And More White People.

TRAILER: WORLD WAR Z (2013)

Believe it or not, every now and then, I do actually pick up a book without pictures. In the quasi-recent past, one of those books was World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, penned by Max Brooks. And I loved that book. Loved the shit out of it. Made everyone I know read it, including my impossibly tolerant mother. Here's why World War Z rocked: it wasn't just a zombie book. Naturally, the living dead would have been enough to completely satisfy me. But what really made this book stand out from the rest was the fact that it was, more or less, a hypothetical, sociopolitical study of how different cultures would react to the end of the world. Completely fictional and, at points, mildly ridiculous (remember the Samurai?), but it was fascinating, imaginative, and different. 

At least, it was. Until the movie caught on. And maybe I'm jumping the gun. Hell, the movie hasn't even come out yet. But it's its anything like the trailer, it looks to me like more #whitepeopleproblems. Because, clearly, we do not have enough movies about nuclear, all-American white families with first world issues.

Like, O.M.G. Gag me with a spoon.

Really, this movie would've been a lot more dynamic if they'd just done "Bradgelina & Children Fight Zombies." They've got one from each country, right?

In short: this trailer better be misleading as hell, or I'm gonna be pissed.

Girls Kissing And...Whatever.

TRAILERS

There are a couple reasons I'll see a movie. If it has a good script, I'll see it. If it has a good director, I'll see it. If it has a lesbian Noomi Rapace, I'll see it. It's been a while since I've been completely, utterly shameless, so it's about that time again. Here are a couple movies I'm seeing, first and foremost, for the hotness factor:

TRAILER: PASSION (2012)

No words can describe my emotions. Probably because my brain fell somewhere between my legs. Is this real life?

DREDD 3D (2012)

I love Lena Headey much more than I should after the failure that was the Terminator TV series. Still. She's fucking Lena Headey. Your argument is invalid. 

Fasten Your Bib And Your Seatbelt

TRAILERS

Excited hamster plotting hands.

It's been a while since I've foamed at the mouth over trailers, so I think it's about time that shit happened again. There are quite a few really, really fucking epic movies coming out and I've got to pay tribute to them. In no particular order...

SKYFALL (2012)

November 9th

This. THIS. New James Bond trailer. And I just...I can't handle it. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for this new installment of Craig's Bond. Did we love Casino Royale? Yes, yes, we did. But I am so ready for that whole little Vesper saga to be over. And now it is. Skyfall FEELS like a Bond movie. It feels like we're return to our roots--we've got Q., we've got lots of Bond girls, we've got snarky comebacks and barbed wit.

BULLET IN THE FACE (2012)

August 16th & 17th on IFC

Here's the thing. I have always loved Eddie Izzard. I loved him when he was in drag doing standup. I loved him in the show The Riches, cut short before it's time. I even sat through All The Queen's Men for him. So now that he's going to be in a bloodthirsty, shameless miniseries alongside Eric Roberts? I'm there. I'm so there.

THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS (2012)

November 2nd

It's going to be very, very hard for this movie to disappoint me. It looks visually stunning, exceptionally violent, and it's going to have a very badass soundtrack a la RZA. Tarantino endorses it, so I've got a lot of faith in it. And I'm pleasantly surprised that Russell Crowe signed on for his one--finally, Russell Crowe as something other than the tragic hero!

TAKEN 2 (2012)

October 3rd

So I saw the first Taken and highly enjoyed it. Was it my favorite movie? No, not particularly. But it was a solid, well-done movie, and I had fun. But that's not why I'm ridiculously fucking excited about this movie. I'm ridiculously fucking excited about this movie because Liam Neeson is becoming a full-fledged action hero. The man is 60 years old and he's reinventing himself as a badass fucking action hero. Sure, he's done an action movie here and there, but Bryan Mills could very well be his Jason Bourne or John McClane. I love Liam Neeson more than anything and if he keeps churning out movies like these, I'm going to have to get out my chisel and carve him into my Mt. Rushmore of action heroes. 

JACK REACHER (2012)

December 21st

What? Wait. I'm confused. What's happening? Who am I? Where am I?

....Can I watch this trailer again just to hear that car growl? 

FAST AND FURIOUS 6 (2013)

???

This bit of Fast And Furious love came directly from a fellow BAMF, Melissa at Movie411. I'm not going to even try to reiterate how epic this is, because she did a good job of it. However. The rumors so far claim that both Michelle Rodriguez and Gina Carano are in this one. I think I had a dream the other night that went something like this...

BOND IS BACK!

Rejoice and be merry! Shit just got real. I'm so excited, I have no words. None. Just watch, enjoy, and repeat until November. 

Upcoming Attractions: 2012

UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS: 2012

Everyone here? Checking...one...two...no one dead yet? No Mayan zombies walking the earth? Okay, good. In that case, here's a couple movies I need to see before those undead Mesoamerican bastards start breaking skulls.

Contraband (January 13th): What can I say? I have a soft spot for Marky Mark. And it just looks like a shit ton of fun. I'll check it out.

Haywire (January 20th): There is currently nothing greater than my excitement for this movie.

Red Tails (January 20th): As a die-hard fan of Star Wars, the Original Trilogy, I'll be the first to say it: fuck George Lucas.

The Grey (January 27th): To be brutally honest, I probably won't be spending money for this one. Even if he has a kickass knuckle weapon. But I love Liam Neeson, so. Represent.

Man On A Ledge (January 27th): What can I say? This looks good like Phone Booth (2002) was good--over the top ridiculous, but a genuinely enjoyable rainy day action flick.

Safe House (February 10th): So I have a very hard time taking Ryan Reynolds seriously. However. I'm liking the concept of Denzel Washington as a creepy, psychopathic bastard. I'm intrigued.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D (February 10th): Never before have I been so convinced that the devil existed, because only he would be sadistic enough to put all the things in this world I hate in one flaming bag of crap. Faith in humanity plummeting.

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance (February 17th): So...here's there thing. I hated the first one. I regret spending money for it. And for that reason, I'm not going to see this in theaters. However...I will admit it. This look 100 times better than the first one. And after seeing the directors talk about it at Comic Con...well. They hated the first one too, which is why they decided to take over the franchise. Their heart's in the right place, I'll give them that. I probably still won't see it, though.

The Hunger Games (March 23rd): Since this book is aimed for morbid 13 year olds, I checked it out. It's basically a tame version of Battle Royale (2000). With an edge of futuristic dystopian badassitry. And Woody Harrelson. Which means I'm there.

Wrath Of The Titans (March 30th): Another Worthington action movie? Yep. It's going to suck. And yep, I'll be there to watch it suck.

The Cabin In The Woods (April 13th): If Joss Whedon wrote a movie based off the Oxford English Dictionary, I would see it. So. I'll be seeing this bitch.

MS One: Maximum Security (April 20th): So ever since Lost, I will never be able to take Maggie Grace seriously. Luckily, this movie begs not to be taken seriously, which is really major draw of it.

Safe (April 27th): I will repeat what I said to Ty after he informed me of this trailer: GOD FUCKING DAMN. Jason Statham can do no very little wrong.

The Avengers (May 4th): Everyone and their mothers are seeing this movie. So yeah. This one.

Prometheus (June 8th): I think this trailer just got me pregnant.

The Dark Knight Rises (July 20th): Batman is cool. But Batman has never been quite this cool. I swear, every time they make another movie, this franchise just keeps getting better. You rock on with your bad self,  Patrick Bateman.

The Expendables 2 (August 17th): Without a doubt, my masochistic movie of the year.

The Gangster Squad (October 19th): Between the cast, the description, and the title alone...I'm already weak in the knees for some good old fashioned gangster action.

Skyfall (November 9th): Hyperventilation commences...

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (December 14th): ...Am I supposed to have shooting pains up my left arm or...?

Django Unchained (December 25th): ...Okay...someone call a doctor...or Winston The Wolf...

Basically...I'm just going to set up a tent and Occupy my movie theater. This year is going to be so. Fucking. Badass.

This Is Me At My Most Masochistic.

I hate it. 

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. 

I wonder what would be the appropriate time to preorder my opening night ticket?

Coming To A Theater Near You!

Upcoming Attractions

It's that time again. Time to drag out a bunch of upcoming trailers and see if there's anything worthwhile coming up in the near and/or distant future. It's like fantasy football, except you're almost always bound to be disappointed with the results.

1. I needed this in my life yesterday.

HAYWIRE.
Thank Melissa for this one. I saw the trailer and just about wet myself. The cast is excellent, the premise sticks to one of those if-it-ain't-broke-don't-fix-it formulas, and the main character is a badass fucking chick out for blood. I need say no more.

2. Shut your face--I'M FUCKING PUMPED.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4.
I can't fucking wait. Does it matter that I haven't seen the last Mission Impossible movies in years? No, no it doesn't. Because the action looks killer, the cast is fantastic, and what can I say, I like Tom Cruise when he's being himself--a complete and utter tool. Even if he has the most ridiculous run known to mad kind. I'm there.

FRIGHT NIGHT.
Anton Yelchin? David Tennant? Toni Collette? I'll admit--even Colin Farrell, even though he's a completely hit or miss actor (owned his role in In Bruges (2008), then ad-libbed the rest of his career, what gives?). Let's just hope this is a hit. I will add that I've never seen the original Fright Night (1985), so I have zero reason yet to hate this movie on principle.

3. It's a toss up.

IN TIME.
Alright. The thing is, I would be so fucking stoked for this movie. If Inception (2010) didn't already exist. I know its a faulty comparison, but. Eh. There's just something that doesn't click. I'll probably end up seeing it anyway.

30 MINUTES OR LESS.
Like the action, like the actors, like the comedy. Dislike paying $11.00 for it. I'll probably wait for a rental.

SHARK 3D.
I can't wait to get wasted and wake up with this ticket stub, a lemur, and Zach Gallifinakis lying in bed next to me going: "What the hell happened last night?"

4. I was with you until the title.

PLANET OF THE APES.
Self explanatory.

BATTLESHIP.
I just started laughing. It was all I could do. It was laugh or cry, really.

TRAILER: The Debt.

TRAILER: The Debt

So I went to see Hanna (2011) last night, and I'll get a proper post out about it as soon as I can pick my jaw up off the floor. With that said, awesome movies usually have awesome trailers, and I saw one that definitely stayed with me. Nazis? Check. Old school espionage? Check. Tom Wilkinson? Check. I'm so there.

Biggest Cocktease Since Dita Von

HOWLIN' FOR YOU

I wish I could tell you this movie was coming to a theater near you. I wish I could tell you that I'm going to be there, ticket in hand, opening night. Unfortunately, all I can tell you is that it's an epic fucking music video, and a giant tease of a faux-movie trailer. But hey. It can happen. Can I hear it for Machete (2010)? But maybe I'm just overreacting in a Battlestar Galactica sort of way. The world may never know. Either way, you all may now share my pain.

TRAILERS: Hanna/Priest

TRAILER: Hanna

Saoirse Ronan as Hanna.

Since it's been a while since I've frothed at the mouth over a trailer, I thought I'd stick in two that've peaked my interest. Starting with Hanna, staring Saoirse Ronan (also known as the fanfuckingtastic girl in Lovely Bones (2009)), Eric Bana (who's just always amazing), and Cate Blanchett (who I've finally stopped calling Galadriel). Clearly, this isn't exactly a kids movie, but it does kind of ring in the tune of a young adult novel, what with the main character being a young girl (or maybe I just read too many violent young adult novels when I was little). And frankly, it's nice for kids to have that sort of image up. I'm not saying "Yay, let's show our children how to be violent!" but rather, I like the fact that it's a young woman taking control of her life and going on this "adventure" of sorts all on her own. It's the same reason I'm admittedly psyched for Sucker Punch. It's about time we let women, especially young women, in on the little secret that they can kick as much ass as the big boys, and they don't have to put out to do it. 

TRAILER: Priest

The second trailers rings a bit of a different tune. Priest is yet another graphic-novel-turned-movie, so there's no way they can go wrong, right? Right? Well, so far, I don't see how it can disappoint. Priests, those sweet little holy men, kicking major vampire ass? Rock on. I'm there. Plus, finally we have have vampires that are--god forbid--scary! These aren't your pretty sparkly vampires who are only interested in repeating high school for three hundred years because they're too fucking stupid to even get into college at least. These vampires are mean, ugly, unholy beasts of the underworld. Plus, Paul Bettany? Karl Urban? Cam Gigandet? Paul Bettany? How could this NOT be good? The actors are great, the action looks great, and the world looks really fleshed out and believable. I'm so there.

My only problem is the 3D bit. If I can find it in 2D, I'm snagging that viewing. Because I'm so damn tired of 3D. I don't know how many of you live in New York, but it's $18 here. That's right. $18. I could student rush a Broadway show for just about that much. Plus, 3D does absolutely nothing to me except occasionally make me dizzy since I'm one of those sit-in-the-front-row types. Honestly, if you don't have the imagination to picture this vast, creative world without having it stick out at you like a pop-up book, why are you going to the movies? Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm really just riding out the craze at this point.

Upcoming Attractions For 2011.

UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS

I know. I almost cried when 2010 was over too. But there is hope! 2011 is officially here, folks, and it looks like it's going to be a good year for conspiracy theories, CIA plots, and lots, and lots of little green men from outer-space. Prepare to get spacey. I give you the trailers worth watching of 2011, in order of release date. The ones I'm head-over-heels in love with already and will definitely see no matter what have (*) symbols in front of them.

*The Green Hornet. (Jan 14th) I've basically ranted my head off about this movie already. There's nothing more to say except: I will most probably see everything that comes out this year with Christoph Waltz in it. That is all.

The Mechanic. (Jan 28th) So I won't actually be waiting in the rain for days for this one. But a hitman revenge story is always a good thing. Double points if it has Jason Statham in it.

The Rite. (Jan 28th) Because who doesn't love a good devil-meets-girl movie? Especially when fucking Anthony Hopkins is in it. He'll eat your soul with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Unknown. (Feb 18th) Very The Fugitive. So glad Liam Neeson is getting roles as the badass he is. I've loved him as an action movie actor ever since Hannibal, and I'm glad he's actually getting paid just to be his awesome self.

*Drive Angry. (Feb 25th) I cannot even begin to express how fucking excited I am for this movie. The Grindhouse style voice over in the fucking trailer, the clever and yet ridiculous dialogue, the campy characters, the comedic yet intimidating bad guy, Nic Cage being a BAMF...I think my ovaries just exploded all over the place. "What's he gonna do...not let me back in?" I need this. In my life. Now.

The Adjustment Bureau. (March 4th) So Matt Damon isn't my favorite person ever, but this looks like it has the potential to be interesting. Inception meets The Matrix meets...I don't know what? If I run out of things to see, this looks like it wouldn't be a complete waste of time.

*Battle: Los Angeles. (March 11th) Definitely wins freakiest fucking trailer so far. Apparently, tis the year for aliens. But really. The music. I'm simultaneously scared for my life and hot for Michelle Rodriguez.

*Sucker Punch. (March 25th) I'm not going to lie, it took me a moment to warm up to this one. I mean, Vanessa Hudgens, Emily Browning? Aren't these teenybopper kids? But...I can't deny it, it looks badass. And, as my girlfriend pointed out, it would be good for them to be able to shed the teenybopper status and actually show that girls can really be cool without worrying about looking like real life Barbie Dolls. It's about time young girls got some real rolemodels.

Source Code. (April 15th) Ah, my favorite gay cowboy. And it just so happens that I love Michelle Monaghan, who I don't think many people are very familiar with but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang anyone? It's an interesting concept, let's see if it pans out.

Fast Five. (June 10th) I don't want to want this. I really, really don't. The first Fast And Furious movie was fun for what it was. But after that they went to shit and I just stopped paying attention. Well. This movie had the balls to catch my attention. Crap.

*Cowboys and Aliens. (July 29th) Another one I've been wetting myself like a baby over. I don't really know what to say about it except that it kills me. Every time. I'm blow away the the sheer awesomeness of it. 

Fair Game. (Nov 5th) They're really milking this one, releasing the trailer almost a year in advance [edit: I am a fucking retard, this movie game out Nov 5th...2010. No wonder! Scratch this one off your to-see list, but maybe add to the to-rent list?]. It's one of those political scam movies, which I'm not a big fan of. I had a hard time even giving Bourne Identity a chance, which I know makes me a bad action movie lover. But I do like Sean Penn? I might find a reason to see this movie eventually.

Alright. So there's a lot of conspiracy theory/aliens/alternate reality mumbojumbo this year. But you know what? I'm not complaining. It looks pretty fucking awesome. And I'm sure come summer we'll get a slew of good old fashioned kick-in-the-teeth nail-gun-to-the-head actions movies with bang and breasts. And I can't fucking wait.

TRAILER: Cowboys And Aliens

TRAILER: Cowboys And Aliens

http://i.telegraph.co.uk

The title is almost all you need to jump up and down on your mattress springs in pure, unadulterated glee. Okay. Number one. It has cowboys. And, like, not this new-fangled kind of angsty gritty cowboy thing the Coen Brothers cooked up and everyone else seems to have taken a liking to. No, this is old school, double-saloon doors squeaking while a stray tumbleweed rolls down the dusty prairie floor. And if it couldn't get any better, there are aliens. ALIENS. All I needed were fucking Ninjas and I would've died on the spot. Maybe the Aliens are also Ninjas? Who knows! 

But to be serious about it. The best part of this whole thing is the casting. Olivia Wilde, okay, I kind of liked her better before House M.D. to be perfectly honest, even though I have nothing against House, I was addicted to that show for a few good years. But I'm willing to let her blow me away again. Daniel Craig, I love. Harrison Ford, yes please. Harrison Ford, just to elaborate, deserves this role. He really, really does. Because he's a fucking good actor. And I know, I know, age did not treat him well. He's not the hot hunk of a man he used to be. But you know what? I'm sorry he didn't get 1,000 plastic surgery operations to make himself look like a walking piece of a wax museum. But his ruggish looks were only half the joy of watching him. He really sold us with his genuine great acting skills. Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Rick Deckard--these are classic fucking characters. Character that defined the cinematic world as we know it. And what roles is he getting these days? Some grumpy news anchor in the romcom Morning Glory? Are you shitting me? It's about fucking time he got a role in which he could be his true badass self once again. Oh, but the best part? The BEST part??? And this part I'm really way too excited for. Are you ready? Really ready? It's going to be legen...wait for it...James Bond and Indiana Jones are going to be in the same fucking movie!!! All my wishes have been granted. Next life please. 

Jon Favreau is directing. Steven Spielberg's fingers of awesome are in this pie. It's based off a comic book, which means it automatically has to be the shit. I'm so excited I could behead ten kittens on the spot.

TRAILER: The Green Hornet.

TRAILER: The Green Hornet

Alright. So here's the thing. I know little to nothing about the Green Hornet. Didn't read the comic books, didn't watch the series, didn't even wiki the man when I saw the movie was coming out. Like I said, little to nothing. Which I actually consider a privilege because it means I'm probably going to be the only one enjoying this movie while all the Green Hornet fans cry tears of rage as Seth Rogen's ridiculous chuckle sucks their souls out of their bodies. Even I, knowing nothing about said Green Hornet, was stumped by the casting of Seth Rogen as a superhero. Frankly, I like the guy. I do. I think he's funny in a Pineapple Express kind of way. And I know I'm not going to take him seriously at all during this movie. But I don't think the movie begs to be taken seriously. In fact, I think it looks like a hell of a lot of fun. And I'm more amused than anything that an wholly average looking guy such as Seth Rogen is cast as some bad-boy lady killer. Like, what? Really? Hey, props to Hollywood. It's about time Brad Pitt stopped getting tail and the normal looking people actually started getting some of the action. I also love Tom Wilkinson (even though it looks like he's only going to be in the movie for a depressingly short period of time--why?? Don't they know how fucking badass he is? Haven't they seen Rocknrolla?), and Jay Chou as Kato looks like he's going to be extremely amusing. 

Nonetheless, I didn't write this post for Seth Rogen, Wilkinson, or Chou. Hell, I didn't write it for The Green Hornet. I wrote it for Christoph Waltz, everyone's favorite Nazi, and the fact that every 2 seconds he was on screen in that commercial I wet myself a little more. He's BADFUCKINGASS. In everything he does. Seriously. I couldn't get enough of Christoph Waltz if I tried. Thank you, Tarantino, for bringing this man to America! Yes, Hollywood kills, and Christoph Waltz, my dear friend, in a couple years I'm afraid they'll condescend your acting skills and bill you alongside Cameron Diaz in some--oh, wait. Cameron Diaz is in this movie? Yikes. Sorry bro. The point is...Christoph Waltz. If you look up Badass in the dictionary, I do not doubt that you will find his face. 

On another note, the action looks really fucking cool. Really. I'm psyched for the action sequences in this movie. It's about time we had something that was pure, unapologetic fun. And, with that, here's the Christoph Waltz. I mean, here's the trailer: 

Now That's What I'm Talking About

TRAILER: The Walking Dead

A Zombie TV series? There is a God. And his name is AMC. If you haven't seen the trailer for The Walking Dead, watch it now. And then pause, drink in the baddassitry that was what you just witnessed, and watch it another ten times. The plot line is incredible, the zombies are scary as shit, and the characters look really well drawn. I don't know why no one thought to do a zombie series like this sooner. There's really an unlimited amount of material and character development that you can play with in a zombie movie, since it brings so many different people together just trying to survive. The cast looks just plain amazing. How good is it, you might ask? The first episode hasn't aired and they've already got it booked for another season. Yeah. It's that good. I know where I'm going to be Halloween night.