"I Thought Christmas Only Came Once A Year."

Ho-Ho-Hoes!

Christina Hendricks in Drive.

In the spirit of Christmas and giving back and all the rest of that sickly sweet holiday good stuff, I figured it's about time to pimp some awesome posts you all have been writing up. And so if Santa gives you nothing you want and you're looking for something to do while you warm yourself by a coal-burning Yule Log, here's some good reading material listed in no particular order that should keep you in high spirits.

1. Melissa and her friend's little girl give a long-awaited (by me, at least) review Hanna.

2. Thaddeus gives us a great review of a classic Christmas film, Die Hard.

3. French Toast Sunday has a little something for everyone in a list of 6 Fun Movies To Watch This Holiday Season.

4. Nebular jumps up and down in excitement with all the rest of us over the killer trailer for Prometheus.

5. Comeuppance Reviews highlights my man Michael Madsen in their review for Executive Target.

6. Something's clearly in the air, as Brent also praises all that is awesome in Boogie Nights.

7. What would Christmas be without bribing Santa for the goods? Matt reminds us of everything we love about gangsters as he gets excited over the pending Gangster Squad.

8. And for some fun shit: Hollywood's Six Favorite Offensive Stereotypes a la Cracked.com.

9. Tag that along with 5 Old-Timey Prejudices That Still Show Up In Every Movie still a la Cracked.com.

10. Lastly, a write up close to my heart, Why 3D Movies Need To Die by The Oatmeal.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, all that good PC stuff. And to all a good night!

Merry Christmas, Bitches!

TREEVENGE

In my last ditch attempt to destroy everyone's holly jolly Christmas spirit, I give you...TREEVENGE! Watch and weep. I will spend the rest of the night eyeing my Christmas tree out of the corner of my eye with a rifle in hand. 

Ka-POW!

ENTER THE DRAGON (1973)

Merry Martial Arts-mas.

Honestly, what better way to celebrate the spirit of giving, loving, and bad wool sweaters than to watch Bruce Lee kick the shit out of everyone? My point exactly. Let's just say it, yes? Enter The Dragon (1973) is better than flying sabertooth tigers, badass mama cats, and Tom Hardy rapping. Enter The Dragon is basically better than everything. It's really not hard to see why. Bruce Lee (thinly disguised as Lee) takes on a case of 007 proportions when he agrees to join a martial arts tournament on an exclusive island to spy on an evil crime lord. To top it all off, it's a martial arts movie with undercurrents of spy thriller and blaxploitation, revenge films and redemption films. The best part of the movie for me is the way it's set up. A clear, straightforward plot, filled to the brim with lively characters. Despite the fact that it's an exciting action movie, the action is really just a nice little side dish to what is a wonderfully character driven flick.

Image from midnightonly.com.

Bruce Lee helms the film as the ever stoic Jedi fortune cookie. He's one with the force and stuff, and knows how to fight with his mind, not his strength. But with his strength too. Just look at those arms! The best thing about Lee is that, while he's a bonafide badass with superior martial skills and a battle cry that could explode bald eagles, he's got a great sense of humor. Instead of sitting lotus style on his high horse casting a weary eye on all those beneath him, he carries on with a sly grin and a couple well-deserved pranks on anyone who dares to piss him off. It makes him powerful, knowledgeable, but human. Why did we love Yoda in the original Star Wars? Because he chuckled at his own jokes as he mumbled incoherently to himself. Why did we hate Yoda in the new Star Wars? Because he had no personality and sat there stroking his butt-ugly CGI chin. You can be all powerful and still be all human, in a way that lets the audience actually connect to the character. Furthermore, Lee does have a revenge plot going--man indirectly killed his sister, yadayada. But somehow that's less important than the bonds he makes with the other characters, and the bromance he shares with all of them.

Image from midnightonly.com

Roper is our mandatory white guy lens, because we clearly need someone to translate all this asian crap for us. Did I mention the racism is borderline ridiculous? But you know what--I can handle it. Because unlike some movies from the 70s, the "minorities characters" here were...well. Badasses. Sure, they might've taken on all the stereotypes, but they fought their own fights, whooped the bad guys asses, and did it all in style. And Roper is...well. Just a very amicable tool. You can't help but like Roper. Played by John Saxon, Roper spends more time gambling than he does actually fighting, and will play the odds just to make a pretty penny. But when he does take a swing...he'll knock a man down in a single hit. Despite the fact that he's a gambling addict, Roper has a surprisingly high bar of unshakable principles and while every man has his price, Roper keeps his nose clean of nefarious business and stays true to his friends. You go, Roper.

Next up, Roper's Nam pal and token black friend, Williams, played by Jim Kelly. Williams is a cool cat with a happenin' jive, whatever that means. He's the kind of man who is constantly followed by a funky theme song and often found getting shafted by the po-po. What's a brotha to do? Beat the pigs up, that's what. The great thing about Williams is while he fulfills basically every blaxploitation stereotype, including his unquenchable sexual appetite, you've got to hand it to the guy, he does it all in style. I mean, after watching him pull his sweet martial arts moves, what small army of hookers wouldn't throw themselves at him?

As for the bad guys, we have a couple worth mentioning. First up we have Parsons, played by a guy who will never work again after this movie. He's one of the fighters in the tournament who isn't so much a bad guy as he is a straight up bully--he beats on the help, which is a clear sign that he's a psychopath. Parsons is a great character not because of anything he does, but because of his purpose in the story. He's simply there to add weight to the tournament so it's not a bunch of guys we like beating each other up, and he adds a nice extra layer of tension to the story (and then satisfaction when he gets his ass handed to him). In short, it's just plain smart screenwriting. As for the real villains, we've got the evil millionaire who pulls all the strings, known only as Han (Kien Shih). Han has a great deadpan evil thing going, but more than that, he's missing a hand and replaces said missing hand with various cruel hooks. So. What more can you really want from that? For henchmen, he's got Bolo (the thinly disguised Bolo Yeung), who is the prime example of what happens when you mate with an ox. Really, terrifying human being. And then there's O'Harra (Robert Wall), who is sleazy as hell and sports a scar across the side of his face to prove it. Oh, and he killed Lee's sister. Prepare to die.

"Bolo no like you like that!"

Speaking of the sister, a moment for the women. There's a an undercover woman played by Bette Chung, who really does fuck all. But she keeps a platonic relationship with the male lead, so that must make her some sort of super spy. Lee's sister on the other hand is a total badass. Su Lin (Angela Mao) proves herself to be worthy to carry Bruce Lee's blood in her veins when she gets chased down by an army of men and knocks them down like dominos. She pwns the hell out of any sinister man who crosses her path, and it's only after four minutes and a multitude of extras that they finally corner her and prompt her to kill herself to save her honor. Speaking of extras...holy shit. Is that Jackie Chan?

In short, Enter The Dragon is really the Christmas gift that keeps giving. To hell with a puppy, I want nunchucks in my stockings. Which are also better than Arnold's Pizza Shop.

Winter Is Coming...

DECEMBER MOVIES

If case you're wondering where I am this December, you can find me stalking the movie theaters at any one of these dates:

Shame (December 2nd)

Fassbender. Mulligan. Sex addiction. I'm there.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (December 9th)

It's been talked about so much I feel like I've already seen it. Still, that won't stop me from running to the theaters.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows (December 16th)

Noomi Rapace is not in my bed. There is no god.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (December 23rd)

Speak of the tattooed devil. Even without the Rapace love, I will see it and enjoy it, dammit.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (December 23rd)

The amount of excitement I have for this movie is actually borderline unhealthy.


And these are the reasons I'll be at home hating the world and drinking myself into oblivion:

New Year's Eve

Unless this movie ends with Hugo Stiglitz killing every man, woman, and child the moment the ball drops, I'm not interested.

The Sitter

No.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

What self respecting six year old sees these movies?

Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas, You Naughty Motherfuckers.

BLACK SANTA'S REVENGE (2007)

Image from http://badazzmofo.com

Christmas came early this year, all thanks to a post made by The Lighting Bug's Lair. Santa with a gun, treacherous elves, slutty hookers who want nothing more than a chance to sit on Ol' Nick's lap? Yes, please. Black Santa's Revenge is a short blaxploitation flick staring Ken Foree, best known for his role in the original Dawn Of The Dead. Black Santa (not kidding, that's what he's listed as on IMDB) dons the costume of Santa and brings joy to the kids of the ghetto, promising them they'll get gifts even though their parents can't afford them. But Santa's got a surprise--a shit ton of toys shoved in the back for the kids this year. Yep. This Santa keeps his promises. Until a gangster who hates Santa AND Christmas comes and steals all the toys. And so it begins, and Black Santa goes on a roaring rampage of revenge to get the toys back and save Christmas.

The thing is, this is just one of those movies that's fun to say you saw it. "Oh, what'd you do for Christmas?" "Yeah, I dropped A Christmas Story this year and went with Black Santa's Revenge instead." It's fun, it's campy, and it's just one of those movies worth watching to get into the holiday spirit. As much as "Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra" will always make me laugh. Plus, it's only 20 minutes long, and it's worth every minute. Sure, it's low budget and it shows, but it you can get passed the "special effects" and artistic design, the plot is fun, the characters are hysterical, and Ken Foree makes one badass Santa.

"Making my list, checking it twice, gonna put all you naughty motherfuckers on ice."

It's basically impossible to get this movie unless you download it from the homepage, where you can get an online copy for only $3.99. Totally worth it. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.

What Happened To My Sweet Girl?

THE BLACK SWAN (2010)

Not your average Christmas Spectacular. 

So I caved. If we were sticking this movie in a genre, I wouldn't really throw it into the action movie/shoot-em-up/gangster pile. Which is why I feel obligated to knock it down a peg (3 guns rather than 4), since I know it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea. However, when you get passed the fact that it's a movie about ballerinas putting on a performance of Swan Lake, this movie ranks high as a psychological thriller. I'd even be tempted to sidle it up next to movies like Memento or Blood Simple. And it has less to do with the actual content of the movie and more with the atmosphere of the movie. 

Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman.

The content I can wrap up in a couple short sentences without spoiling much. Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) is an uptight ballerina with a perfection complex, bolstered by her overbearing mother and her obsession for dance. She fights against the seductive competing ballerina Lily (Mila Kunis) for the attention of the skeevy director Thomas (Vincent Cassel) to win the role of the Swan Queen, and gets a little more than she bargained for. Despite the mother, the director, and the catty women, Nina turns out to be her own worst enemy. Tada! Three sentences or less. Now. The atmosphere. Dear God. Every frame of the movie was chilling. Darren Aronofsky (our friend from the biggest budget anti-drug PSA, Requiem For A Dream), I commend you. Every moment was stifling. You felt just as trapped in Nina's head as she did. Violence corroded every image, even the simple ones...a picking scratch here,  the clip of nail trimmers, the sound of toes grinding on polished wood floors. Sex and blood was inescapable even for the audience, and we felt the creeping tension growing tauter as Nina worked herself harder, stripped away a little more of her "sweet girl". 

Image from angsawariko.com

And now for the run down. Natalie Portman I love. She can really do no wrong in my eyes. Well. She did do the Prequels. That was a pretty major wrong. So she can do very little wrong in my eyes. I do love short, spunky women and Portman's got it. In this movie, as always, she shines, and does an excellent job portrayed the constantly tormented girl. Her main tormenter, Lily, is actually quite a lovable character in the hands of Mila Kunis. Even though every time I see her all I can think of is The 70s Show. Nonetheless, she's definitely a much better actress than I give her credit for and her personality really lights up this dark and dreary film. Plus, her and Natalie Portman have sex. I'll repeat it: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have lesbian sex. I believe that's worth the theater ticket in itself. 

Also, if this movie was lacking anything, it was more Vincent Cassel. He was sleezy, jarring, and yet didn't take it quite as far as he could have. Or maybe it was just that Nina was so self-destructive he seemed like a Teddy bear in comparison. Either way, he was just plain fun to watch, and I would've liked to see more of him. Last but not least, a shout out Barbara Hershey who plays a terrifying evil mother, and Winona Ryder who does another one of her surprising little cameo bits. Yes, I know, she shop lifts, boohooo, someone give this woman a real role already. 

All in all? I highly recommend this movie. It scared the crap out of me, and I'm not easily scared. The thing is, throw ghosts my way, exorcist chicks, Christine O'Donnell, and I'll still sleep (relatively) soundly. However, sit me down with a good psychological mindfuck, and I'm rocking in the corner with my thumb in my mouth. Blood Simple directed by the Coen Brothers and Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment keep me up at night, not the boogeyman. In short, if you like lesbians, viciousness, and mindfucks, this is certainly a keeper. 

Shoot First, Sightsee Later.

IN BRUGES (2008)

Thank you Dublin.

If you, like I, long to go out to see some brilliant movies that are coming out such as Black Swan or something fun and stupid like Due Date, but are stuck in the bone-softening, temperature-sensitive, curl-up-under-the-blankets-and-hibernate winter mode, here's one to put on your list to watch from the warm comfort of your yule log. Martin McDonagh, the acclaimed Irish playwright of the black comedy The Pillowman (shout out to my theatre connoisseur girlfriend for that one), proves once again that Europe just knows how to do gangster flicks better with his sharp-whited crime film, In Bruges. Don't get me wrong, fellow Americans--we've got the explosives. We've got the quick, extensive, choreographed fight scenes. We've got the mafia. But what we don't have is that gritty, harsh, sarcastic sense of humor in the macabre that Europeans seem to nail on the head every time. The close attention to character, dramatic relationships, and--thank god--crisp dialogue is something that is extraordinarily rare in American action films, and yet In Bruges captures it all and gives us a damn entertaining film worth its weight in expletives.

Image from www.poptheology.com

Welcome to the sleepy, Hallmark town of Bruges, Belgium. The resting place of waffles, medieval architecture, and two hitmen laying low after a job to off a priest turns sour when a little boy gets caught in the crossfire. Ken (played by the always-brilliant Brendan Gleeson) babysits his partner, the guilt-ridden Ray (Colin Farrell), as the two simply do their best to keep their sanity as they wait for their boss to give them the green light to come home. The simple enough premise gets thorny when Ken is assigned to a task that goes against the grain of his moral obligations and Ray, meanwhile, vies for the attention of a drop-dead gorgeous drug pusher (Clemence Poesy) with lethal complications.

It's really hard to give an accurate description of this movie without sounding like I'm pandering to the pseudo-intellectuals in us. But the truth is--yes, if you enjoy symbolism, redemption and damnation, and lovely little cinematic molehills planted in the beginning of the film which spin into mountain-sized explosive payoffs--this is the movie for you. However, if you just want to sit back, kick up your feet, and liquidate your brain--this is also the movie for you. The entertainment value is not to be undermined, and while the literary lovefest of deeper meanings and subtle complexities is there--there is excessive cursing, there are drugs, there are midgets (or dwarfs) who hang off the arms of Amsterdam whores. In short, it is impossible not to love this movie.

Image from the Guardian.

I may not be the biggest Colin Farrell fan (hey, anyone remember that movie Alexander? No? My point exactly), but he tore the house down in this film. It's hard not to love Ray, with his childlike impatience and punch-first-apologize-later attitude, who simultaneously carries a heavy burden of guilt on his shoulders. He's silly, absurd, and heartbreaking all at once, and between McDonagh's purely brilliant dialogue and Farrell's ease with which he slips into Ray's skin, the performance is amazing (the judges thought so too--Farrell won a Golden Globe for best actor in a musical/comedy). As for his buddy Ken, Bredan Gleeson, no surprise here, pulls off another fantastic performance as the "stick in the mud" yet sensible one of the two. And then there's their boss, Harry: father, husband, and top-dog gangster. Is there anything Ralph Fiennes can't do? His comic timing is hilarious, and he plays the perfect "cunt". Lastly, a shout out to Clemence Poesy, who some may know as Fleur from Harry Potter, but who I know as the charming, man-eating pusher with a sadistic edge, and Jordan Prentice, who deserves many more roles than simply "the token midget" and proves you don't have to be "this tall" to be a great actor.

And so don't get up out of bed this winter season. You may have to be a retarded farmer to enjoy Bruges, but anyone who's anyone will be thoroughly entertained by In Bruges. I bet my santa hat on it.