And Then A Wild Merman Appears!

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2011)

Image from empireonline.com.

Let's start this off by saying: I'm shamelessly, shamelessly biased when it comes to Joss Whedon. Really. The man has my heart and then some. If I could somehow steal the brain cells from Joss Whedon, Quentin Tarantino, and Guy Ritchie and inject them into my own skull, I'd probably be set for life. Robert Rodriguez can come too. The point is, Joss Whedon can do no wrong. I was destined to love this movie at first sight.

With that said, Joss Whedon isn't the only one who brings something to the table. Here are my five main reasons why I absolutely loved this one:

1. Men Behind The Curtain

It's one thing to create a mysterious evil company that does evil, mysterious things. It's another thing to create a mysterious evil company that does hilarious, common day workplace things and still maintains and aura of evil mystery. Despite the fact that the organization is clearly completely evil, you can't help but be fascinated, mortified and mildly endeared by their daily shenanigans. Even though we were supposed to be rooting for our friends in the woods, I would've been okay with watching the psychopathic puppeteers the entire time.

2. Dat Ass

Just when I thought a woman making out with a mounted animal head could not possibly be sexy...it is. Or maybe it's just the fact that she engages in a couple minutes of shameless ass shaking over the fireplace. Either way...you go, Anna Hutchison. Keep up the good ass. 

3. Fran Kranz

Here's the thing. Since I'm in the middle of watching Dollhouse (2009) on Netflix (hello, Joss Whedon fixation), I kind of already have a man-crush on Fran Kranz. So the fact that he spent the whole movie smoking up and trolling everyone made me adore him even more. The rest of the cast was good, don't get me wrong. Kristen Connolly was wide-eyed. Jesse Williams was...there. Chris Hemsworth was Chris Hemsworth. But, in my biased opinion, Kranz kind of stole the show. Plus, he has a pipe that transforms into a coffee mug. Now I know what I'm asking Santa for this year.

4. Motherfucking Merman

If you're going to have a creature movie, you've got to have excellent creatures. The zombies were cool. Particularly for their pain fetish. But things really got awesome when we got to see all the different creatures tucked away "downstairs." Most are familiar, but there were a few inventive scares that I had to give the movie props for. I, for one, wasn't actually really scared by this movie, but that doesn't mean I couldn't appreciate good creature designs. And if you have any doubts about the creatures, let me list off a couple creature names from the behind the scenes: Angry Molesting Tree, Balding Menace, Face Peeler, Man In Transparent Tarp, Exploding Shard Babies, and Snake Pubic Hair Woman. C'mon. I want a Cabin in the Woods II just so we can get more insane creature screen time.

And then there's the Merman. The most satisfying creature in the movie. You're waiting for it. Waiting for it. And then when it appears...it's more amazing than you anticipated. Karma wrapped up in a slimy, fanged, fishy mess. And the blowhole. THE BLOWHOLE. A thousand female fantasies suddenly sunk to the bottom of the lake and I absolutely loved it.

5. More Than Meets The Eye

At the end of the day, there's a reason Joss Whedon gets all my love. It's because he's a brilliant writer who has the uncanny ability to create deceptively simple stories with incredibly complex undertones. The Cabin in the Woods is, on the surface, a flawless, by-the-book shameless teenagers-meet-scary-cabin movie. We've got our stereotypical jocks, sluts, nerds, virgins, and that-best-friend-with-a-heart-of-gold. Hell, we've even got the old, gnarly man at the gas station who warns the teens of what lies ahead. And yet, it's so much more than that. On one hand, it's a borderline spoof of cabin-in-the-woods movies, entangled with a social commentary on our culture's voyeurism and lack of empathy. It's horror with touches of science fiction and a generous splash of comedy. And it works. Joss Whedon's talent truly lies his ability to create multiple layers all while making it look easy.

Basically, though I was probably one of the last people to see Cabin in the Woods and it was in grave danger of getting overhyped, it still managed to keep me hooked and then some. Which says a lot. Overall, I'd call this a successful satire, if not a successful, solid horror film in its own right. And Sigourney Weaver. I rest my case.

"Put It On Your Google Calendar."

THE CODE (2011)

The Code movie poster.

Today is the day for much badassitry! First off, I hit 50 followers. Which might sound like chicken feed to most of you, but for me, it's warms my armor-clad heart to know there are so many badasses out there, who have been oh-so-good to me and who I will all count on to line up behind with with a weapon of choice when the Mayan zombies come (I call crossbow). And so, since I'd like you guys to have my back when those brain munchers go for my skull, I have to give a shout-out to my 50th follower--Rojo's Film Reviews!--who have found an excellent way to spice up the marriage bed...competitive movie reviews! Check them out, they're good fun. 

Speaking of zombies! I have to call in the second order of badassitry today. Just yesterday, I was contacted by actor Taylor Brandt, who requested that I take a look at his short film, The Code (2011), which won the Splatterfest Festival in Houston. I'd been both looking forward to and dreading the day when I would get a personal appeal for a review--after all, no one wants to be that reviewer to have to rip apart a film that goes out of its way to make itself known to you. Luckily, I didn't have to suffer that dilemma--The Code was badass all on its own. The Code is a short, 6 minute horror-comedy (horcom?) that contemplates the age old question--when you throw two human victims at a bunch of movie monsters, who gets the first bite?

The killer cast of characters includes a slew of flesh-eating zombies, a slasher villain, a vampire, and, of course, Bigfoot. Only this time the zombies are the more logical-minded "in the know" bunch, the slasher villain whines when he doesn't get his way, the vampire is too elusively goth for anyone to care, and Bigfoot is...well. Bigfoot. Not to mention the unfortunate picnicking human couple who end up at the top of the menu (one of them is a porn star...you have two guesses to figure out which one). The banter between the leader zombie, Shaun, and the slasher villain, Carl, while they argue over whose day of the week it is to kill is hilarious and, thanks to the short running time, doesn't overstay its welcome.

Past the half-brain jokes and blood seeping jaws, the real draw of this short for me was, of course, my ultimate weakness. My kryptonite. A beautiful woman with a baby doll smile who wields a lethal weapon with ease. None other than the classy and vicious Vanna Helsing who completely steals the third act from the undead jaws of the other players in a brilliantly executed twist. I could've watched her beat the shit out of Hollywood horrors for another 30 minutes without getting tired of her swagger. In short: yes, Vanna Helsing, I am enjoying this as much as you are.

Catch the short yourself on funnyordie here.

Enchant This, Bitches.

 ENCHANTED (2007)

Prince Charming will keep you safe at night.

Robert is nervous. 

Ah, Disney. The magical castle of princesses, handsome knights and talking animals. People break out into song with lavish choreographed numbers that involve the whole town/kingdom/kitchen set. The villains come from the land of Pure Evil born for the sole purpose of wrecking havoc on the main characters. And there's always the romantic horseride into the sunset on a beach with angels singing at the end. Well. At least, that was the Disney we knew and loved. Enchanted introduces us to a new magical world--a world where songs are saved for the funerals, where the kingdom bleeds corruption and backhand politics, where animal abuse doesn't even begin to cover it. 

In short, Enchanted explores the concept of what would happen if you took animated characters out of their fairytale land and into the real world. I would give a more elaborate summary of this movie, but even to describe the dehumanizing violence and remember the agonizing feats these characters accomplished in moments of pure desperation sends shivers down my spine. Never has the world seen a movie this brutally violent since The Guinea Pig series. However, if you watch it with your eyes covering most of your face and keep a bucket next to you, the movie is actually a very riveting story with characters that won't leave your memory bank easily. 

Amy Adams does one of the more disturbing performances of her career, playing the young damsel in distress Giselle, who falls into a portal and lands in the Real World, New York City. She's fully wed to the rules of her animated world, and has trouble understanding why she can't break out in spontaneous song mass homicide. She's picked up by divorce lawyer Robert Philips (Patrick Dempsey), single father of young little Morgan. His cynicism about relationships, love, and life heals with true love just grows deeper with every murder under Giselle's blade, and he tries desperately to hide the bodies of her victims to keep her innocent. This does not go well for him. 

"When you grow up, if you still feel raw about it...I'll be waiting."

This chipmunk's got nuts.

The handsome James Marsden, however, steals the show as Prince Edward, who chases Giselle into the Real World and intends to make her his own. His character is reminiscent of Mr. Blonde on speed. He's volatile, savage, and merciless. Yet does it all with a smile. His high-energy drives the movie forward, determined to get to his goal, yet constantly sidetracked with ADD tendencies and a thirst for destruction. And all the while he's charming, ridiculous, and downright goofy. He carries with him his sidekick (Giselle's companion), Pip, the fast-talking silver-tongued Chipmunk. Pip has clearly lead a hard life somewhere in the dregs of Brooklyn--he started with small beginnings riding along side Travis Bickle, but moved up in the world when he joined the underground mafia of Andalasia and became the most dangerous chipmunk with an Uzi.

The headless mannequin is just another victim. 

Another notable mention to the ladies of the movie--one of my all time favorite Broadway performers Idina Menzel spends the entire time uh...not singing. Well then. However, what the writers have denied her in song, they make up for in bloodshed. She shows she can act on and off the stage, playing the micromanaging girlfriend of Robert. Oh, and she's also a Ninja Assassin on the side, also known as the deadliest woman with ninja throwing stars. And they say perfection is overrated. She ultimately joins Prince Edward in a romance that the world hasn't seen since Mickey and Mallory Knox. And finally, who can forget Susan Sarandon. She's...well. The villain. Reprising her role from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975), she plays a dominatrix who goes by Queen Narissa, and keeps that rat man from Harry Potter as her personal slave. She's great in everything she does, and this sexually disturbing role is no exception. Just be prepared to donate your dead libido to the black market. The rat man, however, seems bitter towards rodents these days, and--a note to the activists--ends up performing a crucifixion on Pip after he refuses to talk and betray his men. I only pray animals were not harmed in the making of this film. 

Actual still from movie.

Overall, this movie contains brutality of catastrophic proportions and shouldn't be seen by anyone under 90 or over 16. Oh, and a happy birthday shout out to my lovely girlfriend. 

Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas, You Naughty Motherfuckers.

BLACK SANTA'S REVENGE (2007)

Image from http://badazzmofo.com

Christmas came early this year, all thanks to a post made by The Lighting Bug's Lair. Santa with a gun, treacherous elves, slutty hookers who want nothing more than a chance to sit on Ol' Nick's lap? Yes, please. Black Santa's Revenge is a short blaxploitation flick staring Ken Foree, best known for his role in the original Dawn Of The Dead. Black Santa (not kidding, that's what he's listed as on IMDB) dons the costume of Santa and brings joy to the kids of the ghetto, promising them they'll get gifts even though their parents can't afford them. But Santa's got a surprise--a shit ton of toys shoved in the back for the kids this year. Yep. This Santa keeps his promises. Until a gangster who hates Santa AND Christmas comes and steals all the toys. And so it begins, and Black Santa goes on a roaring rampage of revenge to get the toys back and save Christmas.

The thing is, this is just one of those movies that's fun to say you saw it. "Oh, what'd you do for Christmas?" "Yeah, I dropped A Christmas Story this year and went with Black Santa's Revenge instead." It's fun, it's campy, and it's just one of those movies worth watching to get into the holiday spirit. As much as "Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra" will always make me laugh. Plus, it's only 20 minutes long, and it's worth every minute. Sure, it's low budget and it shows, but it you can get passed the "special effects" and artistic design, the plot is fun, the characters are hysterical, and Ken Foree makes one badass Santa.

"Making my list, checking it twice, gonna put all you naughty motherfuckers on ice."

It's basically impossible to get this movie unless you download it from the homepage, where you can get an online copy for only $3.99. Totally worth it. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.

Shoot First, Sightsee Later.

IN BRUGES (2008)

Thank you Dublin.

If you, like I, long to go out to see some brilliant movies that are coming out such as Black Swan or something fun and stupid like Due Date, but are stuck in the bone-softening, temperature-sensitive, curl-up-under-the-blankets-and-hibernate winter mode, here's one to put on your list to watch from the warm comfort of your yule log. Martin McDonagh, the acclaimed Irish playwright of the black comedy The Pillowman (shout out to my theatre connoisseur girlfriend for that one), proves once again that Europe just knows how to do gangster flicks better with his sharp-whited crime film, In Bruges. Don't get me wrong, fellow Americans--we've got the explosives. We've got the quick, extensive, choreographed fight scenes. We've got the mafia. But what we don't have is that gritty, harsh, sarcastic sense of humor in the macabre that Europeans seem to nail on the head every time. The close attention to character, dramatic relationships, and--thank god--crisp dialogue is something that is extraordinarily rare in American action films, and yet In Bruges captures it all and gives us a damn entertaining film worth its weight in expletives.

Image from www.poptheology.com

Welcome to the sleepy, Hallmark town of Bruges, Belgium. The resting place of waffles, medieval architecture, and two hitmen laying low after a job to off a priest turns sour when a little boy gets caught in the crossfire. Ken (played by the always-brilliant Brendan Gleeson) babysits his partner, the guilt-ridden Ray (Colin Farrell), as the two simply do their best to keep their sanity as they wait for their boss to give them the green light to come home. The simple enough premise gets thorny when Ken is assigned to a task that goes against the grain of his moral obligations and Ray, meanwhile, vies for the attention of a drop-dead gorgeous drug pusher (Clemence Poesy) with lethal complications.

It's really hard to give an accurate description of this movie without sounding like I'm pandering to the pseudo-intellectuals in us. But the truth is--yes, if you enjoy symbolism, redemption and damnation, and lovely little cinematic molehills planted in the beginning of the film which spin into mountain-sized explosive payoffs--this is the movie for you. However, if you just want to sit back, kick up your feet, and liquidate your brain--this is also the movie for you. The entertainment value is not to be undermined, and while the literary lovefest of deeper meanings and subtle complexities is there--there is excessive cursing, there are drugs, there are midgets (or dwarfs) who hang off the arms of Amsterdam whores. In short, it is impossible not to love this movie.

Image from the Guardian.

I may not be the biggest Colin Farrell fan (hey, anyone remember that movie Alexander? No? My point exactly), but he tore the house down in this film. It's hard not to love Ray, with his childlike impatience and punch-first-apologize-later attitude, who simultaneously carries a heavy burden of guilt on his shoulders. He's silly, absurd, and heartbreaking all at once, and between McDonagh's purely brilliant dialogue and Farrell's ease with which he slips into Ray's skin, the performance is amazing (the judges thought so too--Farrell won a Golden Globe for best actor in a musical/comedy). As for his buddy Ken, Bredan Gleeson, no surprise here, pulls off another fantastic performance as the "stick in the mud" yet sensible one of the two. And then there's their boss, Harry: father, husband, and top-dog gangster. Is there anything Ralph Fiennes can't do? His comic timing is hilarious, and he plays the perfect "cunt". Lastly, a shout out to Clemence Poesy, who some may know as Fleur from Harry Potter, but who I know as the charming, man-eating pusher with a sadistic edge, and Jordan Prentice, who deserves many more roles than simply "the token midget" and proves you don't have to be "this tall" to be a great actor.

And so don't get up out of bed this winter season. You may have to be a retarded farmer to enjoy Bruges, but anyone who's anyone will be thoroughly entertained by In Bruges. I bet my santa hat on it.