BAMF Of The Week: Michelle Rodriguez

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

"Bitch isn't standing now."

Michelle Rodriguez is the prime example of typecasting done right. Can she play the weepy love interest, the damsel in distress, the quirky romcom pixie girl? Maybe she can, but if she doesn't have a gun in her hand, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. The thing is, we don't have enough actresses who will play the "masculine roles" just as good as the guys (and occasionally even better). Most actresses these days play eye candy or a guy's version of a kickass woman (also known as...useless eye candy). Rodriguez, however, manages to be easy on the eyes and knocks the guys on their asses every time. She's somehow managed to make it through Hollywood as a attractive woman without getting defined by how good looking she is. For that alone, my hat is off to her. She's short, she's hot as hell, and she can tear you apart with her bare hands. Tiny woman haven't been so badass since Leia Organa. I would say more about her, but I'm starting to salivate. Next question. 

Best films: She served up tacos with a side of justice in Machete (2010), she played one of the saving graces in Avatar (2009), kicked ass with the dudes in Resident Evil (2002), and finally revved up some hell in The Fast and the Furious (2001). Lastly, I haven't seen Battle LA (2011), so I've got nothing to say about that one. 

Worst films: Blue Crush (2002). Enough said. She also played one of the most irritating characters in Lost (2005-10), so while the show was great for her to be on, the writers just...can't write women for the life of them.

Best moments: Honestly, it's very hard to beat this.

Best quote: "Well, could you really imagine me playing the girlfriend that needs rescuing? Or the girlfriend?"

Upcoming films: Apart for a couple sequels, she's lined up to be alongside Al Pacino in Hands of Stone (2012), a boxing movie (yay, typecasting), and for a movie called Underground Comedy (2011). I'd look forward to seeing her in a comedy, except Rob Schneider's in it and his presence hasn't boded well for the last ten movies he's been in. 

2010.

2010 IN REVIEW

Ah, the end of the year. Time to reminisce over a year of some good mindfucks and some very bad buttfucks. In short, I think we can dub this the year in which all was not quite what it seemed: critics liked movies they couldn't understand, Leonado Dicaprio wouldn't stop killing his kids, and that which should have been awesome sucked major balls. And so, I give you 2010, in review:


BEST OF 2010.

*Inception.
Best movie of 2010.
Best fight scene of 2010.
Best groan-inducing ending of 2010.
So all those movies I failed to see this year because I didn't have enough money? Blame it on this movie. I went to see it about five times because I couldn't quite get enough of it. And that's the thing about this movie. It's creative, the characters are fun, but most of all--it's entertaining. I know there's going to be a lot of people who sneer in the face of Inception as it climbs the ranks of people's "best of" lists since it's "hyped" and lack some sort of intellectual depth (which I disagree with. But). Nonetheless, the point is, it's just a good movie. What makes a movie a good movie? Not because it struck some sort of deep thought chord in me and put me in an existential coma for the next couple weeks. But because I wanted to see it again, and again, and again. I attribute that most to Tom Hardy's straight up delightful character, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's fight scene, and the stunning visuals. Rock on, Nolan.

*The A-Team.
Best tank of 2010. 
Best action of 2010.
This is without a doubt the most fun you will have at the movies this year. It's absurb, it's over the top, and yet...so fucking brilliant. The writing is quick and witty, the characters are purely themselves and perfectly cast, and the action scenes are fantastic. They're imaginative, they're daring, and they're completely and utterly thrilling. The bad guys were great--Pike was the perfect blend of unstoppable badassitry and cocky fuck-you-allness that good action movies have been really lacking lately. On the flipside, the good guys were the good guys and you always loved them and the movie portrayed such a great feeling of camaraderie among them. And they flew a motherfucking tank! Not only that, but they steered it. Using the kick from their shots fired. Next question.

*Shutter Island.
Best suspense of 2010.
Best mindfuck of 2010.
If you ignore the fact that Leonardo Dicaprio is playing the exact same fucking role as he did in Inception (remember: Shutter Island came out first. Suck it, Nolan. Even if I just told you to rock on), this is the best movie of 2010. And I mean that in a completely different way than Inception. Inception is good because I want to watch it 20000 times. Shutter Island is good because it's just a fucking well done movie. The atmosphere is eerie as hell, Scorsese is not afraid to keep us waiting in anticipation, and the entirely movie leaves the audience scrambling for as many clues as it does the main character. All in all, a positively brilliant movie.

The Ghost Writer.
Best Ewan McGregor of 2010.
Which, let's face it, is the only reason I popped this one in. Turns out, it's a Polanski, and I got surprised by actually watching a really good movie. The plot (and by this I mean the barebones of ghost-writer-living-with-his-subject-temporarily) was a good one and appropriately creepy. The movie did a good job of keeping you on the edge, wondering what was what, especially when the intricacies of the plot itself were really hard to untangle. Nonetheless, it was a good watch, the tone was good, the characters were intriguing, and it was ultimately satisfying even if I couldn't figure out why.

Mark's pure dispassionate brilliance.

The Other Guys. 

Best comedy of 2010.
Normally, I hate Will Ferrell. Really, I do. Just put him in a movie and I probably won't watch it. But I made an exception for this movie and I'm so fucking glad I did. For one--he actually played in a role I liked him in. Mark Wahlberg has quickly become a favorite of mine after he spent all of The Departed (2006) cursing out Leonardo DiCaprio, which I appreciated immensely at the time since he was another one of those actors who got under my skin for no reason (as you can see by this years list, him and I have reached a truce). And finally...Samuel L. Jackson. Being himself. The ultimate badass of all badasses. His role in this movie is...is...well. Let's just say the way his character leaves the screen had me laughing for just about the rest of the movie. It was cleverly written, the plot was unique, I just plain loved it.

Machete.
Best gore of 2010.
Best use of body parts as a bungee cord of 2010.
Best villain growl of 2010.
Ah, yes. A movie with pure, unadulterated entertainment value. I could get used to this. We have a rebellion of illegal Mexican immigrants, lead by the assassin Machete. Once again, Robert Rodriguez gives everyone what they want--we've got so many body parts people are slipping over them, we've got big breasts accompanied with a pornographic beat, we've got a one-eyed Michelle Rodriguez, a snarling Jeff Fahey, and a political cowboy out of Robert De Niro. If you like fun, you will enjoy this movie. It's that simple. 

Yes, please.

Iron Man 2. 

Best use of tightfitting costumes in 2010.
Scarlett Johansson was insanely sexy. Robert Downey Jr. played a great dick. Don Cheadle matched RDJ's performance and made an excellent balance for him. And Mickey Rourke was great as always. It was a great follow up to the first Iron Man (2008) without leaving that awful bad sequel taste in your mouth. Plus, the movie was extremely self-contained, little hints here and there all paid off at the end and gave the ending an extremely satisfying feel. Overall, I'd say this franchise is doing damn well for itself.

WORST OF 2010.

Tron:  Legacy.
Wtf of 2010.
Alright. I'll be fair. The visuals were cool, Jeff was fun to watch, yeah, yeah. It just...wasn't that great. Pure and simple. The action scenes were cool, but I wasn't crazy about any of the characters, and it was all ultimately kind of meaningless. The plot was trying to be Bladerunner with a dash of the Matrix but ultimately failed. I haven't seen the first Tron, but I'm considering it just to see if it's any better. 

From Paris With Love.
Worst plot of 2010.

I was excited for John Travolta being badass because...well. He's awesome. And I missed him in being in genuinely cool roles. The problem with age is a lot of these cool actors are getting thrown into things like Wild Hogs (2007). Please no. Anyway, I wasn't crazy about this one either. The plot was convoluted, I wasn't following it, and I just wasn't really into the main character. It helps that I'm not a big Rhys fan.

Gemma Arterton wins most ethereal voiceovers of 2010. 

Clash of the Titans.
Worst gay romantic comedy of 2010. 

Sam Worthington was his normal sexy self, Liam Neeson was a perfect casting for Zeus, and Ralph Fiennes had so much chemistry with Neeson I'm pretty sure Zeus and Hades are gay for each other. However. The overall concept of the movie was a little absurd--fight the gods? What are you going to do, spit back into the sky when it starts raining? Not to mention, it just...that's not...that's not how the ancient people felt about the gods! They worshipped them instead of tried to kill them. Because they knew better.

The Expendables.
Biggest disappointment of 2010.
I would say more, but I've already complained for 1,300 words. 

BLEH OF 2010.

Knight & Day.
Best plane crash.

I actually quite liked this one. I can't help it, I think Tom Cruise is a legitimately good actor when he's not being a crazy Scientologist. He plays a great dick. I point anyone in the direction of Tropic Thunder (2008) who thinks otherwise. In any case, I was glad to see him in a comedic Mission Impossible-esque movie. And I think he played it off well. The best part of this movie, though, was the action. They had some brilliant action sequences, best of all the tight fighting in the plane aisle. Overall, the script was a little predictable, and some of the comic moments were pushed too far, but nonetheless, it was a fun movie.

Jonah Hex.
Best excuse for Megax Fox to slut it up in 2010.
So this is another movie that was, without a doubt, fun to watch. The only problem with it was that it never really...had much to ground it. The script's all over the place, it moves a little too quick, there's nothing really rooting the film down so we don't get the best over all sense of it. Nonetheless, worth a rental.

Best 90 minutes ever.

The Wolfman.

Most halfhearted movie of 2010.
What this movie did best was confuse me. But I thought Benicio Del Toro was a great actor? And Anthony Hopkins? So why are they sucking in this movie? Especially when I thought Benicio Del Toro was a perfect fit for the Wolfman. Ah well. The funny thing is, this movie was saved by Agent Smith. I mean, Hugo Weaving. He was perfect. Just brilliant. I would've watched the movie ten times if it was just his character casually stuffing his pipe and smoking it for an hour and a half.

Karate Kid. 

Best kid abuse of 2010.
For what it was? A kid's action movie about karate? I actually loved it. I think the script was brilliant, the acting was fantastic (even though someone's been watching way too many of his dad's movies. On a loop), and it was just lots of fun. My only real complaint is the Karate Kid gets beat up for like the first 40 minutes of the movie and Jackie Chan doesn't get half as much action as he deserves. By which I mean karate fights, of course. Why not a teacher's standoff? I didn't get it. 

MOVIES I JUST DIDN'T GIVE A CHANCE.

So I don't know how many of you live in New York. But if you do, you're aware it costs an arm and a leg to go to the theaters. And, frankly, I like to have both arms and legs. Balance is a pretty big thing for me. So, there were a lot of movies this year that I just couldn't shell out the dough for. Any of these worth/not worth seeing?

Movies I legitimately meant to see: Repo Men, Kick-Ass, The Losers, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Red (fuck, how did I miss that one?), True Grit (I WILL see this one, just not before midnight).

Movies I kind of hoped to see: Legion, Cop Out, The Crazies, Predators, The Last Exorcism, The Town, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, Due Date.

Movies I went out of my way not to see: The Girl Who Played With Fire (need to read the book first. I'm one of those), Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (so I wasn't actually going to see this, but I feel like it deserved a mention because of the brilliant title), Takers (fucking Anakin), The American (I'm actually tired of George Clooney being awesome), The Tourist (fucking Angelina Jolie. I don't care if she was in Gia).

And to everyone--happy new year! Here's to hoping 2011 drags in some badass flicks. Until next year. 

You've Just Fucked With The Wrong Mexican.

MACHETE (2010)

Image from http://screenrant.com/

The first time I saw the trailer for Machete sliced in between the films Planet Terror and Death Proof as part of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's Grindhouse, I could already feel the rush of pure testosterone energy running through my veins. The wildly exaggerated explosions, the gritty hero, and the final image of him pressed up between two woman--it was a cinematic masterpiece in it's own right. And so when they announced that they had plans to turn the trailer into a feature length movie, like everyone else, I was thrilled. But then came the problem that every movie inevitable faces: would it be possible to unravel a couple minutes of contained machismo into an equally badass feature length film?

The film starts off promising. The grimy feel of a grindhouse flick balanced out the beginning sequence perfectly: the characters took their quests, and themselves, seriously, even though they were locked into a hyper-realistic world. The comedy was subtle--reflected in the too-perfect delivery of their lines and the unstoppable kickassitry that dug its claws into the character of Machete (played by the forever underrated Danny Trejo).

As it progressed, however, the comedy became more obvious, less subtle. Machete at times felt like an anachronism: the dirty 70s hero surrounded by modern equipment and a modern brand of humor. To his credit, Rodriguez occasionally acknowledged the discrepancy, such as a scene in which Machete is chastised for neglecting to use his cellphone and claims: "Machete don't text". Younger characters, such as the two "Mexican" punks from Luz's (Michelle Rodriguez) crew who look a little whishy-washy standing next to the hulk of Machete, also worked to point out this gap and add a color of humor to it.

Movie poster from Flickr

However, it's hard to chastise a movie which constantly pleads for it's audience to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fucking ride. Rodriguez's black humor knocks a couple viewers' jaws open when he finds more than interesting ways to turn kitchen appliances, lawn machines, and human body parts into weapons. The excessive gore goes hand in hand with the excessive sex, which incites a chord of 70s-style porn music every time Machete gets it on and yet somehow only seems to get funnier as the movie progresses.

The best part of the movie, hands down, was the performances of the actors. Michelle Rodriguez sold with her take-no-prisoners attitude, and the intimate close ups of her killer body were definitely one of the more lingering memories of the movie. My only problem with her character was there was not enough of her, especially towards the end in which her badassitry could've been pushed even further and really given a chance to shine. Any excuse for Michelle Rodriguez to continue to strut around half naked with an eye patch and a machine gun. Jeff Fahey, yet another Lost actor aboard the movie, was everything a Rodriguez-style bad guy needed to be--down to the exaggerated deep growl of his voice. He embodied the character of a sadistic, backstabbing, yet often cowardly villain, igniting the scene during his moment in the church with Cheech Marin. Cheech Marin--yet another underrated actor--played Machete's brother and the slightly wayward priest. It was easy to fall in love with his character as his comedic timing sold every line. Robert De Niro played an excellent senator who deep down really just wanted to be a cowboy (gee, I wonder who he was playing off of!). Someone to look out for: Shea Whigham ran an excellent bad guy as Jeff Fahey's right hand man, with a badassitry that almost was on par with Pike from the A Team. Like Michelle Rodriguez, my only problem with his character was that he didn't seem to stick around long enough.

Steven Seagal was, in the end, Steven Seagal, which is not a bad thing to be. Lindsay Lohan, however, was also simply Lindsay Lohan, and while her chemistry worked well with Jeff Fahey, it was still slightly jarring to see the teen pop actress trying to hold her own (credit where credit's due--Lindsay Lohan could have been much worse, she certainly was no Hannah Montana). Last and probably least, Jesssica Alba played a lukewarm performance--while her character was fun as a materialistic, thickskulled, hardheaded woman in the beginning, her transformation during the movie felt somewhat implausible.

Lastly, while I've said the movie should not, under any circumstances, be taken seriously, I think that it had a great message about the "problem" of immigration that America faces today. Point being: don't fuck with the Mexicans. They are humans too, they deserve to be in this country just as much (if not more than) anyone else, and they have Machete on their side. End of lesson.

Things to remember while going to see this movie: it doesn't want you to take it seriously. It doesn't need your political correctness. All it wants is for you to have a dirty, gory, grimy fun time. Enjoy.