Fight Club Rule #4:

4. Your 3-D special effects will not save your lazy ass crap script. That's a trick you can only pull out of the hat once, and Avatar (2009) ate that rabbit.

Kato And That Dude Who Makes Fart Jokes.

THE GREEN HORNET (2011)

Christoph Waltz does not approve. 

...Is more or less what the movie should've been called. If you're like me and went to this movie because you know nothing about the actually radio show/comic book The Green Hornet but you just wanted to see Christoph Waltz blow shit up, I'll give you the quick and dirty of it. Britt Reid (Seth Rogen) has major daddy issues (hey, at least he got it better than this guy. What is it with Tom Wilkinson and bad parenting?), which is fine until his old man kicks the bucket. So he goes putzing around for a bit, wishing he could do something useful with his life, when he comes across his dad's coffee maker mechanic, Kato. The two form a bond over being losers and decide to take control of their lives and become superheros--thus forming the identity of The Green Hornet and...Kato. Meanwhile, Britt Reid has to come to terms with inheriting his father's newspaper company and the responsibility that comes with it, while offing the bad guys in order to get to the king pin--Chudnofsky. 

Image from alanbobet.blogspot.com

My problem with the movie broils down to this. Chudnofsky, Christoph Waltz's character, carries around a two barreled gun. In theory, a two barreled gun is a good idea. You give it one squeeze of the trigger, and bam. Two opponents down in one blow. Great, right? Well, kinda. Except I'm thinking, you get behind that gun, where's your sight? Do you look down one barrel, aim, and hope the second bullet hits? Or do you aim for somewhere directly in between the targets and pray your bullet makes it there? What I'm trying to say is, simultaneously firing at two targets with one shot is a tricky task, and I'm sure with Seth Rogen's comedic gold on the left and the high action film budget on the right, the directors thought they'd hit both the action junkies and the collegehumor crowd in one blow. Weeell...not quite. 

It was a noble effort. I will say that. I don't think it's a crime to mix the action super hero addicts and the couch potato stoners. Just ask any superhero movie made in the 80s and 90s. Batman And Robin (1997)? Even Ghostbusters (1984) had a similar campy edge, even if they weren't superheros per se. Frankly, I think between Christian Bale's growly angst, Spiderman's "dark side", and now even Blondie Thor furrowing his brow in serious contemplation, it's about time we lifted the superhero genre with a much needed stop taking yourself so seriously injection. Give us something campy, something ridiculous! And, finally, The Green Hornet answered that call.

But the next step is actually pulling the comedic superhero action movie off, and there I think The Green Hornet came up short. This isn't to say I was stonefaced throughout the entire movie. It did pull some laughs--mainly from the banter between Britt Reid and Kato. Their petty, competitive little digs were nicely done, especially during their tiff about the Green Hornet gun. Seth Rogen's payback for shooting himself in the face was nicely done. But otherwise, the comedy just felt forced and out of place. And I'm still scratching my head as to why. I loved Pineapple Express (2008), written and directed by the same Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. And Pineapple Express was a great example of a comedy-action movie that also happened to be a stoner movie, and came out perfectly on all fronts.

Image from schmoozequeentv.blogspot.com

The only way I can come to terms with the non-grooviness of The Green Hornet is the fact that...well. It wasn't a ridiculous stoner movie. It was a high budget action film with some larger than life action scenes and some badass Kato karate. But most of all, it was a superhero film, and with a superhero film, there are certain things you want to feel: fear of the bad guy, the badassitry of the good guys, and the overall sense of justice being served. And I felt none of the above. The Green Hornet was a crybaby loser, Cudnofsky (who I'll get to in a second) wasn't taken seriously by anyone, and I definitely felt no justice being served. Except for the first fight right after he's severed the head of his father's statue. Besides that...they were basically killing a lot of people who didn't need to die? They were killing small time crooks who may have never killed anyone. Not rending them unconscious, not handing them to the cops, killing them. And they did the same with...just about everyone else. Which didn't make them seem like the villains. It made them the villains. Even the ways in which they put down the real villains of the movie seemed a little cruel and unnecessary. Having a hero movie where justice doesn't feel...justified...is like having a Samuel L. Jackson movie in which his only part is to read The Little Engine That Could to retarded kids. It just plain doesn't work.

Welcome to Hollywood, land of bad career choices.

Enough of that. On to the acting. Seth Rogen was Seth Rogen, love him or hate him. I happen to just like the fact that a normal looking big-boned fella can now act in roles such as playboy. I think Hollywood's starting to come a long way with its "hunky men" stereotype--believe it or not, girls like a guy for his personality. Now if only I could say the same about Hollywood's women. On the flip side, we have Cameron Diaz, or Lenore Case. I will give Lenore props in that she only dates the sidekick once and doesn't go all the way with either of the men in the movie. Nor does she seem interested in them. Good for her! But if you're going to make a woman "the brainiac" and want her to be a strong character, it'd be a good thing to, somewhere along writing the script, actually insert a personality. I understand that Seth Rogen is better with the bromance and not so much with the writing strong chicks, but someone give him a hand here.

And then there's Kato, played by Jay Chou. Me, being the non-comic book reading freak I am, immediately went to Cato, who just happened to be inspired by the Green Lantern's sidekick. Who knew? First, I'm going to say that the Kato in the trailers was way more badass than the Kato on screen (seriously, am I crazy, or was the plot in the trailers an entirely different movie?). With that, he was a really awesome character. Even if he got pushed around way more than he deserved. And, honestly, I didn't see any sparks flying with him and Britt Reid. The bromance wasn't really doing it for me. Mostly because Britt Reid was a major dick, and Kato deserved much better. His marshal arts were the bomb, his technology work was amazing, in fact, by the end of it I was kind of hoping he'd get the girl because at least then he'd be getting something out of this very one sided relationship.

Of course, I've saved the best for last. As you may or may not know, I was practically salivating when I learned Christoph Waltz was to be the villain in a superhero movie. Christoph Waltz + guns + over the top action? Sign me up. After all, he's the ultimate villain, how could they go wrong, right? What I did not except was the most inappropriate casting choice of all time. How do you cast Christoph Waltz as the pathetic and desperate for attention Chudnofsky/Bloodnofsky? I'll repeat myself: how do you cast the most charming and subtly frightening villain in recent years as the non-threatening, non-charismatic, washed up hasbeen? The logic just does NOT compute to me. With that said, I will add that Christoph Waltz, being, you know, the genius that he is, does pull his own weight to make the character believable. The man's a professional actors, and as painful as it is to watch him turn off the charm, he does it well. And what Waltz adds to the character is an amazing--and yes, frightening! For the love of god, you have an intimating character, play it up!--lack of compassion and complete and utter apathy towards human life. In fact, he quite enjoys killing, and he'll do it just to lighten his mood, thankyouverymuch.

Image from www.eatsleepgeek.com

To bring this to a close, the movie had a heck of a lot of potential, and I feel like most of it went down the drain. But I will give it this: it was a fun movie, it has laughs, it has decent action, you won't feel like shooting yourself in the foot after seeing it. Just don't expect an Academy Award on this one.

...One last thing. I will say this. For the gear heads out there? I may not know one car from the other, but I am aware that this film was packed with many sexy sports cars. About that big budget? 

Upcoming Attractions For 2011.

UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS

I know. I almost cried when 2010 was over too. But there is hope! 2011 is officially here, folks, and it looks like it's going to be a good year for conspiracy theories, CIA plots, and lots, and lots of little green men from outer-space. Prepare to get spacey. I give you the trailers worth watching of 2011, in order of release date. The ones I'm head-over-heels in love with already and will definitely see no matter what have (*) symbols in front of them.

*The Green Hornet. (Jan 14th) I've basically ranted my head off about this movie already. There's nothing more to say except: I will most probably see everything that comes out this year with Christoph Waltz in it. That is all.

The Mechanic. (Jan 28th) So I won't actually be waiting in the rain for days for this one. But a hitman revenge story is always a good thing. Double points if it has Jason Statham in it.

The Rite. (Jan 28th) Because who doesn't love a good devil-meets-girl movie? Especially when fucking Anthony Hopkins is in it. He'll eat your soul with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Unknown. (Feb 18th) Very The Fugitive. So glad Liam Neeson is getting roles as the badass he is. I've loved him as an action movie actor ever since Hannibal, and I'm glad he's actually getting paid just to be his awesome self.

*Drive Angry. (Feb 25th) I cannot even begin to express how fucking excited I am for this movie. The Grindhouse style voice over in the fucking trailer, the clever and yet ridiculous dialogue, the campy characters, the comedic yet intimidating bad guy, Nic Cage being a BAMF...I think my ovaries just exploded all over the place. "What's he gonna do...not let me back in?" I need this. In my life. Now.

The Adjustment Bureau. (March 4th) So Matt Damon isn't my favorite person ever, but this looks like it has the potential to be interesting. Inception meets The Matrix meets...I don't know what? If I run out of things to see, this looks like it wouldn't be a complete waste of time.

*Battle: Los Angeles. (March 11th) Definitely wins freakiest fucking trailer so far. Apparently, tis the year for aliens. But really. The music. I'm simultaneously scared for my life and hot for Michelle Rodriguez.

*Sucker Punch. (March 25th) I'm not going to lie, it took me a moment to warm up to this one. I mean, Vanessa Hudgens, Emily Browning? Aren't these teenybopper kids? But...I can't deny it, it looks badass. And, as my girlfriend pointed out, it would be good for them to be able to shed the teenybopper status and actually show that girls can really be cool without worrying about looking like real life Barbie Dolls. It's about time young girls got some real rolemodels.

Source Code. (April 15th) Ah, my favorite gay cowboy. And it just so happens that I love Michelle Monaghan, who I don't think many people are very familiar with but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang anyone? It's an interesting concept, let's see if it pans out.

Fast Five. (June 10th) I don't want to want this. I really, really don't. The first Fast And Furious movie was fun for what it was. But after that they went to shit and I just stopped paying attention. Well. This movie had the balls to catch my attention. Crap.

*Cowboys and Aliens. (July 29th) Another one I've been wetting myself like a baby over. I don't really know what to say about it except that it kills me. Every time. I'm blow away the the sheer awesomeness of it. 

Fair Game. (Nov 5th) They're really milking this one, releasing the trailer almost a year in advance [edit: I am a fucking retard, this movie game out Nov 5th...2010. No wonder! Scratch this one off your to-see list, but maybe add to the to-rent list?]. It's one of those political scam movies, which I'm not a big fan of. I had a hard time even giving Bourne Identity a chance, which I know makes me a bad action movie lover. But I do like Sean Penn? I might find a reason to see this movie eventually.

Alright. So there's a lot of conspiracy theory/aliens/alternate reality mumbojumbo this year. But you know what? I'm not complaining. It looks pretty fucking awesome. And I'm sure come summer we'll get a slew of good old fashioned kick-in-the-teeth nail-gun-to-the-head actions movies with bang and breasts. And I can't fucking wait.

TRAILER: The Green Hornet.

TRAILER: The Green Hornet

Alright. So here's the thing. I know little to nothing about the Green Hornet. Didn't read the comic books, didn't watch the series, didn't even wiki the man when I saw the movie was coming out. Like I said, little to nothing. Which I actually consider a privilege because it means I'm probably going to be the only one enjoying this movie while all the Green Hornet fans cry tears of rage as Seth Rogen's ridiculous chuckle sucks their souls out of their bodies. Even I, knowing nothing about said Green Hornet, was stumped by the casting of Seth Rogen as a superhero. Frankly, I like the guy. I do. I think he's funny in a Pineapple Express kind of way. And I know I'm not going to take him seriously at all during this movie. But I don't think the movie begs to be taken seriously. In fact, I think it looks like a hell of a lot of fun. And I'm more amused than anything that an wholly average looking guy such as Seth Rogen is cast as some bad-boy lady killer. Like, what? Really? Hey, props to Hollywood. It's about time Brad Pitt stopped getting tail and the normal looking people actually started getting some of the action. I also love Tom Wilkinson (even though it looks like he's only going to be in the movie for a depressingly short period of time--why?? Don't they know how fucking badass he is? Haven't they seen Rocknrolla?), and Jay Chou as Kato looks like he's going to be extremely amusing. 

Nonetheless, I didn't write this post for Seth Rogen, Wilkinson, or Chou. Hell, I didn't write it for The Green Hornet. I wrote it for Christoph Waltz, everyone's favorite Nazi, and the fact that every 2 seconds he was on screen in that commercial I wet myself a little more. He's BADFUCKINGASS. In everything he does. Seriously. I couldn't get enough of Christoph Waltz if I tried. Thank you, Tarantino, for bringing this man to America! Yes, Hollywood kills, and Christoph Waltz, my dear friend, in a couple years I'm afraid they'll condescend your acting skills and bill you alongside Cameron Diaz in some--oh, wait. Cameron Diaz is in this movie? Yikes. Sorry bro. The point is...Christoph Waltz. If you look up Badass in the dictionary, I do not doubt that you will find his face. 

On another note, the action looks really fucking cool. Really. I'm psyched for the action sequences in this movie. It's about time we had something that was pure, unapologetic fun. And, with that, here's the Christoph Waltz. I mean, here's the trailer: