JESUS CHRIST
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| "God...you are me are DONE professionally." |
Now I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination. But what with surviving the apocalypse and all, I figured it was about time I made J. C. the BAMF of the week. Storywise, it's a good one--he feeds the poor, he makes sure no one goes to work sober, and he accepts his gay tendencies with his man Judas (it's not that Christians hate the gays...it's just that when they see them kissing, they're afraid it's a signal, and they're doing their best to save the gays from crucifixion. True story). And then we've got the whole bit with the torture on the cross, rolling back a bigass rock with his body building muscles, and coming back from the dead to be the motherfucking savior of mankind. I think it's fair to say he'd give Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money in the ultimate badass title.
Except for the fact that, cinematically, Jesus has an impressive resume of resembling Shiva the Destroyer rather than any savior. When he's not doing shitty Hallmark movies, he's destroying trilogies. There's seems to be a popular theory going around that claims that so long as you put religious symbolism in your shitty action movie, your film is redeemed from all it's sins. More often than not, this is not true. You can find an expansive and entertaining list of religious faux pas here.
However. There is the occasional movie that will use religious symbolism to blow everyone else out of the holy motherfucking water. Sometimes, they just snag a line or two from the Bible to look like badasses when they're killing someone. Other times, a movie will straight up go all out with the Jesus symbolism, but will do it in such a kickass way that you can't help but bow at their altar. These false idols are to be worshipped with a constant supply of dead chickens and burned copies of Twilight on their shrine.
Best Films: Blade Runner (1982), Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989), Pulp Fiction (1994), Boondock Saints (1999).
Worst Films: I don't know, I don't watch the Hallmark channel. Though I will throw up Mel Gibson's snuff film.
Noteworthy Actors: Christian Bale (AKA: "God, we're fucking done professionally"), Ralph Fiennes (AKA: the only man to play both a Nazi and Jesus), William Dafoe (AKA: the only time Jesus looked like a pedophile), Kenneth Colley (AKA: the only time Jesus made me laugh), Garret Dillahunt (AKA: the redneck Jesus).
Trivia: There's a Bible audiobook in which Samuel L. Jackson is the voice of God. Now that's a sermon I might actually stay awake for.
