Don't Mistake My Appetite For Apathy!

THOR (2011)

Powerful. Epic. Alcoholic.

In antici....pation for the badfuckingass Avengers (2012) movie coming out, directed by the man I'd go intellectually straight for, Joss Whedon, I've decided to do a little catching up. To be honest, I was generally doing my best to avoid ever having to see Thor (2011). I'm not a huge comic book geek--I'll sell out to see the movies, but that's about as far as I go. And usually, I do dig on comic book movies--but generally stay to the grittier side of things (Frank Miller, I'm looking at you). So as much as I am a 12 year old boy from time to time, I couldn't leave a trail of candy tempting enough to get the kid in me to shell out the big bucks for this one. With that said, I did shell out the small bucks to rent it...and was glad that I did.

God of Thunder meets House of Pancakes.

This movie's saving grace really lies in its great sense of humor. Here's what I expected: a candy cane flavored bucket of made-for-3D action figures come to life. Here's what I got: a movie that didn't take itself too seriously and had a hell of a lot of fun being itself. I mean, really. How do you portray someone like THOR, who speaks in all caps and demands a stage worthy of his all powerful Godly presence? Well, you strip him of his powers, throw him down in the middle of bumfuck America, and watch him stumble around like a self-important drunkard. Instead of trying to compete for the spotlight with Iron Man and Captain America, Thor made the very wise choice to be the comedy relief of the bunch. The movie is littered with moments of brilliant, hilarious script writing, and I found myself literally laughing out loud as Thor demanded a dog, cat, or bird "big enough to ride" out of the pet store.

On the topic of the God himself, a moment for Chris Hemsworth. Alright, so Thor wasn't exactly a huge departure from his last big role of Kirk in Star Trek (2009). Still, he was somehow totally unrecognizable (must be the facial hair), and there wasn't a second that I didn't believe he was a giant, self important Norse God. He owned the role of Thor, and added a level of humor and humanity to the character that sold me. Onto the rest of the Thor family. I did not recognize Anthony Hopkins. Maybe I'm getting old, or he is. Either way, it wasn't until the credits started rolling did I actually recognize my friend Hannibal. So he spent most of the movie in a Odincoma, but hey. He was larger than life and just as badass when he was on his feet. Thor's evil little brother, Loki, was brilliant. Helmed by Tom Hiddleston, the man did killer job. As someone not familiar with the comics, I was pleased with the neat little twist in the simple fact that Loki...wasn't really a bad guy. At least, not in the beginning anyway. At the start of the movie you're going "Well, shit. Thor's off his fucking rocker, give the throne to Loki, he's the only sensible one in the bunch". And he's got that innocent face, that gentle expression...that is, until he turns into a maniacal little bastard. In short, I'm stoked to see him kick ass in Avengers.

Guarding gay bridges and taking names.

Outside the Thor family, we have some more great actors. I've already got a massive love affair with Idris Elba thanks to the work he's done with Guy Ritchie, and so I was overjoyed to see him kick ass as Heimdall, the gatekeeper. Seriously. He was the most badass part of the movie. Dude was so cool as the stoic, powerful, and justice-abiding Heimdall, I'd trust him with the gate of the universe any day of the week. Thor's band of merry warrior friends were also great--I don't know if it was the acting or the script, but you really got the sense that they would all live and die for each other. And I'm more or less just salivating over Sif, played by the beautiful Jaimie Alexander. Now that's a badass warrior woman. She had no love interest, just intense bromances, and a warrior's heart. Badfuckingass. For a super hero movie, I've got to give this one props for the way it treats its woman folk. Even Thor's love interest, Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), does a lot of standing on her own two feet. So, yes, she is a bit Mary Suey from time to time. But she does have her research that she cares about more than anything, and that has to count for something, right? I'll also note here that Natalie Portman stuck out like a sore thumb from time to time. I love the woman to pieces, and she did a great job. But that's just it. After winning the academy award for best actress, it's a little hard not to do a double-take when you see her in a super hero movie. Not to...diss super hero movies. But you know what I mean. Pressing on...

Now for the downside. The plot was too twisted. I didn't really get it. Something about...Frost Giants...rainbow bridges...you had to read the comic to understand, apparently. By the time the third act came around, I was more or less completely lost. But the thing was, that didn't really matter. You got the references or you didn't, Thor didn't really bother so much trying to put all their eggs in the plot basket. So they did something I actually have to give them respect for--they said "fuck this shit with the plot, the only ones who really care about plot are the comic book geeks who've seen it already. Instead, let's just build strong characters and a strong script". Which is really more than you can ask for in a superhero movie. All in all, more or less all over the place narrative-wise, but a fun as hell movie and good for a few unexpected laughs.

Did I mention she's badass?

What Happened To My Sweet Girl?

THE BLACK SWAN (2010)

Not your average Christmas Spectacular. 

So I caved. If we were sticking this movie in a genre, I wouldn't really throw it into the action movie/shoot-em-up/gangster pile. Which is why I feel obligated to knock it down a peg (3 guns rather than 4), since I know it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea. However, when you get passed the fact that it's a movie about ballerinas putting on a performance of Swan Lake, this movie ranks high as a psychological thriller. I'd even be tempted to sidle it up next to movies like Memento or Blood Simple. And it has less to do with the actual content of the movie and more with the atmosphere of the movie. 

Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman.

The content I can wrap up in a couple short sentences without spoiling much. Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) is an uptight ballerina with a perfection complex, bolstered by her overbearing mother and her obsession for dance. She fights against the seductive competing ballerina Lily (Mila Kunis) for the attention of the skeevy director Thomas (Vincent Cassel) to win the role of the Swan Queen, and gets a little more than she bargained for. Despite the mother, the director, and the catty women, Nina turns out to be her own worst enemy. Tada! Three sentences or less. Now. The atmosphere. Dear God. Every frame of the movie was chilling. Darren Aronofsky (our friend from the biggest budget anti-drug PSA, Requiem For A Dream), I commend you. Every moment was stifling. You felt just as trapped in Nina's head as she did. Violence corroded every image, even the simple ones...a picking scratch here,  the clip of nail trimmers, the sound of toes grinding on polished wood floors. Sex and blood was inescapable even for the audience, and we felt the creeping tension growing tauter as Nina worked herself harder, stripped away a little more of her "sweet girl". 

Image from angsawariko.com

And now for the run down. Natalie Portman I love. She can really do no wrong in my eyes. Well. She did do the Prequels. That was a pretty major wrong. So she can do very little wrong in my eyes. I do love short, spunky women and Portman's got it. In this movie, as always, she shines, and does an excellent job portrayed the constantly tormented girl. Her main tormenter, Lily, is actually quite a lovable character in the hands of Mila Kunis. Even though every time I see her all I can think of is The 70s Show. Nonetheless, she's definitely a much better actress than I give her credit for and her personality really lights up this dark and dreary film. Plus, her and Natalie Portman have sex. I'll repeat it: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have lesbian sex. I believe that's worth the theater ticket in itself. 

Also, if this movie was lacking anything, it was more Vincent Cassel. He was sleezy, jarring, and yet didn't take it quite as far as he could have. Or maybe it was just that Nina was so self-destructive he seemed like a Teddy bear in comparison. Either way, he was just plain fun to watch, and I would've liked to see more of him. Last but not least, a shout out Barbara Hershey who plays a terrifying evil mother, and Winona Ryder who does another one of her surprising little cameo bits. Yes, I know, she shop lifts, boohooo, someone give this woman a real role already. 

All in all? I highly recommend this movie. It scared the crap out of me, and I'm not easily scared. The thing is, throw ghosts my way, exorcist chicks, Christine O'Donnell, and I'll still sleep (relatively) soundly. However, sit me down with a good psychological mindfuck, and I'm rocking in the corner with my thumb in my mouth. Blood Simple directed by the Coen Brothers and Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment keep me up at night, not the boogeyman. In short, if you like lesbians, viciousness, and mindfucks, this is certainly a keeper. 

Top Five Badass Lesbian Flicks

TOP 5 BADASS LESBIAN FLICKS

Grindhouse/Planet Terror

In a good action movie, there's really nothing better than guns and girls. Especially when the girls are the ones wielding the guns in the bedroom. Thus, I created my top five list of great badass lesbian movies.

1. Bound (1996)

An early movie from the famed Wachowski brothers (The Matrix Trilogy), Bound is definitely the best lesbian thriller out there. Gina Gershon plays Corky, the soft butch plumber who's moved in next door to a mob boss (Joe Pantoliano) and his wife, Violet (Jennifer Tilly). Violet plays a seductive cat-and-mouse game with Corky and draws her into a plot to steal her husband's dirty money and run away. The movie creeps up in a slow but steady pace, building a very atmospheric tension which vibrates as the twisted plot unwinds. Bound is a straight up fantastic thriller in it's own right, definitely unique and daring. While Jennifer Tilly's baby voice occasionally rubs me the wrong way, she worked perfectly in this movie, straddling the line between innocent and dangerous. Not to mention, watching Violet fuck Corky as the other woman bites her finger to stave
off noises is definitely one of the hottest and
more tasteful lesbian sex scenes out there.

2. V For Vendetta (2006)

Image from Feminist Film.

V for Vendetta is a classic in its own right. Anarchy, an explosion of an England landmark, and an anti-hero who speaks mostly in Vs. There's little better. Yet, because this was a mainstream movie when it came out, I was surprised by the vital bit of lesbianness in it. Evey (Natalie Portman) finds herself trapped in a prison cell and uncovers a long letter written by another inmate. The inmate tells her life story, her struggles with her sexuality, her various lovers, and the way The Man targeted her simply because she loved another woman. The story is humanizing, realistic, and extremely touching. You can watch the full scene on youtube here or below:

3. Smokin' Aces (2006)

Image courtesy of movies.about

Alright. So I have various problems with this movie on a purely cinematic level. Mainly because it feels less like it's own movie and more like an American response to Guy Ritchie, and like many American adaptations, falls short of the real thing. However, this movie also has it's saving graces. One of which being the relationship between Georgia Sykes (Alicia Keys) and Sharice (Taraji P. Henson). They play two badass chicks who together make a killer assassin team (excuse the pun). One of the things I appreciate most about this relationship is how it enunciates a lesbian relationship most of Hollywood is unfamiliar with. They're black, they're "sisters", and one holds an unrequited attraction for the other. This isn't the male-centric women-on-women ideal that seems to have stepped straight out of a porno. They're gritty, complex, and ultimately tragic.

4. Planet Terror (2007)

Image from wiki

While Planet Terror is one of my personal all time favorites, it scraps the heels of Smokin' Aces simply for the fact that the lesbian subplot is a minor one. The zombie flick written and directed by Robert Rodriguez is done in the style of a 1970s drive-in grind house film, making it wonderfully gritty and campy. The stunningly period Marley Shelton plays Dr. Dakota Block, a closet lesbian married to the unstable and possessive Dr. Block (Josh Brolin). She attempts to run away from him with her lover, played by Fergie (also known as Boobsy McBoobs), but her plans are thwarted thanks to the zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately, there isn't a single scene between Dr. Dakota Block and her lover, however, there is some serious chemistry between the doctor and Rose Mcgowan's character. Also, as a sidenote, there is also the "Crazy Babysitter Twins" who have an ambiguous sexually. I think they're just Axe-sexual.

5. Mulholland Drive (2001)

Image courtesy of Strangeland

This one I feel kind of obligated to throw in there. I'm not quite sure what you'd classify this movie as. Thriller, drama, whatthefuckcrazy. Either way, this David Lynch classic is often one of the first movies that seems to come to mind when people scout for lesbian movies. To be perfectly honest, I didn't quite get the draw. But I definitely have to give this movie another chance, seeing as I've only seen it once and I think it's one of those things you definitely have to be in a patient mood for. Nonetheless, give me a little intimacy between Naomi Watts and Laura Harring and I'm really not complaining.

Finally, three movies that deserve an honorary mention. D.E.B.S., a campy lesbian spy movie, I've been told is amazing, though I have to confess to never have seeing it. Definitely putting that one up on my netflixs. Henry & June I feel deserves a mention for multiple reasons, even though it isn't exactly an action movie; possible thriller at very best, but even that is a stretch. It's the story of Anais Nin, the erotica writer of the early 1900s, and her twisted marriage. However, it has Uma Thurman and Maria de Mediros (Butch's girlfriend from Pulp Fiction) acting as lesbian lovers and features one of the sexiest scenes to burn the theatre screen. To push the point, it was the first film to replace the X rating with the NC-17 rating. And did I mention Uma Thurman has lesbian sex? Okay. Calming down. Finally, Black Swan is definitely one to look out for. It comes out on December 1st, and you can see the trailer here. It looks like a mindfuck, to say the least. And Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis kiss in the trailer. Well, I know where I'll be December 1st.

Lastly, just because Robert Rodriguez has all the eye candy, I leave you with this Machete promotional photo:

Thank God for twins.