BAMF Of The Week: Jesus Christ

JESUS CHRIST

"God...you are me are DONE professionally."

Now I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination. But what with surviving the apocalypse and all, I figured it was about time I made J. C. the BAMF of the week. Storywise, it's a good one--he feeds the poor, he makes sure no one goes to work sober, and he accepts his gay tendencies with his man Judas (it's not that Christians hate the gays...it's just that when they see them kissing, they're afraid it's a signal, and they're doing their best to save the gays from crucifixion. True story). And then we've got the whole bit with the torture on the cross, rolling back a bigass rock with his body building muscles, and coming back from the dead to be the motherfucking savior of mankind. I think it's fair to say he'd give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money in the ultimate badass title. 

Except for the fact that, cinematically, Jesus has an impressive resume of resembling Shiva the Destroyer rather than any savior. When he's not doing shitty Hallmark movies, he's destroying trilogies. There's seems to be a popular theory going around that claims that so long as you put religious symbolism in your shitty action movie, your film is redeemed from all it's sins. More often than not, this is not true. You can find an expansive and entertaining list of religious faux pas here.

However. There is the occasional movie that will use religious symbolism to blow everyone else out of the holy motherfucking water. Sometimes, they just snag a line or two from the Bible to look like badasses when they're killing someone. Other times, a movie will straight up go all out with the Jesus symbolism, but will do it in such a kickass way that you can't help but bow at their altar. These false idols are to be worshipped with a constant supply of dead chickens and burned copies of Twilight on their shrine. 

Best Films: Blade Runner (1982), Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989), Pulp Fiction (1994), Boondock Saints (1999). 

Worst Films: I don't know, I don't watch the Hallmark channel. Though I will throw up Mel Gibson's snuff film.

Noteworthy Actors: Christian Bale (AKA: "God, we're fucking done professionally"), Ralph Fiennes (AKA: the only man to play both a Nazi and Jesus), William Dafoe (AKA: the only time Jesus looked like a pedophile), Kenneth Colley (AKA: the only time Jesus made me laugh), Garret Dillahunt (AKA: the redneck Jesus).

Trivia: There's a Bible audiobook in which Samuel L. Jackson is the voice of God. Now that's a sermon I might actually stay awake for. 

Top Ten Badass Bots

TOP TEN BADASS BOTS

Call them what you will. Robots, androids, cyborgs, cylons. Technically, this list should be called Top Ten Sentient Man-Made Beings, but that doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Whatever you call them (nerds, debate), you can't argue with the simple fact that they're badass. They can be lean, mean machines of destruction, or as friendly as your childhood teddy bear. Personally, I don't trust the fuckers. While we hang tight and twiddle our thumbs until the robot apocalypse crushes the human race with fists of steel (and it will happen), here are a couple cinematic robots to pass the time:

10. Marvin.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (2005).

So I'm really talking about the suicidal, sarcastic little bastard from Douglas Adam's books here. But the Alan Rickman voice is a little too perfect to pass up.

9. Number Six.

Battlestar Galactica (2004-2009).

Hottest. Robots. Ever.

8. Agent Smith.

The Matrix Trilogy (1999-2003)

So technically he's not a robot. Technically he's a "computer program". But shit, he's Hugo Weaving and he's badass.

7. Pris.

Blade Runner (1962).

I know I'm being a dick for putting two robot characters from the same movie in here, but c'mon. I needed some more Daryl Hannah in my life.

6. RoboCop.

RoboCop (1987).

The 14-year old boy in me is having a fangasm right now. But it's a really fucking good movie!

5. C-3PO/R2-D2.

The Star Wars Trilogy (1977-1983)*.

The world's greatest bot-mance.

4. Maria The Robot. 

Metropolis (1927).

She's a classic. Literally. Like my dinosaur PC. But who doesn't love, as my girlfriend so eloquently puts it, her "sexy dance"?

3. HAL 9000.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968).

Because everyone knows the line "What do you think you're doing, Dave?"

2. The Terminator.

The Terminator Franchise (1984-2009).

The Governator is a metal-boned BAMF who will take down anything in his way. End of story. 

1. Roy Batty. 

Blade Runner (1982).

What is it about Roy Batty? Probably the fact that he's not, in fact, much of a robot at all. He's depressingly human, and it's his soul that sells the movie, not his machinery. 

And that's your nerdiness for the day. Since really excellent robot movies seem far and few between, any recommendations are more than welcome. Except Transformers. I'm sorry, that is one acid trip the 14-year old boy in me refuses to take. 

*The prequels don't exist. Don't even try to convince me otherwise. 

Top Ten Mindfucking Action Scenes.

TOP TEN MINDFUCKING ACTION SCENES

Neo vs. handstands.

Ah yes, action. The guns, the blood, the explosions. It's good for the testosterone, good for adrenaline, and just plain good for the soul. But, every once in a couple years, there will be that one director that pushes it that extra inch. Who takes the action to a whole new level of awesomeness. And so, in no particular order, here's my list of action scenes that fucked with my head.