2011 In Review.

2011: In Review

Image from stardusttrailers.com.

It's that time again. Time to wrap up the year with a bundle of theater tickets and see which $12.50 I regretted spending the most. I've got to say, where last year felt mostly like a very steep roller coaster with some movies reaching high portions of epicness while others threw me under the bus, 2011 was a bit of a relief. Despite most of the crap 3D churned out, overall I'd say it was a pretty even keel year. Some good shit, some bad shit, end of story. Nothing that completely mindfucked me into oblivion, and I'd probably be hard pressed to call any of these movies "classics". Still, I feel like I got a lot of nice, feel good movies that I'll find myself watching over and over again in the years to come, which is really more than I could ask for. With that, drum roll please...

What's not to love?

BEST OF 2011:
*Hanna.
Best movie of 2011.
So Hanna now seems miles away, having come out at the very start of the year, but I've got to say, despite all the great films that popped up over the course of 2011, still nothing could top this. Great action, great music, great acting, great, simple plot. Great little girl badass. I'm sold. It's really fucking hard to do better than Saoirse Ronan kicking the shit out of everyone who stands in her way.

*X-Men: First Class.

Best gay sex of 2011.

It's like Brokeback Mountain. But with funny hats. Wait. Still like Brokeback Mountain. Anyway, by far one of the best X-Men films out there (if not the). A fucking great origins story, which is especially refreshing after Wolverine did some shit so nonsensical that even he didn't want to remember it. Fassbender (who seems to have stolen this year out from under everyone's nose) and McAvoy did a brilliant job with their characters and with their bromance. Best of all? The script was airtight. It was just good, clean fun. And very, very gay.

*Cowboys & Aliens.

Best cowboys of 2011.

Best aliens of 2011.

It was just a good movie. Straight up. Everything that it set out to do with a title like Cowboys & Aliens, it did. Somewhere along the line, someone figured out if you just give your movie an easy title like Hot Tub Time Machine, everyone knows what they're getting into and no one's disappointed. This was my Hot Tub Time Machine of the year. I got exactly what I wanted--Harrison Ford strutting atop his horse, aliens with terrifying stomach hands, and best of all, an excuse to dyke-it-out and wear chaps for Halloween.

Super 8.

Best anti-drug PSA of 2011.

Basically, it's the year of the kickass little people heroes. And no one does little people heroes quite like Steven Spielberg. I mean, J.J. Abrams. Sorry, who wrote this movie again? Tomatoes, tomahtoes. Either way, it was just a fun alien movie. Like Cowboys & Aliens but...you know. Nice aliens. I'll rephrase: nice aliens who don't share Olivia Wilde's brand of creepy face.

Warrior.

Best "I''m not crying, I've just got something in my eye" of 2011.

I've got a soft stop for Tom Hardy, I'm not gonna lie. And this movie just confirmed my instincts. If The Fighter hadn't sucked up everyone's interest in ring fighting for the next couple years, this one would've done it. It was rough and tumble, but with a good deal of heart. 

And by devil I mean her legs.

Drive.

Best hammer of 2011.

Here's the thing. I wasn't half as crazy about Drive as most people were. I don't think it's particularly the movie of the century. But movie of the year? Yeah, I can give it that. Might not top everything that is badass in Hanna, but it's a good, solid film. Ryan Gosling certainly gave Michael Fassbender a run for his money this year as one or the other seemed to show up in every movie poster. 

Drive Angry.

Best devil of 2011.

I need to write up a review for this movie. Need to, need to, need to. But let's face it. This movie would've been good if it had just been William Fichtner disappearing and reappearing in random places, spouting caustic one-liners and performing deeds of massive badassitry. Oh wait--that is what this movie is? I'M THERE! And Amber Heard is a lesbian. So really. Really. There is nothing for me NOT to like. 

Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
Best "that was fun, let's do it again!" of 2011.
Was it as good as the Swedish version? Maybe not. But it had a lot going for it--acting wise, direction wise, script wise. Overall, a solid, good movie on it's own. Too bad it has a equally pretty sister. But who said anything about choosing when you can have them both?

BLEH OF 2011:
Let's start with the positives. There were a couple good surprises this year, and I always approve of a little mindfuckery. The movies that really caught me off guard with their awesome included Red State, which just happened to be even more brilliant than it promised. Then there was Thor, also known as the best other hammer of the year. Maybe not a great superhero movie, but hell, it was a great comedy. Someone clearly just stacked it in the wrong shelf. And for the most surprising surprise yet, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes? Awesome. Who knew? Not me.

Draco Malfoy playing...Draco Malfoy.

Next up, those movies that were just...you know. Good. Worth the watch. Contagion was good in a sort of "this is a good movie but takes itself too seriously for me to watch more than once" kind of way. 30 Minutes Or Less appealed to both the audience member in me who likes to watch things blow up and enjoys Danny McBrides's crazy tomfoolery. Horrible Bosses was amusing in it's own way, and that way was namely referred to as Jason Bateman's comic timing. I think Captain America: The First Avenger was good, but I was also pretty stoned at the time so it's really hard to say. And Sherlock Holmes had even more gay sex that X-Men, which is saying a lot, so even though the plot was shoddy I forgave it for the bromance.

Lastly, there were the movies that...were just okay. Movies that had good spots and bad spots, but to me were...just fun movies. To every one else, they seemed to have polarizing effect--you loved it or you hated it. Me? Eh. It wasn't total shit, but it wasn't movie of the year either. Those two movies for me were The Hangover Pt II and Sucker Punch. Love it or leave it. I'll leave both, but won't regret seeing them either.

WORST OF 2011:
And now for the best part. The most fun you'll have out of the theaters all year...

This is how an acting career dies.

Priest.
Biggest dick slap in the face of 2011.
Sucked balls. Sucked major balls. I cannot even begin to tell you how many balls it sucked. Spoiler alert: lots of them.

The Green Hornet.
Greenest movie of 2011.
A superhero movie. With cool gadgets. And Christoph Waltz. Sounds promising, right? Well, that's what I thought too. Until I saw it. And it was like someone had taken a large, green, 3D crap on the screen. Yeah. Not so much fun.

Apollo 18.
Best comedy of 2011.
I'm going to own up to something. I snuck into this one, I caught the last half of it, and I'm fucking glad I didn't have to suffer through the first half. There was no bromance, nothing interesting about the two main characters, and no matter how many "legitimate" URLs you put at the end of your movie, I'm not going to believe moon rocks are out to get me.

MOVIES I JUST DIDN'T GIVE A CHANCE.

Yet another year goes by in which I failed my Pokemon Master and could not catch them all. Here's the list of all the movies I missed out on this year...any worth checking out? Any I should avoid like the bubonic plague? Let me know!

Movies I legitimately meant to see: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (I will see this one, just not before midnight). Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (ditto). Shame. The Rum Diary. The Mechanic. The Guard. The Debt.

Movies I kind of hoped to see: Dream House. Immortals. Fright Night. Killer Elite. Colombiana. Rampart. Fast Five. Tower Heist. The Adjustment Bureau. Unknown. Conan the Barbarian.

Movies I went out of my way not to see: In Time. Limitless. Source Code. The Three Musketeers. Battle: LA. Season Of The Witch. The Lincoln Lawyer. Transformers: Dark Of The Moon.

That's all, folks! Hope everyone celebrates the New Year with champagne, car chases, and couple well timed fruit cart explosions. See you next year!

Upcoming Attractions For 2011.

UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS

I know. I almost cried when 2010 was over too. But there is hope! 2011 is officially here, folks, and it looks like it's going to be a good year for conspiracy theories, CIA plots, and lots, and lots of little green men from outer-space. Prepare to get spacey. I give you the trailers worth watching of 2011, in order of release date. The ones I'm head-over-heels in love with already and will definitely see no matter what have (*) symbols in front of them.

*The Green Hornet. (Jan 14th) I've basically ranted my head off about this movie already. There's nothing more to say except: I will most probably see everything that comes out this year with Christoph Waltz in it. That is all.

The Mechanic. (Jan 28th) So I won't actually be waiting in the rain for days for this one. But a hitman revenge story is always a good thing. Double points if it has Jason Statham in it.

The Rite. (Jan 28th) Because who doesn't love a good devil-meets-girl movie? Especially when fucking Anthony Hopkins is in it. He'll eat your soul with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Unknown. (Feb 18th) Very The Fugitive. So glad Liam Neeson is getting roles as the badass he is. I've loved him as an action movie actor ever since Hannibal, and I'm glad he's actually getting paid just to be his awesome self.

*Drive Angry. (Feb 25th) I cannot even begin to express how fucking excited I am for this movie. The Grindhouse style voice over in the fucking trailer, the clever and yet ridiculous dialogue, the campy characters, the comedic yet intimidating bad guy, Nic Cage being a BAMF...I think my ovaries just exploded all over the place. "What's he gonna do...not let me back in?" I need this. In my life. Now.

The Adjustment Bureau. (March 4th) So Matt Damon isn't my favorite person ever, but this looks like it has the potential to be interesting. Inception meets The Matrix meets...I don't know what? If I run out of things to see, this looks like it wouldn't be a complete waste of time.

*Battle: Los Angeles. (March 11th) Definitely wins freakiest fucking trailer so far. Apparently, tis the year for aliens. But really. The music. I'm simultaneously scared for my life and hot for Michelle Rodriguez.

*Sucker Punch. (March 25th) I'm not going to lie, it took me a moment to warm up to this one. I mean, Vanessa Hudgens, Emily Browning? Aren't these teenybopper kids? But...I can't deny it, it looks badass. And, as my girlfriend pointed out, it would be good for them to be able to shed the teenybopper status and actually show that girls can really be cool without worrying about looking like real life Barbie Dolls. It's about time young girls got some real rolemodels.

Source Code. (April 15th) Ah, my favorite gay cowboy. And it just so happens that I love Michelle Monaghan, who I don't think many people are very familiar with but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang anyone? It's an interesting concept, let's see if it pans out.

Fast Five. (June 10th) I don't want to want this. I really, really don't. The first Fast And Furious movie was fun for what it was. But after that they went to shit and I just stopped paying attention. Well. This movie had the balls to catch my attention. Crap.

*Cowboys and Aliens. (July 29th) Another one I've been wetting myself like a baby over. I don't really know what to say about it except that it kills me. Every time. I'm blow away the the sheer awesomeness of it. 

Fair Game. (Nov 5th) They're really milking this one, releasing the trailer almost a year in advance [edit: I am a fucking retard, this movie game out Nov 5th...2010. No wonder! Scratch this one off your to-see list, but maybe add to the to-rent list?]. It's one of those political scam movies, which I'm not a big fan of. I had a hard time even giving Bourne Identity a chance, which I know makes me a bad action movie lover. But I do like Sean Penn? I might find a reason to see this movie eventually.

Alright. So there's a lot of conspiracy theory/aliens/alternate reality mumbojumbo this year. But you know what? I'm not complaining. It looks pretty fucking awesome. And I'm sure come summer we'll get a slew of good old fashioned kick-in-the-teeth nail-gun-to-the-head actions movies with bang and breasts. And I can't fucking wait.