2011 In Review.

2011: In Review

Image from stardusttrailers.com.

It's that time again. Time to wrap up the year with a bundle of theater tickets and see which $12.50 I regretted spending the most. I've got to say, where last year felt mostly like a very steep roller coaster with some movies reaching high portions of epicness while others threw me under the bus, 2011 was a bit of a relief. Despite most of the crap 3D churned out, overall I'd say it was a pretty even keel year. Some good shit, some bad shit, end of story. Nothing that completely mindfucked me into oblivion, and I'd probably be hard pressed to call any of these movies "classics". Still, I feel like I got a lot of nice, feel good movies that I'll find myself watching over and over again in the years to come, which is really more than I could ask for. With that, drum roll please...

What's not to love?

BEST OF 2011:
*Hanna.
Best movie of 2011.
So Hanna now seems miles away, having come out at the very start of the year, but I've got to say, despite all the great films that popped up over the course of 2011, still nothing could top this. Great action, great music, great acting, great, simple plot. Great little girl badass. I'm sold. It's really fucking hard to do better than Saoirse Ronan kicking the shit out of everyone who stands in her way.

*X-Men: First Class.

Best gay sex of 2011.

It's like Brokeback Mountain. But with funny hats. Wait. Still like Brokeback Mountain. Anyway, by far one of the best X-Men films out there (if not the). A fucking great origins story, which is especially refreshing after Wolverine did some shit so nonsensical that even he didn't want to remember it. Fassbender (who seems to have stolen this year out from under everyone's nose) and McAvoy did a brilliant job with their characters and with their bromance. Best of all? The script was airtight. It was just good, clean fun. And very, very gay.

*Cowboys & Aliens.

Best cowboys of 2011.

Best aliens of 2011.

It was just a good movie. Straight up. Everything that it set out to do with a title like Cowboys & Aliens, it did. Somewhere along the line, someone figured out if you just give your movie an easy title like Hot Tub Time Machine, everyone knows what they're getting into and no one's disappointed. This was my Hot Tub Time Machine of the year. I got exactly what I wanted--Harrison Ford strutting atop his horse, aliens with terrifying stomach hands, and best of all, an excuse to dyke-it-out and wear chaps for Halloween.

Super 8.

Best anti-drug PSA of 2011.

Basically, it's the year of the kickass little people heroes. And no one does little people heroes quite like Steven Spielberg. I mean, J.J. Abrams. Sorry, who wrote this movie again? Tomatoes, tomahtoes. Either way, it was just a fun alien movie. Like Cowboys & Aliens but...you know. Nice aliens. I'll rephrase: nice aliens who don't share Olivia Wilde's brand of creepy face.

Warrior.

Best "I''m not crying, I've just got something in my eye" of 2011.

I've got a soft stop for Tom Hardy, I'm not gonna lie. And this movie just confirmed my instincts. If The Fighter hadn't sucked up everyone's interest in ring fighting for the next couple years, this one would've done it. It was rough and tumble, but with a good deal of heart. 

And by devil I mean her legs.

Drive.

Best hammer of 2011.

Here's the thing. I wasn't half as crazy about Drive as most people were. I don't think it's particularly the movie of the century. But movie of the year? Yeah, I can give it that. Might not top everything that is badass in Hanna, but it's a good, solid film. Ryan Gosling certainly gave Michael Fassbender a run for his money this year as one or the other seemed to show up in every movie poster. 

Drive Angry.

Best devil of 2011.

I need to write up a review for this movie. Need to, need to, need to. But let's face it. This movie would've been good if it had just been William Fichtner disappearing and reappearing in random places, spouting caustic one-liners and performing deeds of massive badassitry. Oh wait--that is what this movie is? I'M THERE! And Amber Heard is a lesbian. So really. Really. There is nothing for me NOT to like. 

Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
Best "that was fun, let's do it again!" of 2011.
Was it as good as the Swedish version? Maybe not. But it had a lot going for it--acting wise, direction wise, script wise. Overall, a solid, good movie on it's own. Too bad it has a equally pretty sister. But who said anything about choosing when you can have them both?

BLEH OF 2011:
Let's start with the positives. There were a couple good surprises this year, and I always approve of a little mindfuckery. The movies that really caught me off guard with their awesome included Red State, which just happened to be even more brilliant than it promised. Then there was Thor, also known as the best other hammer of the year. Maybe not a great superhero movie, but hell, it was a great comedy. Someone clearly just stacked it in the wrong shelf. And for the most surprising surprise yet, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes? Awesome. Who knew? Not me.

Draco Malfoy playing...Draco Malfoy.

Next up, those movies that were just...you know. Good. Worth the watch. Contagion was good in a sort of "this is a good movie but takes itself too seriously for me to watch more than once" kind of way. 30 Minutes Or Less appealed to both the audience member in me who likes to watch things blow up and enjoys Danny McBrides's crazy tomfoolery. Horrible Bosses was amusing in it's own way, and that way was namely referred to as Jason Bateman's comic timing. I think Captain America: The First Avenger was good, but I was also pretty stoned at the time so it's really hard to say. And Sherlock Holmes had even more gay sex that X-Men, which is saying a lot, so even though the plot was shoddy I forgave it for the bromance.

Lastly, there were the movies that...were just okay. Movies that had good spots and bad spots, but to me were...just fun movies. To every one else, they seemed to have polarizing effect--you loved it or you hated it. Me? Eh. It wasn't total shit, but it wasn't movie of the year either. Those two movies for me were The Hangover Pt II and Sucker Punch. Love it or leave it. I'll leave both, but won't regret seeing them either.

WORST OF 2011:
And now for the best part. The most fun you'll have out of the theaters all year...

This is how an acting career dies.

Priest.
Biggest dick slap in the face of 2011.
Sucked balls. Sucked major balls. I cannot even begin to tell you how many balls it sucked. Spoiler alert: lots of them.

The Green Hornet.
Greenest movie of 2011.
A superhero movie. With cool gadgets. And Christoph Waltz. Sounds promising, right? Well, that's what I thought too. Until I saw it. And it was like someone had taken a large, green, 3D crap on the screen. Yeah. Not so much fun.

Apollo 18.
Best comedy of 2011.
I'm going to own up to something. I snuck into this one, I caught the last half of it, and I'm fucking glad I didn't have to suffer through the first half. There was no bromance, nothing interesting about the two main characters, and no matter how many "legitimate" URLs you put at the end of your movie, I'm not going to believe moon rocks are out to get me.

MOVIES I JUST DIDN'T GIVE A CHANCE.

Yet another year goes by in which I failed my Pokemon Master and could not catch them all. Here's the list of all the movies I missed out on this year...any worth checking out? Any I should avoid like the bubonic plague? Let me know!

Movies I legitimately meant to see: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (I will see this one, just not before midnight). Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (ditto). Shame. The Rum Diary. The Mechanic. The Guard. The Debt.

Movies I kind of hoped to see: Dream House. Immortals. Fright Night. Killer Elite. Colombiana. Rampart. Fast Five. Tower Heist. The Adjustment Bureau. Unknown. Conan the Barbarian.

Movies I went out of my way not to see: In Time. Limitless. Source Code. The Three Musketeers. Battle: LA. Season Of The Witch. The Lincoln Lawyer. Transformers: Dark Of The Moon.

That's all, folks! Hope everyone celebrates the New Year with champagne, car chases, and couple well timed fruit cart explosions. See you next year!

COWBOYS AND MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS!

COWBOYS & ALIENS (2011)

Cowboys & Aliens, Bond & Jones, how can this go wrong? Answer: it can't.

In one of the more pivotal moments of the film (which I won't give away--midnight showing at all, I'm actually being responsibly spoil free tonight), the mysterious Olivia Wilde grabs the cold, battle-hardened Daniel Craig by the arm and tells him the only way he can defeat the aliens is if he shuts off his brain. And, in many ways, that's really the only way to go into this movie. With an empty brain ready for some action. I'm not trying to downplay the movie in the slightest--on the contrary, I consider it a compliment. It was the best mindless, exciting, and all-out-fucking fun adventure film I've seen in recent history. Say what you want about your Casablancas and Gone With The Winds, at the end of the day there is really nothing better than a good "bad movie". You know what I'm talking about. Paint-by-numbers character arcs, snappy one-liners, and excessive, explosion action. The difference between this and less thrilling bad "bad movies" like Priest? You don't feel stupid for having seen this movie. Maybe you don't come out learning any life lesson besides how to kill creepy ass aliens, but you don't leave the theater feeling like you just sat through two hours of the director talking smack about you and your mother. In fact, if you're like me, you come out gearing up to see it again. On to the movie. 

COWBOYS

Image from daemonsmovies.com

The best part about this movie? It's exactly what you expect it to be. A homage to two different genres--old westerns and alien horror movies. As for the old western bit, they really pulled out all the stops. We've got your typical lone wolf John Wayne-type hero, the lassie dog that stands by his side, the kid from True Grit, Tonto from The Lone Ranger, the sherif, the barman, the candlestick maker. Anyone and everyone you'd every expect from a cowboy movie they piled up into this film. 

And, sure, maybe some of it didn't pay off 100%. Maybe they could've done without the whole "getting stoned with the Indians" bit. But considering the fact that it was such a campy homage and clearly not taking itself too seriously, you couldn't help but just keep along for the ride. Overall, I think their crowning achievement in the way of westerns had to go to the fact that they were able to make a real hero out of Daniel Craig's Jake Lonergan. It's all in the ending, really, and they could've gone completely Hollywood with it and gave us the mass produced slop your average modern day audience is used to ingesting. No, instead, we get the clop of Jake's hoofs, and you get the satisfied feeling of a campy homage done right. 

ALIENS

Image from beyondhollywood.com

First thing's first: the aliens were fucking creepy! And I'm not talking "creepy for a bad movie" creepy. Not even "they popped up in random places and scared the crap out of me" creepy. I'm talking "genuine creature movie creature" creepy. The cowboys half might've been a bit on the campy side, but they took their aliens dead seriously. I don't know who designed those bastards, but their ugly stomach arms got under my skin. They were ferocious, merciless, beasts of doom and destruction. And it wasn't like there was one main character dead for every twenty aliens they killed--oh, no, these bitches were indestructible, and they flattened our cowboy compadres. They were ugly, they had an (incredibly well designed) imaginative home base, and they flew ships that might've made reavers blush. The weird fishing lines they use to catch humans? Yeah. These bitches mean business.

One of the best things about this movie, without a doubt, was the action. The fight scenes were fantastic--the battles against the aliens themselves weren't only visually stunning, but emotionally harrowing. I'm not sure whether to credit the script or the director on that one, but either way, you feel the claustrophobic panic of being in a warzone of creatures bigger, stronger, and better than you. Sure, they get away with the old "peek-a-boo" alien here and there, but the main tug of the action lies in the mounting tension of it all. And, just for a last note on the aliens, the flashback scenes of the spaceship? Holy fucking God. Now that is what I call a proper alien abduction. Sodomized Hillbilly Hank ain't got nothin' on these guys. 

THE HUMANS

I've died and gone to heaven.

It's really hard to go wrong in a movie were your two leading men just happen to also be Indiana Jones and James Bond. Daniel Craig owned his role as Jack Lonergan and created a great, modern cowboy hero from the dust of classics past. He's always been good at that cold, distant thing, and he pulled it off yet again. Not to mention, he's killer when it comes to action scenes. And I'm not just talking about giving it to someone--the way he looks when he pounds a guy's face in and you just know that sorry bastard isn't getting up again. But he takes it like a pro--when the invincible Jack Lonergan starts to eat dust, you can really feel the stakes kicked up a notch. 

Harrison Ford I'm not going to get into too much detail with because the trailer lead me to believe one thing about his character while his role in the movie itself ended up being a very pleasant surprise. All I'll say is he doesn't get enough diverse roles that he can really sink his teeth into, and I think it's about time we've given the man some respect for that. Sure, he doesn't have the young, charming looks he did some twenty years ago. But he's still got an extraordinary talent and, given the right role, he really runs away and shines with it. Here's to hoping Harrison Ford keeps trucking like the badass he is. And while I'm on the topic, he had brilliant chemistry with Daniel Craig. But maybe the action adventure lover in me was still just seeing stars with the whole Jones/Bond bit. I will say this much--I am very disappointed in Harrison Ford's hat for never having fallen off, only to get snatched up at the last second. It was not his hat's best role, and I expect better from it in the future. 

What's she doing? Stalking? Staring? What do you want??? Take my wallet!

Now for Olivia Wilde. By far, the weakest point of the entire film. Weaker than the hat. I could've done without every single one of her scenes and I would've been happy. Well. Alright. Up until the last ten minutes (after the conversation that started this review), I learned to appreciate her character. And that in itself should be proof of how badass this movie is. But for the other, you know, one hour and fifty minutes of the movie? Yeah. Maybe it was the character, maybe it was the actress, maybe it was the fact that I couldn't get over how strikingly inhuman she looks on a regular basis (am I the only one screaming cylon?). Whatever it was, she sucked giant horse balls. Moving along. 

The rest of the cast falls under a handful of honorable mentions. Paul Dano did a stellar job at the pathetic and proud rich little daddy's boy Percy Dolarhyde, and the only problem with his character was that I simply couldn't get enough of him. But then again, he more or less stole every shot he was in, so it was for the sake of the movie really that they kept his character to a minimum. Keith Carradine played an excellent sheriff and just imbibed the whole period aspect, as did Sam Rockwell. Adam Beach did the best with what his role afford him, which wasn't much more than a typical "token minority" role. And finally, I have to give a shout out to my boy David O'Hara, who was practically unrecognizable in this movie. For the life of me, I don't understand why he goes paycheck to paycheck on bit parts, the dude's a damn good actor. 

End summation? If you're the type of person where just title Cowboys & Aliens has you wetting yourself, go see this movie. End of story. 

Upcoming Attractions For 2011.

UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS

I know. I almost cried when 2010 was over too. But there is hope! 2011 is officially here, folks, and it looks like it's going to be a good year for conspiracy theories, CIA plots, and lots, and lots of little green men from outer-space. Prepare to get spacey. I give you the trailers worth watching of 2011, in order of release date. The ones I'm head-over-heels in love with already and will definitely see no matter what have (*) symbols in front of them.

*The Green Hornet. (Jan 14th) I've basically ranted my head off about this movie already. There's nothing more to say except: I will most probably see everything that comes out this year with Christoph Waltz in it. That is all.

The Mechanic. (Jan 28th) So I won't actually be waiting in the rain for days for this one. But a hitman revenge story is always a good thing. Double points if it has Jason Statham in it.

The Rite. (Jan 28th) Because who doesn't love a good devil-meets-girl movie? Especially when fucking Anthony Hopkins is in it. He'll eat your soul with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Unknown. (Feb 18th) Very The Fugitive. So glad Liam Neeson is getting roles as the badass he is. I've loved him as an action movie actor ever since Hannibal, and I'm glad he's actually getting paid just to be his awesome self.

*Drive Angry. (Feb 25th) I cannot even begin to express how fucking excited I am for this movie. The Grindhouse style voice over in the fucking trailer, the clever and yet ridiculous dialogue, the campy characters, the comedic yet intimidating bad guy, Nic Cage being a BAMF...I think my ovaries just exploded all over the place. "What's he gonna do...not let me back in?" I need this. In my life. Now.

The Adjustment Bureau. (March 4th) So Matt Damon isn't my favorite person ever, but this looks like it has the potential to be interesting. Inception meets The Matrix meets...I don't know what? If I run out of things to see, this looks like it wouldn't be a complete waste of time.

*Battle: Los Angeles. (March 11th) Definitely wins freakiest fucking trailer so far. Apparently, tis the year for aliens. But really. The music. I'm simultaneously scared for my life and hot for Michelle Rodriguez.

*Sucker Punch. (March 25th) I'm not going to lie, it took me a moment to warm up to this one. I mean, Vanessa Hudgens, Emily Browning? Aren't these teenybopper kids? But...I can't deny it, it looks badass. And, as my girlfriend pointed out, it would be good for them to be able to shed the teenybopper status and actually show that girls can really be cool without worrying about looking like real life Barbie Dolls. It's about time young girls got some real rolemodels.

Source Code. (April 15th) Ah, my favorite gay cowboy. And it just so happens that I love Michelle Monaghan, who I don't think many people are very familiar with but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang anyone? It's an interesting concept, let's see if it pans out.

Fast Five. (June 10th) I don't want to want this. I really, really don't. The first Fast And Furious movie was fun for what it was. But after that they went to shit and I just stopped paying attention. Well. This movie had the balls to catch my attention. Crap.

*Cowboys and Aliens. (July 29th) Another one I've been wetting myself like a baby over. I don't really know what to say about it except that it kills me. Every time. I'm blow away the the sheer awesomeness of it. 

Fair Game. (Nov 5th) They're really milking this one, releasing the trailer almost a year in advance [edit: I am a fucking retard, this movie game out Nov 5th...2010. No wonder! Scratch this one off your to-see list, but maybe add to the to-rent list?]. It's one of those political scam movies, which I'm not a big fan of. I had a hard time even giving Bourne Identity a chance, which I know makes me a bad action movie lover. But I do like Sean Penn? I might find a reason to see this movie eventually.

Alright. So there's a lot of conspiracy theory/aliens/alternate reality mumbojumbo this year. But you know what? I'm not complaining. It looks pretty fucking awesome. And I'm sure come summer we'll get a slew of good old fashioned kick-in-the-teeth nail-gun-to-the-head actions movies with bang and breasts. And I can't fucking wait.

TRAILER: Cowboys And Aliens

TRAILER: Cowboys And Aliens

http://i.telegraph.co.uk

The title is almost all you need to jump up and down on your mattress springs in pure, unadulterated glee. Okay. Number one. It has cowboys. And, like, not this new-fangled kind of angsty gritty cowboy thing the Coen Brothers cooked up and everyone else seems to have taken a liking to. No, this is old school, double-saloon doors squeaking while a stray tumbleweed rolls down the dusty prairie floor. And if it couldn't get any better, there are aliens. ALIENS. All I needed were fucking Ninjas and I would've died on the spot. Maybe the Aliens are also Ninjas? Who knows! 

But to be serious about it. The best part of this whole thing is the casting. Olivia Wilde, okay, I kind of liked her better before House M.D. to be perfectly honest, even though I have nothing against House, I was addicted to that show for a few good years. But I'm willing to let her blow me away again. Daniel Craig, I love. Harrison Ford, yes please. Harrison Ford, just to elaborate, deserves this role. He really, really does. Because he's a fucking good actor. And I know, I know, age did not treat him well. He's not the hot hunk of a man he used to be. But you know what? I'm sorry he didn't get 1,000 plastic surgery operations to make himself look like a walking piece of a wax museum. But his ruggish looks were only half the joy of watching him. He really sold us with his genuine great acting skills. Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Rick Deckard--these are classic fucking characters. Character that defined the cinematic world as we know it. And what roles is he getting these days? Some grumpy news anchor in the romcom Morning Glory? Are you shitting me? It's about fucking time he got a role in which he could be his true badass self once again. Oh, but the best part? The BEST part??? And this part I'm really way too excited for. Are you ready? Really ready? It's going to be legen...wait for it...James Bond and Indiana Jones are going to be in the same fucking movie!!! All my wishes have been granted. Next life please. 

Jon Favreau is directing. Steven Spielberg's fingers of awesome are in this pie. It's based off a comic book, which means it automatically has to be the shit. I'm so excited I could behead ten kittens on the spot.