry, we have to see our hero ride into the sunset with...well...a girl. But did it really need to last as long as it did? I was having LOTRs deja vu watching the multiple endings drag out in front of me. Yeah, so the Swedish version dragged on just as long. But somehow I expected it to drag, since the whole movie had been a lot slower, a lot quieter. Fincher's version was much more fast paced and action packed, so when he dragged his feet through the end, I felt it. 

And the winner is...Zer Svedish.

And The Winner Is...

Er...that's a bit of a tough answer. Especially considering the fact that they've officially tied and I've got no tie-breaker. Look, what it comes down to is, they were both excellent movies in their own right. Usually I feel strongly about one version, but this time I could swing either way. Really, if we could just do this movie one more time mixing and matching the best bits from each movie, I'd be happy. As it is, I'll be content to watch both versions multiple times to satisfy my masochistic love for this brilliant, dark movie.

The Girl With The Occasional Hangnail.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009)

Moral? Do not fuck with a chick with nose rings.

Alright. I'll start off with the confession that I haven't read the book. Because books are for losers and don't have enough car chases in them. But then I saw the trailer. You know. The trailer. The trailer which put me into spasms of motherfucking awesome, and just put my girlfriend into spasms of epilepsy (and then gave me the silent treatment for putting her through that). Anyway, I figured if I'm going to be wetting myself over the American trailer, I might as well do the good thing and see the Swedish movie first. And let me tell you--holyfuckingawesome. I know movie critics have this moral code called "if everybody loves it and it isn't over thirty years old, it must be shit". And yes, the movie and the books got a shit ton of hoopla. But there's a very rare occasion when the movie that everyone considers badass really is that badass. This is one of those movies. 

Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth.

The plot is simple enough. Reporter Mikael Blomkvist (played conveniently by Michael Nyqvist, who apparently only stars in movies with extraordinarily vague titles...ah, Svedens) is only months away from getting locked away at Stockholm and decides to use the spare time he has left to take on another case. He's hired by a sweet old (and slightly insane) grandfatherly type, Henrik Vanger, who is obsessed with the disappearance of his niece, Harriet, who went missing some 40 years ago. Mikael hops on board to take on the assignment, slowly picking through clues, sifting through evidence. He's your standard, older man sleuth, who works his way though boxes upon boxes of evidence bundled up in front of a fireplace. You can't help but find him completely endearing, and noble in a sort of old fashioned gentleman detective way. 

On the flip side, we have Lisbeth Salander, played by the extraordinarily talented and just plain sexy Noomi Rapace. Would that I could explain all the ways Lisbeth is a fucking badass. She's a talented computer hacker, who gets herself involved in the case by hacking into Mikael's computer. She's also everything I could ask for in a female heroine. She puts up a hell of a good fight against the boys, she doesn't censor herself for anyone, and she believes revenge is a dish best served hog-tied and sodomized. But best of all? She doesn't have all of that "I'm a woman, therefore I'm the emotional one" in this movie. Instead, she closes off completely, to everyone, no exceptions. And she gets herself into some fucked up tight spots, but she never plays the victim. She carries her demons on her back and wears them well. She doesn't need the male lead to help her with the load, thank you very much. But then again, I might just love her so much because she's half-dyke. 

Image from moviesmedia.ign.com.

About Lisabeth and Mikael. I'll say this. I had a problem with them. Which is weird, because I spent the entire first half of the movie waiting for them to finally bump into each other. And I was there with these characters through it all. From Mikael's careful mental avoidance of his prison sentence, to Lisabeth's (fucking intense) rape. I was there, I was with them. I was loving every second of it. And then they started to share the screen, and something shifted. Mikael, for one, turned into a love sick puppy dog. And I get it. I'd probably do the same, and it makes sense for his character. But still. That previous gentleman nobility about him kind of went out the window. So I lost a good chunk of respect for him. 

But there was something stilted about their relationship in general. The characters were acting just as I would expect them to--he was falling for her and she wasn't really giving him the time of day--but somehow their chemistry just wasn't doing it for me. It wasn't their acting, and it wasn't the writing, because both were spot on. It was just something uncomfortable in the relationship period. Maybe it was because I'd hoped they would have some sort of father-daughter bond instead of going the easy way out with a love interest. Maybe it was just that Mikael does awkward as hell sex scenes. Whatever it was, it rubbed me the wrong way, and apparently rubbed Lisbeth the wrong way, who couldn't seem to wait to step out of every scene she was in with him. And if this had been one, doomed, awkward relationship in the course of both their lives, I would've been fine with that. They both got what they wanted--he got to drive a car for the first time since his divorce, and she got her good-man lovin'. So they grew as characters and could move on, and Lisbeth could be the new James Bond and have a Bond Boy (or Girl) in every movie. Except somehow I get the feeling Mikael isn't leaving us for a good while. Let's just hope he works on his sex face. 

I think we all know who wears the pants in this pair.

Complaints about their relationship aside, it was a really fucking good film. It was paced well (even though the slowish beginning did pick up a little too fast for me towards the end), it had some painfully realistic and intense senses, and it was a movie that wasn't afraid to go there. Really, I thought since it was so popular among soccer moms it was going to be fluffier than this, but it had some scenes that spun out into dark, unnerving places. Which makes sense when you realize the original Swedish title is Men Who Hate Women. Especially since...this movie had nothing to do with a dragon tattoo. Except that she had it. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Might as well call it The Girl With The Occasional Hangnail.  

While watching the film, I couldn't help but wonder the eternal question: "How the fuck is Hollywood going to pull this one off?" My prediction is that, if its anything like the trailers (which, experience has told me, it probably isn't, but I'll keep hoping!), it'll probably be epic. I don't doubt they'll cut out a good portion of the easy, slow pace in the beginning (because who needs subtle tension building, really?), but they may make up for it with a more cohesive relationship between Mikael and Lisbeth (let's face it, if there's one thing Americans are good at, it's contrived romantic sub-plots). Daniel Craig I happen to be a big fan of, so I have some hope there. Rooney Mara may look cool punked-out and she has impressed me before, but I know it's impossible to beat Noomi Rapace's complete and utter badassitry, so I won't even hold that expectation against her. I love Led Zeppelin like my unborn fetus. So the fact that I give Trent Reznor's version of The Immigrant Song the thumbs up is a major compliment. All in all? I'm still looking forward to feeling bad, come Christmastime.