2011 In Review.

2011: In Review

Image from stardusttrailers.com.

It's that time again. Time to wrap up the year with a bundle of theater tickets and see which $12.50 I regretted spending the most. I've got to say, where last year felt mostly like a very steep roller coaster with some movies reaching high portions of epicness while others threw me under the bus, 2011 was a bit of a relief. Despite most of the crap 3D churned out, overall I'd say it was a pretty even keel year. Some good shit, some bad shit, end of story. Nothing that completely mindfucked me into oblivion, and I'd probably be hard pressed to call any of these movies "classics". Still, I feel like I got a lot of nice, feel good movies that I'll find myself watching over and over again in the years to come, which is really more than I could ask for. With that, drum roll please...

What's not to love?

BEST OF 2011:
*Hanna.
Best movie of 2011.
So Hanna now seems miles away, having come out at the very start of the year, but I've got to say, despite all the great films that popped up over the course of 2011, still nothing could top this. Great action, great music, great acting, great, simple plot. Great little girl badass. I'm sold. It's really fucking hard to do better than Saoirse Ronan kicking the shit out of everyone who stands in her way.

*X-Men: First Class.

Best gay sex of 2011.

It's like Brokeback Mountain. But with funny hats. Wait. Still like Brokeback Mountain. Anyway, by far one of the best X-Men films out there (if not the). A fucking great origins story, which is especially refreshing after Wolverine did some shit so nonsensical that even he didn't want to remember it. Fassbender (who seems to have stolen this year out from under everyone's nose) and McAvoy did a brilliant job with their characters and with their bromance. Best of all? The script was airtight. It was just good, clean fun. And very, very gay.

*Cowboys & Aliens.

Best cowboys of 2011.

Best aliens of 2011.

It was just a good movie. Straight up. Everything that it set out to do with a title like Cowboys & Aliens, it did. Somewhere along the line, someone figured out if you just give your movie an easy title like Hot Tub Time Machine, everyone knows what they're getting into and no one's disappointed. This was my Hot Tub Time Machine of the year. I got exactly what I wanted--Harrison Ford strutting atop his horse, aliens with terrifying stomach hands, and best of all, an excuse to dyke-it-out and wear chaps for Halloween.

Super 8.

Best anti-drug PSA of 2011.

Basically, it's the year of the kickass little people heroes. And no one does little people heroes quite like Steven Spielberg. I mean, J.J. Abrams. Sorry, who wrote this movie again? Tomatoes, tomahtoes. Either way, it was just a fun alien movie. Like Cowboys & Aliens but...you know. Nice aliens. I'll rephrase: nice aliens who don't share Olivia Wilde's brand of creepy face.

Warrior.

Best "I''m not crying, I've just got something in my eye" of 2011.

I've got a soft stop for Tom Hardy, I'm not gonna lie. And this movie just confirmed my instincts. If The Fighter hadn't sucked up everyone's interest in ring fighting for the next couple years, this one would've done it. It was rough and tumble, but with a good deal of heart. 

And by devil I mean her legs.

Drive.

Best hammer of 2011.

Here's the thing. I wasn't half as crazy about Drive as most people were. I don't think it's particularly the movie of the century. But movie of the year? Yeah, I can give it that. Might not top everything that is badass in Hanna, but it's a good, solid film. Ryan Gosling certainly gave Michael Fassbender a run for his money this year as one or the other seemed to show up in every movie poster. 

Drive Angry.

Best devil of 2011.

I need to write up a review for this movie. Need to, need to, need to. But let's face it. This movie would've been good if it had just been William Fichtner disappearing and reappearing in random places, spouting caustic one-liners and performing deeds of massive badassitry. Oh wait--that is what this movie is? I'M THERE! And Amber Heard is a lesbian. So really. Really. There is nothing for me NOT to like. 

Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
Best "that was fun, let's do it again!" of 2011.
Was it as good as the Swedish version? Maybe not. But it had a lot going for it--acting wise, direction wise, script wise. Overall, a solid, good movie on it's own. Too bad it has a equally pretty sister. But who said anything about choosing when you can have them both?

BLEH OF 2011:
Let's start with the positives. There were a couple good surprises this year, and I always approve of a little mindfuckery. The movies that really caught me off guard with their awesome included Red State, which just happened to be even more brilliant than it promised. Then there was Thor, also known as the best other hammer of the year. Maybe not a great superhero movie, but hell, it was a great comedy. Someone clearly just stacked it in the wrong shelf. And for the most surprising surprise yet, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes? Awesome. Who knew? Not me.

Draco Malfoy playing...Draco Malfoy.

Next up, those movies that were just...you know. Good. Worth the watch. Contagion was good in a sort of "this is a good movie but takes itself too seriously for me to watch more than once" kind of way. 30 Minutes Or Less appealed to both the audience member in me who likes to watch things blow up and enjoys Danny McBrides's crazy tomfoolery. Horrible Bosses was amusing in it's own way, and that way was namely referred to as Jason Bateman's comic timing. I think Captain America: The First Avenger was good, but I was also pretty stoned at the time so it's really hard to say. And Sherlock Holmes had even more gay sex that X-Men, which is saying a lot, so even though the plot was shoddy I forgave it for the bromance.

Lastly, there were the movies that...were just okay. Movies that had good spots and bad spots, but to me were...just fun movies. To every one else, they seemed to have polarizing effect--you loved it or you hated it. Me? Eh. It wasn't total shit, but it wasn't movie of the year either. Those two movies for me were The Hangover Pt II and Sucker Punch. Love it or leave it. I'll leave both, but won't regret seeing them either.

WORST OF 2011:
And now for the best part. The most fun you'll have out of the theaters all year...

This is how an acting career dies.

Priest.
Biggest dick slap in the face of 2011.
Sucked balls. Sucked major balls. I cannot even begin to tell you how many balls it sucked. Spoiler alert: lots of them.

The Green Hornet.
Greenest movie of 2011.
A superhero movie. With cool gadgets. And Christoph Waltz. Sounds promising, right? Well, that's what I thought too. Until I saw it. And it was like someone had taken a large, green, 3D crap on the screen. Yeah. Not so much fun.

Apollo 18.
Best comedy of 2011.
I'm going to own up to something. I snuck into this one, I caught the last half of it, and I'm fucking glad I didn't have to suffer through the first half. There was no bromance, nothing interesting about the two main characters, and no matter how many "legitimate" URLs you put at the end of your movie, I'm not going to believe moon rocks are out to get me.

MOVIES I JUST DIDN'T GIVE A CHANCE.

Yet another year goes by in which I failed my Pokemon Master and could not catch them all. Here's the list of all the movies I missed out on this year...any worth checking out? Any I should avoid like the bubonic plague? Let me know!

Movies I legitimately meant to see: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (I will see this one, just not before midnight). Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (ditto). Shame. The Rum Diary. The Mechanic. The Guard. The Debt.

Movies I kind of hoped to see: Dream House. Immortals. Fright Night. Killer Elite. Colombiana. Rampart. Fast Five. Tower Heist. The Adjustment Bureau. Unknown. Conan the Barbarian.

Movies I went out of my way not to see: In Time. Limitless. Source Code. The Three Musketeers. Battle: LA. Season Of The Witch. The Lincoln Lawyer. Transformers: Dark Of The Moon.

That's all, folks! Hope everyone celebrates the New Year with champagne, car chases, and couple well timed fruit cart explosions. See you next year!

Monkey Panic!

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011)

Image from moviecarpet.com.

Or, as my good friend more aptly titled it, Monkey Panic! (2011). Whatever you call it, it's clear that, despite my resistance, the shame is on me. I'll start by saying that if I've seen any of the previous renditions of The Planet Of The Apes, I've forgotten them completely. I remembered enough of the general gist of the story to know that it was going to end with a planet full of super intelligent monkeys (aka: furry humans), and a bittersweet apocalypse. But the subtitles of the movie, the introduction of the different monkey characters, the ground this origin of the story was based on, was lost on me. Still, the trailer left a bad taste in my mouth, so settled into my theater seat and braced myself. The result? It was more fun than a barrel of genetically enhanced killer monkeys. 

The strength in the script relied in its slow build up. Rise Of The Planet Of--fuck it, that's a mouthful. Monkey Panic! was, essentially, about how Caesar and his gang of mad apes destroyed the human race and claimed earth for their own. Yet the movie spends maybe the last twenty or thirty minutes actually in the monkey-human battle for planet earth. If you can even call it that--they're really just battling to cross a bridge. But that's the thing this script does right, it takes what should be a huge movie of epic proportions and boils it down to the simplest terms. It has less to do with the actual Planet of the Apes and more to do with the genesis of Caesar, the leader ape. We take our time getting to know Caesar, starting at day one, when scientist Will Rodman (James Franco), steals him from the lab to keep him from being terminated. Will Rodman isn't your average "mad scientist" himself. He's not looking to make humans smarter (see: everything that's wrong with The Lawnmower Man (1992)), he just happens to stumble upon a superhuman serum while looking for a cure for Alzheimer's. Again, keeping it small, making it believable, and hooking the audience into this world. Monkey Panic! spends most of the movie exploring the psychology of Caesar and gets us invested in his plight before they start throwing the crazy shit at us. For by the time he finally grabs the cruel hook of human oppression and utters his first human word, we're holding our breath waiting for it. 

Ohai, Faceripper Monkey.

Performance wise, everyone does a great job. Well. Almost. Everyone except our main human, James Franco. I don't know what exactly he was thinking for this role, but he seemed to sleep walk through the majority of it. I've got a sneaking suspicion that he thought he was filming Rise Of The Pineapple Express. I understand, I zoned out half way though the title myself, he can't really be blamed. But everyone else more or less hit the mark for campy monkey movie. David Oyelowo stole the show as the money hungry businessman looking to make an extra buck off his apetastic friends. He honed in on that vibrant, exaggerated acting style that's needed for a campy movie like this, and I enjoyed him so much I couldn't help but root for him, even if he was the closest the movie got to an antagonist. Lastly, Frieda Pinto does an excellent job at being gorgeous. A Plus. Another score for the script--they did away with any forced cheap side love story. He got the girl in the first ten minutes, and we were happy. Done. Draco Malfoy also did a stellar job as Draco Malfoy. Sorry--did you expect him to ever move on from Harry Potter? As for the monkeys, Andy Serkis was the badass he always is. The Orangutan does a great job looking wise with his inverted mushroom face. King Kong makes a brief, heroic appearance, and we're rooting for him the whole time. Lastly, Face Ripper monkey also had a cameo, but for some reason Caesar had him cut back on the face ripping.

All in all, for a movie that I was not looking forward in the slightest, I was glad I actually went out and saw it. It was a lot of fun, the script was smart (even with a couple mandatory plotholes), and I didn't leave the theater feeling like I got monkey poo thrown in my face. I'm not going to go apeshit for Monkey Panic!, and I doubt I'll watch it again, but it was a satisfying, emotional thrill, and that's more than you can hope for most movies these days. 

Coming To A Theater Near You!

Upcoming Attractions

It's that time again. Time to drag out a bunch of upcoming trailers and see if there's anything worthwhile coming up in the near and/or distant future. It's like fantasy football, except you're almost always bound to be disappointed with the results.

1. I needed this in my life yesterday.

HAYWIRE.
Thank Melissa for this one. I saw the trailer and just about wet myself. The cast is excellent, the premise sticks to one of those if-it-ain't-broke-don't-fix-it formulas, and the main character is a badass fucking chick out for blood. I need say no more.

2. Shut your face--I'M FUCKING PUMPED.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4.
I can't fucking wait. Does it matter that I haven't seen the last Mission Impossible movies in years? No, no it doesn't. Because the action looks killer, the cast is fantastic, and what can I say, I like Tom Cruise when he's being himself--a complete and utter tool. Even if he has the most ridiculous run known to mad kind. I'm there.

FRIGHT NIGHT.
Anton Yelchin? David Tennant? Toni Collette? I'll admit--even Colin Farrell, even though he's a completely hit or miss actor (owned his role in In Bruges (2008), then ad-libbed the rest of his career, what gives?). Let's just hope this is a hit. I will add that I've never seen the original Fright Night (1985), so I have zero reason yet to hate this movie on principle.

3. It's a toss up.

IN TIME.
Alright. The thing is, I would be so fucking stoked for this movie. If Inception (2010) didn't already exist. I know its a faulty comparison, but. Eh. There's just something that doesn't click. I'll probably end up seeing it anyway.

30 MINUTES OR LESS.
Like the action, like the actors, like the comedy. Dislike paying $11.00 for it. I'll probably wait for a rental.

SHARK 3D.
I can't wait to get wasted and wake up with this ticket stub, a lemur, and Zach Gallifinakis lying in bed next to me going: "What the hell happened last night?"

4. I was with you until the title.

PLANET OF THE APES.
Self explanatory.

BATTLESHIP.
I just started laughing. It was all I could do. It was laugh or cry, really.

Fight Club Rule #5:

5. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me seven times, shame on me.