Modesty Blaise: Double Feature!

MODESTY BLAISE (1966)

Image from listal.

It's really only fair that Modesty Blaise follows James Bond (with a little Haywire in between--I got a little too excited about that movie and prematurely reviewaculated), as she is the 007 of women. She's the women every man wants and every woman wants to be. I mean...you know. James Bond with tits and a bad acid trip. The thing about Modesty Blaise is that it's your quintessential 60s movie. You have to go in knowing that or else you might squawk in surprise for the first half of the film like a violated chicken. Everything is weird and nothing makes sense, but you leave with the vague impression that you've been smacked in the face with an Andy Warhol.

I'm pretty sure there was a plot. Something about Modesty Blaise, the government spy type, being doubled crossed by...someone. I'm also pretty sure I zoned out halfway through, so I'm sure there was a little more to the plot than that. But the fact that my attention fizzled and died says it all, really. Credit where credit is due--Modesty Blaise packs some punches. Naturally, her biggest asset as a spy is her pretty smile and her way to charm everyone she meets (really. Everyone. She even has a small army of stereotypical arabs in her pocket). But the really wild thing about her is she's not afraid to kill. With a smile. Which is honestly a little chilling, because she's more or less what Audrey Hepburn would look like if she went M16. Now imagine Holy Go-fuckin'-lightly pulling a Patrick Bateman at the end of Breakfast at Tiffany's and you catch my drift. As for the actors themselves, Monica Vitta plays Modesty Blaise and does a good job of it. The only other one really worth mentioning is Terence Stamp, who plays her platonic (question mark?) partner in crime. I have a large soft spot for Terence Stamp, which is weird because he doesn't actually have a very large claim to fame, but he's always done good in my book.

But what this movie really has to offer is atmosphere. In bucketfuls. I don't know what was more colorful in this movie--the characters or the wallpaper. The outfits would have made David Bowie blush, the set design is trippy as hell, and the props are quite literally out of this world. And did I mention there are musical numbers? It couldn't get campier if two unicorns were having sex on a rainbow. Lady Gaga, eat your heart out.

In short, it's a great movie to have in the background while you have the pot smoke burning and the lava lamps glowing. As a cinematic story, I'm not sure it actually holds up. But it's visually amazing, generally good fun, and has a couple ridiculous musical numbers if that's your kind of thing.

MY NAME IS MODESTY (2004)

Image from www.blurayvn.com.

So, for reasons unbeknownst to...just about everyone in the modern world, for some reason, we've decided to pull Miss Modesty Blaise out of retirement. I have a vague suspicion that it might have something to do with the fact that Quentin Tarantino produced it. My Name Is Modesty has very little do with the original movie. We've picked up the pace, we've cut down on the flash, and we've modernized it. A shit ton. 

My Name Is Modesty follows Modesty Blaise, who now works in a casino. Which is all well and fine. Until, of course, a group of criminals come to collect what's theirs at the casino and find one very challenging roadblock in their way--Modesty Blaise. The only one who can let them into the vault. And so begins a long night of a cat and mouse game between Modesty Blaise and her captors. On a bet, she ends up telling them her history in entirety. It's really an origins story for Modesty Blaise, splashed with the nice tense background of a hold up at a casino. 

Modesty and the 7th Dwarf.

Modesty Blaise is played by Alexandra Staden, who comes across as a sleek, manipulative woman, always in control of herself and those around her. She has an edge of morbid humor and an uncanny ability to stare her attackers in the eye, even when they have a gun pointed at her. In short, she's a badass, but subtly so. In the other corner, we have the thief, Miklos, played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. If that name sounds familiar, you've been watching too much Game Of Thrones. Yes, Modesty is a badass, but this guy really steals the movie. He's sadistic, but in that way that taps into the campy, B-movie spirit of the film. He's smarmy, but at the same time very human. He's used to being in control when he has a gun in his hand, and it's a lot of fun watching him trying to figure out how to psych out Modesty, who is unshakable. 

Her origins story itself is a lot of fun. It has everything you could want from it--the wise old mentor, the young rebel girl, the story of these two surviving against the odds. Despite the fact that there's only really one fight scene at the end, the movie moves along at a clip pace and keeps you engaged. It helps that it runs a neat 77 minutes and is on instant play on Netflix. If you need a good rainy day movie or have an hour to kill, My Name Is Modesty is good, solid, B-movie fun. 

Don't Eat The Red Snow.

ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)

Well, this never happened to the other fellow.

Time to say goodbye to suave, witty, and badass Sean Connery, and hello to the Australian male model, George Lazenby. Skeptical? Me too. I'll give them props for at least do a tasteful turnover of actors. We get a slow introduction to Lazenby...a car chase, lighting a cigarette, taking a sip of smoke through his lips. Sitting beside his gun, his hands on the car wheel, the binoculars covering his face. They hold out on showing him as long as they can, until finally the reveal, complete with the ever satisfying, "Bond, James Bond." But can Lazenby fill the big shoes Sean Connery left him? Read on to find out! I'll give you a hint: the answer is no.

James Bond: George Lazenby. It's not personal. Really. Truth me told, he does his job to the best of his ability. He's very straight face, he's got some charm, and he does a good job with halfhearted double entendres. But he's just...how do I put this? Too fucking posh. Maybe it's the way he carries himself, or the fact that he spends half the movie in a skirt, or the fact that most of his fight scenes involve skiing and turtlenecks. I'm just finding it hard to believe he'd really be willing to get dirty. This isn't to say Bond isn't posh, exactly. Sure, he likes the high life. He lives it up. But there's also something very rugged about Bond. Something that says even though he likes fancy cars and nice hotels and women in furs, he also doesn't mind rolling in the mud and chopping down trees and doing hard, manly work. And there's something about Lazenby that makes me think he lifts his pinky when he drinks his tea. Most probably has something to do with the fact that he sounds like an old lady when he fights.

There's also a different between being as careless as a boy, and as irritating as a boy. Bond generally isn't very mature, period, but his boyish attitude comes out of his recklessness. This Bond is more like that irritating kid in the back of the bus who won't stop telling everyone about his cool red Power Ranger toy. He's way too chatty. There's witty banter, and then there's shut the fuck up. Not to mention, he's a petty little shit. He gets in a fight with M. over a mission, and after not getting his way, threatens to resign. Really? Why call the movie "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" when he's willing to resign over a petty argument? But hey, guess it doesn't matter because M. rolls over like a useless dog for Bond.

Bond...in love? We're introduced to Bond's love interest while he's playing cards with a pair of tits. Oh wait! That's not just any pair of tits, that's Tracy Di Vicenzo's pair of tits, hanging off the lovely Diana Rigg. In all truthfulness, Tracy is my favorite part of this movie. She makes for a great Bond girl--she's sassy, she's got connections, and she's aloof. The Bond girls always "try to resist" James Bond, but Tracy is one of the few who pulls off her distant attitude well. I think it can all be summed up by the fact that he more or less prostitutes her into his bed for the first time after she loses money she can't pay back in a game of cards, and her reaction to his advances is a simple, disinterested, let's-get-this-over-with "Hm". If nothing else, she makes for a good challenge. 

A challenge which gets more...challenging when we realize that Tracy is the daughter of a high end mobster, a mobster who then hires Bond...to fuck her into submission. Wow. So is this a Bond film or a porn film? Did he seriously just tell Bond his daughter needed to be tamed by the way of the cock? I understand outrageousness is Bondtastic, but. More on the porn film part of this movie later.

Meanwhile, Bond and Tracy start to fall in love. Whodathunk? And this is the only Bond movie in which, halfway through, we get a montage of Bond and the Bond girl falling in love. Not a car chase, not an explosion, no. Instead, he's taking her on dates, walking through the park with her. Who switched my movie with Breakfast At Tiffany's? Allow me to sleep through his section...

Bond girls: Hey, a roomful of Bond girls! I'm awake again. It turns out, Blofeld has a room filled with sex starved young women who are there...to heal their allergies or some convoluted fucking plot. And what does Bond do? He gives the sex-starved chicks a lesson on the word genealogy. While they all eat dinner seductively. There's a banana in the mix. It happens. But, of course, after dinner, all the ladies want a little dessert. And so he proceeds to have a good twenty minutes hoping from bedroom to bedroom, having his way with the women of the place. This won't end badly. Not at all. Except for the fact that it does when it ends up blowing his cover. Er...whoops?

Image from virginmedia.com.

Villains: Well, I figured, even if the rest of it isn't great, it has Blofeld, and he's going to be awesome, right? Well. No, not right. He's actually really fucking boring in this movie. He's got the most over elaborate world domination plot, and he cut off his earlobes. Er. Not really all that sinister.

However. There is one villain who stands out among the wreckage. And that is Irma Bunt (Ilse Steppat), also known as the deadliest cock block known to man. She's mean, she's got a face like a bulldog, and she's got a thick "don't fuck with me" accent. She's one of those women that would be terrifying if you just happened to bump into her on the street anyway, but since she's an evil henchwomen who's manipulating an army of Bond Girls, yeah, I'd say she's pretty fucking badass. Plus, she kills Tracy, so props for her.

Most badass moment: Turning a snow machine...into a death machine. Don't eat the red snow.

Most ridiculous moment: As Bond waits for his safe-unlocking device to work, he flips through a playboy. Bitch, Bond doesn't need a playboy to look at breasts. He snaps his fingers and breasts magically appear. On a silver fucking platter. With complimentary twins. What is this?

You know it's all gone to shit when Bond says "I do".

Overall: The thing is it's not a particularly bad movie on its own. It's very much a British spy film, complete with various Bond costumes and deceptions, his complicated love affair with Tracey, kilts, curling. It most probably resembles the slow pace of the book more than the other movies. It has its charms. But it's just...not a Bond film. There's not enough car chases, not enough explosions, not enough sex. It didn't help that it felt like two completely different movies in one. First, we have Bond propositioned by a mob boss to marry the boss' daughter and all the complications involved in that. Second, we have Blofeld hypnotizing women who have allergies so that they might become some deadly squad of assassins or something like that. The two probably have some connection, but if they do, I missed it completely. The only way they intervene is that Tracy "just happens" to show up at the ski rink. Convenient, no? But convenience is kind of the name of the game with this movie, with cute little gimmicks that I could do without, like a car chase "just so happening" to break into a car race. Overall, I come out of the movie with one reaction: "Ehhh."

Go Where No Bond Has Gone Before.

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

So we've done the casino games. We've done the underwater shark fights. What's next? Well, it's 1967, we've just started poking at space, but we're still so afraid of our next door neighbors that we have to come up with a motherfucking space treaty in order to make sure no one blows up the earth. Really, it was a Bond plot waiting to happen. It only makes sense then that our first scene takes place in outer space, in what I consider to be the most thrilling Bond opening so far. First, we have our space men attacked by some weird giant outer space squid (thank you, Watchmen). Next, there's a tense political debate between the USA and the USSR, in which America is full of bulldog faces and the Soviets are "peace loving people". The UK acts as the man in the corner with a monocle who tells you all to politely go get your IQ checked and sends the Americans after the Japanese instead. Slam cut to our friend 007, who's found a whole other way to use his chopsticks. Naturally, the sly little minx double crosses him, and Bond is...wait...dead? What the hell? This is more depressing than Trail of the Pink Panther (1982). Never fear...a montage of Asian chicks against an exploding volcano with the ultimately forgettable Leslie Bricusse is here. Though I'll admit that I did a double take when I saw this: Screenplay By Roald Dahl. Well. I'll be a monkey's fucking uncle.

The plot goes something like this. Bond (elaborately) fakes his death in order to shake off some old enemies and devote himself completely to his current mission. M. sends him to Japan to find out where all these space crafts are going. It's a good thing James Bond isn't conspicuously a foot taller than everyone around him.

What I learned about Japan:

1. Sumo wrestling is a serious business.

2. All Japanese business men live in giant meditation gardens.

3. If you're a guest in a Japanese household, not only is their house yours, but so are all their possessions. Naturally.

4. In Japan, men always come first. Women come second. (I may be a lesbian, but I'm pretty sure that's not only in Japan).

5. NINJAS!

Image of batshit Ninja from thehollywoodprojects.com.

Characters: James Bond, as always, kills first and asks questions later. Which is slightly inconvenient when you finally chase down the man who killed your contact, and instead of interrogation him to find out who sent him, you kill him on the spot. Hindsight 20/20? One of the best things about this Bond movie, however, is that it seems to have weeded out the expendable characters. Instead of having a large number of bad guys who can't fight or shoot and apparently have lost all their survival instincts, we have a smaller number of bad guys, each with well choreographed fight scenes, which keeps the movie flowing at a nice, tense pace. But maybe it's just the awesome that is martial arts.

The only other character worth mention is Mr. Henderson, who...looks...surprisingly...like...Bloefield. I wonder if that's ever going to come back? WINK.

What's Up, Tiger Lily?

Bond Girls: Aki, played conveniently by Akiko Wakabayawshi, is one of the better characters in this movie. She's badass in her own right--she saves Bond's ass more than once and Bond doesn't seem to feel like he has to babysit her like he does with all of his other female companions. And, sure, she moons over Bond, but she does it in a quiet way, with small hopeful glances that somehow look adorable on her rather than irritating. Apparently it's just her timid Japaneseness. Because this movie isn't politically correct at all, of course. Unfortunately, she finally has sex with Bond, which is a mistake on her part, since she gets killed almost instantly after. Bummer.

The first emotionally-timid Asian is replaced by an even more quiet and shy Asian--Kissy Suzuki, who's name unfortunately wasn't even mentioned in the film. A real pity, because it's such a good Bond girl name to waste. She's Bond's undercover wife, and keeps her head obediently in a constant downward tilt. That is, until she opens her mouth and reveals herself to be a real cockblocking tiger mom. Damn. At least Bond can stare at her longingly while she sleeps and fan himself in an Edward Cullen fashion.

Villains: If there's one thing this movie really lacks, it's good villains. Overall, they're pussies, except of course for our friend Blofeld, but he doesn't even make an appearance until halfway through the movie anyway. And my appearance I mean "hand petting cat while evil voice speaks". That is, until the end, when...AH! We see his evil little face for the first time! And he's a terrifying little man, with a long scar running along the side of his face, one eyelid drooping down.

Mr. Osato is really one of the most boring henchmen of all time. The only thing semi-interesting about him is his gadgets--which really just involve a high-tech x-ray. So, yeah. He's about as interesting as oatmeal.

SPECTRE is full of pussies.

Helga Brandt is attractive in that she's-the-only-non-Asian-in-this-movie,-of-course-he's-gonna-fuck-her way. Plus, she stares at Bond with fuck me eyes in an extraordinarily obvious way. Right in front of her "man". But it's totally okay, because she has sex with Bond and then tries to kill him again. So the killing definitely cancels out the sex, even Bond is hesitant to bring it up after. And she gets chewed up by piranha, which is always a good way for an evil Bond girl to go in my book.

Most badass moment: Ninjas vs. SPECTRE. Does it get much better?

Most ridiculous moment: James Bond thinks he's turning Japanese. What. The. Fuck.

Image from pictoralpress.com

Best gadget: James Bond's "toy helicopter". The end.

One more thing:
Cinematically, this is when Bond really starts to get interesting. They tried out a couple new things with this Bond, and they all worked out very nice. For example, instead of the tight, up close and personal fighting scenes in which one man right after the other charges after James Bond, at the dock we have a pan-out where we get to see the fight from a bird's eye view, watching Bond knock them all down like bowling pins. And then we have the helicopter chase, where Bond doesn't realize he's being followed until he sees the shadows of the other helicopters in the mountain top. Besides the camera angle, there's a couple other nice little touches, like an entire scene in unsubtitled Russian. But when a giant space craft eating monster is opening its jaws and swallowing your spaceship, you don't really need subtitles to understand what they're saying. 

Quotes: "Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?"

Moneypenny: "We tried to think of something you wouldn't forget. I love you. Repeat it once so you don't forget."

Bond: "Well, I think it's about hotel time."

Bond: "If you're Tanaka, how do you feel about me?"
Tanaka: "I...love you?"
Bond: "Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way."

Tanaka: "My friend, now you take your first civilized bath."
Bond [surrounded by "bathing girls"]: "Really? I like the plumbing."

Tanaka: "Good choice. She's very sexiful."

Bond [As he's taking off Brandt's clothes]: "The things I do for England."

Bond: "We're supposed to be married."
Kissy: "Think again, please."

Bond's Wet T-Shirt Contest.

THUNDERBALL (1965)

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Bond in a jetpack!

If Thunderball has one thing, it is this: only opening that can boast Bond getting in a fight, first with an old lady, and then with a drag queen. And then...taking off in a jetpack? Yeah. I'm sold. 

The opening credits is everything you would want from a Bond opening. The song, sung by Tom Jones, is deliciously Bondian, we've got the silhouetted women bodies swimming through the water. Sounds good to me. Nothing particularly astounding by it, but at the same time, I couldn't really ask for more. 

Characters: Dear Felix. He's no longer an old man! Victory! Instead, he's a silver fox of a man. Who, despite the fact that he's CIA, nearly gives away Bond's cover in his first line of the movie. Well done, secret service. He's almost as bad as Archer. 

Of course, my friend Q is always amazing. It helps that he's wearing a stupid islandy pineapple shirt. I really think the chemistry between Q and Bond is some of the best chemistry in the movie. They've got their snippy banter as Q attempts to teach Bond a little more control on his motor reflexes, and yet their bromance somehow shines through every time. Sean Connery and Desmond Llewelyn have a wonderfully organic naturalness to their relationship, and I can't get enough of it. 

Bond Girls: James Bond is amazingly rapist-like in this movie. I mean, he's always a bit of a rapist, but in this movie he's particularly forceful. His first near-sex scene involves him grabbing a struggling physician and attempting to kiss her into submission. He's punished briefly with the rack of death, but then is rewarded for his efforts by blackmailing her into sex. The moral here? If devious methods to get laid doesn't work the first time, try, try again. 

Poor Paula is great. She puts up with Bond even when he abandons her to watch the car. And she's one of the few early Bond girls who doesn't actually get in Bond's pants. Which just proves my point. As a woman, you have one of two options in a Bond movie. Sleep with Bond, or die. Like dear totally not a lesbian Tilly, Paula ended up with the latter. 

And then there's Domino. She's all you need in a Bond girl, really. Sassy, hot as hell, and she turns into putty under Bond's charm, but. Eh. It happens. Unlike most poster girl Bond Girls, she actually has a little drama, what with her murdered brother and all. However, it helps that her little sob story is told through tears and bikini strings. 

Villains: SPECTRE is back. In a big way. One of the best scenes is at the very beginning, when we open up to a SPECTRE meeting of nefarious characters. Blofeld at the front, stroking his pussy, and speaking with a shade covering his face. Which is the first hint you're not working alongside justice. The second hint is when everyone in the business deal is referred to only by numbers. The third hint is when your boss kills members of the business deal via electric chair. Do not trust the comfortable looking lounge chairs. 

Largo, with his coat with floppy arms and his eye patch, is a brilliant villain. And he has a crazy band of eunuch bodyguards who wear only black and sunglasses. Between the sunglasses and the eye patch, it's like the three blind mice all over again. Speaking of blind. He also happens to be one of the only Bond villains who gets killed by his captive mistress/token Bond girl exacting revenge on her murdered brother. How epic is that? Pretty fucking epic, I'd say.  

Fiona Volpe is one badass villain. In all honesty, she's really the reason I love this movie so much. For one, she can actually act. She's precise, cunning about her kills, and deadly in a way most female villains aren't. Sure, she uses sex to get her way, but she does it with an amount of coldness that somehow makes her that much more awesome. She fucks them to get her way, but it's not simply a "distraction method" until the men get here and take care of it. She uses her time she spends with her victims to memorize their habits and use that against them. In short, she's a great villain, who just happens to be extremely foxy. And she has a fucking motorcycle that explodes things. Take me to your bedroom.

Angelo is another great one. He's just one of those guys that happens to be in the wrong business at the wrong time. First of all, he's clearly crazy as fuck. He spends two years devoting himself to this one role and getting intense plastic surgery. And then goes ahead and asks for more money. C'mon, dude. Haven't you ever seen how these things work? You ask for more money after the mission and they're just going to kill you. It's the way it happens. 

Most badass moment: Stealing a plane with warheads by hijacking one of the pilot's faces, then submerging it under water in a fake crash landing? Underwater landing strip and everything? I've got to hand it to the movie, for a Bond movie, this one actually has...well. A plot. And a good one, at that. 

Most ridiculous moment: I. Hate. Underwater. Fights. I'll say it now, and I'll repeat it every time we have one. Because Bond goes through a period in which, in every fucking movie, they have a damn underwater fight. What, did Hollywood have a surplus of maneating sharks or something? They're hard to choreograph, every moves with giant flippers, and it's just awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe it was cool the first time, but I've seen enough Bond movies to be sick of it. 

Best quotes: Codename? Thunderball...

Moneypenny: "In the conference room. Every 00 in Europe has been rushed in, and the Home Secretary too."
Bond: "Somebody's probably lost a dog."

Domino: "What sharp little eyes you've got."

Bond: "Wait until you get to my teeth."

Fiona: "Some men just don't like to be driven."

Bond: "No, some men just don't like to be taken for a ride."

Fiona: [in bathtub] "Since you are here, would you mind giving me something to put on?"

*Bond hands over shoe*

Bond: "You mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead."

James Bond Does Man Talk.

GOLDFINGER (1964)

So I royally suck ass at BlogalongaBonding. I got Dr. No (1962) down no problem, somehow ended up skipping over From Russia With Love (1963), and now I'm getting Goldfinger in by the skin of my teeth. That said and done, it really would be a travesty not to review Goldfinger, since it is one of the most iconic Bond films of all time. We start with obligatory irrelevant opening sequence. And James Bond has a dead bird on his head. How can it get any better from here? But we do get a brilliant little transformation bit on Bond's part--soemthing we don't really see that much. Bond blowing something up and then doing a Superman style transformation into plain clothes. It's oddly satisfying. Almost as satisfying as Bond then going to take care of his "unfinished business" with a naked lady, only to put her in the line of fire when she double crosses him ("Shocking...positively shocking").

Entire title sequence--gold clad chicks with images reflected on their skin. So it's not quite as thrilling and CGI as the later Bonds, but there's something nice about the simplicity of it. Not to mention, Shirley Bassey pulls off a great Bond theme song--there's just something so very Bond about it. Maybe I won't listen to Shirley Bassey so much in my spare time, but she sets a perfect mood. 

Action: For a Bond movie, it actually takes up surprisingly long to get some real action going. We don't have our first bona-fide car chase until about 45 minutes in. Equipped with satisfying cars rolling off cliffs and exploding, but still. It just takes us a while to get moving. There's a lot of talking, a lot of explaining, even a whole conversation which doesn't have much importance except for Bond to slander M.'s brandy. Less talky, more explosions. 

I will say there's definitely something awesomely satisfying about watching a car getting crushed into a tiny ball, though. The movie clearly spent more time follow Oddball's venture to get this car smashed into a dense square of metal, and yet there's something about a beautiful car getting demolished under the crushing jaws of a machine that makes it hard to look away. Possibly bringing some repressed childhood emotions of The Brave Little Toaster (1987), but it is what it is. 

And of course, like a surprising number of Bond films, Bond has a moment where his manly bits are in jeopardy, chained down to a plate of gold while Goldfinger's laser draws up slowly, prepared to cut him in half from the bottom up. I mean, sure, his life is in danger here, but you know he'd be sweating a lot less if the laser's aim was to slice of his neck or something. 

One of the more interesting parts of the movie, however, is that Bond doesn't actually save the day. Yes, he kills Goldfinger (who knew a man that big could fit through something as small as an airplane window), and yes, he does all the secret agent stuff we require of him. But the one thing he doesn't do is dismantle the bomb. Because James Bond knows almost everything, but he can't always have the answers. And this is a great moment that Sean Connery pulls off perfectly. Bond, in his do or die glory, decides he's going to rip out all the wires since he can't find the right one and hope for the best. But just before he does--a hand on his arm. Finally. A fucking bomb technician, who actually knows what the hell he's doing, here to cut the right wire. It's a subtle moment, but one I give Ian Fleming all the more credit for nonetheless. 

Characters: Bond: "Felix, say hello to Dink." Felix: "Hi, Dink." Bond: "Dink, say goodbye to Felix." Dink: *Pout?* Bond: "Uh, man talk." *Ass slap*. Oh, Bond. Aaaaand Daddy's home. Speaking of Felix. He got...old? But at least he lost his nancy boy shenanigans. And I won't say there's anything wrong with a little professionalism in a Bond movie. It's just a little uninspired. Like you know he's going to be the boring one when we're surrounded by Bond girls, devious villains, and the colorful Bond himself.

Q is always amazing. Desmond Llewelyn has my heart. Though I have to admit, the best part of the entire scene is Bond's exceddingly bored expression as Q rattles off about the beautiful Aston Martin which no doubt will be destroyed over the course of the move. And, of course, there's a red button. C'mon, Q. You know Bond better than that. Don't put a red button in his car and tell him not to touch it. At least do a little reverse psychology or something--make it green and tell him it's imperative that he touches it, and he'll probably leave it the hell alone. 

I must be dreaming.

Bond girls: Jill Masterson. Her entrance is definitely worthy of a Bond girl--hell, we don't even get her face. Just her back, nicely defined in a cute little swimsuit, with her leg propped up, swinging it back and forth absently. She had a nice back and forth with Bond, before one of those "My place or yours?" moments. Then we get one of the best expositions of all time. Bond and Jill are both halfnaked, making out in his bed, as the radio beside the bed croons with: "At the white house this afternoon, the president said he was entirely satisfied--" after which Bond cuts it off. We don't even need his clever: "That makes two of us." We got it the first time. But it's all worth it for what happens next...an unconscious Bond and a golden Jill. Really, what do you say to that? It's a horrifying, yet brilliant death. 

Let's put sister with sister. Tilly Masterson is up next, and for the short amount of time she's in the film, I've gotta say I quite like her. She is one of the few Bond girls who can kind of shrug Bond off without batting her eyes at him the next second (more on that later). She goes so far as to quite literally cut him off in the middle of his "Bond, James Bond". Who does that? Tilly does that. Usually, when Bond doesn't get with a Bond girl, I'm left feeling as unsatisfied as he is, but here I was down with it.

And finally...last but definitely not least. Pussy Galore. Played by the lovely Honor Blackman, one of those actress that kind of grows on you as the movie progresses (or as she starts losing clothes...ah, chicken and egg argument there). They went all fucking out with Pussy Galore. And I loved every inch of it. After two strong, bull busting women, she kind of felt like a bit too bull busting, just because the act was running thin. However, she had one thing going for her that most Bond henchwomen don't. She didn't sleep with Goldfinger. Instead? She had a harem. Of women. Who fly planes. Does it get any better than that? I think not.

Villains: A moment for Goldfinger, now. He has probably the lamest Bond villain entrance ever onto the screen. He's in some pool resort which looks like it should be habited with spring break kids and old grandmother. Goldfinger, in his swim suit and towel, looks to be part of the later category, like he's ready for a game of bingo and a laxative. He doesn't strike you right away as the kind of guy who's about to swindle another man out of large sums of money via card games. Meanwhile, he's got a little bird perched up on the balcony--our dear Jill Masterson, who watches Goldfinger's opponent through binoculars and recites his cards to keep Goldfinger winning. You think the other man would've started to get suspicious what with an ear piece sticking out of Goldfinger's ear, but hey. He's got sunscreen in his eyes. It really is a massive blindspot that Bond challenges Goldfinger to a golf match. Really, first it's the old people's pool, now it's a golf match--is there anything about Goldfinger that doesn't scream Republican head of the NRA? He even has a freaking Asian manservant. A mute one, at that. Speaking of...

Image snagged from gonemovies.com

Oddjob is possibly one of the best things about Goldfinger. He's a mute who can crush golfballs under his bare fist and he's got a bowler hat that kills. I'm sold. Even though his hat has unpredictable properties. One second it cuts through stone and slices off a statue's head. The next, it just somehow bloodlessly knocks Tilly over and kills her. Go figure. 

My next favorite henchman has but a near cameo. But I'm sorry. If you're a grandmother with a machine gun and you still manage to almost knock Bond off his wheels, props to you.

Most badass moment: Pussy Galore's Flying Circus. I rewound and watched the entrance of those girls about ten times. Goddamn.

Most ridiculous moment: Goldfinger's delightful gang of investors might as well be known as the men who ask 1000 questions. "What's that?" "Why's that moving?" "Where's my pacifier?" Babies.

Quotes: This one had some classics, alright. Some of my favorites...

Pussy Galore: "My name is Pussy Galore."
Bond: "I must be dreaming."

Bond: "Do you expect me to talk?"
Goldfinger: "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."

Bond: "This is no time to be rescued. "

Bond: "What do you know about gold, Moneypenny? "
Miss Moneypenny: "Oh, the only gold I know about is the kind you wear... you know, on the third finger of your left hand?"

What the hell: Here's a bit of frustrating trivia--Tilly Masterton, Jill's sister, is supposed to be a lesbian. Who is attracted to Pussy Galore. WHY, MOVIE BOND, WHY? Of all the things you can cut from the book, you're going to deprive us of a lesbian Bond girl moment? I'm tempted to knock this movie down a rating just for that. 

"When You Have To Shoot, Shoot. Don't Talk."

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY (1966)

Image from pafterb.blogspot.com

You know the symptoms. Someone you know comes up to you and says, "Oh my god, I saw [insert movie] last night, and it was LEGENDARY." So you make a note to put it on your list. But then you come across your pretentious coworker who berates you for never seeing [insert movie] and threatens you to watch it or suffer pain of death. So you tell them you'll see it. And then, just when you casually mention that you've finally downloaded it (legally, of course. Er.), your friend who can mouth all the lines to [insert movie] insists on seeing it with you. Well. By this point, you're just plain fucking sick of hearing of it.

Such is the story of Me Vs. The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly (1966). I knew it was a classic. I knew it would be extraordinary. I knew it was one of those movies everyone claimed to love, even if just out of principal. I knew it was Tarantino's all time favorite. Despite all that--it did something that took me completely by surprised. It lived up to its hype. Ten times over. I know I should be working by example and using reverse psychology--telling you just what complete crap this movie is so the margin of people who are stubborn two year olds like will actually see it. All I can say is this: I've been there, I've done that, and the petty pride is not worth depriving yourself of this epic masterpiece. And without further ado...The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

THE GOOD

"I've never seen so many men wasted so badly."

The Character: If you're anything like me, you hear a character defined as "The Good" and you flinch. Instantly, I'm waiting for John Wayne to swagger up, flanked by Captain America wielding his red, white, and blue shield and warm apple pie for Little Timmy. Which just goes to show how much I know about Sergio Leone. The thing that attracts me most to this movie is Leone's bold and unapologetic commentary on human morality. Despite the simplistic titles each character is given, the characters themselves are far from easy to pin down. Clint Eastwood plays "Blondie", aka "The Good", who just so happens to make his living by conning people out of their reward money by pretending to capture wanted criminals only to help them escape after he's got the green in his hand.

Alright. So far, not so good. But, to be fair, he's just about as good as good gets in the wild west. He sneers at criminals, he sees his deals to the end,  and he's honest. He's "the moral one". Ironically enough, it's because he's so "good" that he's actually one of the more unlikable characters in the film. And it has nothing to do with him being a goodie-two-shoes, because he's not. It has to do with the fact that he's the stubbornly moral character stuck in an immoral world, and frankly, we're rooting on the bad guys in this one. In fact, his saving grace for the audience is the fact that he holds such disdain for "crooked" characters, and therefore often comes off as a big dickwad. What it comes down to is a simple blaring contradiction: in order to be "the good guy", he has to be a loner, he can't get emotionally attached to the devious characters he attracts, despite the travels they go through and the brotherhood that they form. Because he's incapable of really bonding with the other characters in the movie, he comes off as cold and even callous--even if we still love him for his warrior-like devotion to his own moral code. Clint Eastwood, of course, blows the role out of the park, with his "blondie" good looks, marred by an unfortunate desert incident, and his cool swagger.

The Movie: As for the movie itself. It's so fucking epic, it's hard to actually pinpoint what to compliment. And when I say epic, I don't mean it in that bro "whoa, that wheely was way epic, dude" way. I mean War and Peace EPIC. It's a long movie, sure, but the journey we go through with these characters--their relationships, their traumas, their brotherhood--it's human. And you care deeply about each and every one of the characters.

Credit where credit is due. Leone knows how to film a movie. It's rare that I'll compliment a movie stylistically like that, but. Each shot was fantastic, and so hyper-stylized it's hard to believe that this wasn't filmed in this decade. Lots of close up eye shots, for all your eye-fetishies. You know who you are.

The music is phenomenal. Ennio Morricone I recognized from countless Tarantino films, which I know is a bit of a backwards way to do it, but. C'est la vie. He has that type of instrumental music that really gets inside you like a good bong hit and invades your blood stream. It quickens the heart, draws you into the center of the action...just listening to it makes me want to jump on a horse and ride eighty miles through the Italian Western desert.

THE BAD

"But you know the pity is, when I'm paid, I always follow my job through. You know that."

The Character: Christoph Waltz, you've just met your match. Never has there been a smoother, more intimidating, and yet somehow sympathetic villain as "Angel Eyes" Sentenza. Just when you thought this movie couldn't get anymore morally ambiguous, Leone calls his villain "Angel Eyes". Be still, my heart. Sentenza is Bad. Fucking. Ass. He spends the first what feels like ten minutes of the movie simply walking into a man's house, sitting down across from him at his kitchen table, and slicing into his food. Never has "two men eating breakfast" been so tense. The best part about Sentenza? He's a near mirror of Blondie. He's gives off the vibe of a man who's just "doing his job". There's nothing inherently evil about Sentenza. He's not pure viciousness, and there's no real evidence that he gets any satisfaction from being sadistic. He just happens to have a job that involves killing people. So he's good at his job, so sue him. He's a dedicated, mean, lean, badass machine. Lee Van Cleef manages to balance the line between a completely terrifying and subtly human perfectly.  

The Movie: So the movie is long. A good three hours long. Suck it up, you ADD jackasses. Take some Ritalin if you have to. It's worth it. I know our generation is used to the good ol' instant gratification slam, bam, thank you, ma'am. However. The weight of the movie lies in the strength of the characters and the emotional journeys they go through. By the end of the movie, I knew them so well I asked Tuco to be the best man at my wedding. It was that kind of relationship.  I know, Leone has some scenes that just seem to be a couple men glaring at each other for about five minutes. But you know what, when it runs alongside Ennio Morricone's score, you really can't complain.

The one scene I will pick a small fight with was when Blondie and Tuco came across a civil war battle and try to disguise themselves as union soldiers. It was the one time I really directly felt the hand of the '60s in the film, a little war commentary seeping in there. It could've come right out Apocalypse Now (1979), honestly (even if Apocalypse Now is some 13 years later. You wanna fight about it?). The thing was, I was there with these characters throughout the whole movie. I didn't mind the length of the film because the action wasn't there simply to fill plot holes--everything that happened to these characters was character driven. If they ended up at a prisoner of war camp, it had less to do with the politics of the time and more to do with the fact that the characters where fucks ups who couldn't tell the Union and Confederacy apart (though, to be fair, desert dust is hell). But everything that happened to the movie came straight from the dynamics of the characters, and not from the writer's "hand of god". Here, I wasn't feeling it so much. We got introduced to Lt. Dan--I mean--"unnamed alcoholic Union Captain", who was supposed to be inspiring and...something. Maybe I'm being dense. Maybe I just didn't get it. But the thing was, it was the only time I felt Blondie and Tuco were just...randomly thrown into a situation. Frankly, I didn't care about the Captain. I just cared about Blondie and Tuco. I get that the scene under the bridge was important for the two characters and definitely a necessary and vital bit to the movie, but it was the whole scene itself that felt a little...out of place to me. But I could just be a picky bastard. Onward.

THE UGLY

"There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend: those with the rope around the neck, and the people who have the job of doing the cutting."

The Character: You would think that in a movie that has two characters labeled "The Good" and "The Bad", The Ugly would be the least of everyone's concerns. However, The Ugly steals the motherfucking show. Reason 341 why Leone is straight up genius. Eli Wallach plays Tuco, the Mexican bandit who will steal, cheat, and kill to get his way. He's dirty, he's malicious, he's ridiculous, and yet he's the most human character in the entire movie and (if you're me) the character you're really rooting for. In any other movie, he might serve as a bit of "comedic relief" or even the bit part villain. However, we get to know him as a man who's simply always living under the heels of everyone else, and squirms and claws and fights his way to get on top. He's merciless, greedy, repulsive--but there's more than that. There's a distinct sense of loneliness about good old Tuco--he aches for some sort of companionship, someone he can trust and call "brother". Even if, you know. He dragged so-called brother nearly 100 miles under the desert sun until his face was peeling off in chunks. But hakuna matata, right?

In many ways, there is something very "comedic relief"-esque about Tuco. He adds a certain amount of levity to the movie, which is much needed considering "The Good" and "The Bad" are such heavyhanded motherfuckers. Despite this, he's the one character who we really know anything about. He has a past, he has a brother that comes back to haunt him. He has some dramatic highs and lows--between losing his partner in crime, to tormenting him, to regaining him back. He's really the one who seems to have the most at stake when it comes to hunt for the buried gold. He's the one who goes through the most changes--from being the greedy loner to finally reaching out and finding a partnership in Blondie (a trust, we discover, that is not mutual. But then again, Tuco isn't exactly above scamming his own brothers either). And he's the one, at the end, who really gets the last word in all this (quite literally). And so, despite the fact that Angel Eyes and Blondie are such epic, intense characters--Tuco is the real human of the story, the one who somehow manages to balance both the "good" and the "bad".

The Movie: Unless you know Italian, there's a good chance the dubbing is going to bug the crap out of you. You get used to it after a while. But it's a Spaghetti Western, it is what it is. Take it or leave it. And I think they do a pretty fantastic job of getting the voices and mouths spot on, so. You know. You take what you can get. Also, if you can't stand that gritty 60s feel, well. It's what real people look like. Not glossed over with way too many special effects and all that photoshop crap.

Pwn, amigo.

In short...this movie is badass to the extreme. Now excuse me while I go rewatch it another ten times.

Bond. James Bond.

DR. NO (1962)

The extraordinarily inventive Dr. No title page.

It's official. Despite the fact that MGM is apparently full of pussies with empty pockets, James Bond WILL return. Bond 23 has been on hold for a while now, but now they're saying he'll come back in true blonde form in November 2012. All of 22 months from now. I'll let that sink in. 22 months...22 current Bond movies...great Scott!!! The Incredible Suit put two and two together and came up with the BlogalongaBond, which is something that should not be attempted to say five times fast. In short, you have to do something related to the Bond film of the month every month until Bond 23 is finally released. Be still, my beating heart. And so, I have recklessly thrown myself into the Bond foray, albeit at the very tail end of January, starting this year off with the classic...Dr. No. 

The official definition runs like this: In the film that launched the James Bond saga, 007 (Sean Connery) battles the mysterious Dr. No, a scientific genius bent on destroying the U.S. space program. Bond travels to Jamaica where he encounters the beautiful Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress) and confronts the megalomaniac in his evil island lair. Great! I wasn't aware James Bond movies actually had a legitimate plot, so I'm glad we've got that out of the way. 

The film starts off with the epic first-time-ever Bond walk, turn and...shoot the audience! And then...a bunch of multicolored sillouhettes dancing to Congo music lead by a very literal interpretation of Three Blind Mice? Alright, doesn't really jive, but I'll run with it. After all, what's more amusing then three blind black guys ambling through the--Oh my god, they just killed Kenny shot a posh man! Aaand we're on. Probably one of the few Bond movies to start without 007 leaping into action at the very last second and killing everyone in sight. 

In fact, the first time we see Bond, he's beating some hot lady out of all of her money due one "lucky hand" after another. And the second he says his name, it's like everyone knows this iconic moment will go down in cinematic history. The Bond theme goes on, he's got that suave smirk planted on his lips, and says, simply: "Bond, James Bond." On with the show.

Setting the standards of Bond Girl Glory. 

James Bond: One of the great things about Sean Connery as Bond in Dr. No is that he's...quite a legitimate spy. I know, he doesn't have Q in this movie, and for that we all cry tears of sadness, however, in place of his wacky gadgets, he actually uses his brain. Imagine! He has all these nifty little tricks, like sticking a piece of his hair horizontal over the center of a door, so he'll know if it's been open. Small little things that remind us that he's in this business for reason, rather than just being an ape with a bunch of toys that make that BOOM sound. The few gadgets he does have, he forms an actually attachment to rather than throwing them around and breaking them for the fun of it. He has a pretty lengthy conversation in the beginning with M. in which he does his best to keep his Beretta close to him, despite his bosses command to lose the pussy gun.

Characters: Lois Maxwell took on the role of Miss Moneypenny for 14 of the Bond films, which has to be some sort of record. I think it's safe to say she brought Miss Moneypenny up from nothing and defined her into the iconic figure she is today, batting her eyelashes and swooning in Bond's presence. However, unlike some of the later Moneypenny's, Lois Maxwell has the endearing quality of being able to keep her shit together. She enjoys swooning over Bond, sure, but she's not going to melt in a puddle on the floor right away, she is also able to match his quips in a witty enough manner that he seems to quite enjoy playing these games just as much as she does. Which gives her characters slightly more dignity than most of the other actresses give her (I'm looking at you, embarrassing virtual reality scene in Die Another Day).

Let's face it. Felix Leiter is kind of a ponce. We have a different Leiter almost every movie, none of them seem to last very long. David Hedison made it into both Live And Let Die (1973) and Licence To Kill (1989), and now Jeffery Wright has finally sunken his hooks into the recent films. But as for Dr. No, all Leiter really does is strut around in his tan suit and act a little too sickeningly suave. C'mon, Leiter. Come out of the closet time.

Bond girls: Hot woman Bond got to play cards with and subsequently sleep with. Check. White woman/woman of Asian decent who was also a henchwoman. Relatively hot, even though she looked a little confused about where her home country might be. Then, there's Honey Ryder herself. She's blonde, she's stupid, she has a couple gems of "local knowledge" which are supposed to make her useful to the plot. But really, she's just there to...well. Sing and pick shells wearing nothing but a bikini.

Sean Connery and Ursula Andress on the set.

Villains: We had a couple weak henchmen to start off with. First there was "the man from the car service" who I actually kind of appreciated in that "he's not really a henchman, he's just some terrified dude Bond gets to beat up" type of way. Plus, he has a cyanide cigarette, which was kind of awesome. Then we had Dr. Dent, who didn't really do anything but continually fuck up. The only good thing about him, really, was the fact that he got to sweat in an interrogation room and as he told Dr. No what a loser he was. But Dr. No...for the few minutes he is in the movie, is actually rather badass. Played by the stoney Joseph Wiseman, who is merciless, calculating, and...handless? Yes, he has insane machine hands that can crush just about anything. Now we're talking.

Most badass moment: The slightly fucktarded dragon tank? I'm really not sure. Holy fuck. I take it back. The "decontamination" of Honey Ryder, which is just an excuse to get both her and Bond to strip and shower. Yes. It is good.

Most ridiculous moment: Bond can kill enemies with a single shot, but it takes him at least four smacks of his shoe to kill a spider. Only tied with the fact that, while in Dr. No's custody, James Bond takes measures to warn Honey Ryder about the fact that the room would probably be bugged for sound, but doesn't think that the tea could be...you know. Drugged. Way to go.

Quotes: The humorous one-liners aren't really what Dr. No is about. After all, this is the first James Bond movie, and he hasn't quite made enough of a name for himself to actually be campy yet. Bond takes himself rather seriously as he cooly collects evidence and dispatches the villains. Nonetheless, there were still a few snippy Bond remarks here and there, and here are a couple of my favorites:

Miss Moneypenny: "You've never taken me to dinner looking like this. You've never taken me to dinner."
Bond: "I would, you know. Only M. would have me court-martialed for...illegal use of government property."
Miss Moneypenny: "Flattery will get you nowhere--but don't stop trying."

Bond: "I hope he cooks better than he fights."
Puss Feller: "Well, no one died from my cooking...yet."

Miss Taro: "I'll just go put some clothes on."
Bond: "Oh, don't go through any trouble on my account."

Bond: "That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six."

Honey Ryder: "Are you looking for shells too?"

Bond: "No, I'm just looking."