Top Ten Badass Bots

TOP TEN BADASS BOTS

Call them what you will. Robots, androids, cyborgs, cylons. Technically, this list should be called Top Ten Sentient Man-Made Beings, but that doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Whatever you call them (nerds, debate), you can't argue with the simple fact that they're badass. They can be lean, mean machines of destruction, or as friendly as your childhood teddy bear. Personally, I don't trust the fuckers. While we hang tight and twiddle our thumbs until the robot apocalypse crushes the human race with fists of steel (and it will happen), here are a couple cinematic robots to pass the time:

10. Marvin.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (2005).

So I'm really talking about the suicidal, sarcastic little bastard from Douglas Adam's books here. But the Alan Rickman voice is a little too perfect to pass up.

9. Number Six.

Battlestar Galactica (2004-2009).

Hottest. Robots. Ever.

8. Agent Smith.

The Matrix Trilogy (1999-2003)

So technically he's not a robot. Technically he's a "computer program". But shit, he's Hugo Weaving and he's badass.

7. Pris.

Blade Runner (1962).

I know I'm being a dick for putting two robot characters from the same movie in here, but c'mon. I needed some more Daryl Hannah in my life.

6. RoboCop.

RoboCop (1987).

The 14-year old boy in me is having a fangasm right now. But it's a really fucking good movie!

5. C-3PO/R2-D2.

The Star Wars Trilogy (1977-1983)*.

The world's greatest bot-mance.

4. Maria The Robot. 

Metropolis (1927).

She's a classic. Literally. Like my dinosaur PC. But who doesn't love, as my girlfriend so eloquently puts it, her "sexy dance"?

3. HAL 9000.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968).

Because everyone knows the line "What do you think you're doing, Dave?"

2. The Terminator.

The Terminator Franchise (1984-2009).

The Governator is a metal-boned BAMF who will take down anything in his way. End of story. 

1. Roy Batty. 

Blade Runner (1982).

What is it about Roy Batty? Probably the fact that he's not, in fact, much of a robot at all. He's depressingly human, and it's his soul that sells the movie, not his machinery. 

And that's your nerdiness for the day. Since really excellent robot movies seem far and few between, any recommendations are more than welcome. Except Transformers. I'm sorry, that is one acid trip the 14-year old boy in me refuses to take. 

*The prequels don't exist. Don't even try to convince me otherwise. 

Don't Throw Away Your Television.

Image from http://moviecarpet.com

Angry at the the Skins child porno debate? Wounded by Ricky Gervais (you humorless bastards)? Heartbroken because The Walking Dead hasn't come up with a precise return date? Never fear, I come bringing tidings of hope, also known as: three reasons not to throw away your television.

Image from http://images.buddytv.com/

1. Lie To Me is awesome. Yeah. I know. About %1 of the human population watches this show. But really, it's a good one to get on. Sure, it's methodic, but no one complained when every episode of House M.D. had the same ending. It has an interesting premise--human lie detectors. Plus, it has the quirky and ever lovely Tim Roth and the beautiful Brendan Hines. What more do you need? Okay. So the show doesn't sell itself well. So it had a bit of a sloppy first season. But I think it's really started to kick itself into gear--especially with one of the latest episodes, Funhouse (3x09), in which Lightman gets himself admitted to a mental hospital and spends some time going absolutely crazy. I know what you're thinking--another House M.D. ripoff, Lie To Me? Really? But no, really, they actually pull it off well, and it's a great bit of character development. One of the best episodes of the season, if not their best. I recommend checking it out on hulu.

2. Archer is coming up. YES. I've been waiting for this for way too long. If you're wondering what Archer is, it's another hulu venture for you. It's more or less an animated spoof of secret agent movies, focusing primarily on the 007 franchise, and basically rips it to pieces. From the sick geniuses that brought us Frisky Dingo, Archer is not for the faint hearted, often laced with twisted sexual humor, butler abuse, and mommy issues. But if you're a James Bond fanatic*, you'll no doubt find this amusing to no end. It's coming back January 27th, and I'm psyched.

Image from http://blog.oregonlive.com/

3. Battlestar Gallatica is on netflix. Okay. So this has nothing to do with TV, actually. Well, a little bit to do with TV, I mean, it is...you know. A TV show. Just happens to be a TV show that I watch on the computer! Alright, so it's old news for everyone else, but I just started getting into it, and let me tell you. It's fucking awesome. Amazing, well written script? Check. Exciting plot with robots? Check. Great action scenes? Check. Complex characters? Check. Badass chicks? Motherfucking check. There is really nothing that makes me happier at the moment.

*NOTE: Speaking of TV. Yeah. I'm not going to be talking about Human Target. I know, I'm talking about badass shows, how can I not watch Human Target, right? Well. Human Target makes me angry. It's a wannabe James Bond show. And it's one thing to spoof James Bond, another thing to try to be as cool as 007 himself. Don't try. You will fail. Miserably. Am I not giving this show enough credit? Probably. But this is my irrational rage showing.