BAMF Of The Week: M.

M. (JUDI DENCH)

"To Hell with dignity! I'll retire when my goddamn job is finally done."

If we know James Bond films for nothing else, we know them for the Bond girls. The sleek, sexy little pieces of eyecandy with stripper names. Yet so often, we fail to recognize the Bond girl among Bond girls: M. Sure, maybe one day I'll do a BAMF Of The Week for all M.s, but Judi Dench's M. has a special place in the car battery strapped to my ribcage. She's hard-edge and, above all, gets the job done. Whatever it takes. Even if that means having her own agents go through with some rather questionable tasks. She's a cold, hard bitch is there ever was one, but even passed her stoney exterior, we get constant glimpses of something more to her. Hints that she's a mother, that she was once a woman who fell in love with a poet. Little things like that only add to the awesomeness that is her character and make her even more impressive for never, ever folding under pressure. 

And, of course, there is her incredible relationship with Bond. While at times they may be at each other's throats, you get the impression (especially with the Craig series) that she's one of the few people who knows the Bond behind his martinis and charming smile. They share a trust if only because they both distrust everyone else--like soldiers caught behind enemies lines. And at the end of the day--no matter how much of a brat Bond can be and no matter how much of an ice queen M. can be, they have each other's backs. In one way or other. Even if that means M. trusts Bond enough to let him dig himself out of his own bloody grave.

Best films: Casino Royale (2006) and Skyfall (2012), without a doubt. Judi Dench's M. and Daniel Craig's Bond have a brilliant relationship. At times weirdly maternal (Archer style), at times masochistic, they always manage to bring out the best and worst of each other. And I physically cannot get enough of it. 

Worst films: Did I like Judi Dench with Pierce Brosnan? Sure. He introduced her into this world, I'm glad she's stuck around for so long. However, I got the feeling they were really holding her on a tight leash in the Brosnan days. Her character had so much potential and instead of letting her fly, they kept her to the sidelines looking like a grandmother bull-dyke. 

Best quotes: "I love keeping naughty boys in order."

Fun fact: Her ringtone is the James Bond theme song. Also, she's the reason my first name has been shortened to "M." Not that I'm a fangirl or anything. Er.

And Then A Wild Aston Martin Appears!

SKYFALL (2012)

Obligatory bare-Craig-chest image.

Ever since Pierce Brosnan, we've become accustomed to a bigger, faster, explodier Bond. Each new movie had new gadgets, new gear, new nonsense. We propelled Bond into the future with invisible cars, cheap smiles, and all the luxuries of modern cinema. And we drank the punch. We expected Bond to get increasingly more hip and in-tune with our culturally relevant standards. We were waiting for Bond to switch out Q. for Google and start sexting his Bond girls.

And then Sam Mendes said, "Well. Fuck that."

Skyfall reminds us exactly why we loved the Bond films in the first place. If nothing else, it's a very loving homage to the Bond of the good old days. Bond is no longer clowned up and jumping around like a kangaroo on cocaine; he's a genuine spy. Yes, he's still the bold, brash bastard we all know and love, but he's a little more in control of the situation. Of course, the genius of this movie is that, for most of the movie, we get Bond completely out of his element. He spends the first half of the movie a battered, alcoholic mess with a very, very bruised ego. After twenty-three movies of a perfect shot, there's something extraordinarily satisfying about watching Bond miss his target. So not only do we have a highly competent organization set out to trip up Her Majesty's Secret Service, but we also have a damaged Bond struggling to keep up. I mean, why didn't anyone think of this before?

I think I've said all I can through my teeth. The twists in this movie are so epic that I would have to throw myself onto a Hattori Hanzo sword if I thought I spoiled this movie for anyone (even though, if you're a rabid Bond fan, you can see most of them coming ahead of time, it STILL doesn't change the fact that the "big reveals" are massively satisfying). That said, the spoiler portion of my review is under the cut! Otherwise, just see it, yeah? Or I will judge you. JUDGE.

BOND IS BACK!

Rejoice and be merry! Shit just got real. I'm so excited, I have no words. None. Just watch, enjoy, and repeat until November. 

Bond Wars: Episode II

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (1974)

Image from bond-girl.net.

So I suck balls as blogalongabonding. Or bondalongablog...you know what, I suck. That's the important part. In a desperate attempt to plug on no matter what, I'm continuing with next one on the list: The Man With The Golden Gun. And I will say this: this movie made me actually glad that I took a couple month break from Roger Moore.

We start off with a sideshow of freaks. A man with a third nipple, a midget servant, and attractive woman who dotes on them all. A nefarious man walks in with rotten intent...and finds himself lost in a circus nightmare. I thought two men fighting for their lives was excellent. But that was before The Man With The Golden Gun introduced me to two men fighting for their lives while being trolled by a sadsitic midget. In short, this is everything I want from an opening sequence. Followed by a rocking theme song and a simple but sensual little title sequence. 

Characters: "Good morning, sir" is Bond's first line. I feel like that more or less sums up Roger Moore for me. He's just...such a good boy. Put a collar on him and give him a Scooby Snack. I like the fact that he's got this very inquisitive thing going on. You get the feeling he's really trying hard to figure things out. Solving the case. The kind of British espionage everyone either loved or hated in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. It makes him seem always in control of the case. Always in control of the situation. Which is very good for him. But I can't help but wish he was a little more impulsive. A little less methodical and a little more instinctual. After all, that is the bad boy Bond we all know and love. What makes James Bond different from every other spy? It's that he works with his gut, his dick, and his trigger finger. But his brain? That's a part of the body reserved only for coming up with sharp quips and making everyone else look like an ass. 

I will, however, give Roger Moore this. His cool and calm attitude definitely pays off multiple times throughout the movie. Mainly during his interrogation scenes. When Bond has the gun seller at gun point and is grilling him...Bond is ruthless, but collected, which somehow makes him all the more terrifying. I would be whimpering too. Same goes for when he has the lovely half-naked Andrea Anders (Maud Adams) pinned underneath him with her arm taut behind her back, ready to break. Imagining Sean Connery in this scenario, I think of the scene in which he plays with Bambi and Thumper. He more or less waterboards them to get information out of them, but he does it all with a charming smile and a lighthearted pat on the ass. Moore is a little less witty and a little more mechanically trained. Really, the argument could be made that we shouldn't have been so surprised when Daniel Craig come out and started popping bitches with a black man's smile, because Roger Moore already had the strains of a darker Bond. Which would be cool, except then Roger Moore goes and ruins his image by doing something "comedic" and stupid. So he's either forcing you to talk, or he's giving a man a wedgy and giggling about it afterwards. It makes for an uneven and just plain confusing Bond.

Goodnight and her ass of doom.

Bond Girls: Andrea Anders. Blows everyone out of the park. She's your classic Bond girl...in trouble, the bad guy's mistress, yet ready to drop her clothes for Bond at the drop of a hat. But the best part about her? She's not a ditz. Every one of her moves is calculated. She doesn't want to get into Bond's bed, but she'll do it to get what she wants...the death of the man who's enslaved her, Count Dooku. While Goodnight flat out admits that she's weak, Anders gives us something more...a strong Bond woman. Did I actually say those words? I think I did. A strong fucking Bond woman, who will do what she has to in order to get what she wants. Nothing she does is out of "weakness", instead she bides her time, waiting in the shadows to make it out alive when the gun smoke clears. Or, you know. Not. 

Goodnight is irritating. But Bond does majorly shaft her by forcing her into a closest so she can listen to him fuck another woman for two hours, so I can't really blame her. Oh, and then of course what every woman wants to hear: "Forgive me, darling, you turn will come." Roger Moore's charmingness plummeted through the floor. I can't really tell whether or not Goodnight is a heroine or a villain yet, though. Even though she's one of the good guys, she makes so many lethal mistakes she might as well be working for Count Dooku. But we forgive her, because...you know. She's hot as shit. 

Epic face-off.

Villains: Speaking of the devil. Count Dooku is terrifying. Any man who gets his rocks off by caressing his lover with his gun...yeah. Phallic metaphors aside, he's just a creepy fuck. And he has those intense evil eyebrows. He doesn't even need to say anything, he just stares at you, and you know. Coupled with a cheery smile before he kills you and a badass gun, he's brilliant. Rock on, Christopher Lee, rock on. 

As for henchmen, since he was a lonely bastard he had all of two henchmen. One never said a word and instead molested Goodnight briefly, just so we know he's a "bad guy". The other was Nick Nack. Nick Nack is at times amusing, at times over the top. I would've liked it if they just went all out and made him a little evil fuck. He clearly had a sadistic streak and used it well. But then to have that all undermined at the end when he got shoved into a suitcase like the odd little midget he is...well. It left me feeling not so crazy about Nick Nack. 

Most badass moment: An extremely cool car flip. Which just happened to be ruined by the Looney Toons noise it made when it flipped and J.W.'s subsequent flipping out with his ass in the air. WHY? This is only tied with the fact that the headquarters are on the half sunken Queen Elizabeth. Brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant. Not only does it look cool, but it adds to the whole circus ambiance of the thing with its sideways doors and slanted staircases. 

Most ridiculous moment: Return of the J.W...no. For one, you can't repeat that. For two, a racist white trash all-American Louisiana sherif isn't going to vacation ins Hong Kong. He's truly the Jar Jar Binks of Bond films. 

"The bridge is that way!!!"

Quotes:

Bond: "There's really not very much for us to do tonight...or is there?" He's like the narrator for a horror movie trailer. Worst Bond pick up line. EVER. And he's surprised when it doesn't work? No...no. The audience is surprised when it does.

Count Dooku: "You seem, Mr. Bond, I thought I always liked animals. Then I discovered I liked killing people even more."

Mission report: I honestly couldn't tell you how I feel about this movie if I tried. On one hand, the pacing is good, it's entertaining, Andrea Anders is the shit. On the other hand, it's too gimmicky, Goodnight is ridiculous, and J.W. is just too much. There was a lot of awesome, but a lot of shit as well. I'm just going to have to say it was a pretty good Bond movie and leave it at that. 

Bond 23: SKYFALL

SKYFALL (2012)

Bond 23, we've got a name...Skyfall!  Alright, maybe not the most clever name they've ever come up with, but hey. I'm just about flailing with excitement anyway. Skyfall has no direct connection to Craig's first two movies (no need to beat a dead horse), and it's not based on any Flemming novel (we've run out of material there anyway). Javier Bardem is cast as our villain, Albert Finney is an intelligance officer, and Naomie Harris plays a stunning field agent. Bérénice Marlohe is giving the title of Bond Girl a little French flair. The ever-loved familiar faces of Ralph Fiennes and Helen McCrory are also cast, though the details of their roles haven't yet been leaked. When asked about the various "unnamed" roles, Director Sam Mendes said: "[Bond fans] might recognize them...on the other hand, they might not." Q. and Moneypenny yes please and thank you?? And, of course, the lovely Judi Dench and Daniel Craig are still in the game. Now excuse me while I go hyperventilate with excitement.

Bondploitation.

LIVE AND LET DIE (1973)

The Addams Family?

And so it's begun. We've officially left the era of BAMF Sean Connery and entered the age of Moore. For all the slack I give everyone-who-isn't-Sean-Connery, I will say that Moore got off on a pretty good start with this movie. It's one of the simplest, easy to follow Bond films with a straight-forward plot, enticing characters, and good drama. It's a solid script, which is something the Bond franchise definitely needed after that kaleidoscope of madness that was the plot in Diamonds Are Forever (1971).

I'll start off, as always, with the opening credits. The music is great--Paul McCartney's Live And Let Die is fantastic. Plus woman's face turning into a skull with flames? Awesome. I'm there. The only thing I'm no on board with is...well. Everything else. I'm not quite sure what the theme is they're going for, the images are a little disjointed. And I'm pretty sure the title sequence women stole napoleon dynamites moves. Moving on.

A Michael Jackson moment?

Characters: For the good guys, I quite liked David Hedison's Felix Leiter. He's just the sort of quick, no-nonsense American I'm looking for in a Bond movie. As usual, he doesn't really do anything of any real consequence, and you have to wonder why Felix Leiter shows up in Bond movies at all. Nonetheless, he's a fun guy to have around for the first half, and I enjoyed him.

Now for my favorite. Sheriff J.W. Pepper (also known as, character actor Clifton James). I don't think I've ever seen a more dedicated sheriff. Or a more dedicated anyone in a Bond movie. He literally steals the entire 3rd act, bumbling around from cop car to cop car, trying to reign in James Bond. His character is so big, so loud, and so magnetic, we totally forget about Bond and spend the rest of the time worrying about Pepper's plight. Sure, James Bond is in the middle of some...high action boat chase, but--look, there's Sheriff J.W. Pepper spitting again! And don't forget about his bruda Billy Bob! Cinematically, this character is not only completely useless and unnecessary, he's actually getting in the way of the plot and entirely destroying the tension of the boat chase. The actor is so fucking delightful, I'm happy they kept him in. But honestly, I would've been happier if they made a Sheriff J.W. Pepper spin-off and let a Bond movie be about Bond. Or, at very least, cut the scene down so it doesn't run some fifteen minutes.

Image from listal.

Bond girls: On a while, the Bond girls are pretty fucking weak in this movie. We have our main girl, Solitaire, played by Jane Seymour. How do we know she's our main girl? Well, she's the white one. Oh. Well. Ahem. Anyway...Solitaire's not a bad character. I like her. Mostly. I like her costume, I like her doe eyes, I like her flighty attitude. I would've been happier if she'd actually gotten crushed to death by the train's cot, but hey. Death just wasn't in the cards for her.

Next we have Rosie Carver (Gloria Hendry), who is the most useless Bond girl ever to grace the screen and admits it. Alright. That's unfair. It's pretty fucking hard to be more useless than Honey Ryder. But the thing that really pisses me off about Rosie Carver is that she has so much potential to be badass. She's supposedly CIA, yet she doesn't understand the safety switch on her gun. She has epic muscles, but she can do nothing with them. Apparently they only thing she can do is scream. She doesn't even get a proper sex scene! Overall, the character of Rosie Carver just straight up frustrates me. I'm sure she's Guy Hamilton's attempt to pretend like his movie isn't absurdly racist, but if anything, the presence of Rosie Carver just reconfirms it for me.

Villains: Finally! We're getting somewhere. Mr. Big is great. Yaphet Kotto totally nails the role of smarmy, volatile villain. He's got a fierce possessiveness over his "things" and a temper to match. The scene in which he pulls the truth from Solitaire about her rendezvous with Mr. Bond is fantastic.

As for the henchmen, I'm a fan of them all. Tee Hee is great as well. For one, who the fuck names themselves Tee Hee? For two, he has a hook. For a hand. A metal-crushing hook, replacing the arm he lost in a fight with a fucking alligator. Come on! It doesn't get much more badass than that. Whisper is also excellent. Even if he is a one trick pony. He truly is the last person you want warning you that Bond escaped his ropes and is coming the hell after you. Lastly, Baron Samedi (Geoffrey Holder) is Tim Curry flamboyant and just as fantastic. He plays a brilliant voodoo man, and is not afraid to be campy as all hell. You go, Baron Samedi.

Most badass moment: Normally, I'd say the stunts in the boat chase, but it lasted about 15 minutes so I'm going to have to rule it out. Instead, I'm going to go with Mrs. Bell's flying lesson. Even if solely for her expression.

Most ridiculous moment: Why does Bond have the time to make an entire card deck with a single playing card in order to woo the tribal headpiece off a woman when he should just be suave and impulsive?

Mission report: I bet you all expected a lot of weeping over Sean Connery and a giant list of all the ways Roger Moore doesn't live up to the original Bond, what with this being Moore's debut. Well. So did I. Except for the fact that I was so distracted by the fact that this is the most racist, classist, and sexist Bond movie to date. Sexism in a Bond movie...alright. I'm over that. I can handle it. You've come to expect that. Rosie Carver pissed me off, but I can live with it. But the giant shit the movie takes on Louisiana is unforgivable. Which is a shame, because I love New Orleans dearly, and a Bond movie taking place in New Orleans should have me salivating. But the things is, there's no actual evil organization. I repeat, there is no actual evil organization. Instead, every single black person in the world is out to get Bond. I which I was joking. The taxi driver. The voodoo store owner. The parade dancers. Even the fucking shoe shiner. Every single black person in this movie is evil...with one concession. Bond's lazy boat driver. Riiiight. Okay. Because that's not troubling.

Mrs. Bell disapproves of your shenanigans. 

To make it better, they use lines like "Get me a make on a white pimp mobile" and "Hey man, for 20 bucks I'll take you to a Klu Klux clan cookout." There is really no shame in this script. At all. And I could brush it aside and say "Well, it's just one of those old movies", but it's not. This is '73. In '71, Bond was fighting Bambi and Thumber, and interracial team of female gymnastic assassins. There is so much wrong with the plot I actually have very little to say about Bond himself. Roger Moore doesn't really impress me, but he doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth. The end. Maybe I'll have more to say about him the next time around. 

The truth of the matter is, I really wanted to give this movie 4 stars. It has some great moments. The sets were great. The henchmen and villains were great. The New Orleans funeral was creative. The oyster truck is the shit. But the racism was just a little too much to stomach. Oh, and the special effects were beyond bad. Especially the plastic snakes. I find myself missing the dragon tank from Dr. No.

Quotes:

Solitaire: Is there time for lesson number three?

Bond: absolutely. No sense going out half cocked.

Bond: A genuine Felix Lighter. Illuminating.

State Trooper: Yessir. J.W., let me have a word with ya. J.W., now this fellow's from London England. He's a Englishman workin' in cooperation with our boys, a sorta... secret agent.
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Secret Agent? On whose side?!

Rosie Carver: There's a...
James Bond: Oh, a snake. I forgot, I should have told you. You should never go in there without a mongoose.

Aaaand I'm officially only one Blogalongabond movie behind! *Pants*

007 Is A Girl's Best Friend.

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971)

Jill St. John is a girl's best friend.

Now I know what you're all thinking. "What, that movie where James Bond gets really old?" Quit your bellyaching. He's older, sure. But he's still charming. Calling Sean Connery "old" is like called George Clooney or Cary Grant "old". Men like that don't sag--they just get better with age. Like wine and novelty t-shirts. Eh. Like wine. 

Diamonds Are Forever starts off strong. Blofeld's "death" is epic. It's funny, it's the first five minutes of the movie, but it's an excellent fucking five minutes. First, we get Bond, from the neck down, beating the shit out of everyone with his brilliant Connery-accent (you can't even really call it Scottish, honestly). And finally, Blofeld's entrance as the last monkey in the evolution chain, smoking his pipe (WHERE'S YOUR NECK, BLOFELD?). Excellent. Top it off with a death-by-slime and an ugly Blofeld demise, and I'm hooked. The movie could've stopped there, honestly, and I would've been happy. But the show goes on...

Characters: Felix Leighter makes one of the more charming appearances he's made in the Bond franchise. He's another old fat guy, but you know what? He's got kind eyes, and there's something just plain endearing about him. I can't see him saving the country any time soon, but I would hire him as Sheriff of Fargo any day of the week. Even if he does spend about half the movie pissed off at Bond for chasing tail. But who really listens to anything Leighter says anyway? Or Q., for that matter. Poor Q. can't even get a flighty Bond girl to sit down and listen to him yammer on about this gadget and that gadget. Don't worry, Desmond Llewelyn, we still love you.

As for one more little honorable mention, Mr. Whyte is great. Played by none other than Jimmy Dean himself, he's obnoxious, doesn't take no for an answer, and has a ridiculous as hell accent. You go, sausage man!

Plenty of Plenty is never enough.

Bond girls: Tiffany Case is great. Played by Jill St. John, she's strong from start to finish. Smoldering, quick, and above all, devious. You can never completely tell which team she's playing for (which, really, is my kind of girl). James Bond plays her more than once himself, because there's no better way to a woman's heart than a little deception. The point is, she has character. She knows what she wants out of life, and takes very purposeful steps to better herself. She isn't doing this to save a family member in peril, or out of some sense of duty for her country and fellow man--she's, simply put, out to save her own skin. But at no point in the movie does she come off desperate, instead, she's demanding, determined, and petty to the point of getting into arguments with small children ("blow up your pants"? Really, Tiffany?). But Bond slaps some good sense into her, which is always great. Good to know the best way to handle a strong woman is with a strong hand. Bond Logic, #24.

Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood--is that her real name or still Bond name?) is Plenty of everything. She's gorgeous as hell, and she's an unashamed moneygrabber. Why am I sensing a theme with the women in the movie? Nonetheless, she's a funny case of Bond girl since she doesn't have sex with Bond, and she doesn't die. What's up with that? Then again, the sex was almost there, and the pool was just good luck, so technically she dabbled in a little bit of both. 

Bambi and Thumper. Are the best. Hands down. These chicks are fucking psycho, but amazing. There is nothing I don't love about them.

I Am The Walrus?

Villains: Mr. Wint and Mr. Kid. Goodness. It'd been a while since I've seen such great henchmen. They're not your standard, run of the mill, muscle men henchmen. These are ugly nerds who've only just crawled out of their basements to hunt down enough money to squeeze in another month of World of Warcraft. Mr. Wint looks like a lovechild between Malcolm McDowell and an ironing board, and Mr. Kid is his balding walrus lover companion. How could this go wrong?? Nonetheless, these two teach a valuable lesson for all people working in the evil business of evil: when two people who you did not expect to be there hand you a package and then slowly inch away from you, the chances that you're about to blow in in five seconds just skyrocketed.

Last but not least, Blofeld. My favorite villain. There is nothing better than Blofeld. Except maybe two Blofelds. Or a Southern-accent Blofeld. Or Blofeld In drag. CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER? Is there anything more to say about this man? No, I think not. 

Bond teaches the breast stroke.

Most badass moment: This one is actually a tough call, because there are so many good ones. I'm going to have to go with two. 1) The many faces of Blofeld--or should I say, the many pussies. 2) Bambi and Thumper. And everything they did.

Most ridiculous moment: The fact that James Bond's only identification is his Playboy Club card. And by "ridiculous" here I mean "fucking awesome."

Mission report: All in all, every sequence really delivers. Bond's coffin moment is terrifying. You know those moments in every Bond film in which you know he's going to escape, somehow, you just haven't quite figured it out? It was one of those moments. Then we've got the racist ape women scene, which is unapologetic. And Bond's car chase...in a moon buggy? And Bond's car chase part two, where he outruns a bunch of coppers by literally driving his beautiful, beautiful car sideways. And the scene in which James nearly gets crushed on top of an elevator! So it's all a little disconnected, and I lost track of the plot after about twenty minutes. Usually, you can at least hold onto the general strain of logic, but this one was all over the place, tangled up in a ball of flaming explosive twine. But it's all so fucking exciting, you don't really give a damn. It's like a pile of mini-Bond movies in one mess of explosions, tits, and speeding vehicles. Thank fuck for no shark attack.

The ending is all sorts of ridiculous. Bond has way too much fun yanking Blofeld around on the crane, Tiffany Case can't shoot a gun without falling off of something, and Bond is attacked with shish kabobs of death. But its a fittingly disjointed (yet fun) end to a disjointed (yet fun) movie. No one can say Sean Connery didn't go out with an confetti covered bang.

Quotes:

Bond: "I think you have something you need to get off your chest."

Bond: "Do you want anything from Holland?"

Moneypenny: "A diamond. In a ring."

Bond: "Would you settle for a tulip?" 

Bond: "That's quite a nice little nothing you're almost wearing. I approve!"

Tiffany Case: "I'm cooperating, Mr. Leighter...I really am."
Bond: "I can vogue for that."

Blofeld: "Bright idea, Mr. Bond."
Bond: "Wrong pussy."

Mr. Whyte [as Saxby's dead body rolls down a hill]: "Burt Saxby? Tell him he's fired."

Bond: "Your problems are all behind you now."

Don't Eat The Red Snow.

ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)

Well, this never happened to the other fellow.

Time to say goodbye to suave, witty, and badass Sean Connery, and hello to the Australian male model, George Lazenby. Skeptical? Me too. I'll give them props for at least do a tasteful turnover of actors. We get a slow introduction to Lazenby...a car chase, lighting a cigarette, taking a sip of smoke through his lips. Sitting beside his gun, his hands on the car wheel, the binoculars covering his face. They hold out on showing him as long as they can, until finally the reveal, complete with the ever satisfying, "Bond, James Bond." But can Lazenby fill the big shoes Sean Connery left him? Read on to find out! I'll give you a hint: the answer is no.

James Bond: George Lazenby. It's not personal. Really. Truth me told, he does his job to the best of his ability. He's very straight face, he's got some charm, and he does a good job with halfhearted double entendres. But he's just...how do I put this? Too fucking posh. Maybe it's the way he carries himself, or the fact that he spends half the movie in a skirt, or the fact that most of his fight scenes involve skiing and turtlenecks. I'm just finding it hard to believe he'd really be willing to get dirty. This isn't to say Bond isn't posh, exactly. Sure, he likes the high life. He lives it up. But there's also something very rugged about Bond. Something that says even though he likes fancy cars and nice hotels and women in furs, he also doesn't mind rolling in the mud and chopping down trees and doing hard, manly work. And there's something about Lazenby that makes me think he lifts his pinky when he drinks his tea. Most probably has something to do with the fact that he sounds like an old lady when he fights.

There's also a different between being as careless as a boy, and as irritating as a boy. Bond generally isn't very mature, period, but his boyish attitude comes out of his recklessness. This Bond is more like that irritating kid in the back of the bus who won't stop telling everyone about his cool red Power Ranger toy. He's way too chatty. There's witty banter, and then there's shut the fuck up. Not to mention, he's a petty little shit. He gets in a fight with M. over a mission, and after not getting his way, threatens to resign. Really? Why call the movie "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" when he's willing to resign over a petty argument? But hey, guess it doesn't matter because M. rolls over like a useless dog for Bond.

Bond...in love? We're introduced to Bond's love interest while he's playing cards with a pair of tits. Oh wait! That's not just any pair of tits, that's Tracy Di Vicenzo's pair of tits, hanging off the lovely Diana Rigg. In all truthfulness, Tracy is my favorite part of this movie. She makes for a great Bond girl--she's sassy, she's got connections, and she's aloof. The Bond girls always "try to resist" James Bond, but Tracy is one of the few who pulls off her distant attitude well. I think it can all be summed up by the fact that he more or less prostitutes her into his bed for the first time after she loses money she can't pay back in a game of cards, and her reaction to his advances is a simple, disinterested, let's-get-this-over-with "Hm". If nothing else, she makes for a good challenge. 

A challenge which gets more...challenging when we realize that Tracy is the daughter of a high end mobster, a mobster who then hires Bond...to fuck her into submission. Wow. So is this a Bond film or a porn film? Did he seriously just tell Bond his daughter needed to be tamed by the way of the cock? I understand outrageousness is Bondtastic, but. More on the porn film part of this movie later.

Meanwhile, Bond and Tracy start to fall in love. Whodathunk? And this is the only Bond movie in which, halfway through, we get a montage of Bond and the Bond girl falling in love. Not a car chase, not an explosion, no. Instead, he's taking her on dates, walking through the park with her. Who switched my movie with Breakfast At Tiffany's? Allow me to sleep through his section...

Bond girls: Hey, a roomful of Bond girls! I'm awake again. It turns out, Blofeld has a room filled with sex starved young women who are there...to heal their allergies or some convoluted fucking plot. And what does Bond do? He gives the sex-starved chicks a lesson on the word genealogy. While they all eat dinner seductively. There's a banana in the mix. It happens. But, of course, after dinner, all the ladies want a little dessert. And so he proceeds to have a good twenty minutes hoping from bedroom to bedroom, having his way with the women of the place. This won't end badly. Not at all. Except for the fact that it does when it ends up blowing his cover. Er...whoops?

Image from virginmedia.com.

Villains: Well, I figured, even if the rest of it isn't great, it has Blofeld, and he's going to be awesome, right? Well. No, not right. He's actually really fucking boring in this movie. He's got the most over elaborate world domination plot, and he cut off his earlobes. Er. Not really all that sinister.

However. There is one villain who stands out among the wreckage. And that is Irma Bunt (Ilse Steppat), also known as the deadliest cock block known to man. She's mean, she's got a face like a bulldog, and she's got a thick "don't fuck with me" accent. She's one of those women that would be terrifying if you just happened to bump into her on the street anyway, but since she's an evil henchwomen who's manipulating an army of Bond Girls, yeah, I'd say she's pretty fucking badass. Plus, she kills Tracy, so props for her.

Most badass moment: Turning a snow machine...into a death machine. Don't eat the red snow.

Most ridiculous moment: As Bond waits for his safe-unlocking device to work, he flips through a playboy. Bitch, Bond doesn't need a playboy to look at breasts. He snaps his fingers and breasts magically appear. On a silver fucking platter. With complimentary twins. What is this?

You know it's all gone to shit when Bond says "I do".

Overall: The thing is it's not a particularly bad movie on its own. It's very much a British spy film, complete with various Bond costumes and deceptions, his complicated love affair with Tracey, kilts, curling. It most probably resembles the slow pace of the book more than the other movies. It has its charms. But it's just...not a Bond film. There's not enough car chases, not enough explosions, not enough sex. It didn't help that it felt like two completely different movies in one. First, we have Bond propositioned by a mob boss to marry the boss' daughter and all the complications involved in that. Second, we have Blofeld hypnotizing women who have allergies so that they might become some deadly squad of assassins or something like that. The two probably have some connection, but if they do, I missed it completely. The only way they intervene is that Tracy "just happens" to show up at the ski rink. Convenient, no? But convenience is kind of the name of the game with this movie, with cute little gimmicks that I could do without, like a car chase "just so happening" to break into a car race. Overall, I come out of the movie with one reaction: "Ehhh."

BAMF Of The Week: Sean Connery

SEAN CONNERY

"More than anything else, I'd like to be an old man with a good face."

Image from www.topnews.com

Call it nostalgia. But as soon as I finished my review of You Only Live Twice (1967) and realized I only have one more Sean Connery style Bond in the Blogalongabond schedule, I felt a twinge of sadness. It's time for me to grit my teeth and bear George Lazenby with the lingering presence of the greatness that is Sean Connery. It didn't help that I'm late to the party and realized Sean Connery officially retired a couple years ago. So what's his legacy going to be? The man who invented the iconic figure of James Bond as we know him? Indiana Jones' wise, smart-assed father? That Scott with the accent a blind man could pick out of a line up? The thing is, Sean Connery is just such an undeniable badass, it's hard to pin down what exactly is so awesome about him. He's attractive as hell, and like wine and Beanie Babies only gets better with age. He's witty and sarcastic, but in a charming way Americans can't quite seem to pull off, and whenever they try it only comes off pretentious. And he commands the attention of the screen, no matter who he's billed beside. Dude just breaths badassitry. Cary Grant once said: "Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant." I have a feeling Sean Connery can sympathize. The good news? I skipped out on reviewing From Russia With Love (1963), so technically I've got two more Connerys to review. Who ever said procrastination doesn't pay?

Best films: Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989), The Untouchables (1987), Every Bond. 

Worst films: Let's face it, he's had a couple shitty ones. I've never see The Avengers (1999), but it has a 15% tomatometer rating, so it sounds like I'm not missing much. I would put The League Of Extraordinary Gentleman (2003) on here, but I'm not going to lie, if its on TV, its enough of a guilty pleasure that I will find myself watching it. 

Best moments: Bond. James Bond. Not to mention, telling Indy to sit down and relax and accidentally tipping open a chair-spring activated trap door. 

Go Where No Bond Has Gone Before.

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

So we've done the casino games. We've done the underwater shark fights. What's next? Well, it's 1967, we've just started poking at space, but we're still so afraid of our next door neighbors that we have to come up with a motherfucking space treaty in order to make sure no one blows up the earth. Really, it was a Bond plot waiting to happen. It only makes sense then that our first scene takes place in outer space, in what I consider to be the most thrilling Bond opening so far. First, we have our space men attacked by some weird giant outer space squid (thank you, Watchmen). Next, there's a tense political debate between the USA and the USSR, in which America is full of bulldog faces and the Soviets are "peace loving people". The UK acts as the man in the corner with a monocle who tells you all to politely go get your IQ checked and sends the Americans after the Japanese instead. Slam cut to our friend 007, who's found a whole other way to use his chopsticks. Naturally, the sly little minx double crosses him, and Bond is...wait...dead? What the hell? This is more depressing than Trail of the Pink Panther (1982). Never fear...a montage of Asian chicks against an exploding volcano with the ultimately forgettable Leslie Bricusse is here. Though I'll admit that I did a double take when I saw this: Screenplay By Roald Dahl. Well. I'll be a monkey's fucking uncle.

The plot goes something like this. Bond (elaborately) fakes his death in order to shake off some old enemies and devote himself completely to his current mission. M. sends him to Japan to find out where all these space crafts are going. It's a good thing James Bond isn't conspicuously a foot taller than everyone around him.

What I learned about Japan:

1. Sumo wrestling is a serious business.

2. All Japanese business men live in giant meditation gardens.

3. If you're a guest in a Japanese household, not only is their house yours, but so are all their possessions. Naturally.

4. In Japan, men always come first. Women come second. (I may be a lesbian, but I'm pretty sure that's not only in Japan).

5. NINJAS!

Image of batshit Ninja from thehollywoodprojects.com.

Characters: James Bond, as always, kills first and asks questions later. Which is slightly inconvenient when you finally chase down the man who killed your contact, and instead of interrogation him to find out who sent him, you kill him on the spot. Hindsight 20/20? One of the best things about this Bond movie, however, is that it seems to have weeded out the expendable characters. Instead of having a large number of bad guys who can't fight or shoot and apparently have lost all their survival instincts, we have a smaller number of bad guys, each with well choreographed fight scenes, which keeps the movie flowing at a nice, tense pace. But maybe it's just the awesome that is martial arts.

The only other character worth mention is Mr. Henderson, who...looks...surprisingly...like...Bloefield. I wonder if that's ever going to come back? WINK.

What's Up, Tiger Lily?

Bond Girls: Aki, played conveniently by Akiko Wakabayawshi, is one of the better characters in this movie. She's badass in her own right--she saves Bond's ass more than once and Bond doesn't seem to feel like he has to babysit her like he does with all of his other female companions. And, sure, she moons over Bond, but she does it in a quiet way, with small hopeful glances that somehow look adorable on her rather than irritating. Apparently it's just her timid Japaneseness. Because this movie isn't politically correct at all, of course. Unfortunately, she finally has sex with Bond, which is a mistake on her part, since she gets killed almost instantly after. Bummer.

The first emotionally-timid Asian is replaced by an even more quiet and shy Asian--Kissy Suzuki, who's name unfortunately wasn't even mentioned in the film. A real pity, because it's such a good Bond girl name to waste. She's Bond's undercover wife, and keeps her head obediently in a constant downward tilt. That is, until she opens her mouth and reveals herself to be a real cockblocking tiger mom. Damn. At least Bond can stare at her longingly while she sleeps and fan himself in an Edward Cullen fashion.

Villains: If there's one thing this movie really lacks, it's good villains. Overall, they're pussies, except of course for our friend Blofeld, but he doesn't even make an appearance until halfway through the movie anyway. And my appearance I mean "hand petting cat while evil voice speaks". That is, until the end, when...AH! We see his evil little face for the first time! And he's a terrifying little man, with a long scar running along the side of his face, one eyelid drooping down.

Mr. Osato is really one of the most boring henchmen of all time. The only thing semi-interesting about him is his gadgets--which really just involve a high-tech x-ray. So, yeah. He's about as interesting as oatmeal.

SPECTRE is full of pussies.

Helga Brandt is attractive in that she's-the-only-non-Asian-in-this-movie,-of-course-he's-gonna-fuck-her way. Plus, she stares at Bond with fuck me eyes in an extraordinarily obvious way. Right in front of her "man". But it's totally okay, because she has sex with Bond and then tries to kill him again. So the killing definitely cancels out the sex, even Bond is hesitant to bring it up after. And she gets chewed up by piranha, which is always a good way for an evil Bond girl to go in my book.

Most badass moment: Ninjas vs. SPECTRE. Does it get much better?

Most ridiculous moment: James Bond thinks he's turning Japanese. What. The. Fuck.

Image from pictoralpress.com

Best gadget: James Bond's "toy helicopter". The end.

One more thing:
Cinematically, this is when Bond really starts to get interesting. They tried out a couple new things with this Bond, and they all worked out very nice. For example, instead of the tight, up close and personal fighting scenes in which one man right after the other charges after James Bond, at the dock we have a pan-out where we get to see the fight from a bird's eye view, watching Bond knock them all down like bowling pins. And then we have the helicopter chase, where Bond doesn't realize he's being followed until he sees the shadows of the other helicopters in the mountain top. Besides the camera angle, there's a couple other nice little touches, like an entire scene in unsubtitled Russian. But when a giant space craft eating monster is opening its jaws and swallowing your spaceship, you don't really need subtitles to understand what they're saying. 

Quotes: "Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?"

Moneypenny: "We tried to think of something you wouldn't forget. I love you. Repeat it once so you don't forget."

Bond: "Well, I think it's about hotel time."

Bond: "If you're Tanaka, how do you feel about me?"
Tanaka: "I...love you?"
Bond: "Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way."

Tanaka: "My friend, now you take your first civilized bath."
Bond [surrounded by "bathing girls"]: "Really? I like the plumbing."

Tanaka: "Good choice. She's very sexiful."

Bond [As he's taking off Brandt's clothes]: "The things I do for England."

Bond: "We're supposed to be married."
Kissy: "Think again, please."

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish.

HAPPY APOCALYPSE DAY! 

Apparently, all the good, saintly sorts are transcending and leaving this earthly world today. To which I say, goodbye and good riddance. Maybe we can actually get a gay James Bond now.

Bond's Wet T-Shirt Contest.

THUNDERBALL (1965)

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Bond in a jetpack!

If Thunderball has one thing, it is this: only opening that can boast Bond getting in a fight, first with an old lady, and then with a drag queen. And then...taking off in a jetpack? Yeah. I'm sold. 

The opening credits is everything you would want from a Bond opening. The song, sung by Tom Jones, is deliciously Bondian, we've got the silhouetted women bodies swimming through the water. Sounds good to me. Nothing particularly astounding by it, but at the same time, I couldn't really ask for more. 

Characters: Dear Felix. He's no longer an old man! Victory! Instead, he's a silver fox of a man. Who, despite the fact that he's CIA, nearly gives away Bond's cover in his first line of the movie. Well done, secret service. He's almost as bad as Archer. 

Of course, my friend Q is always amazing. It helps that he's wearing a stupid islandy pineapple shirt. I really think the chemistry between Q and Bond is some of the best chemistry in the movie. They've got their snippy banter as Q attempts to teach Bond a little more control on his motor reflexes, and yet their bromance somehow shines through every time. Sean Connery and Desmond Llewelyn have a wonderfully organic naturalness to their relationship, and I can't get enough of it. 

Bond Girls: James Bond is amazingly rapist-like in this movie. I mean, he's always a bit of a rapist, but in this movie he's particularly forceful. His first near-sex scene involves him grabbing a struggling physician and attempting to kiss her into submission. He's punished briefly with the rack of death, but then is rewarded for his efforts by blackmailing her into sex. The moral here? If devious methods to get laid doesn't work the first time, try, try again. 

Poor Paula is great. She puts up with Bond even when he abandons her to watch the car. And she's one of the few early Bond girls who doesn't actually get in Bond's pants. Which just proves my point. As a woman, you have one of two options in a Bond movie. Sleep with Bond, or die. Like dear totally not a lesbian Tilly, Paula ended up with the latter. 

And then there's Domino. She's all you need in a Bond girl, really. Sassy, hot as hell, and she turns into putty under Bond's charm, but. Eh. It happens. Unlike most poster girl Bond Girls, she actually has a little drama, what with her murdered brother and all. However, it helps that her little sob story is told through tears and bikini strings. 

Villains: SPECTRE is back. In a big way. One of the best scenes is at the very beginning, when we open up to a SPECTRE meeting of nefarious characters. Blofeld at the front, stroking his pussy, and speaking with a shade covering his face. Which is the first hint you're not working alongside justice. The second hint is when everyone in the business deal is referred to only by numbers. The third hint is when your boss kills members of the business deal via electric chair. Do not trust the comfortable looking lounge chairs. 

Largo, with his coat with floppy arms and his eye patch, is a brilliant villain. And he has a crazy band of eunuch bodyguards who wear only black and sunglasses. Between the sunglasses and the eye patch, it's like the three blind mice all over again. Speaking of blind. He also happens to be one of the only Bond villains who gets killed by his captive mistress/token Bond girl exacting revenge on her murdered brother. How epic is that? Pretty fucking epic, I'd say.  

Fiona Volpe is one badass villain. In all honesty, she's really the reason I love this movie so much. For one, she can actually act. She's precise, cunning about her kills, and deadly in a way most female villains aren't. Sure, she uses sex to get her way, but she does it with an amount of coldness that somehow makes her that much more awesome. She fucks them to get her way, but it's not simply a "distraction method" until the men get here and take care of it. She uses her time she spends with her victims to memorize their habits and use that against them. In short, she's a great villain, who just happens to be extremely foxy. And she has a fucking motorcycle that explodes things. Take me to your bedroom.

Angelo is another great one. He's just one of those guys that happens to be in the wrong business at the wrong time. First of all, he's clearly crazy as fuck. He spends two years devoting himself to this one role and getting intense plastic surgery. And then goes ahead and asks for more money. C'mon, dude. Haven't you ever seen how these things work? You ask for more money after the mission and they're just going to kill you. It's the way it happens. 

Most badass moment: Stealing a plane with warheads by hijacking one of the pilot's faces, then submerging it under water in a fake crash landing? Underwater landing strip and everything? I've got to hand it to the movie, for a Bond movie, this one actually has...well. A plot. And a good one, at that. 

Most ridiculous moment: I. Hate. Underwater. Fights. I'll say it now, and I'll repeat it every time we have one. Because Bond goes through a period in which, in every fucking movie, they have a damn underwater fight. What, did Hollywood have a surplus of maneating sharks or something? They're hard to choreograph, every moves with giant flippers, and it's just awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe it was cool the first time, but I've seen enough Bond movies to be sick of it. 

Best quotes: Codename? Thunderball...

Moneypenny: "In the conference room. Every 00 in Europe has been rushed in, and the Home Secretary too."
Bond: "Somebody's probably lost a dog."

Domino: "What sharp little eyes you've got."

Bond: "Wait until you get to my teeth."

Fiona: "Some men just don't like to be driven."

Bond: "No, some men just don't like to be taken for a ride."

Fiona: [in bathtub] "Since you are here, would you mind giving me something to put on?"

*Bond hands over shoe*

Bond: "You mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."

James Bond Does Man Talk.

GOLDFINGER (1964)

So I royally suck ass at BlogalongaBonding. I got Dr. No (1962) down no problem, somehow ended up skipping over From Russia With Love (1963), and now I'm getting Goldfinger in by the skin of my teeth. That said and done, it really would be a travesty not to review Goldfinger, since it is one of the most iconic Bond films of all time. We start with obligatory irrelevant opening sequence. And James Bond has a dead bird on his head. How can it get any better from here? But we do get a brilliant little transformation bit on Bond's part--soemthing we don't really see that much. Bond blowing something up and then doing a Superman style transformation into plain clothes. It's oddly satisfying. Almost as satisfying as Bond then going to take care of his "unfinished business" with a naked lady, only to put her in the line of fire when she double crosses him ("Shocking...positively shocking").

Entire title sequence--gold clad chicks with images reflected on their skin. So it's not quite as thrilling and CGI as the later Bonds, but there's something nice about the simplicity of it. Not to mention, Shirley Bassey pulls off a great Bond theme song--there's just something so very Bond about it. Maybe I won't listen to Shirley Bassey so much in my spare time, but she sets a perfect mood. 

Action: For a Bond movie, it actually takes up surprisingly long to get some real action going. We don't have our first bona-fide car chase until about 45 minutes in. Equipped with satisfying cars rolling off cliffs and exploding, but still. It just takes us a while to get moving. There's a lot of talking, a lot of explaining, even a whole conversation which doesn't have much importance except for Bond to slander M.'s brandy. Less talky, more explosions. 

I will say there's definitely something awesomely satisfying about watching a car getting crushed into a tiny ball, though. The movie clearly spent more time follow Oddball's venture to get this car smashed into a dense square of metal, and yet there's something about a beautiful car getting demolished under the crushing jaws of a machine that makes it hard to look away. Possibly bringing some repressed childhood emotions of The Brave Little Toaster (1987), but it is what it is. 

And of course, like a surprising number of Bond films, Bond has a moment where his manly bits are in jeopardy, chained down to a plate of gold while Goldfinger's laser draws up slowly, prepared to cut him in half from the bottom up. I mean, sure, his life is in danger here, but you know he'd be sweating a lot less if the laser's aim was to slice of his neck or something. 

One of the more interesting parts of the movie, however, is that Bond doesn't actually save the day. Yes, he kills Goldfinger (who knew a man that big could fit through something as small as an airplane window), and yes, he does all the secret agent stuff we require of him. But the one thing he doesn't do is dismantle the bomb. Because James Bond knows almost everything, but he can't always have the answers. And this is a great moment that Sean Connery pulls off perfectly. Bond, in his do or die glory, decides he's going to rip out all the wires since he can't find the right one and hope for the best. But just before he does--a hand on his arm. Finally. A fucking bomb technician, who actually knows what the hell he's doing, here to cut the right wire. It's a subtle moment, but one I give Ian Fleming all the more credit for nonetheless. 

Characters: Bond: "Felix, say hello to Dink." Felix: "Hi, Dink." Bond: "Dink, say goodbye to Felix." Dink: *Pout?* Bond: "Uh, man talk." *Ass slap*. Oh, Bond. Aaaaand Daddy's home. Speaking of Felix. He got...old? But at least he lost his nancy boy shenanigans. And I won't say there's anything wrong with a little professionalism in a Bond movie. It's just a little uninspired. Like you know he's going to be the boring one when we're surrounded by Bond girls, devious villains, and the colorful Bond himself.

Q is always amazing. Desmond Llewelyn has my heart. Though I have to admit, the best part of the entire scene is Bond's exceddingly bored expression as Q rattles off about the beautiful Aston Martin which no doubt will be destroyed over the course of the move. And, of course, there's a red button. C'mon, Q. You know Bond better than that. Don't put a red button in his car and tell him not to touch it. At least do a little reverse psychology or something--make it green and tell him it's imperative that he touches it, and he'll probably leave it the hell alone. 

I must be dreaming.

Bond girls: Jill Masterson. Her entrance is definitely worthy of a Bond girl--hell, we don't even get her face. Just her back, nicely defined in a cute little swimsuit, with her leg propped up, swinging it back and forth absently. She had a nice back and forth with Bond, before one of those "My place or yours?" moments. Then we get one of the best expositions of all time. Bond and Jill are both halfnaked, making out in his bed, as the radio beside the bed croons with: "At the white house this afternoon, the president said he was entirely satisfied--" after which Bond cuts it off. We don't even need his clever: "That makes two of us." We got it the first time. But it's all worth it for what happens next...an unconscious Bond and a golden Jill. Really, what do you say to that? It's a horrifying, yet brilliant death. 

Let's put sister with sister. Tilly Masterson is up next, and for the short amount of time she's in the film, I've gotta say I quite like her. She is one of the few Bond girls who can kind of shrug Bond off without batting her eyes at him the next second (more on that later). She goes so far as to quite literally cut him off in the middle of his "Bond, James Bond". Who does that? Tilly does that. Usually, when Bond doesn't get with a Bond girl, I'm left feeling as unsatisfied as he is, but here I was down with it.

And finally...last but definitely not least. Pussy Galore. Played by the lovely Honor Blackman, one of those actress that kind of grows on you as the movie progresses (or as she starts losing clothes...ah, chicken and egg argument there). They went all fucking out with Pussy Galore. And I loved every inch of it. After two strong, bull busting women, she kind of felt like a bit too bull busting, just because the act was running thin. However, she had one thing going for her that most Bond henchwomen don't. She didn't sleep with Goldfinger. Instead? She had a harem. Of women. Who fly planes. Does it get any better than that? I think not.

Villains: A moment for Goldfinger, now. He has probably the lamest Bond villain entrance ever onto the screen. He's in some pool resort which looks like it should be habited with spring break kids and old grandmother. Goldfinger, in his swim suit and towel, looks to be part of the later category, like he's ready for a game of bingo and a laxative. He doesn't strike you right away as the kind of guy who's about to swindle another man out of large sums of money via card games. Meanwhile, he's got a little bird perched up on the balcony--our dear Jill Masterson, who watches Goldfinger's opponent through binoculars and recites his cards to keep Goldfinger winning. You think the other man would've started to get suspicious what with an ear piece sticking out of Goldfinger's ear, but hey. He's got sunscreen in his eyes. It really is a massive blindspot that Bond challenges Goldfinger to a golf match. Really, first it's the old people's pool, now it's a golf match--is there anything about Goldfinger that doesn't scream Republican head of the NRA? He even has a freaking Asian manservant. A mute one, at that. Speaking of...

Image snagged from gonemovies.com

Oddjob is possibly one of the best things about Goldfinger. He's a mute who can crush golfballs under his bare fist and he's got a bowler hat that kills. I'm sold. Even though his hat has unpredictable properties. One second it cuts through stone and slices off a statue's head. The next, it just somehow bloodlessly knocks Tilly over and kills her. Go figure. 

My next favorite henchman has but a near cameo. But I'm sorry. If you're a grandmother with a machine gun and you still manage to almost knock Bond off his wheels, props to you.

Most badass moment: Pussy Galore's Flying Circus. I rewound and watched the entrance of those girls about ten times. Goddamn.

Most ridiculous moment: Goldfinger's delightful gang of investors might as well be known as the men who ask 1000 questions. "What's that?" "Why's that moving?" "Where's my pacifier?" Babies.

Quotes: This one had some classics, alright. Some of my favorites...

Pussy Galore: "My name is Pussy Galore."
Bond: "I must be dreaming."

Bond: "Do you expect me to talk?"
Goldfinger: "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."

Bond: "This is no time to be rescued. "

Bond: "What do you know about gold, Moneypenny? "
Miss Moneypenny: "Oh, the only gold I know about is the kind you wear... you know, on the third finger of your left hand?"

What the hell: Here's a bit of frustrating trivia--Tilly Masterton, Jill's sister, is supposed to be a lesbian. Who is attracted to Pussy Galore. WHY, MOVIE BOND, WHY? Of all the things you can cut from the book, you're going to deprive us of a lesbian Bond girl moment? I'm tempted to knock this movie down a rating just for that.