Top Ten Killer Directors.

TOP TEN KILLER DIRECTORS

Anyone who reads through my movie ramblings is going to notice there are certain directors who I compare just about everything to. Names that pop up, movies, styles...so I figured it was about time I lay out some of my ground work. And so, I give you the badasses behind the badass movies; my top ten killer directors:

10. Steven Spielberg.

"I dream for a living." 

Why we love him: his extensive imagination, his timeless characters, his elaborate worlds.

Classics: Indiana Jones (1981-89), Jussassic Park (1993), Schindler's List (1993).

9. Christopher Nolan. 

"I think audiences get too comfortable and familiar in today's movies. They believe everything they're hearing and seeing. I like to shake that up."

Why we love him: his mindfucks. 

Classics: Memento (2000), The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010).

8. Francis Ford Coppola. 

"My film is not a movie; it's not about Vietnam. It is Vietnam."

Why we love him: his epics, his movies we can't refuse.  

Classics: The Godfather (1972), Apocalypse Now (1979).

7. The Wachowski Brothers. 

"One of the things we had talked about...was an idea that I believe philosophy and religion and mathematics all try to answer. Which is a reconciling between a natural world and another world that is perceived by our intellect."

Why we love them: the way they have us leaving the theater wondering what the fuck just happened. 

Classics: Bound (1996), The Matrix (1999).

6. Martin Scorsese.

"Cinema is a matter of what's in the frame and what's out."

Why we love him: his command of suspense, the powerful way he wields silence.

Classics: Taxi Driver (1976), Goodfellas (1990), The Departed (2006), Shutter Island (2010).

5. The Coen Brothers.

"He does most of the typing." "Yeah, I usually type, because I type better. It's incredibly informal. I mean, us writing is basically just us sitting around in a room, moping for hours." 

Why we love them: their black humor, their lovable characters, their absurd sense of reality.

Classics: Blood Simple (1984), Fargo (1996), The Big Lebowski (1998). 

4. Stanley Kubrick.

"A film is--or should be--more like music than like fiction. It should be a progression of moods and feelings."

Why we love him: his twisted imagination, his ability to make us cringe at humanity.

Classics: Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb (1964), 2001: Space Odyssey (1968), A Clockwork Orange (1971).

Fight Now, Cry Later.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996)

Image snagged from HDWarez

In the spirit of October being Halloween month, I think it's about time I got some motherfucking monster movies under my belt. And so, I begin with one of my favorites: the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino mash up From Dusk Till Dawn. As someone who watches movies, well, for the movie, I feel it's my duty to give you a preface for all those who haven't seen this. If you haven't seen From Dusk Till Dawn and have very little idea what it's about, DON'T READ THIS REVIEW. In fact, don't read ANY reviews. Don't read reviews, or descriptions, don't even watch the trailer. My experience with this movie runs like this: I went to the video store (ah, the age of actually physically holding movies in your hand before you take them home), saw Quentin Tarantino's name on the cover, and popped it in my player. I jumped into the movie without any idea with what it was about. And so, as it took off, I invested myself in the criminals-on-the-run aspect. In the hostage situation. In the two sets of characters the story runs with. And then, halfway through, once they're at the Titty Twister and the movie turns into a...well...completely and utterly different genre, I was caught totally off guard. And fucking loved it. So, this is the last time I'll say it, if you're still reading and you haven't seem this movie, what's wrong with you? The time to stop starts here.

Movie poster from impawards.com

Now. All the rest of you ramblers. Let's get rambling. This movie in my mind is a Grindhouse pre-Grindhouse. It's Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's first real badass baby (not counting Tarantino's segment in Four Rooms, while that was badass in it's own right, wasn't so much a feature film). It's proof that the two really should never stop making movies together. The first half is pure Tarantino. The long stretches of seemingly casual conversation, perfect character studies condensed into a single flowing conversation, layered with a building tension or a sudden dramatic twist. The beginning shot with the Texas Ranger (who cares if Michael Parks is typecasted in every Tarantino movie? He's fucking gold) is a perfect example of what seems to be simple conversation, layered suddenly with the threat of the Gecko Brother's entrance. 

While George Clooney usually makes it impossible NOT to love him, this is hands down my favorite of his roles (yes, even better than Ocean's 13). Seth Gecko is a cool cat; he's intimidating, but trustworthy, and he's got a cool as fuck tattoo. He's the one person you don't want to fuck with, yet at the same time you can't help but want to be his friend. It's no surprise that someone who could pull off that role would land the spot of a retranslated Odysseus in the Coen Brother's O, Brother, Where Art Thou?. His charisma demands the attention of every scene. At the same time, Quentin surprisingly matches Clooney's performance, as Seth's twisted and paranoid brother Richie Gecko. Tarantino seems to have an uncanny knack for playing uncontrollable rapists. I'm not sure whether I should be worried. Nonetheless, the two have an amazing chemistry, especially delivered when Richie takes advantage of the hostage, leaving Seth to rub his nose in it (sidenote: the splicing of the hostage's body with Seth's repulsed expression? Chills. And it's hard to freak me out).

On the flip side, we have the Partridge Family. Harvey Keitel plays Jacob, the "Mean Motherfucking Servant Of God" preacher who's lost his faith after the death of his wife. As usual, Keitel delivers, quiet but calculating, the voice of reason in every situation. After the Wolf, Jacob, and Mr. White, if Keitel told me to jump a bridge, I'd jump it. Jacob is taking care of his two kids, Kate (played by a young Juliette Lewis) and his adopted chinese son Scott (played by Ernest Liu who, unsurprisingly, did not go on to be a star, but to his credit, he gave the role everything it required). This family of three gets turned upside down once they have a run in with the Gecko brothers and are forced to help them down past the border of Mexico. 

This is NOT a psycho.

Lo and behold, halfway through the movie, the trailer tugs on passed the border and the odd group reaches the Titty Twister. And the story's over and everyone lives happily ever after. Right. Right? Wrong. Rodriguez steps in. And suddenly, what was an amazing fucking crime movie about dodging the cops and holding hostages turns into an amazing fucking vampire/creature/whateverthefuckthosethingsare movie. Rodriguez comes in campy, twisted, and bloody as the smoking hot strippers suddenly turn the tables on the wolf-eyed men--prey eats predator. It's, in my mind, the perfect combination: Rodriguez gives us a full strip tease delivered by none other than the beautiful Salma Hayek (with a SNAKE. C'mon, people), and then returns favor to the ladies who rip the power back from the men between their bloody fangs. The vampires are savage, brutal, and disgusting--they won't lift their pinky fingers as they sip blood from crystal glasses or sparkle in the sunlight. These blood thirsty bastards are straight up classic vampire--they burn when sunlight hits them, they're wary of crosses, they turn into bats, and they're straight up Nosferatu ugly. These vampires will not be your friends and they will not be your lovers. In fact, Seth Gecko offers the best advice anyone has ever given in a creature film when he says: "fight now, cry later!"

With great actors, a great script, and to top it all off, a great soundtrack (Tito & Tarantula, the band from the Titty Twister, match the tone of movie beautifully), it's very hard for this movie not to make anyone's favorite's list. Do yourself a favor and rewatch it this Halloween. 

Top Five Badass Lesbian Flicks

TOP 5 BADASS LESBIAN FLICKS

Grindhouse/Planet Terror

In a good action movie, there's really nothing better than guns and girls. Especially when the girls are the ones wielding the guns in the bedroom. Thus, I created my top five list of great badass lesbian movies.

1. Bound (1996)

An early movie from the famed Wachowski brothers (The Matrix Trilogy), Bound is definitely the best lesbian thriller out there. Gina Gershon plays Corky, the soft butch plumber who's moved in next door to a mob boss (Joe Pantoliano) and his wife, Violet (Jennifer Tilly). Violet plays a seductive cat-and-mouse game with Corky and draws her into a plot to steal her husband's dirty money and run away. The movie creeps up in a slow but steady pace, building a very atmospheric tension which vibrates as the twisted plot unwinds. Bound is a straight up fantastic thriller in it's own right, definitely unique and daring. While Jennifer Tilly's baby voice occasionally rubs me the wrong way, she worked perfectly in this movie, straddling the line between innocent and dangerous. Not to mention, watching Violet fuck Corky as the other woman bites her finger to stave
off noises is definitely one of the hottest and
more tasteful lesbian sex scenes out there.

2. V For Vendetta (2006)

Image from Feminist Film.

V for Vendetta is a classic in its own right. Anarchy, an explosion of an England landmark, and an anti-hero who speaks mostly in Vs. There's little better. Yet, because this was a mainstream movie when it came out, I was surprised by the vital bit of lesbianness in it. Evey (Natalie Portman) finds herself trapped in a prison cell and uncovers a long letter written by another inmate. The inmate tells her life story, her struggles with her sexuality, her various lovers, and the way The Man targeted her simply because she loved another woman. The story is humanizing, realistic, and extremely touching. You can watch the full scene on youtube here or below:

3. Smokin' Aces (2006)

Image courtesy of movies.about

Alright. So I have various problems with this movie on a purely cinematic level. Mainly because it feels less like it's own movie and more like an American response to Guy Ritchie, and like many American adaptations, falls short of the real thing. However, this movie also has it's saving graces. One of which being the relationship between Georgia Sykes (Alicia Keys) and Sharice (Taraji P. Henson). They play two badass chicks who together make a killer assassin team (excuse the pun). One of the things I appreciate most about this relationship is how it enunciates a lesbian relationship most of Hollywood is unfamiliar with. They're black, they're "sisters", and one holds an unrequited attraction for the other. This isn't the male-centric women-on-women ideal that seems to have stepped straight out of a porno. They're gritty, complex, and ultimately tragic.

4. Planet Terror (2007)

Image from wiki

While Planet Terror is one of my personal all time favorites, it scraps the heels of Smokin' Aces simply for the fact that the lesbian subplot is a minor one. The zombie flick written and directed by Robert Rodriguez is done in the style of a 1970s drive-in grind house film, making it wonderfully gritty and campy. The stunningly period Marley Shelton plays Dr. Dakota Block, a closet lesbian married to the unstable and possessive Dr. Block (Josh Brolin). She attempts to run away from him with her lover, played by Fergie (also known as Boobsy McBoobs), but her plans are thwarted thanks to the zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately, there isn't a single scene between Dr. Dakota Block and her lover, however, there is some serious chemistry between the doctor and Rose Mcgowan's character. Also, as a sidenote, there is also the "Crazy Babysitter Twins" who have an ambiguous sexually. I think they're just Axe-sexual.

5. Mulholland Drive (2001)

Image courtesy of Strangeland

This one I feel kind of obligated to throw in there. I'm not quite sure what you'd classify this movie as. Thriller, drama, whatthefuckcrazy. Either way, this David Lynch classic is often one of the first movies that seems to come to mind when people scout for lesbian movies. To be perfectly honest, I didn't quite get the draw. But I definitely have to give this movie another chance, seeing as I've only seen it once and I think it's one of those things you definitely have to be in a patient mood for. Nonetheless, give me a little intimacy between Naomi Watts and Laura Harring and I'm really not complaining.

Finally, three movies that deserve an honorary mention. D.E.B.S., a campy lesbian spy movie, I've been told is amazing, though I have to confess to never have seeing it. Definitely putting that one up on my netflixs. Henry & June I feel deserves a mention for multiple reasons, even though it isn't exactly an action movie; possible thriller at very best, but even that is a stretch. It's the story of Anais Nin, the erotica writer of the early 1900s, and her twisted marriage. However, it has Uma Thurman and Maria de Mediros (Butch's girlfriend from Pulp Fiction) acting as lesbian lovers and features one of the sexiest scenes to burn the theatre screen. To push the point, it was the first film to replace the X rating with the NC-17 rating. And did I mention Uma Thurman has lesbian sex? Okay. Calming down. Finally, Black Swan is definitely one to look out for. It comes out on December 1st, and you can see the trailer here. It looks like a mindfuck, to say the least. And Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis kiss in the trailer. Well, I know where I'll be December 1st.

Lastly, just because Robert Rodriguez has all the eye candy, I leave you with this Machete promotional photo:

Thank God for twins.

You've Just Fucked With The Wrong Mexican.

MACHETE (2010)

Image from http://screenrant.com/

The first time I saw the trailer for Machete sliced in between the films Planet Terror and Death Proof as part of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's Grindhouse, I could already feel the rush of pure testosterone energy running through my veins. The wildly exaggerated explosions, the gritty hero, and the final image of him pressed up between two woman--it was a cinematic masterpiece in it's own right. And so when they announced that they had plans to turn the trailer into a feature length movie, like everyone else, I was thrilled. But then came the problem that every movie inevitable faces: would it be possible to unravel a couple minutes of contained machismo into an equally badass feature length film?

The film starts off promising. The grimy feel of a grindhouse flick balanced out the beginning sequence perfectly: the characters took their quests, and themselves, seriously, even though they were locked into a hyper-realistic world. The comedy was subtle--reflected in the too-perfect delivery of their lines and the unstoppable kickassitry that dug its claws into the character of Machete (played by the forever underrated Danny Trejo).

As it progressed, however, the comedy became more obvious, less subtle. Machete at times felt like an anachronism: the dirty 70s hero surrounded by modern equipment and a modern brand of humor. To his credit, Rodriguez occasionally acknowledged the discrepancy, such as a scene in which Machete is chastised for neglecting to use his cellphone and claims: "Machete don't text". Younger characters, such as the two "Mexican" punks from Luz's (Michelle Rodriguez) crew who look a little whishy-washy standing next to the hulk of Machete, also worked to point out this gap and add a color of humor to it.

Movie poster from Flickr

However, it's hard to chastise a movie which constantly pleads for it's audience to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fucking ride. Rodriguez's black humor knocks a couple viewers' jaws open when he finds more than interesting ways to turn kitchen appliances, lawn machines, and human body parts into weapons. The excessive gore goes hand in hand with the excessive sex, which incites a chord of 70s-style porn music every time Machete gets it on and yet somehow only seems to get funnier as the movie progresses.

The best part of the movie, hands down, was the performances of the actors. Michelle Rodriguez sold with her take-no-prisoners attitude, and the intimate close ups of her killer body were definitely one of the more lingering memories of the movie. My only problem with her character was there was not enough of her, especially towards the end in which her badassitry could've been pushed even further and really given a chance to shine. Any excuse for Michelle Rodriguez to continue to strut around half naked with an eye patch and a machine gun. Jeff Fahey, yet another Lost actor aboard the movie, was everything a Rodriguez-style bad guy needed to be--down to the exaggerated deep growl of his voice. He embodied the character of a sadistic, backstabbing, yet often cowardly villain, igniting the scene during his moment in the church with Cheech Marin. Cheech Marin--yet another underrated actor--played Machete's brother and the slightly wayward priest. It was easy to fall in love with his character as his comedic timing sold every line. Robert De Niro played an excellent senator who deep down really just wanted to be a cowboy (gee, I wonder who he was playing off of!). Someone to look out for: Shea Whigham ran an excellent bad guy as Jeff Fahey's right hand man, with a badassitry that almost was on par with Pike from the A Team. Like Michelle Rodriguez, my only problem with his character was that he didn't seem to stick around long enough.

Steven Seagal was, in the end, Steven Seagal, which is not a bad thing to be. Lindsay Lohan, however, was also simply Lindsay Lohan, and while her chemistry worked well with Jeff Fahey, it was still slightly jarring to see the teen pop actress trying to hold her own (credit where credit's due--Lindsay Lohan could have been much worse, she certainly was no Hannah Montana). Last and probably least, Jesssica Alba played a lukewarm performance--while her character was fun as a materialistic, thickskulled, hardheaded woman in the beginning, her transformation during the movie felt somewhat implausible.

Lastly, while I've said the movie should not, under any circumstances, be taken seriously, I think that it had a great message about the "problem" of immigration that America faces today. Point being: don't fuck with the Mexicans. They are humans too, they deserve to be in this country just as much (if not more than) anyone else, and they have Machete on their side. End of lesson.

Things to remember while going to see this movie: it doesn't want you to take it seriously. It doesn't need your political correctness. All it wants is for you to have a dirty, gory, grimy fun time. Enjoy.