Are You There, God? It's Me, Marky Mark.

MAX PAYNE (2008)

Image from starpulse.com.

Everyone's had that moment. You watch the trailer, it's great, you're psyched. Then you go to the theater and leave feeling cheated out of your money and violated. I always assumed there was nothing worse than that let down. And then I saw this movie. Max Payne commits the crime of a well-done, exciting set-up...and then falls on its face by the third act, leaving you to wonder whether the writer didn't have a brain aneurysm on the table and slammed his head against the keyboard a couple times to finish the story. It's not the plot. There have been some very good combinations of murder noir and religious mysticism. This just isn't one of them. It's not about the actors. Even if they all look like some casting director's second choice, they pull it off well. And it's not about the characters. They're all solid. The fall of this movie is simply that, like a Harvard girl turned stripper, it makes some bad decisions down the road and doesn't live up to any of its promises. 

It sets us up with a good start. The whole thing is very murder noir, very eerie. The tone of the movie is great, there's a lot of evil "fans slicing through air" shots, and grundy, dark scenes. Our main guy is interesting enough--Max Payne, played by the hardass version of Mark Walhberg. He's got the classic hangups: his wife and kid were murdered and he was all of ten minutes too late. So it's a cliché problem we've seen before, but you know what? It always works. If it ain't broke. So instead of spiraling into an alcoholic depressed mess, Max decides to channel his rage in a different way--he chases down unsolved cases and beats criminals to shit, looking for the one that got away--the man who killed his family. Yes! A vengeance flick! I'm so on board. Tell me more, Max Payne, tell me more, like does he have a car?

Bad movie = suddenly worth it.

But, like all good detectives hell bent on his own self-destruction, Max gets in too deep. Following a hot tip, Max finds himself in a club full of nefarious types and smoking hot women. AKA: the gorgeous Natasha, AKA: Olga Kurylenko, AKA: motherfucking Bond girl. Her performance is short lived, but sure as hell memorable. And she introduces us to the next best thing--pseudo-dominatrix Mila Kunis who plays Natasha's Russian gangster sister, Mona Sax (you say sister, I say lesbian lover. Don't worry, John Moore, I'm rewriting your script, it's coming along great). Max gets mixed up with the sisters, all the while being hunted by Jim Bravura, a straight-edged detective played by Ludacris (am I the only one who gets really excited when I see rappers act...and act well?). So far, this movie has the makings of everything I want out of life.

And then the angels come. The angels are these strange Norse myth beasts that come out of the shadows and fuck your shit up. Okay. This setting is over the top as it is, I'm cool with introducing strange mythological beasts into it. Really. I don't have a problem with it. What I do have a problem with is the only time anyone sees these angels is when they're tripping off this drug that's a big "government military secret". I'm down with a secret military drug that makes soldiers super human. I'm down with mystical angels. But it's got to be one of the other. Why, you ask? Well. Enter Act Three.

It's right at the top of the screenwriter's handbook 101: your main character cannot be forced into the third act. They have to make a definitive choice that steers the final act of the movie, or else they're just a boring as shit main character. After a series of (fairly well done) action sequences and various interrogation sessions, Max Payne finds himself betrayed by his best friend and sinking quickly to the bottom of an icy river. And so Max saves his own life by drinking the punch--he downs a vial of the super secret military drug that makes you super human. And then everything goes to shit. Really. If you ever watch this movie, just turn it off when he hits that icy cold water. Make up your own ending. Maybe he sinks and dies. Maybe Natasha comes back to life and gets it on with her sister. Maybe Ludacris strokes his chin thoughtfully for half and hour. Whatever it is, it's better than what actually happens.

What actually happens is Max Payne starts tripping balls. Seriously. Not even exaggerating. He trips balls, sees these crazy ass angel things who don't do shit except hover menacingly, and throughout all that, somehow manages to kill the bad guy. I don't know about you, but if I was tripping that hard, I don't think I'd have the proper aim needed to fire a deadly shot into the bad guy. I think I'd probably inform everyone that I had become a rooster illusion and jump out of the fucking window. This is supposed to be the moment in which Max Payne confronts his demons and exacts his revenge on the man who killed his family, but instead it turns into Max Payne getting high as shit and somehow accidentally saving the day. If this was Pineapple Express, I would've been happy. But it's not. It had the makings of an excellent, albeit campy, murder noir action movie. And then the end was a complete mess. Mona Sax started off Russian and badass, and turned out to be completely useless. Jim Bravura played an excellent character with enemies on both sides of the fence who could have ultimately teamed up with Max Payne, but instead he fell into dust. And Max Payne's potentially awesome vengeance kick left me wondering what the writers were on when they wrote the third act and how I could get my hands on it.

"Drugs are bad!!!"

In short? Give this movie a watch. Just kill it as soon as Max Payne hits the icy water. Drowning death/incestuous lesbian zombies/anything else you can come up with is so much better. 

Feast On This.

BOOGIE NIGHTS (1997)

Bromance is in the air.

So I didn't really want to see this movie. I didn't. I thought this was going to be a stupid movie about Mark Walhberg's dick. I was wrong. It's an excellent movie about Mark Walhberg's dick. If you've seen Boogie Nights, you know why 13 is an important number. If you haven't, I'm not going to elaborate. And so I give you 13 inches reasons why Boogie Nights is the most badass fucking movie I've seen in a long time.

1. Dirk and Reed's bromance. I've gotta say, out of all the things I enjoyed in this movie, there was little I enjoyed more than the bromance that existed between Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothchild. Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly have amazing chemistry, and their back and forth banter really makes you fall in love with the characters easily. So Reed may not be the splitting image of Han Solo, but they can play like children and spend hours one-upping each other. Yet despite the constant competition, you always get the feeling that they've got each other's back, and it makes for a solid bromance. 

2. Mark Wahlberg's...face. I bet you thought I was going to devote one of these numbers to another attribute of Mark Wahlberg's, didn't you? Wrong. Did I mention I'm a lesbian? But in all honesty, it makes me jealous and I don't want to talk about it Wahlberg's subtle expressions really renewed my faith completely in his acting skills. I'm speaking, of course, about the last chapter, "Long Way Down (One Last Thing)", in which Dirk, Reed, and Todd find themselves trapped in a drug lord's den. And the camera stays on Mark Wahlberg's face. For a good fifty seconds. Exactly. I counted. And in those fifty seconds, we see a complete shift in Dirk's character. A wordless, effortless self-realization of where he is, who he is, of the fact that he's hit rock bottom. It's a compliment to the director, the script, and the actor that they had enough faith in themselves and in the audience to have the turning point of the movie rely entirely on this charged yet utterly subtle moment. Aaaand I'm done gushing.

3. Little Bill's demise. It's one of those scenes you just watch, feeling the tension grow, knowing what's going to come next but not quite believing it, and then finally--BAM. And all you can think is, "Fuck, why couldn't I have written that?"

4. The characters. We actually gave a crap about them. Is the movie long? It's two and a half hours and knows it. But it's a character epic. Every character is fleshed out, important, and has his or her own story. There are no sloppy extras, no stand ins. Everyone feels like they have a purpose, which makes the world feel very real.

5. The chicks. What's great about this movie? It's about the porn industry, and yet none of these women come off as "the victim". We don't have any of that stereotypical "paying my way through college" bullshit. All these characters are here because they have a real reason to be here, they all want to be in the industry--whether that desire is a masochistic one or not. Which in turn means that we don't get any women who are victims of circumstance and therefore think they're badass because they're crass and bitter. Instead, we get women who actually take control of their sexuality, which empowers them way more than any sulking pity party would.

Amber (Julianne Moore) could have been a helpless character. While she is a tragic character and definitely has a lot of drama in her life, she's never pathetic--we see her constantly making her own choices and trying to make control of her own life. Rollergirl (AKA: the best thing Heather Graham has ever done with her life) takes control by actually enjoying her job. She respects herself, respects her lifestyle, and will stomp you in the face with her roller-skates of fucking doom if you dare disrespect her. Both lead women are powerful characters, and amazing as fuck actresses. 

6. The dicks. The guys in this movie are just as great as the chicks. Sex is a big part of their lives, but not all of it--they've got their own complexes going on. Dirk Diggler just wants to be famous. Jack Horner (Burt Reynolds) just wants to make a good movie. Buck Swope (Don Cheadle) just wants to open his own records store. Little Bill (William H. Macy) just wishes his wife would stop sleep around. Scotty (is that...Philip Seymour Hoffman?) just wants to be loved. They're all great, lovable characters. And the acting. William H. Macy (AKA: "my fucking wife has an ass in her cock") can be my sperm donor. So can Don Cheadle. Fuck it, anyone in this movie. I can find fault with none of them. Between the script and the acting, this long ass movie has you enjoying every long ass minute. 

7. Reed's poem. Everything about Reed is amazing. Porn star, magician, poet. I give you...an original work of art by Reed Rothchild. 

I love you, you love me. Going down the sugar tree. We'll go down the sugar tree, and see lots of bees: playing, playing. But the bees won't sting, because you love me.

Can you tell this movie renewed my respect for John C. Reilly and his comic timing?

8. Porn. Porn in the 70s/80s. It was actually that ridiculous. Dirk Diggler was for the most part based off an early porn star known as John Holmes. And let me just say that if you thought that fake-dialog from movie was bad, it was nothing compared to the amazing awfulness that John Holmes worked with. He shows his lady a picture of his mother. He mourns a future life with 30-40 cats. And he cries. No worries, the clip below is completely work and grandmother friendly, though you may find yourself compulsively touching your funny bone. 

9. The sex. Reason number one why this is a badass movie. Boobies. So maybe it doesn't have as much sex as Shame (2011), but it has its raunchy bits and it uses them well. For a movie about the porn industry, there actually isn't as much sex as you'd probably expect. Nonetheless, the moments they do have hot and steamy bits are used well, and help the plot along. By which I mean, Julianne Moore is really smokin' hot. On the flip side, there are other sex scenes which will not turn you on. Scenes that will give you that sick, ugly feeling in your gut when the characters spiral downhill. Which, really, is just as good.

10. The drugs. Reason number two why this is a badass movie. Welcome to the 80s. Welcome to blow. Gratuitous white powder, angry drug lords, and strung out porn stars. 

11. The rocknroll. Reason number three why this is a badass movie. 99 Luftballoons. I don't know what the fuck this chick's saying, but it's the shit. The soundtrack is great, I dig it. 

12. The silence. Which builds something called suspense. The more you linger on a scene, the more invested the audience becomes in finding out what happens next. Simple as that. Why didn't P. T. ever do any horror movies?

13. The premise. It's genius. An epic about Marky Mark's dick. By setting the bar so low with a seemingly ridiculous plot that couldn't possibly take itself seriously, the movie subtly sucks you in and makes you fall for every one of the characters. It's just one of those rare examples of a brilliant concept, a brilliant script, a brilliant cast, and a brilliant prosthetic limb all coming together.

If you haven't seen this movie, give yourself an early Christmas present and check it out.

The Pride Of Lowell.

THE FIGHTER (2010)

Finally got around to seeing it. Because I'm a cheapskate who wouldn't shell out for theater tickets. My rule of thumb these days seems to be if it doesn't have large explosions and/or vast, imaginative worlds, it can wait for rental. And so The Fighter collected a bit of dust until I finally got around to seeing it. It didn't help that it's a boxing movie. I have some sort of weird aversion to boxing movies. The funny thing is, it's not the fighting that turns me off. Clearly, I'm a sucker for a little good bloody fun. What turns me off is that gritty hyper-realistic dramatic feel that they all seem to have. In the same way I refuse to watch a slasher flick filmed entirely in "oh, look at us, we're decaying and rotten" blue-green filter, I have to be in a very certain mood to stomach that "handheld camera gritty" style most boxing movies seem to adopt. So call me a movie snob. But when it comes down to it, movies are all about the art of eyecandy, and when something rubs my vision the wrong way, I ain't gonna be racing to the theaters to catch it.

Needless to say, the beginning turned me off. Not only is it a "gritty boxing movie", they start it off in this reality TV show style. Which is eyevomit in my opinion. But I'm just not a reality TV person at all. And when I see a movie, I want to see something that looks good, not something with a high budget doing its best to look low budget (exceptions to this rule being super stylized movies, like Grindhouse). But. For all my bitching, after a bit, I finally settled into the skin of the movie. The "home video" thing grew on me after a bit, and I'll admit it definitely added a sense of reality to the whole thing. And I'll say this: for me, the movie didn't start until we realized what exactly Dicky's reality show was about. Then things started getting interesting. It was no longer a movie about the boxing legend Micky Ward--instead, it clearly dug its heels in as a movie that was going to revolve around the characters and their very human struggles.

Speaking of Micky and Dicky. Best bromance ever. The center of this film really isn't Micky, or Dicky, or the crazy bitches that surround the world they live it. It's about the bromance these two brothers have. And let me tell you, they've got a great chemistry. Out of all the characters in the film, they're the only ones that seem to have anything really genuine going on between them. I think this is partly praise on the writing and partly praise on the acting. Every other character relationships is strained--with the mother, it's all about how she's their "manager", and their various sisters just seem to serve her as little hellish minions. On the other hand, there's Charlene, who you like at first, and maybe if you're not me you continue liking her, but in my opinion she comes out to be a bit of a tool at the end.

I'd rather fist fight Micky any day.

And then there's Micky and Dicky. Christian Bale manages to draw a lot of brilliant, subtle little details in Dicky's skin--we have his larger than life character, and then we have the way his brother tames him. He instantly calms whenever he's around Micky, dropping the "big man" act and just being genuinely himself. His love and loyalty to his brother shine through in those moments. And then we've got Micky, who does something of the reverse effect. When he's around his brother, he actually opens his mouth. He talks to him. He even yells at him from time to time. He allows himself to get emotional and passionate. He feels safe to break out of his tight shell.

It's that tight shell of his that had me questioning Mark Wahlberg's acting skills the entire movie. I've known him mostly from The Departed and The Other Guys, both roles in which he played outrageous douchebags. This was something else. At first, I just thought he was so overshadowed by the other actors that Marky Mark wasn't really trying all that hard. But with a little benefit of the doubt and some wise words from Jose at Movies Kick Ass Blog, I rethought my stance. The thing is, Micky really is that lethargic. He's closed in, he keeps everything tight to his chest, he's an extremely introverted character.

Lastly, the oscars were deserved. Christian Bale put his heart, soul, and stomach in this role. Really. Someone give this man a role where he's an overweight couch potato. Between this and The Machinist (more on that soon!), I need to see someone give this man a hamburger. And mama was a raving bitch. Really, Melissa Leo deserves that oscar just because I hated every second of her. She was brilliant in 21 Grams, and she returned to the screen to be brilliant in this one, so I say more power to her. She's a heck of a woman, that's for sure. And when you put the two of them together...they were definitely great. But maybe I'm just saying that because watching Christian Bale leap out the window into a trash can to avoid the wrath of his mother was just about the highlight of the movie for me.

Fight Club Rule #2:

2. Don't let a dyke with penis envy watch Boogie Nights (1997). She will want to be Dirk Diggler for the rest of her natural life.

BAMF Of The Week: Staff Sgt. Dignam

STAFF SGT. DIGNAM

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself."

Mark Wahlberg as Dignam from The Departed.

Staff Sgt. Dignam. The man swears like a sailor, he spends hours coming up with cutting and petty insults, and he has absolutely no mercy filter on his sharp tongue. Indiscriminately and randomly he attacks every single person who rubs him the wrong way. Doesn't matter if they're a senior officer, an extremely dangerous mobster, or Leonardo Dicaprio. And yet despite the fact that this man is a Grade A Asshole, he has his righteousness and his loyalty, and from that he won't back down. The Departed (2006) is a movie of epic proportions in itself, great movie, great plot, great characters, and yet still, Dignam steals the show completely. Now all I can do is sit back and wait for Departed Thunder (20??), in which Dignam and Les Grossman engage in a full out tongue-lashing epic battle of the wits. But between you and me, my bet's on Dignam.

Best moment: His last scene in the movie. Hands down.

Dignam revs up for a bitchslap.

Because he's so fucking quotable:
Police Camera Tech: Who the fuck are you?
Dignam: I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.

Dignam: My theory on Feds is that they're like mushrooms, feed 'em shit and keep 'em in the dark.

Lazio: Do you have anyone in with Costello presently?
Dignam: Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself.

Ellerby: Go fuck yourself.
Dignam: I'm tired from fucking your wife.
Ellerby: How is your mother?
Dignam: Good, she's tired from fucking my father.

"At The Crime Scene, LOL."

THE OTHER GUYS (2010)

Image from blog.timesunion.com

Alright, director Adam McKay. You win. I wasn't that big a fan of Anchorman (2004), even though the rest of the world seems to have loved it, and I didn't bother going to see Step Brothers (2008) because, again, not crazy about Adam McKay's work. Or Will Ferrell. Actually, there's something about Will Ferrell that just plain pisses me off. It's not personal, it's just an unwarranted vendetta I have going against his face. I see his face and I'm turned off to the movie all together. However. Saving grace. Mark Wahlberg. Ah, Mark Wahlberg. All it took was one viewing of Scorsese's film The Departed (2006) and I was hooked on him. It was that character--Staff Sgt. Dignam. In case you've forgotten who he is, you can refer here. In any case, he was a character hard not to fall in love with. So, imagine my pleasant surprise when I found the exact same character in another movie--Adam McKay's creation The Other Guys. Except instead of being Staff Sgt., he was pencil pusher Terry Hoitz with anger management issues, a surprisingly good ballet foot, and a restraining order. There is a God. 

Image from http://mimg.ugo.com/

The Other Guys follows Terry Hoitz and Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell), two police partners who spend most of their time behind the desk, filling out paperwork. While this is a more than satisfactory job for Allen, Terry can't stand being harassed by the so called "heros" of New York City and hungers to get his gun out and his hands dirty. In a classic bit of "be careful what you wish for", Allen unwittingly gets them involved in a major Ponzi Scheme-type case and they get in over their head. And that's the plot. Which, in a comedy or an action movie, is usually just about the least important part of the movie. On to the good stuff.

First, I have to say something about the genre of the movie. Yes, it's a comedy. We've got that much down. But it's also...just a good movie. It's not a string of one-liners haphazardly thrown together. It's got interesting characters we can relate to, a fleshed out plot, and...wait for it...some really badass action scenes. That's right. It makes a legitimately good action movie just on it's own. We have our hero characters, we have rival police partners, we have the bad guys. They've got an awesome fight scene in the office where Mark Walhberg slides down the table shooting up the office (to the sounds of the White Stripes "Icky Thump"...the music makes half the action, really. That goes for most action films in my opinion. Put a killer score to it...and I'm with you). There's a couple well placed car chase scenes, and another great moment when Terry and Allen go drinking. In short, it's a cop movie spoof, sure. But it's done clearly from someone who digs cop movies, and it shows. 

Will Ferrell, Steve Coogan, and Mark Wahlberg.

Another surprise this movie threw my way. I actually liked Will Ferrell. Yeah, I know, everyone's like "Oh, but Elf (2003) was really touching". I failed to see the heartwarming Christmas movie about Will Ferrall being a super tall cast out elf, so I wouldn't know. But in most everything else, he's one of those comedic actors that just rubs me the wrong way. His characters come off kind of arrogant and repulsive in a way I can't quite put my finger on. However, as Allen, his character is, for once, the soft and gentle one. He just wants to sit behind his desk and stay out of everyone's way. And he actually acted it really well. I was endeared. It helped that he had great chemistry with Mark Walhberg, and their characters balanced each other out well. Allen's calm and rational attitude worked well against Terry's violent outbursts, drug lord paranoia, and constant petty insecure hissy fits (which were magically tamed by Eva Mendes' fantastic rack). The best moments in the movie revolved around them bantering it out--and usually ended with spilt coffee, a destroyed FBI mug, or convoluted Miranda Rights.

Image from listal.

Well. Most of the best moments. Every other moment was stolen completely by Samuel L. Jackson. If it's not obvious, I think this man is the shit. And he was perfectly cast in this role. Why? Because the whole premise of the character revolved around the fact that the audience could believe that, no matter what he did, he would come out without a scratch on the other end. And, since he was Samuel L. Jackson, I was with them the entire way, I believed he could do anything. Which made the ultimate punch line for his character that much more rewarding. I didn't stop laughing about that one until about halfway through the movie.

The Other Guys has a great sense of humor, badass action sequences, and an excellent buddy-buddy dynamic. In short, it's kind of hard not to enjoy. In case you need a little more convincing, I give you this Animal Planet gem. Enjoy.