Don't Mistake My Appetite For Apathy!

THOR (2011)

Powerful. Epic. Alcoholic.

In antici....pation for the badfuckingass Avengers (2012) movie coming out, directed by the man I'd go intellectually straight for, Joss Whedon, I've decided to do a little catching up. To be honest, I was generally doing my best to avoid ever having to see Thor (2011). I'm not a huge comic book geek--I'll sell out to see the movies, but that's about as far as I go. And usually, I do dig on comic book movies--but generally stay to the grittier side of things (Frank Miller, I'm looking at you). So as much as I am a 12 year old boy from time to time, I couldn't leave a trail of candy tempting enough to get the kid in me to shell out the big bucks for this one. With that said, I did shell out the small bucks to rent it...and was glad that I did.

God of Thunder meets House of Pancakes.

This movie's saving grace really lies in its great sense of humor. Here's what I expected: a candy cane flavored bucket of made-for-3D action figures come to life. Here's what I got: a movie that didn't take itself too seriously and had a hell of a lot of fun being itself. I mean, really. How do you portray someone like THOR, who speaks in all caps and demands a stage worthy of his all powerful Godly presence? Well, you strip him of his powers, throw him down in the middle of bumfuck America, and watch him stumble around like a self-important drunkard. Instead of trying to compete for the spotlight with Iron Man and Captain America, Thor made the very wise choice to be the comedy relief of the bunch. The movie is littered with moments of brilliant, hilarious script writing, and I found myself literally laughing out loud as Thor demanded a dog, cat, or bird "big enough to ride" out of the pet store.

On the topic of the God himself, a moment for Chris Hemsworth. Alright, so Thor wasn't exactly a huge departure from his last big role of Kirk in Star Trek (2009). Still, he was somehow totally unrecognizable (must be the facial hair), and there wasn't a second that I didn't believe he was a giant, self important Norse God. He owned the role of Thor, and added a level of humor and humanity to the character that sold me. Onto the rest of the Thor family. I did not recognize Anthony Hopkins. Maybe I'm getting old, or he is. Either way, it wasn't until the credits started rolling did I actually recognize my friend Hannibal. So he spent most of the movie in a Odincoma, but hey. He was larger than life and just as badass when he was on his feet. Thor's evil little brother, Loki, was brilliant. Helmed by Tom Hiddleston, the man did killer job. As someone not familiar with the comics, I was pleased with the neat little twist in the simple fact that Loki...wasn't really a bad guy. At least, not in the beginning anyway. At the start of the movie you're going "Well, shit. Thor's off his fucking rocker, give the throne to Loki, he's the only sensible one in the bunch". And he's got that innocent face, that gentle expression...that is, until he turns into a maniacal little bastard. In short, I'm stoked to see him kick ass in Avengers.

Guarding gay bridges and taking names.

Outside the Thor family, we have some more great actors. I've already got a massive love affair with Idris Elba thanks to the work he's done with Guy Ritchie, and so I was overjoyed to see him kick ass as Heimdall, the gatekeeper. Seriously. He was the most badass part of the movie. Dude was so cool as the stoic, powerful, and justice-abiding Heimdall, I'd trust him with the gate of the universe any day of the week. Thor's band of merry warrior friends were also great--I don't know if it was the acting or the script, but you really got the sense that they would all live and die for each other. And I'm more or less just salivating over Sif, played by the beautiful Jaimie Alexander. Now that's a badass warrior woman. She had no love interest, just intense bromances, and a warrior's heart. Badfuckingass. For a super hero movie, I've got to give this one props for the way it treats its woman folk. Even Thor's love interest, Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), does a lot of standing on her own two feet. So, yes, she is a bit Mary Suey from time to time. But she does have her research that she cares about more than anything, and that has to count for something, right? I'll also note here that Natalie Portman stuck out like a sore thumb from time to time. I love the woman to pieces, and she did a great job. But that's just it. After winning the academy award for best actress, it's a little hard not to do a double-take when you see her in a super hero movie. Not to...diss super hero movies. But you know what I mean. Pressing on...

Now for the downside. The plot was too twisted. I didn't really get it. Something about...Frost Giants...rainbow bridges...you had to read the comic to understand, apparently. By the time the third act came around, I was more or less completely lost. But the thing was, that didn't really matter. You got the references or you didn't, Thor didn't really bother so much trying to put all their eggs in the plot basket. So they did something I actually have to give them respect for--they said "fuck this shit with the plot, the only ones who really care about plot are the comic book geeks who've seen it already. Instead, let's just build strong characters and a strong script". Which is really more than you can ask for in a superhero movie. All in all, more or less all over the place narrative-wise, but a fun as hell movie and good for a few unexpected laughs.

Did I mention she's badass?

Kicking Children And Taking Names.

KICK-ASS (2010) 

Image from www.filmofilia.com.

Meanwhile, the wind howls outside and rips through trees, Irene ragging and raging. Shackled down behind boarded up windows and doors, OUR HERO dismally awaits the power outage as the lights flicker on and off. Absent fingers wrap around the first movie from a pile of five, determined not to take any chances at boredom for the next couple days. She presses the shimmering disc into the player and makes herself at home on the couch in the dark as the screen hums to life. The music plays, the awkward monologues running, the characters shaking the dust of their shoulders and coming to life. And--

SHE BEGINS TO BELIEVE IN MOVIES AGAIN!

Such was my experience of belatedly finally getting around to Kick-Ass (2010). The thing about Kick-Ass (2010) is its the first movie I've seen in a while that actually knows its audience. If you're going to make a superhero movie, who likes superheros? Nerds. Great, throw in a nerd as the main character. And what do comic books have copious amounts of? Cartoon violence. Throw a shit ton of that in there. Who likes violence? The mafia. Great, give our villain roots in the mafia. And you're good to fucking go.

Granted, this movie got a hell of a lot of help from the fact that it was based of a comic book. Still, what I give this movie the most credit for was the fact that it didn't shy away from anything. We had 11-year old assassins, who literally had a thirst for blood. No toning that down. This isn't Spy Kids, after all (still love you, Rodriguez). Not only that, but the stakes are high. It plays with a comic book lightness, but there's heavy weights on each of these character's shoulders. As Nicolas Cage's character, the assassin father figure says, they've "turned it into a game". Behind the shiny costumes and the quick one-liners, we've got betrayal, death, vengeance. This could've turned into Boondock Saints (1999) if they weren't careful. On top of that all, these kids get into some serious fucking trouble. These aren't sandbox sports. They get threatened, tortured, and beaten to all hell. And yes. Mark Strong roundhouse kicks a 11 year old girl in the face and I suddenly love him even more. Whatever that says about me.

Aaron Johnson was an entirely believable scrawny little nerd boy. I've been there and done that, and he nailed it in ways Michael Cera and even that-kid-from-Zombieland (sorry, is everyone calling him that-kid-from-The-Social-Network these days? Tallahassee will beat your ass any day of the week), haven't been able to do. Still, he was probably one of my least favorite parts in the story, especially by time we got around to the second half. Don't get me wrong, he was a necessary vessel to carry the story, but I didn't really give much of a crap about his journey. Especially his half-assed romance. What, no tits? I don't think the movie particularly suffered because of it, but I could still have done without the little love story, refreshingly unconventional though it was.

As for the other actors, I could find fault with no one. Mark Strong was amazing, but he always is. Even if his British weaved in and out of his accent at the start, he nailed the role anyway, playing the perfect tough-guy take-no-prisoners gangster. Cool forehead scar and everything. I could literally watch that scene where he riles himself up enough to get back on the powder about a million times in a row (aka: "Mommy? I want a Kick-Ass party. Dumb little fucks."). And even though they only had one real scene together, his chemistry with Chloe Moretz was off the hook. But it might've just had something to do with the fact that they were the two most badass characters in the entire film, and the reel sizzled a little when it tried to fit them both in it.

Don't mess with Hit-Girl.

There is nothing I don't love about that little girl. She could handle her weapon, didn't shy away from the sight of blood, and had a daddy-sized chip on her shoulder. She has the same makings that most every other badass action hero has (from The Bride to El Mariachi), only she's an 11 year old girl, which just makes her that much more awesome. I regained my respect for Nicolas Cage as he played her weasely Sorter-esque hitman father. Nothing can really redeem him for making me pay money for Ghost Rider, but he's getting there. Lastly, Alex de Large made an appearance, I'm thinking he must've been hot on the scent of blood.

In short? I don't know why it took a damn hurricane to get me to see this movie. The characters were badass, the untamed violence was perfect, and the story was tight. Plus, with Mark Strong, Dexter Fletcher, and Jason Flemyng, I'm feeling a Guy Ritchie reunion coming on. Oh, and did I mention there's a fucking bazooka? Thank fuck for Irene.

Kato And That Dude Who Makes Fart Jokes.

THE GREEN HORNET (2011)

Christoph Waltz does not approve. 

...Is more or less what the movie should've been called. If you're like me and went to this movie because you know nothing about the actually radio show/comic book The Green Hornet but you just wanted to see Christoph Waltz blow shit up, I'll give you the quick and dirty of it. Britt Reid (Seth Rogen) has major daddy issues (hey, at least he got it better than this guy. What is it with Tom Wilkinson and bad parenting?), which is fine until his old man kicks the bucket. So he goes putzing around for a bit, wishing he could do something useful with his life, when he comes across his dad's coffee maker mechanic, Kato. The two form a bond over being losers and decide to take control of their lives and become superheros--thus forming the identity of The Green Hornet and...Kato. Meanwhile, Britt Reid has to come to terms with inheriting his father's newspaper company and the responsibility that comes with it, while offing the bad guys in order to get to the king pin--Chudnofsky. 

Image from alanbobet.blogspot.com

My problem with the movie broils down to this. Chudnofsky, Christoph Waltz's character, carries around a two barreled gun. In theory, a two barreled gun is a good idea. You give it one squeeze of the trigger, and bam. Two opponents down in one blow. Great, right? Well, kinda. Except I'm thinking, you get behind that gun, where's your sight? Do you look down one barrel, aim, and hope the second bullet hits? Or do you aim for somewhere directly in between the targets and pray your bullet makes it there? What I'm trying to say is, simultaneously firing at two targets with one shot is a tricky task, and I'm sure with Seth Rogen's comedic gold on the left and the high action film budget on the right, the directors thought they'd hit both the action junkies and the collegehumor crowd in one blow. Weeell...not quite. 

It was a noble effort. I will say that. I don't think it's a crime to mix the action super hero addicts and the couch potato stoners. Just ask any superhero movie made in the 80s and 90s. Batman And Robin (1997)? Even Ghostbusters (1984) had a similar campy edge, even if they weren't superheros per se. Frankly, I think between Christian Bale's growly angst, Spiderman's "dark side", and now even Blondie Thor furrowing his brow in serious contemplation, it's about time we lifted the superhero genre with a much needed stop taking yourself so seriously injection. Give us something campy, something ridiculous! And, finally, The Green Hornet answered that call.

But the next step is actually pulling the comedic superhero action movie off, and there I think The Green Hornet came up short. This isn't to say I was stonefaced throughout the entire movie. It did pull some laughs--mainly from the banter between Britt Reid and Kato. Their petty, competitive little digs were nicely done, especially during their tiff about the Green Hornet gun. Seth Rogen's payback for shooting himself in the face was nicely done. But otherwise, the comedy just felt forced and out of place. And I'm still scratching my head as to why. I loved Pineapple Express (2008), written and directed by the same Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. And Pineapple Express was a great example of a comedy-action movie that also happened to be a stoner movie, and came out perfectly on all fronts.

Image from schmoozequeentv.blogspot.com

The only way I can come to terms with the non-grooviness of The Green Hornet is the fact that...well. It wasn't a ridiculous stoner movie. It was a high budget action film with some larger than life action scenes and some badass Kato karate. But most of all, it was a superhero film, and with a superhero film, there are certain things you want to feel: fear of the bad guy, the badassitry of the good guys, and the overall sense of justice being served. And I felt none of the above. The Green Hornet was a crybaby loser, Cudnofsky (who I'll get to in a second) wasn't taken seriously by anyone, and I definitely felt no justice being served. Except for the first fight right after he's severed the head of his father's statue. Besides that...they were basically killing a lot of people who didn't need to die? They were killing small time crooks who may have never killed anyone. Not rending them unconscious, not handing them to the cops, killing them. And they did the same with...just about everyone else. Which didn't make them seem like the villains. It made them the villains. Even the ways in which they put down the real villains of the movie seemed a little cruel and unnecessary. Having a hero movie where justice doesn't feel...justified...is like having a Samuel L. Jackson movie in which his only part is to read The Little Engine That Could to retarded kids. It just plain doesn't work.

Welcome to Hollywood, land of bad career choices.

Enough of that. On to the acting. Seth Rogen was Seth Rogen, love him or hate him. I happen to just like the fact that a normal looking big-boned fella can now act in roles such as playboy. I think Hollywood's starting to come a long way with its "hunky men" stereotype--believe it or not, girls like a guy for his personality. Now if only I could say the same about Hollywood's women. On the flip side, we have Cameron Diaz, or Lenore Case. I will give Lenore props in that she only dates the sidekick once and doesn't go all the way with either of the men in the movie. Nor does she seem interested in them. Good for her! But if you're going to make a woman "the brainiac" and want her to be a strong character, it'd be a good thing to, somewhere along writing the script, actually insert a personality. I understand that Seth Rogen is better with the bromance and not so much with the writing strong chicks, but someone give him a hand here.

And then there's Kato, played by Jay Chou. Me, being the non-comic book reading freak I am, immediately went to Cato, who just happened to be inspired by the Green Lantern's sidekick. Who knew? First, I'm going to say that the Kato in the trailers was way more badass than the Kato on screen (seriously, am I crazy, or was the plot in the trailers an entirely different movie?). With that, he was a really awesome character. Even if he got pushed around way more than he deserved. And, honestly, I didn't see any sparks flying with him and Britt Reid. The bromance wasn't really doing it for me. Mostly because Britt Reid was a major dick, and Kato deserved much better. His marshal arts were the bomb, his technology work was amazing, in fact, by the end of it I was kind of hoping he'd get the girl because at least then he'd be getting something out of this very one sided relationship.

Of course, I've saved the best for last. As you may or may not know, I was practically salivating when I learned Christoph Waltz was to be the villain in a superhero movie. Christoph Waltz + guns + over the top action? Sign me up. After all, he's the ultimate villain, how could they go wrong, right? What I did not except was the most inappropriate casting choice of all time. How do you cast Christoph Waltz as the pathetic and desperate for attention Chudnofsky/Bloodnofsky? I'll repeat myself: how do you cast the most charming and subtly frightening villain in recent years as the non-threatening, non-charismatic, washed up hasbeen? The logic just does NOT compute to me. With that said, I will add that Christoph Waltz, being, you know, the genius that he is, does pull his own weight to make the character believable. The man's a professional actors, and as painful as it is to watch him turn off the charm, he does it well. And what Waltz adds to the character is an amazing--and yes, frightening! For the love of god, you have an intimating character, play it up!--lack of compassion and complete and utter apathy towards human life. In fact, he quite enjoys killing, and he'll do it just to lighten his mood, thankyouverymuch.

Image from www.eatsleepgeek.com

To bring this to a close, the movie had a heck of a lot of potential, and I feel like most of it went down the drain. But I will give it this: it was a fun movie, it has laughs, it has decent action, you won't feel like shooting yourself in the foot after seeing it. Just don't expect an Academy Award on this one.

...One last thing. I will say this. For the gear heads out there? I may not know one car from the other, but I am aware that this film was packed with many sexy sports cars. About that big budget? 

TRAILER: The Green Hornet.

TRAILER: The Green Hornet

Alright. So here's the thing. I know little to nothing about the Green Hornet. Didn't read the comic books, didn't watch the series, didn't even wiki the man when I saw the movie was coming out. Like I said, little to nothing. Which I actually consider a privilege because it means I'm probably going to be the only one enjoying this movie while all the Green Hornet fans cry tears of rage as Seth Rogen's ridiculous chuckle sucks their souls out of their bodies. Even I, knowing nothing about said Green Hornet, was stumped by the casting of Seth Rogen as a superhero. Frankly, I like the guy. I do. I think he's funny in a Pineapple Express kind of way. And I know I'm not going to take him seriously at all during this movie. But I don't think the movie begs to be taken seriously. In fact, I think it looks like a hell of a lot of fun. And I'm more amused than anything that an wholly average looking guy such as Seth Rogen is cast as some bad-boy lady killer. Like, what? Really? Hey, props to Hollywood. It's about time Brad Pitt stopped getting tail and the normal looking people actually started getting some of the action. I also love Tom Wilkinson (even though it looks like he's only going to be in the movie for a depressingly short period of time--why?? Don't they know how fucking badass he is? Haven't they seen Rocknrolla?), and Jay Chou as Kato looks like he's going to be extremely amusing. 

Nonetheless, I didn't write this post for Seth Rogen, Wilkinson, or Chou. Hell, I didn't write it for The Green Hornet. I wrote it for Christoph Waltz, everyone's favorite Nazi, and the fact that every 2 seconds he was on screen in that commercial I wet myself a little more. He's BADFUCKINGASS. In everything he does. Seriously. I couldn't get enough of Christoph Waltz if I tried. Thank you, Tarantino, for bringing this man to America! Yes, Hollywood kills, and Christoph Waltz, my dear friend, in a couple years I'm afraid they'll condescend your acting skills and bill you alongside Cameron Diaz in some--oh, wait. Cameron Diaz is in this movie? Yikes. Sorry bro. The point is...Christoph Waltz. If you look up Badass in the dictionary, I do not doubt that you will find his face. 

On another note, the action looks really fucking cool. Really. I'm psyched for the action sequences in this movie. It's about time we had something that was pure, unapologetic fun. And, with that, here's the Christoph Waltz. I mean, here's the trailer: